"When the levee breaks, I'll have no place to stay"

[CynicalGuitarist]

Yeah, that's right I'm listening to this Led Zeppelin classic at the moment. It's relating as to how I feel right now, as I've been feeling lately.

 

I feel like I don't even know what to do/say/type anymore. It seems like the inevitability of death is always creeping into my mind. I've tried the whole "think positive" gig, but I still have this dark shadow following me everywhere I go; forcing me to over-think and over-analyze to the point where I can't focus on "average" worldly things every other 19 year old is doing. Why me? Why do I have to be the goddamn freak... one of God's illegitimate sons... the insomniac king of lethargy... the hack... the loser... the useless piece of crap... I guess I'm taking a lot of punishment for all the f'd up things other human beings have done (along with many others), but it's not like things'll get better (history repeating itself is pretty much inevitable).

 

While I think about how great it would be for me to die one day and leave my worldly glove until this creator of insanity (whoever and whatever it is) decides to put me in my next form (whatever it is), I can't help but think about how much of my life I've already wasted away. Time seems to drag for me, yet goes by too quickly to prove my value to this world. I hear about all these plans the draconian gestapo elite have to implant the human race with Microchips, make technological items spy on us, start using nuclear wars, make a world govnerment, etc. etc. (these things are in major media especially in the media as of late).

 

I hate myself for learning whatever I have about those kinds of things because it scares me. Especially because I haven't even been able to live one third of my life without threat of the Ozone layer disappearing and being forced to live in a polluted world full of surveilance and totalitarianism... all because people are too busy to look at the "big picture"... I feel even worse (not more "thankful") when thinking about all the children who won't even have a chance at life when the world is pulled under. Me being "thankful" anymore is pretty much outta the question because I seem to be too deeply connected to this "collective unconscious" so many new-agers talk about...

 

I know I know... I just have to "live it up" because a nuclear war could happen tomorrow... but for me, that's about as hard as not thinking about an "elephant". Did anybody else get that?

 

"Pull me under, pull me under, pull me under; I'm not afraid" -Dream Theater

[Daddy Bear]

tell me something, CG... if you knew that nothing horrible was going to happen in the future, what would you do differently from the way you're doing things now?

 

(now you got that song stuck in my head. is that the best harmonica ever, or what?)

[CynicalGuitarist]

lots... but this is not so much wanting nothing bad to ever happen, but wanting to go back in time and change things about me and my environment (though I know with 21st and even 22nd century technology this is impossible)

[Daddy Bear]

change things like what?