"I", no wait, "She" has a problem!

[lifeiscash]

Okay, well, I am in my longest relationship ever, scary right? It's been going strong for a year and a half and I love her very much. She is a very sweet, kind, and trustful woman who makes me happy, well, most of the time. Lately there has been a problem and its starting to effect the entire relationship.

 

This past semester in school (college), her best friend and roomate moved out and turned completley against her and taking all of what little friends she had with her for some selfish/jealous reason of having a boyfriend. She claims she is over the issue. Now that she has absolutley no friends and no one to hang with besides me outside of school and work, I feel obligated to always have to bring her out with EVERYTHING I am doing. Now dont get me wrong, I love her company, but a guy who's previous long term relationship of three months before this one; I am profoundly an independent person. Not only that but she stays the night nearly every single night and I'm getting scared at the fact that we are pretty much turning into a so-called "married couple", rather then a boyfriend.

 

Well I told her of the issue and how I would like for her to meet some girlfriends or guys, I dont care.. I trust her, and that it would be beneficial to have other people to hang out with then just me. Well, like most girls I have ever known, she interpretates it in her own way and decides to think whatever she wants to think, which is: "So, you are tired of spending time with me, you don't like being with me, blah blah blah". In all serious, no matter what I say, it's like she wants to be upset. I told her that the problem is that she needs to have some social support and friends outside our relationship to keep it healthy. She claims how she doesn't get along with girls and that every guy gets the wrong impression, which is true b/c she is hot and that she is graduating next semester, as am I. Basically, I see them as excuses to not make friends or allow yourself the ability to meet new people; surely not all girls can be that hard to get along with. Look at her, I'm sure if she is like that there are more that way too.

 

Well, we just got in a big argument in which I am in circles in telling her the actual problem and she is in circles of wanting to "TALK" it out so she won't be so upset. Fact is, I have nothing else to say.. this isn't an issue to just "TALK IT OUT"... and she keeps talking and going at it.. and I keep getting more frustrated b/c im already tired of talking about it and it's only continious and all she ever does is complain about things. So obviously I could use a little direction on this issue. I do care for her, love spending time with her, but I believe that my independent stature (which she is obviously not), and her non ability to want to have other outlets in life, and her constant complaining when I want to go out with the guys is seriously effected my judgment.. Please Help

[pregnantkitty_1985]

You should set up outings with your friends and their girlfriends anyway. If she feels the need to be with you 24/7 then what would stop her from coming? That way she can meet your friend's girlfriends and possibly make a friendship connection with them. If she's a sweet & kind girl like you say, then there's no reason why she can't make friends with them. Then when you guys want to go do something, she can go places with her new female friends.

[lifeiscash]

You should set up outings with your friends and their girlfriends anyway. If she feels the need to be with you 24/7 then what would stop her from coming? That way she can meet your friend's girlfriends and possibly make a friendship connection with them. If she's a sweet & kind girl like you say, then there's no reason why she can't make friends with them. Then when you guys want to go do something, she can go places with her new female friends.

 

The problem is that she is so stereotypical when it comes to girls. For instance, I brought her to one of my friends parties, in which he has a nice, cool, good-looking girlfriend and thought the exact same thing as you mentioned. Well, after that night I acknowledged that she should go out with her and have fun. She then says, "No, I don't think so, she is in a soriority, and we all know how soriority girls act". It drives me crazy because with every girl that she meets she tries to judge them without knowing them, and she says that girls only care for themselves.. and they are not like her. Those stereotypes is what limits her to be lonely and that seriously effects my independent stability in all areas of a relationship. She also states how she hates being in this college town, doesn't like the people, and that she can't wait until she moves. This brings me down because of her negativity and her not wanting to do anything about it is a double whammy! The problem isn't the town or the people, but it's her.. yet she won't do anything about it.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I'm guessing that she's afraid to be friends with another girl after the events that occurred with her roommate and so on. And as a result, she tends to stereotype girls as being all the same. I have been guilty of it myself at times. She's afraid to get to know these girls and writes them all off as being "typical" because she's afraid to get close to another girl and feel the pain of being stabbed in the back again by another friend. Which realistically, doesn't have to happen, but I think that's what she fears. I think she also fears that again, all her friends will be taken away, just like that, and will desert her and backstab her like "the rest."

 

Maybe you two could sit down for a long one-on-one talk? You've been going out a long time you said. No issue should be taboo. You could find out her reasons for wanting to dismiss any potential friend, and may gain a lot of insight into the situation. And perhaps by gaining more insight (and I tried to provide you with some, hopefully it helps) into her mind, you will be better equipped to help her solve the problem. Yes I agree, it's not the other people, it's her. But understand that she's been hurt by friends before and she needs some help rebuilding her confidence & trust when it comes to making friends.

[Anna.]

I hate it when girls don't like other girls. I think that says a whole lot more about that girl than the rest of us.

Was she to blame for the fallout with her previous friends?

And if she thinks all girls are so bad, what makes her so different?

 

Sounds to me like you need to be firm with her and tell her that she needs to change her attitude and to quit stereotyping other girls. It might hurt her feelings, but sometimes people need to get their feelings hurt in order to get a point. If you keep putting up with her acting like this, you're gonna get tired of it and eventually tired of her.

[bitbit]

what you need to understand is that you are her boyfriend. she needs you right now because she is lonely and feeling rejected and betrayed. don't try and pawn her off on other people b/c you feel you need to be independent. this will pass and she will eventually meet new people to spend time with, but in the mean time, just be there for her. a relationship is about being there when your significant other needs you. she needs you now. i think you're being a little selfish.

[bitbit]

what you need to understand is that you are her boyfriend. she needs you right now because she is lonely and feeling rejected and betrayed. don't try and pawn her off on other people b/c you feel you need to be independent. this will pass and she will eventually meet new people to spend time with, but in the mean time, just be there for her. a relationship is about being there when your significant other needs you. she needs you now. i think you're being a little selfish.

[karenin]

Some good advice here.

 

You are her boyfriend. You are perhaps also her best friend, but she needs others. Imagine if you and her broke up - she would have nobody!! Also, the fact that she has no other friends will affect YOUR relationship. Doesn't she want to meet other people or do you think she now has trust issues? Does she have interests? - I've just moved city and made new friends here so far by living with new people and joining a drama group. I wouldn't want the same friends as my boyf as I like my own space but i know his friends and we hang out.

 

i do think your gf needs you right now - but how long ago did this happen? if it carries on i think that you will start to feel quite suffocated in your relationship and will be doing things with your friends, rather than as a couple.

[rikka]

what you need to understand is that you are her boyfriend. she needs you right now because she is lonely and feeling rejected and betrayed. don't try and pawn her off on other people b/c you feel you need to be independent. this will pass and she will eventually meet new people to spend time with, but in the mean time, just be there for her. a relationship is about being there when your significant other needs you. she needs you now. i think you're being a little selfish.

 

I am going to respectfully disagree. When a relationship becomes smothering, it dies. And I think that is the last thing this couple needs/wants.

 

I think it is great that the OP wants some independence. Being together 24/7 isn't a good thing. I also think it is great that you are TRYING to find people for her to meet. The problem is, you can only do so much. If she isn't willing to put in the effort you can't make her do anything.

 

So you are kind of stuck between the rock and a hard place... I think it is time you assert yourself and take time for yourself. Set aside specific times for her, but don't feel obliged to always bring her along with you on your outings. (obligation is a dirty word in a relationship isn't it?) Try telling her one more time what you are doing and why. She is probably not going to like it, but my prediction would be that if this situation carries on the relationship will end.