Should I test the water after 3 months of NC?

[icarus27]

You may jump at me for this, but when I said "test the water" I meant "testing for any change of mood or feeling that might mean she would want to get back together."

 

It is not that I've done NC for this. I'm clear that I did NC for myself. But at the 3-month point I thought I would check with her, then move on with a clear conscience, knowing that I had at least tried to hold the door open one more time.

 

I guess what you're hearing are my mixed up feelings, part of me misses her.

[Pisces_Princess]

I agree with Ellie2006,

 

You have opened the line of communication, you never know until you try...

 

Another pro for calling her: you may realise on hearing her voice that she does not have the power over you that she once had. Sometimes we get stuck in the 'perfect past'. Perhaps if she was sullen and sulky you may feel that you have had a lucky escape! Just my opinion...x

[papalazarou]

Before the invention of email or internet it would have been a letter or a phone call.

 

Maybe you could send her a christmas card with a little note?

[icarus27]

I'm really grateful for all your replies, it's good to have your views and support -

 

In answer to Ellie, my ex wasn't good at writing either. The breakup took a protracted 3 weeks - with me emailing several times to explain my position. If she found talking difficult, she could at least have emailed - she chose not to do that either. The only times she ever said meaningful things about her troubled feelings was by text message ... and how much can you say in that?? I know, by now you must be thinking what the heck I saw in this anally retentive person .... in her defence I'll say that she was lovely about praising people when they got things right (she praised me a lot when we were together), just unable to communicate difficult feelings like discontent or anger.

 

Also the pros and cons breakdown was very instructive.

 

"con: like Pisces points out above, she's not ready to talk right now and may be resentful (?) that you're pushing (?) the issue by calling her "

 

That one is very pertinent. She didn't like me pushing an issue. I am leaning towards *not* making a call.

 

Papa,

I'll consider the Christmas message idea.

 

One good thing I've taken from the chat here is that there is utility in simply meeting to have a light-hearted talk, without relationship chatter.

But I hate being untrue to myself in that way ... putting a fake grin on and talking some airy-fairy stuff while inside me there are questions unanswered. But I do take the point that light talk can help her feel more comfortable, and so has a purpose. For what it's worth.

[papalazarou]

One good thing I've taken from the chat here is that there is utility in simply meeting to have a light-hearted talk, without relationship chatter.

 

If you met her or rang her then thats exactly what I mean. For the FIRST meeting anyway.

 

I agree you want to get to the bottom of it but maybe on the second or third time you meet. Furthermore she may start the ball rolling herself and you may not have to say anything!

[arrrrffff]

Thnak-you icarus and everyone for all the informative posts. It's a side of healing I didn't know.

 

To sum it up:

 

NC is a way to heal yourself.

 

Communication is the key to opening up the doors for reconciliation, whether it be as friends or a relationship. There is always the possibility your ex maybe too scared [that you hate her, out of guilt] to call you, so you must make make contact because she never will. Only start communicating if you are ready to live without him/ her AND healthy [not an emotional wreck, physically healthy, etc].

[Mavis VDSande]

One good thing I've taken from the chat here is that there is utility in simply meeting to have a light-hearted talk, without relationship chatter.

But I hate being untrue to myself in that way ... putting a fake grin on and talking some airy-fairy stuff while inside me there are questions unanswered. But I do take the point that light talk can help her feel more comfortable, and so has a purpose. For what it's worth.

 

I think it's a good idea when you initiate contact to be light-hearted and casual. It's been 3 months and the last thing she wants to hear is some heavy-handed analysis or more thoughts about your relationship, especially when she seemed vague and not so open during your break-up.

 

I think an xmas card is a great idea (make it short and sweet though, no i love yous, just a happy xmas!). The problem is, if you call her and she doesn't pick up, you'll feel like a lemon leaving a lame answerphone message. And, hearing your voice again may alarm her.

 

If you think she's worth it, you may think it's a slow process sending her a card nearer xmas and then waiting a bit more but the balls sort of going to be in her court if that makes sense. As long as you don't put pressure on her to reply to you, hopefully she will respond with ease!

 

Hugs,

 

MvdS x

[icarus27]

Today has started a deeply troubled day for me. I'm in a bad state, crying half the time that I'm at work.

 

I said yesterday in my post that I had been civil all along to her.

 

There was one mistake I made, which she interpreted as rude. When I took her things back to her, I also took back presents she had given me. I swear that I didn't do this out of spite: at the time I was so overwhelmed with pain that I had to take away everything in my home that reminded me of her.

 

She saw this as very rude, shouted and told me so. For some reason, the horrible memory of being shouted at like that is coming back to me today, and cutting me to the bone.

 

A few days after the incident, I emailed her to say that I realised it had not been the right thing to do, that my head had been messed up with hurt; and then went into NC.

 

In the terrible break-up, that's the only thing I did that was inappropriate - taking those presents back. I'll never know if she understood that I was in pain then.

[papalazarou]

To be honest Icarus 3 months is a long time and you really did nothing wrong (I would have kept the presents tho LOL) I mean no abuse or anything like that. I think she will know you were in pain because you gave those items back!

 

thereforeeee probably the best idea is the xmas card. It IS afterall the season of GOODWILL.

[Vynde]

I just read through this thread, which by the way is very helpful.

 

I remember posting in the "Getting back together” section early in my process, however was never able to initiate any communication for fear of being hurt especially when I was already so disabled.

 

I have a letter all written - which if I did decide to send it, it would most def need to be revised since the content is not as light as it should be.

 

I fear also she might be taking this period of NC as me being angry - Or maybe in a way wishing she was taking it that way, which in turn would give me hope of reconciling.

 

I think for now, I will keep NC.

[Pisces_Princess]

Vynde,

 

What does the letter say?

[Vynde]

Ill post it word for word when I get home.

 

It isnt a dark letter at all, to be honest, its made up of many questions - I also go into how I will miss what we had.

[icarus27]

Papa,

 

Appreciated your comment.

 

It was a misjudged thing to do, but God, I have blamed myself so much for not getting it right. It brings me some relief to hear someone say it's not the end of the world.