Should I test the water after 3 months of NC?

[icarus27]

I almost didn't post this because I thought every die-hard NC supporter would jump at me. But then many heads are better than my own, and I could do with your opinions.

 

My ex-gf broke up with me 3 months ago. Her reasons were vague, she said she didn't know and that the relationship somehow felt wrong, but she couldn't say what was wrong. After much to-ing and fro-ing, she finally came out with the line that the spark was gone. Coming after a year of being together when she had always reassured me of her love for me, of course, this devastated me.

 

When she broke up with me, she tried to let me down easy, saying she loved me and that I was a good man. Just one of those things girls say, right? Ok, the most I can take away from that is that she cared, and felt guilty to do what she did. She cried a great deal.

 

About a month after the breakup, I went back to an evening dance class we used to go to. Saw her best (girl)friend K. there, but not her. K. was surprisingly friendly, said hi. The next week, just before going to the same class, I got a text from my ex-gf saying she was warning me that she would be at the class, since K. had told her I'd been there the previous week. Am I reading too much into it if I wonder whether there was something deliberate in this? As an aside, I noticed she wore the same outfit she was wearing the first day I set eyes on her all that time ago .... just pure chance? Maybe.

 

Since then NC again. And I have not returned to the dance class because I realised it would mess up my healing. So I had to take the decision I didn't want to take: to not go back there.

 

Why am I suddenly thinking of one more communication with her? I am toying with the idea of writing her a one-off email.

 

During the 3 months of NC, she will have had a chance to see whether she misses me - or not. Some of you will say she would've got back in contact if she really wanted me to be in her life - but then I know her as far from the assertive type. She is exactly the kind of person to take my NC as a sign of hatred, and be scared to make any move. So an email to her would be a way to sound out if any of her feelings have changed, now that she's had time to think.

 

Crucially, I have to be okay with whatever outcome happens. I can only write this email if I am ok with the very likely outcome that she says No. Or a step further, that she's with someone else. And that's what I'm wrestling with. NC is for my healing .... I am thinking hard before I break it.

 

What would you do?

[in_love]

If you are gonna contact her maybe keep the "getting back together" speech until you are certain she wants to.

 

Just call her and ask her out for a coffee or whatever. If she says no then just get on with life if its a yes then just go and see what happens. what are you gonna lose?

 

read this:

[papalazarou]

But I completely understand when you say "She is exactly the kind of person to take my NC as a sign of hatred, and be scared to make any move" because my ex was the same, and admitted that she never would've contacted me or told me she still loved had I not re-initiated contact. That's something that all the NC supporters never seem to accept!

 

 

But the thing is I do accept that at some point you will want to make contact.

 

However what NC does is give you time to heal...so you are ready to make that contact without turning into a needy, blubbering, begging, clingy mess that usually happens when you make contact in the first few days.

 

Furthermore it does give them a chance to genuinely miss you and if they are thinking alot about you they would welcome the contact that you make. If they said I thought you hated me because you havent spoken to me you could answer along the lines of "no way I was giving you the space you wanted" or "I was respecting your privacy" or "I had to sort myself out so it was best I didnt contact you until I did so"...etc etc

[shikashika]

hmnn..i know what you mean when you say 'but she would never contact me'

 

this is the way my ex is too... and even now i'm just getting so tired of thinking of him... with MOST people, if someone goes NC on them, they will contact... but not my ex... or your either, from the sounds of it.

 

when i did run into hima nd speak to him all he said was " i thought I wasn't supposed to talk to you' and i really think he meant it..

but then this is another reason why he's so bad for me... who wants a guy without any balls!! (or a girl without any balls )

 

anyway, call her if you really really want to...but make sure you aren't going to 'get her back'

 

good luck!

[icarus27]

Hullo everyone,

 

I sent the email to her asking if anything had changed for her.

 

It's been four days, and I intentionally avoided checking email as I did not want to wait around all the while, hoping for some reply to come in. I got on with my weekend, which was surprisingly full of activities with other friends -- and for which I feel grateful for.

 

I've taken a deep breath and checked email just now. No reply from her.

 

D'you know - I'm not feeling toooo bad. Is it going to be a delayed reaction inside me I wonder? Her lack of response is itself a response.

 

Your thoughts and opinions would be really welcome. I expect I'll need some support in the next few days. Thanks in advance -

[papalazarou]

Hmmm. I think I would have given her a ring to say hello and if she was pleasant then you could have invited her out for a drink.

 

maybe the email was a bit too heavy? By that I mean asking if anything changed etc etc.

 

It needs to be light and funny!

[icarus27]

Papalarazou,

 

It was light. I even took the liberty of running it past a good female friend to ask her opinion, before I sent it. She said it was brief, not heavy, and sounded warm.

 

Despite the devastation of the break-up, I have not uttered a harsh word in anger at her. So it's not as if terrible things were said before, and now I'm changing my tone. I've been civil all along.

[papalazarou]

Oh thats good then in that case.

 

Maybe in a few days you could ring her (but dont mention the email unless she does) to wish her a merry xmas and maybe invite her out for a drink/coffee etc.

 

Its good that there has been no anger. At least it means that she will feel comfortable talking to you - by that I mean at least she knows that she wont be getting anger or abuse when she picks up the phone!

[silentalways]

u know what? i know if my ex walking up to me right now i would die to hug her but i would play it kewl

 

its kinda weird because after all this, i feel inside like i did at the start

 

no over thinking

 

no uncontrol emotional need to release hurt or anything because the work is done

 

i understand what i needed

 

hey, i was there - i know what happened

 

and the issues are really things that we worked on before

 

the past is the past we both know that

 

we did enuff of that

 

last time we saw each other was opening day at school and we were both sneaking glaces over at each other

 

when we did that at the same time

 

we both looked away

 

but i lingered longer keeping my head

 

she lowered hers

 

and it was just nice to see her

 

gawd - this woman really took a chunk out of me

 

but did show with purpose

 

how in the world could i think that's bad

 

see, now i am able to LIVE without her

 

the desire to be with her is still there and all those dreams and desires

 

but the difference is it will not impact me like it did before

 

i guess u can say i grew up, learned to actually see what each of us are and were doing and i am calmer in mind body and spirit

 

so, one day i will see her

 

after all i did buy concert tickets tonite

 

if i never see her buy time the show starts [after x-mas] i can find a date

 

anyways, if i do see her there is one thing i really must see

 

the first black and white pictuire of her

 

ok

 

home james

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi icarus27,

 

I will probably get shouted at here, but I am not a firm believer in NC. If you are going to beg and cry then try it, but it doesn't work for me.

 

I have quite a long post...but in a nutshell my bf broke up with me 8 weeks ago...wanted space, time etc. (He's a Scot too!) we lived together so I lost both my bf and my home.

 

However after a short period of NC we started to talk. He is starting to realise that our problems are not so big and it's only through talking that he has come to this conclusion. If we had maintained NC then he would have just stuck his head in the sand and not thought about things.

 

I say do what you want. If NC helps then that's good, but sometimes honest communication is the way forward xxx

[papalazarou]

Pisces

 

You do realise that you have advocated No Contact!!!!

 

The idea is that you sufficiently heal - for some people this might be days fr some weeks or months. I agree if there was no contact forever then of course you would never get back together.

 

But you need NC to help you heal so when you do contact them or they contact you, you are in a position of strength having "got yourself together" and not do anything irrational and can have a reasoned adult discussion.

[Pisces_Princess]

papalazarou,

 

Yes I know I advocated it and while I was going through the begging, pleading, crying part then I would recommend it. I was probably a nightmare, but part of the agony was not knowing what went wrong.

 

But, there come's a point in any relationship where the dialogue has to be opened up.

 

I just think it depends on the personalities involved.

 

I think a lot of people think NC will bring back their boyfriend, but is that actually part of the healing process? I am not so sure

[icarus27]

Papalazarou,

 

I'd be nervous picking up the phone to ask her for a coffee (and I presume, an 'exit' interview). Which is why I used email. I begged and pleaded a lot face-to-face before the 3 months of NC - somehow have lost all will to do that now. Or maybe I'm just scared.

 

So I don't know that I can follow up with a phone call. Just for clarification (and I'm not arguing with you), what would be the aim?

 

Pisces_Princess,

 

It's a tough call to say when you're healed enough to break NC to talk. Like you, I'm a believer in talking to clarify problems. The shame was, my ex-gf wasn't. Sadly for me.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi icarus27,

 

Difficult I know..I suppose it depends whether you need closure to properly move on or if seeing her/talking to her will set you back.

 

Only you know. xxx

[papalazarou]

papalazarou,

 

Yes I know I advocated it and while I was going through the begging, pleading, crying part then I would recommend it. I was probably a nightmare, but part of the agony was not knowing what went wrong.

 

But, there come's a point in any relationship where the dialogue has to be opened up.

 

I just think it depends on the personalities involved.

 

I think a lot of people think NC will bring back their boyfriend, but is that actually part of the healing process? I am not so sure

 

 

Agree 100%. Those that do NC to bring back their "ex" tho miss the point and I agree thats not part of the healing process. You do NC for you so you can heal.

 

Once healed then by all means open communication. Especially if the other person is willing to talk.

[papalazarou]

Papalazarou,

 

I'd be nervous picking up the phone to ask her for a coffee (and I presume, an 'exit' interview). Which is why I used email. I begged and pleaded a lot face-to-face before the 3 months of NC - somehow have lost all will to do that now. Or maybe I'm just scared.

 

So I don't know that I can follow up with a phone call. Just for clarification (and I'm not arguing with you), what would be the aim?

 

Pisces_Princess,

 

It's a tough call to say when you're healed enough to break NC to talk. Like you, I'm a believer in talking to clarify problems. The shame was, my ex-gf wasn't. Sadly for me.

 

 

I suppose it really depends what you want out of it.

 

I mean you never know you may meet and she could say Ive missed you terribly, where did we go wrong, lets get back together! On the other hand she may say nothing at all.

 

I think you will know you have healed if you communicate with her and get either no response or a negative response and it does not affect you. You just shrug your shoulders and say "it was worth a try".

 

I wouldnt call it an exit interview. Maybe not even talk about the relationship at first. Just meet up and have a laugh. That will show her you have changed as well.

 

Testing the water in my book would be to see whether she is comfortable to meet up with you.

[papalazarou]

It is of course possible that in those three months she has changed her email address...

 

I just think that by giving them a call shows confidence. Of course you need to exercise self control!

[Pisces_Princess]

I agree with Papalazarou, you can meet her hear what she has to say (it may not be bad) and if you are fully healed then you can move on...

 

I was up all night worrying about what the problems were, asking my friends etc etc when I realised that the person who had the answers was him!

 

I feel so much better for seeing him last week. He has messaged me a few times and called me. We are now talking things over and looking to the future. If I had stayed in NC then I would still be agonising.

[icarus27]

Papa,

 

(That abbreviation felt weird to type)

 

While she was with me, she would mention a cheater of an ex-boyfriend who would email her at times. This guy was a nasty piece of work. I would expect that if she didn't change her address all the while she was walking away from that break-up, while he was writing her hurtful emails, I don't expect she would change it for me (who has written nothing in 3 months).

 

Oh dear .. the thought of her changing it is unsettling though ..

[papalazarou]

Well, I guess it depends on the server ...

 

Yes thats right! Also alot of these free email things keep the account active indefinitely or a long time. Hotmail for instance i think is 6 months before they close it if you havent used it in that time...

[papalazarou]

Papa,

 

(That abbreviation felt weird to type)

 

While she was with me, she would mention a cheater of an ex-boyfriend who would email her at times. This guy was a nasty piece of work. I would expect that if she didn't change her address all the while she was walking away from that break-up, while he was writing her hurtful emails, I don't expect she would change it for me (who has written nothing in 3 months).

 

Oh dear .. the thought of her changing it is unsettling though ..

 

 

Well maybe she hasnt changed it. But then again its only been what four days. Maybe she only looks at it weekly. I know for a fact I look at my hotmail acct about once a week!

 

Also I hardly look at it during the weekend as well!

 

I still think you should give a her a call tho!

[icarus27]

Ellie2006,

 

You've understood how I'm feeling very well ...

 

I saw the email as a exactly that, a show of willingness to talk. Chances are that she will not take the hint, or reciprocate. That thought just recurred to me just now, and it's depressing.

[Pisces_Princess]

Agreed, she may not have checked her e-mail.

 

Although it is a possibility that she doesn't quite know how to respond or perhaps she is not ready for contact yet.

[icarus27]

Am I ready to put my heart on the line again and call her? No.

 

To Ellie2006, yes she is the shy type. That was one reason I upped and wrote the email - she would never make the first move herself. Besides she had some Jane Austen style old fashioned ideas about how it is the gentleman's duty to pursue, never the lady's ...

 

The idea of calling is scary. I'll pour my heart out to you guys - indulge me. The worst thing I remember from our break-up conversations, was me trying to articulate feelings, trying to ask her what she felt and why she felt it, and being met with stony, sad silence until she would finally just cry (because she said she felt guilty for breaking up). She would hug me or hold my hand at times, but never express herself properly - just tears.

 

I could have thrown the psychology textbook at her and say She's emotionally inarticulate, etc etc, but this doesn't get anyone anywhere, so I didn't.

 

I fear that calling now will get a similar reaction. Maybe I am painting pessimistic pictures in my head, but if we met for coffee, I imagine myself trying to be the adult (again) while she sits, like a sulking child, and I try to get her feelings out of her like extracting teeth.

 

Sorry I sound so fed up guys, I loved and respected this woman, but even my friends told me after eharing of her behaviour that she was like a child at times. (She's 23).

[papalazarou]

Icarus

 

When you say test the water...what are you hoping for???