Update...on apparently I'm single again

[JIzzyM]

Hi everyone. I haven't been posting as much lately due to my lack of exciting news or problems or whatever. I'm guessing that is a good thing and a bad thing.

 

My ex and I have been broken up for about 2 months now. We still live together (kind of), he just sleeps at his mother's house, pays rent, and comes over to hang out and help with our pets. So I see him pretty much everyday.

 

We have stopped talking about our relationship 100%. I don't cry to him about it and we just don't bring it up. It's much easier this way. To anyone who always brings up the past to their ex, seriously just stop! It's so much better bc there is less stress and it gives you time to have fun. Yes, sometimes I have to literally hold the words back from coming out of my mouth, but I just tell myself it isn't helping our situation if I bring it up anymore.

 

We went to New York 2 days ago to see a band play a reunion show. We went up with 2 other people and had a good time. Nothing overly exciting, but it was still fun to walk around, eat, look at everything and see a show with friends. I tried to stay as nuetral as possible and independent, ie. not always following him around, talking with the others, walking far away from him, trying to not stand next to him at the show. I know it sounds like I put forth a lot of effort to not be near him, but it wasn't like that at all. I wanted more than anything to walk hand in hand with him through the streets, but well we all can't get what we want so I just gave myself a little breathing room.

 

Lately, he has been acting differently towards me. Nicer, more thoughtful, caring, happier, and almost like he's trying to be cute? Who knows really, bc it could just be my crazy mind looking into these non-existant things. Maybe it's my light-hearted demenor and happy, positive attitude. He has commented on my positive attitude lately and it seems to have smoothed out his bad moods a little. He will come over to our house a little irritated from band practice or whatever and we will talk and have fun and he seems to get better and not be moody anymore. He calls to find out what we are doing that night (not just me, my other roommate and I), if I am hungry and need food, ect. He complains when I decide to go to bed before he is ready to leave, bc then he is stuck watching tv by himself. He came to check on me regularly when I was sick this past week and to see if I needed anything (I mean he came into my bedroom, not like he was out with friends and came to the house just to check on me...he was already there and just ventured into my room..nothing overly exciting!)

 

We are more flirty and fun now. We did have sex one night. Yes, I know it was a mistake, but I also don't regret it. I'm not upset about it or anything, but I also know that we won't be doing that again, bc then he gets his cake and eats it too. We were fun and flirty that night and he just went with it I guess. We said it didn't mean that we were back together and that we couldn't allow feelings to be involved. It was the best sex we ever had and we actually had a lot of fun. Weird huh? We had a good laugh about it afterwards. We cuddled then and he was still very nice and sweet. Oh well, it was sex and I'm not upset about it. Everyone is allowed one slip up right? Well, that was mine, so no more ex sex.

 

We had a good time last night too. Watching Scrubs and hanging out together for a few hours. I was laying on the couch with my feet over his lap and he was sitting with his hands on my legs. We were laughing and talking and picking on each other. I just don't really remember it ever being like this. Maybe when we first started dating, but defintily not since we lived together. In one of our last talks we had about "us", I told him that I didn't want to be with him right now. That he has work to do on himself and I on me, so that maybe one day we could get back together. He just nodded. I also told him that I wouldn't want to live together either and that it was a mistake to do so. Or that if we did live together, that we could just have separate rooms so we each could have our own space. He said these were good ideas. Something he would remember and know for when he might be ready to try it again. Yes, that's pretty vague but I'm just happy we are getting along right now.

 

I feel like we are both acting a lot like we did when we first met each other and started to hang out as friends. Who knows what will come of it, if anything. I'm afraid that he might just be being friendly and means nothing of any of his actions. I know actions speak louder then words, so sometimes I feel his actions show that he still does care deeply for me and regrets breaking it off and might want to give it another go (slowly and in time...i don't want to speed into anything anymore..) and his words haven't been "I want you back" so ??

 

If you have any advice on how I should continue to act and what I should do, please let me know. I want this man back, in time and slowly, bc I love him more than anything. Having fun, hanging out and sometimes just listening to his voice make me realize how much I really do love him. Man, I sound like a love sick puppy. Thanks everyone! Let me know what you think is going on!

[scsavino]

Going through the same thing. Trying to stay friends and hang out.

Its hard.

But I totally agree with you 100% - DONT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP. Especially if you want to remain friends.

We saw each other on thanksgiving and had dinner together and actually had a good time.

We laughed and joked like we used to.

We are both going to be ok. Just not with each other.

[JIzzyM]

Yeah our situations both suck. I have read your posts and I feel for you!! I know how it feels and it is hard being just friends. I am just hoping that by being friends now will lead to possible dating again in the future.

 

The only problem is that we were never really friends. We met and hung out for about a month or two before we started to date, but it was always more of a couple mode and just us two hanging out and I liked him, so who knows.

It's new and different and I guess it can be exciting, almost like getting to know him all over again in a different manner.

 

He acts differently with me then he does his other friends who are girls, and even who are guys. I guess that's bc we sort of only know each other in the couple way. Yes, he was my best friend and knows more about me than anyone else ever, but he was also still always my boyfriend.

 

This is a new venture and I guess to understand it all you must live it. Patience is the most difficult thing with this whole situation and man, I have never been the most patient person ever. I like things and I like them NOW! haha I guess I have to learn to wait and see.

 

I am willing to wait for him for a while, but no one can wait forever and he knows this. I am not going to put myself out there for him, ie. talk about my feelings for him or do anything over the top, but I will be there for him as I would any other friend. Sometimes it's just hard to distinguish the difference between friends and wanting to be more than friends and how to act. I guess I will just have to be myself, I mean that is the person he fell in love with and still claims to love right? HA this sucks!

[mike_chppr]

JIzzM,

 

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but who are you fooling, yourself or him.

 

In life there is a certain amount of intimacy, and a certain amount of friendship. You said it yourself ex-sex was the best sex you've ever had. He can hang around, but in reality all he has to do is watch the calendar, know your "cycle" and you are putty in his pants.

 

Friends, (guy/girl ones anyway don't love all over like that watching TV). Test him, go out with his friends and start hitting on one of them or a total stranger, I bet he gets jealous as you are his bootycall. Yes, he has his cake and he is eating it to. Guys don't need sex all the time, but they will hang around and wait for it. If you give it up he is not likely to go looking for it elsewhere. It is like putting cat food on your front porch, soon you will have a cat expecting to be fed.

 

OK, not talking about how you feel, you are repressing yourself. You really just want to feel happy, I've discovered in life, if you repress one emotion you repress them all so in the end your happy face looks just like your mad face and so on. You sound like a peppy early 20 somthings kind of gal. Don't let yourself get hung up on this guy, you need two or more guys pining for you you need options. and you aren't going to get them sitting watching television with this guy. Especially not having sex with him.

 

There is always the I need to work on me and you need to work on you, but in a relationship there is a sort of us need to work on us. Intimacy is your ability to recognize yourself introspectively and share those feelings with others, and not only that, but to connect with their feelings.

 

My recommendation, stand up for yourself, recognize that "He's just not that into you" and find the next lucky guy. Companionship is nice, but LOVE is way better!

[scsavino]

Jizzy-

I know you wont be able to help yourself, but dont wait on him. He's not waiting on you.

I had to learn that. I had to actually HEAR him say to me that there was no hope of reconcile and that it was over.

It hurt, but I needed to hear it.

Its harder in my situation to steer clear of him because we have a son.

We also share a Cingular contract - and theres 2 years left on that.

I have to remind myself that every time I want to call him, that he isnt calling ME for a reason.

Nothing like feeling like a fool.

It will get better.

Hang in there.

[JIzzyM]

Alright everyone, time for an update! I hope everyone is well and had a good holiday. I don't have a lot to update but I have a few. Most are just normal, but some are slightly humorous, so enjoy!

 

It has been about 2 1/2 to 3 months since my ex dumped me on my a*s. If you check out my first posts you will get the background on my situation. We (my roommates and I) cannot afford to live without him, so he still half lives here and pays rent. When I say half lives here, I mean he comes over to see/help out with the pets we share together, watch tv, and hang out. He doesn't sleep here, he sleeps at his mother's house for the time being.

 

We hang out almost daily, go out on the weekends with our friends, go get food, and have fun. It's going pretty well for me right now, emotionally I mean. I don't feel too sad very often and barely ever bring up the relationship to him. I wrote him a letter the other week (to get all of my emotions and feelings out to him in one fair shot and to make sure I didn't forget anything). He read it and we had a good talk. He still loves me very much (his words, not mine) and finds me very attractive (once again, his words not mine). He just doesn't know if he is ready for the responsibility of a relationship right now. He takes his relationships very seriously. I told him that we can just hang out and see where it goes and take things very slow. He still doesn't know what he wants to do but he promised to think about it and also to communicate with me on the subject. He has shown some good behavior since the talk (towards me I mean).

 

I know that he said he still doesn't know, so most of you will tell me to go NC (even though it's not possible and I won't do it right now, bc it doesn't really work in my situation) and that he is using me and this and that. I know everyone here is hurting and sometimes seems very negative, but I guess if I want you're honest opinions then I am at risk for hearing somethings I don't want to hear. Yes, he needs time to make up his mind and I need to be paitent. He is under a lot of stress with school, finals, graduating soon, getting a real job in his field, his mother's cancer, lack of money, his band, his brother's band (he writes their music and was helping out on drums while their drummer recovered from a car accident and surgery) and this situation. I told him that it doesn't have to be hard and that we can move forward very, very slowly and that it could take months. He knows that this time will be different and that we have to work on the things that caused us to break up, that it will take time for me to trust him again, and that we won't be living together if we try this again. We both decided this on our own and brought it up that night, stating that it was a bad idea especially with 2 other roommates, 4 cats and a dog, and a small house which made it 1000% times more stressful and difficult on both of us and our relationship. Advice to anyone thinking of moving in with their significant other...do it without roommates! It makes it much harder.

 

We decided to see how it goes these next couple of weeks and in a while we will talk about it again and come to a conclusion of weather or not WE both want to slowly see how it goes and where it takes us. I don't want to jump back in and neither does he. So this past weekend gave me some insight on what is going on and a little hope to our situation. We went out to the bar on Friday night and he met us there (neither one of us drank that night bc we both drove). I had a little run in with a drunk do*chebag and had to put him in his place after he wouldn't leave me alone. Verbally, not physically. He bothered me for about 45 minutes after me repeatedly telling him to leave me alone. We finally decided to leave and my ex said he was proud of me for standing up for myself and knew I had it in me. The night was fun (minus the drunk guy) and we hung out for a while after the bar and talked about random things until he went home. Nothing exciting, but it was still fun.

 

Saturday night was my one roommate's 21 b-day, so we went out again. This time I drank a little, but nothing crazy. Just enough to let loose a little and be young and silly. We had a lot of friends there that night, so I had a good chance to show him that we could have fun together but not be connected at the hip. He bought me a drink and wouldn't let me pay for it. He would come find me if I wasn't in the same room as him and see what I was doing. We talked and laughed a lot. Then I see a guy I went to high school with and got to talking to him for about 40 minutes. I asked about his old girlfriend from high school, which ended up bringing up my ex. I pointed him out and he was like, "Oh well he keeps staring at me and giving me the evil look". I said don't mind him, he dumped me he shouldn't care. Well, I didn't even look over or anything. We continued to talk and laugh and everything, showing the ex that there are other options out there for me. That wasn't my intention at all, I really did just want to catch up with this guy and keep in touch with him. My ex stood 5 feet away from us and stared at us for about 10 minutes, at least that's what I could tell from the corner of my eye and what my friend told me. So, we left shortly after this and nothing was ever said about it to my ex and he said nothing as well. He was acting kind of strange then but it seemed to pass as quickly as it came. We all went back to our house and the party continued. Everyone was still drunk/drinking except for me and my ex. We all had a great time and he and I exchanged looks and comments all night. I would catch him looking at me and watching me. It was like we were in that "I like you but I'm afraid to tell you" stage like in high school. BUT then his one really good friend from high school wouldn't leave me alone all night. Long story short, this kid (who has a girlfriend, but kept lying about her even though earlier in the night was talking about her) grabbed my face and kissed me! I pushed him away as quickly as possible. He had been talking about how he wanted to make out with me and have sex (all in a very unnecessary, disgusting way). I told him that he had a girlfriend and that I was his good friend's ex girlfriend and that it wasn't going to happen. Finally my ex takes him home bc he was really drunk (which I believe is why he was acting that way and kissing me and trying to get me into empty rooms all night..no I didn't go or do anything!) My ex gets back and asked me about it ( no one saw it happen but I told my roommate about it and she told my ex to watch out for him bc he was bothering me). I told him what happened figuring that my roommate had already told him about him forcefully kissing me. He was not pleased. He said that he is done with their friendship and that he isn't mad at me bc it's not my fault. He was very angry and everyone agreed (except me bc I don't want to ruin a 8year long friendship! the kid was just really drunk and stupid) with him that he was right in cutting this kid out of his life. He said it was disrespectful. So, we all continued to hang out and have a good time dispute that slight drama and the night ended well. He came into my room to say goodnight to me and we left on good terms.

 

Since then I haven't seen him, but he has contacted me via text messages, IM's, and phone calls. He has been in contact with me more than ever! Calling me twice a day, IM-ing and texting for no reason at all, just to talk and say hi. We are having good conversations and he says he wishes he could see me but can't be of finals and studying. He apologizes for not coming over and for not being able to hang out. He calls when I least expect it and texts for no reason at all, just to say hi or see if I got home okay. He says he wants to come over before I go to work tomorrow so that he can see me and wish me luck on my first day. I told him I might not be here bc I have errands before work. I am not always available to him, barely ever contact him (maybe once a week to remind him about bills and such, nothing else), am at an arm's length, don't cling to him when he is around, and don't act sad when he says he won't be over.

 

I know it is all about paitence and I feel that I am getting somewhere. He is being much more attentive lately and telling me how he feels and everything. He seems to be making an effort, but I won't be screwing this up by acting sad or bring up the relationship. The thing is, I'm not sad. I am having a good time in life right now. I am enjoying my free time and having fun! Yes, I love it when he is around but I have learned that I don't need him there to have fun or to survive. I think that he is seeing that change in me now. I don't NEED him in my life in a romantic way or any way, but I WANT him in my life in a romantic way. I just want us to be able to have our own lives, but choose to share them with each other. Yes, I still miss him (even though I see him everyday) and he even said he missed me. I said,"but you see me everyday" and he said, "yeah, but you know it's not the same. I just miss you".

 

I just thought I would update a little and let you all know what is going on with me and my ex now. No, I don't know where we stand but what is the fun in knowing. Ha I only kid. I wish I knew, but it is also fun and exciting to start fresh and see where things go. Life is hard, but it is also fun and right now I am having fun. There is no need to over-analyze the situation because no one knows what's going to happen or what he thinks (except for him), so until then I am going to continue with the way things are, hold back on the relationship talk, and have a good time. I just want us to have some fun together and remember what it was like in the beginning, because we both know that we can get back there. I think he sees that now, well I hope he does.

 

I might be getting my hopes up (even though I swear I am trying not to) and fall hard again, but you never know until you try. I hope you all are well and if you have any questions, comments, or advice please let me know! Good luck everyone and don't forget that there is always hope for a fresh start or new beginning.

[mike_chppr]

Well, you are right, you never know until you try. I've said what I think and still continue to believe. If you fall hard you know where to come. If you don't then I'm happy for you. Remember to be aware of your feelings for him. You would love for the two of you to work out romantically, but you may be resenting him from witholding. You are forcing yourself to withold and limit contact which is the best way to go about congering up interest in the other person. It isn't patheticly pining for every bit of time and affection. However as long as you realize you are witholding from your true self, if things go south reflect on your decision. If he rises to the occaision and meets you where you can express your desires fully. Then that is a better place to be than I've ever been. So you are right I could be negative here and I did come accross as crass.

 

Have a good new year

 

mike_chppr

[wishiknew]

I'm glad to hear that you're staying positive and able to keep the past in the past. I'm going through a situation very much like yourself, still in the earlier stages though (only been 3 weeks). So it's a little tougher on me right now, sometimes I can't help but bring things up/look for answers. Reading your story helps me to stay postitive and may prove that going NC isn't always the best option.

I wish you the best of luck, keep smiling!

[JIzzyM]

wishiknew...Hey I wish you the best! I am going to check out your other posts right after I am done writing here. I will be sure to comment on your threads and hopefully can offer some advice/encouragment!

 

I have been posting a lot more lately in the getting back together forum. It's a lot more current then this thread. We have decided to test the waters and see what happens.

 

I'm glad I can help you out a little in your situation and hard times. Just keep your head up and try to keep the relationship talk to a minimum! Feel free to to message me anytime or post for some advice! These forums are great!

[harmonious]

JIzzyM, thank you for sharing your story!

 

It's been really inspirational for me to read, since my boyfriend just broke up with me and I'm struggling with how to be friends with him like we were, without constantly discussing our breakup or talking about trying to get back together (which I would love, but I realize I can't think about that right now because it could very well not happen, I just have to wait and see). Like you, my boyfriend and I also were very couple-y right from the start, so even going back to that pre-dating friendship is a step beyond normal friendship, so things are weird...

 

I just wanted to thank you for giving me a boost of courage. I'm glad things seem to be working out so well for you! I know everyone's situation is different and I can't expect mine to have the same happy ending, but it's just good to hear good news now and then and know that some things are still possible.

[JIzzyM]

harmonious...I'm so glad that my posts can help you out a little too! When I first came to these boards a little under 3 months ago, I too was looking for a story about reconciliation. If it was possible, how they did it, what they were feeling, ect. I found it in Hope75's posts.

 

I'm just glad that I can get my feelings out here while also helping out others. I'm going to check out your other posts and try to give uot some helpful feedback and encouragment! Feel free to message me or post here if you ever have any questions or anything!

 

Good luck with your ex and just try to keep it light and fun! I promise it will make it better for both of you and you will enjoy yourself without all of that unecessary pressure and stress. No relationship talk either. Just enjoy your time together for now and work on yourself and make YOU your number one priority!

[harmonious]

Thanks JIzzyM!

 

I just had a short phonecall with my ex which did not leave me crying after I hung up! Big step forward! I'm absorbing all the good advice I read on this forum, like your suggestion to "keep it light and fun!", and hopefully I can do just that.

 

I like your signature, btw!