What would you do?

[debsea]

I'm afraid my postings lately are a bit rambling but its how I feel.

 

My b/f is always the same to me and doesn't act distant when I see him but I seem to see him much less now, ie everyother weekend when I don't have the kids. He does have a busy week but he used to manage to see me during the week occasionally and at the weekends when I had the kids.

 

Anyway one of the problems is that he keeps his work and home life completely separate, my problem is his only friends are work friends. thereforeeee he never invites me to go with him if they have a night out. Generally he doesn't go but occasionally he does. Now I'm definitely not someone that wants to go with him everytime he has a night out but its so rare that he does that I'd like to go with him and enjoy meeting his friends. I feel like I'm being stupid but its really got to me now, I'm not part of his friends or his family and he's so content on his own that he doesn't want to be part of my family or friends.

 

When I talk to him about it he doesn't see what the problem is and says that surely its how we are together that counts not anyone else. He's very good at making what I say sound stupid. I care about him a lot but I think I have to end it for my own sanity. I'm beginning to feel very lonely and unsure of myself. Its so hard because he always behaves normally when I'm with him and doesn't give any signs that there's a problem. Maybe he just doesn't need what I want and need.

 

Has anyone else felt like this, I'm not usually an over emotion person and don't normally blow things out of proportion. Do you think I'm over reacting.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Daligal83]

I think what it comes down to is if this is a deal breaker for you. If you truly feel that you are not a part of his life outside of him being your boyfriend and vice versa and he doesn't feel that it's necessary for that to happen, then you might have to end it. Before you do though, I would take one more stab at telling him how you feel. He might not realize how important it is to you. You could say something like, when I am in a relationship I want to feel as if we are really in each other's life, involve with our families and friends, not just each other. Tell him that you're not asking to go out with him and his friends everytime he goes out, but once in awhile it'd be nice to be included. If he still doesn't do anything about it, then it may be time to move on.

[Momene]

If you've been going out a few months, then your lives should be more integrated. Could he have the odd day out with you and your kids?

[debsea]

We've been going out for TWO YEARS!! Don't think I'm expecting too much.

 

Whenever I try to ask him where he sees things going he just says "who knows what will happen!" He has been hurt before by bringing someone elses child up for 6 years then she left and told him she thought it would confuse the child if he stayed in her life now that there was a new father figure. So I understand him being careful but he's effectively pushing me away because my kids are obviously a hugely important to me. He doesn't act disinterested because I speak to him every day but I do need someone to actually be there. Any family days out I've suggested he's not interested in because none of it is stuff he wants to do.

 

Very hard to admit that its not going anywhere, keep trying to focus on the here and now, but I don't want to waste a load of years only to find myself on my own when I'm older. I'm ok on my own, but it would be nice to think you'd grow old with someone who wants to be part of your family. I know its a lot to ask but he doesn't have to be their father, just a friend.

[Momene]

Sorry but if he doesn't make some sort of commitment after 2 years, you're wasting your time with him, unless you can be happy for things to continue as they are.

[debsea]

Well it was my weekend off from the kids so I get to see my bf, and I was all set to tell him how unhappy I was, that other than every other weekend I only talk to him on the phone.

 

But the weekend was so much of a relief to the stress that I feel the rest of the time, I couldn't bring myself to ruin it by bringing up what was wrong. I did get as far as telling him that we needed to talk but we both thought sunday would be better so the weekend wasn't ruined.

 

And then I put it off til too late on Sunday and didn't want to leave on a really bad vibe. So now here we are on Monday and I know that I am going to get upset over the next two weeks that I have a boyfriend but there will be no one there for me to cuddle and be with.

 

I'm angry at myself but find it really hard to ruin the only time that I feel really relaxed. I know I'm only making things worse for myself by not ending the relationship but its so hard to finish something when its the one thing at that moment that makes you feel good. I know I have to because I don't believe that he wants me and the kids, he's just happy with me.

 

How do I find the strength to do it, I'm worried that I'll only do it when I'm even more low than I get now, and last week was pretty horrible.

 

I'm sorry if I'm waffling on but it feels like I'm talking to someone when I post on here and it helps me to let things out.](*,)