Truth, Abandonment, Love...

[chelzc]

Less than a week ago my boyfriend (ex now) came to see me and broke up with me. We had been together almost two years... helplessly in love or so I thought... I just moved to a new town almost 5 hours away from him. We agreed to have a long distance relationship for 4 1/2 months until he could move with me. I think he felt unresolved about why I would leave... we lived together for a year before I moved.

 

I moved for school and for a new job. I love him dearly. Everything went fine for about the first week. He helped me move down to my new location. When he left he told me that it would only be 4 1/2 months and then we would be together for the rest of our lives. He called me everyday and told me he loved me for about a week.

 

Then we got in a fight about a girl he had being hanging out with. Months prior, this "friend" from work of his came over and starting hitting on him. He was drunk and is niave when it comes to womens intentions. He always sees the good in people. Anyway, at this get together at my house, we were all drinking and she was rubbing his neck and just giving him adoring looks. She even had the nerve to tell one of my friends that she thought he was really good looking. I was hanging out with my friend Matt outside. I did not really know how to handle the situation, as I was drunk myself, but I went back inside and he was passed out on our bed. Who was lying next to him? HER. She was. He was out of it and so was she, but who in the hell did she think she was. What nerve? I was being dumb too... I should have told her off. I didn't. She eventually left and the next day appologized to my boyfriend for hitting on him. Manipulative GIRL! Uhhhh...

 

Anywayz, months went on before I moved. Her phone # remained in his phone and she txt messaged him a few times. He said he was sorry about what happened and that he was telling her how much he was in love with me all night. He did not know how she got the wrong idea. He and I agreed that it sucked for her that she screwed up the possiblity of a friendship with him by disrespecting our relationship.

 

So, I moved and a week after I was gone, my boyfriend called me and said, "I have a confession to make." He said that he went out to dinner with the girl from his work that had hit on him that night. At first I was like that's ok. And then I thought about it and got angry. He wasn't respecting our relationship or the boundaries of common decency. I got angry and told him on the phone I thought he was being dumb and that if he wanted to be with me, he had to start acting like it. He got angry, told me he had to go and I continued to talk because I wanted to come to some resolution. He got angry and I got the point and said goodbye.

 

The next time I talked to him he was upset and said he felt sick and upset, angry with me for leaving and resentful that I would leave him. I told him that I was sorry and that I thought that he had a lot of pain to deal with from his last relationship (she cheated on him with friend after going off to college and his mother (poned him off to grandparents and started new marriage with new kids.) He got upset, but still wanted to come see me like we had planned 10 days prior.

 

When he got to my place, he had so much pain in his eyes and seemed very distant. I bought him flowers, a card and offered to make him dinner. I told him I thought we needed to talk and all he wanted to do was put it off. We ended up messing around and then he had a sad look in his eyes like something was very, very wrong. He went to sleep shortly after that and neither of us slept the whole night. In the morning, I started crying, begging to know what was going on. He said that he thought he needed "some space," as if there already wasn't enough space. I asked him what that meant and he told me he did not know. He said he felt angry with me and that it was just better this way before I hurt him or he hurt me. He said he cannot have commitment right now. He said he does not want to see eachother. He said he has never been alone and needs to be now. He said he can't marry someone that would leave him. He said that he fears I will cheat on him down the road if I have never experience anyone else sexually. I disagreed. He said he feared I would leave him again and that he would never do that to me. He said he is in school right now and HAS to be where he is to finish up he program. He said he doesn't want to hold me back and wants to take care of his parametic program and get settled in life before he has a long term relationship... He has an extreme fear of failure in life and pointed to all of his examples that did not get the kind of jobs they wanted because they gave up and gave in and had families.

 

But the thing is, he is the one that has always wanted commitment and has talked about growing old together... he is the one that continually told me he thought I was his soulmate.

 

I asked him if he cheated on me and he said that he would never do that. I asked him if there was anyone else.... again he said no. I asked him if he planned on seeing other people and he said, not right now.

 

So, I ask, what could have happened in a week to make him be disgusted with me and want to give up the relationship?

[crookster_man]

Well it sounds like he is suffering from sever abandonment issues. This is something HE will have to over come. I am very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. To him he sees you moving away as you leaving him. He doesn't see the fact that you are perusing your dreams which in the long run will make both of your lives better.

 

All he sees is you leaving him. This goes right back to his child hood trauma and past relationships. He is dumping his insecurities and fears on you without really addressing them. I am sorry for him. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do, other then tell him you love him and that he needs to address his fears.

 

I do understand the bind you are in. I would suggest that you keep on doing what you need to do. Follow your dreams, make sure you secure your future. With or without him, you will be happy. Eventually you will find a man who can compliment your life. It might be him, maybe not. But trust me in time it will happen.

[chelzc]

I need advice guys, hasn't anyone been through something similar? Guys, how do you approach a guy who has closed off emotionally or do you?

[crookster_man]

If you are looking for more responses, try making a new post edited for size. Most people don't read very long posts. So cut it down in size and you will get more responses. There is a lot a good tips on getting more responses in the members lounge. You can find that under Announcements on the index page.

 

You didn't like what I had to say eh? I really try to avoid giving specific advice in any situation since every situation is different. It's hard to compare.

 

Simply put, communication is the only way to break down the walls. If he is such off and defensive, try making the surroundings far more comfortable. Take him some place pleasant; try to make him feel safe. This will allow you to talk more freely.

 

The problem here is him not you. You can't force him to open up and communicate. All you can do is create a situation in which the possibility of him opening up is increased. The actual breaking down of walls will be something HE has to do. For better or worse this is how it is.

 

So try reposting your question "How do I break down the walls between me and my emotionally cold BF?" maybe give a quick synopsis of the situation. But make the question quick and direct. This will get you the most responses.