Attracted more to other women. So is it worth fixing?

[Belinda]

The other day when I was in the waiting room at the station with my fiancee, a girl started to check him out then gave me a death stare. She sat behind him and he put his arm up on the back of the chair (lightly touching her neck). I wasn't sure if it was an accident but I don't know what happened next because I went to the toilet. I came back and he was doing nothing suspicious.

 

Anyway later I told him about this and his responce was something to the extent of "Wow, but I couldn't get a girl like that!"

 

It really hurt, but eventually I got over it, and he apologized.

 

Last night I asked him to make a list of girls he was more attracted to than me (he could list plenty he was attracted to but REALLY struggle gettuing a list of people better than me)

He thought of three girls. Two were celebrities (fair enough). One of from his old school.

 

He told me he'd never get off to her , out of respect.

 

 

So what should I take from this?

He find other girls more attractive (that's fine) but what does that say about our engagement? Is it possible to even find a guy who'll like me number number one?

 

And in addition, he gets off to me, so does that means he respects her but doesnt me?

 

 

 

I've always sorta suspected he liked skinnier girls more than me (I'm fat).

I'm so confused. It really hurt (but I SO appreciate his honesty)

 

Any advice as to how I should interpret this would be GREATLY appreciated.

[Survictor]

It sounds like your guy is very happy with you and you are the one with the insecurities and self doubts.

 

If you b/f gets off thinking about you... you should be honoured. He obviously finds you sexy!

 

When my now ex b/f told me the same thing, I was seriously flattered!

 

 

Stop worrying.

[southerngirl]

He is with you and so far you havent said anything to show that he has been unfaithful. You shouldnt let your insecurities get in the way. Also, you probally shouldnt be asking im to list those that are more attractive because theres not much point in asking for information that is going to hurt your feelings.

 

Sure, I can name lots of attractive men out there in the world. I could even be attracted to them. That is life, that is procreation and survival of the species... That is natural.

 

Its what I do with it that matters. I wont cheat on my spouse and would expect the same faithfulness from him. Thats what matters.

 

Has he given you any reason to think that he would cheat on you?

[LostInMyThoughts]

I think the first thing to realize is that this is more of your insecurities than your fiance's bad behavior.

 

Yes he said something stupid, but most guys will eventually say something dumb.

 

Does your fiance make comments about other women a lot?

 

And why on earth would you ask your fiance to make a list of women that he finds more attractive? It's like you're a putting a loaded gun in his hands, pointing it at your head and telling him to pull the trigger. What purpose did it serve?

 

He gets off to you, that means he's sexually attracted to you. That's a good thing.

 

Honestly, and I'm sorry I'm being a bit harsh with you, it seems like you're looking for problems when there isn't really one.

 

I think if you work through your insecurities (maybe about your looks), you'll be okay.

[Belinda]

So I'm being unrealistic?

I was just worried because my last boyfriend cheated on me and I thought "Well if he likes other girls more than me, won't he want to pursue that?"

 

I know I have insecurities... but I felt like him saying this stuff only re-enforced them...

[Belinda]

Thanks guys I hope that is all it is.

I remember where alot of it stemmed from. At the very beginning of the relationship he said he wanted a woman with small breasts and a slender body (I'm larger with a D cup and he said it anyway >_

 

So ever since then I've felt like I wasn't good enough for him physically...

And I often get the feeling he is ashamed of my appearance.

 

It doesnt help my self image alot to be stuck with a man who prefers a woman who I could never be

[LostInMyThoughts]

Thanks guys I hope that is all it is.

I remember where alot of it stemmed from. At the very beginning of the relationship he said he wanted a woman with small breasts and a slender body (I'm larger with a D cup and he said it anyway >_

 

So ever since then I've felt like I wasn't good enough for him physically...

And I often get the feeling he is ashamed of my appearance.

 

It doesnt help my self image alot to be stuck with a man who prefers a woman who I could never be

 

Well first thing to do when you are insecure is to check it out.

 

Ask him "Back when we first started dating, you said you wanted a woman with small breasts and a slender body. Is that how you still feel?"

 

Secondly, why do you think he's ashamed of your appearance? Has he done anything specifically that makes you feel this way?

 

Third, in a previous message you said your ex-bf cheated on you. That is a pretty devestating event. I know my past has contributed to my insecurities. The thing to remember is, that your fiance isn't your ex-bf, so holding your ex's actions against your fiance isn't fair.

[Belinda]

Yeah that is very true... but I have a potentially idiotic question then, how would I go about getting past insecurities.

My fiancee is breutally honest (this is I love about him) so sometimes he can put his foot in his mouth.

But I've always told him to be honest to me if it hurts. I stand by this, I'm much happier this way.

 

But the flip side to that is that it does hurt me. And I suppose getting him to tell me stuff like that is a way of self-harm. Emotionally anyway.

 

Does that make sense?

 

I wish I knew what to do to stop it though.

[jdtx]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. There are certainly females I consider more attractive than my fiancee, and there are probably 3x more guys she finds more attractive than me. She's not Jessica Alba and I'm not Brad Pitt (two of our favorite hotties, for example). She doesn't have to be a supermodel to make me happy, and that she does. I sometimes seriously wonder just what she would do if she really did get to meet Vin Diesel

 

But ultimately it doesn't matter. She appreciates what she has (I hope), and I know I do. She says she doesn't even "notice" other guys in person, but I think that's BS. Of course she does, and of course many of them are bound to be better looking than me. I won't even pretend that I don't occasionally other females. I mean, damn, I'm not blind. Sometimes you just can't ..not notice. You can't blame someone for having eyes. What matters is what you do about it.

[Belinda]

Thanks, I hope it's all it is then. I just worry because of the amount of times he seems to mention it.

Or accidently refer to me like I'm unattractive or something.

It just makes me think well if it worries you that much, why don't you go find someone else >_

[SexySadie7]

Well Belinda.. he's engaged to you girl, not just dating, so that should tell you something. Sounds like he's crazy about you and if he says he likes slender women with small breasts, then why cannot he like rounder women with fuller breasts, like yourself? I doubt most men only like one body type honestly. Guys are kinda like that. They like a variety of different body types.

And you were never skinny when he started dating you right? so it's not like you have changed.

Trust me.. even though guys say they like the skinny women.. they often really secretly like the women with a bit of curves on them...

I was started dating this guy a few years ago. I was alot heavier. like 30 lbs more than i should of been. I also had D size breasts. Well.. this unbelievably handsome guy approached me and asked me to dance! Then we started talking and began dating. It sure wasn't any surprise to him I was heavy at that time. I wasn't wearing anything really flowing or concealing about my clothes.

Obviously something about me attracted him... I think it's more about you girl and your attitude than what some waif-like chick thinks.

And to my opinion.. i think the fact that girl came up behind your fiance and then tried to flirt with him was incredibly rude of her.. She saw you were with him right?

I am sure if you really wanted to you could lose the weight. It just takes some dedication.. but that's not the point. I think your bf likes you the way you are, otherwise why would he even ask you to marry him?

Think about it.. if he wasn't happy with you.. he wouldn't want to marry you.

I'd be happy I have such a nice boyfriend and stop torturing yourself if I were you.

If you are really keen on losing weight, weight watchers is great place to try help you lose some weight sensibly.

You need to learn to love yourself child. He loves you. You should too. Take care, and g'day.

[Belinda]

Thanks so much

I feel so much better now and reassured, I really appreciate your kind words - they mean alot to me.

I used to be on weight watchers but I had to stop because it got too expensive.. but i have to do something dsoon because the doctor thinks if I keep this up I'll kill myself >_

I'll have to try my best...

[caro33]

Well given what you are saying abour your own views of yourself I would agree with the others: try not to project your own insecurities onto your boyfriend. I know it's hard, I do it too. When you are feeling bad about yourself it's hard to see why your boyfriend is with you, and you assume they would prefer other women.

 

The key things as I see them are:

- He will always find other people attractive. Doesn't help your self esteem I know, but it's the truth, so don't try magical thinking here that he should want only you and then punish yourself, and him, when it's not the reality.

- You will always find other people attractive, ditto the above.

- As others have said, the issue is if you guys act on your attraction to others or not, and what 'acting on the attraction' means depends on your agreed boundaries. For some it's p*rn, for others everything but full-on sex is fine with other people.

- Like someone said, he will say dumb stuff sometimes. He can't be plugged into your needs 100% of the time, and he will say things without thinking sometimes. The issue is then how often this happens and how it makes you feel. If it is happening too often you have an obligation to tell him what you need for him to do, don't bottle this up and resent yourself/him.

- If he says dumb stuff very occasionally, suck it up and try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Freeze him out for a while if you have to, but please do your best and recognise men and women have different styles of communication and that men in general just don't get the female insecurity thing. Try and be kind and understand where he is coming from - it's generally not going to be as complex and as threatening as you might think.

 

I struggle with all the above. I know what's rational and still choose the dark side occasionally. I guess the first responsibility you have is to try and do whatever it takes to get yourself in a secure position, where you are less vulnerable to your own negative self-talk, or your projected fears.

[bitbit]

as long as angelina jolie is around, there will never be a guy that sees his g/f as the number one girl he's attracted to. but at a certain point in a relationship, does it really matter?

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

No offense, but everyone, men and women, will always find someone who is more physically attrative than their significant others.

 

Let me ask you: Do you think your boyfriend is this hottest man you're ever seen?

 

You need to look past these things, because relationships should be MUCH MORE than worrying about who your boyfriend thinks is more attractive than you. Sounds like you need to get some help with your self-esteem issue. No offense.

[Belinda]

How would I get that help though?

I've been like this forever and I can't afford a counseller or something... it's hard.