My fiance admits a 3 year relationship with a man

[Jodiegirl]

First of all, I'd like to point out that I am a bisexual woman. I have gotten a lot of grief for my sexuality, anywhere from "eww sick" to "dont hit on me, Im straight" to "pick side". Its been very hard for me, being bisexual, but I'm not going to STOP bein bisexual because someone thinks I should. I just AM. I love men AND women and prefer a certain type of women.

But, I met my ( now ex for other reasons) fiance a little over two years ago. Within 5 minutes of being at his house, I started vibing something weird. I asked him if he was gay. he said no. I asked him if he was bisexual. He said no. His roomate came in a few minutes later and - he was gay. No ifs, ands or buts about it, he was gay. Being bisexual ( and I lean more towards women) makes it easy for me to see one of my fellows, so to speak.

My then fiance denied anything. After 10 months, he moved in with me. His best friend ( who was the roomate) started dropping hints to me that my fiance was not straight. And then, he rushed out with the news and told me that him and my fiance had a sexual relationship for 3 years. I confronted my fiance and he denied it, big time. But, the damage was already done- his roomate knew intimate details, down to what my fiance said in bed, and the way his penis was bent to one side, etc. I knew in my heart AND head that my fiance was lying to me. This broke up my fiance and his best friend. My fiance wanted NOTHING to do with him at all and consistently called him a liar. His best friend came down here crying and said " I made it all up, he's straight, but Im not".

Well, in SEptember, my fiance cheated on me with a female. I broke off the engagement and kicked him out. He started getting counseling and doing EVERYTHING and I mean everything to get me back. I kept ignoring him. Finally, this past week- I told him if he didnt stop contacting me, he was going to end up with a restraining order.

Well, instead of him not contacting me, he emailed me back with a whole bunch of truths that he never told me. ( I didnt break up with him cause he cheated, I broke up cause he kept lying about it and switching his story). he said he was telling his therapist how much he lied, and how he has lived in this big fantasy world and cant keep lying. (We're talking COMPULSIVE liar here). Well,

so he admitted a whole bunch of stuff he lied about. And finally, I picked up the phone and called him and told him how proud I was that he was finally realizing he had a problem. ( He does, trust me, with lying). During th conversation, I asked him if he had had sex with his bf like his bf said he did. He sighed and said "yes". What he told me was IDENTICAL to what his best friend told me- but that I never mentioned to my fiance.

The story is: when his best friend's father died ( my ex fiance was like 21 when this happened), his best friend was a mess and didn't know HIS sexuality and asked my fiance to let him blow him. he said no. But bf kept begging and my fiance finally caved and said ok. After that, my fiance found himself in tight spots time and time again and at times, would have to live with his gay bf-roomate. He said each and every time, he would practically beg him to let him blow him. he said sometiems he would say yes, sometimes no, but that he would always tell him straight to his face that he is straight. He also admitted to me that he gave anal sex to his bf by laying on the floor keeping his eyes closed with a condom on. Him and his bf BOTH told me that my fiance could NOT nor would he give a blow job- that it gagged him. He wouldnt kiss his gay bf and on one occasion almost puked, and he never let him have anal sex with him. It was just my fiance letting this man give him oral, or my fiance giving HIM anal sex.

I asked myf iance if he liked it. He said no.

I asked him why 3 and a half years if he didn't like it. He said he would be made to feel guilty, or that he would lose his friend if he didn't. His best friend, btw was and still is "in the closet" but not to a select few people.

I asked my fiance if he masterbates to men and he said no.

He maintained, as did his roomate, that he likes women 100 percent.

 

HOWEVER, my fiance also lets me "play" with him- im sure you could figure out what I mean. He told me he didn't want me to think he was gay if he let me do that. I just had to see if he WOULD let me do that. This was before he admitted this stuff to me.

 

My fiance is NOT masculine. He keeps his nails clean, doesnt bite them, and just is overly sensitive and emotional. I have told him before it feels like I am with a woman, not a man- and it feels like him and I have had to compete for the spotlight. I feel he is using me because I am bisexual but more on the butch side. In other words, I am more manly than my fiance- I can also tune your engine if you want.

 

Look, I have 3 kids here. This man not only lied to me, but he cheated on me AND did NOT give me the choice of being with someone KNOWINGLY who had been with men or not. I asked my fiance how he knows for damn sure he is not gay/bi and he said because he has never looked at a man in his life and lusted one. Ok, then WHY be sexually active with one for 3 and a half years? He said it wasn't all the time- and sometimes, there were gaps of time in between like a month, four months, six, etc. I also know for a FACT that ALL activity stopped 10 months before he met me and he has had NO further man to man contact at all... so for almost 3 years. Even his gay bf told me that the last time my fiance moved in, he told him ( my fiance told the roomate)to his face "im not doing any of that stuff, I am not gay, I am straight, so don't ask).

 

My fiance says he NEVER approached his bf for any type of sex at any time. My fiance IS a very very very very very shy person and VERY influential into doing things. But for 3 and a half years? My fiance wants to come home, work things out. I dont know if I can be intimate with him anymore, NOT because of this,but because truly? I don't want left when he decides that he is in fact, gay.

 

Any thoughts on this? Help? Im very numb.

[jsx730]

I don't have much time to respond, but the only person who can know whether or not your ex fiance is gay, is your ex fiance.

 

Although, if everything he said is true regarding his feelings/emotions during the whole thing, it sure sounds to me like he definitely ain't gay, and most likely not even truly bi.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Hmm, it's just weird to me that he'd have sex with a man though, if he's not gay or bi. How did he get aroused then?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Let me clarify; no, I don't think it's weird for a man to have sex with a man. I've no problem with gays, lesbians, or bisexuals, etc, etc. But it just strikes me as quite odd how he managed to allow a man to blow him, and had anal sex with him, ...and obviously judging by that, became aroused by a man, if he is not gay or bi.

[dogheadma]

If he had sex with another guy for 3 1/2 yrs., then that is the definition of being gay or bi. You said he is a compulsive liar so it's easy for him to tell you that he's never been with men. Don't believe it. You know in your heart he has not been honest with you. He is not trustworthy. Do what's best for you and move on. ((((hug))))

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Maybe he's being truthful when he says he's never been with men before, but I honestly believe he is gay or bi. He was so young when the relationship with his b/f started, so maybe it was his first time being with a man, but perhaps he was struggling with his sexual identity still, or was hiding in the closet due to fear of possible repercussions? Could be his family wouldn't accept him at all, and he also may be worried about society. People can be pretty nasty and closedminded at times.

[Royltnxile]

Sounds like a classic case of: "I'm not gay...but my boyfriend is!"

This guy sounds like a real keeper! He cheats, he lies, he's not sure if he is gay, bi, or straight, ..or whatever. I'd stear clear of him. Be happy that you got out when you did.