Dating Exclusively: How Soon is Too Soon?

[Grokker]

Hi everyone,

 

I went on my second date with this girl

 

 

 

Yesterday. The previous week, I had done my damndest to limit contact with her... not emailing her, not calling her more than a couple of times the whole week. Incredibly hard, but I got through it.

 

It worked wonders. By our second date, she was more into me than ever, and showing it. We spent a long time together, then made out so fiercely it was practically s_x with our clothes on.

 

Today, she emailed me a couple of times, very affectionate... said she couldn't get my face out of her mind, stuff like that. On her second email she brought up the topic of dating exclusivity and what she does and does not consider "cheating"... in a very matter of fact, mature way. She said, we'd need to talk about that more. Understand, I hadn't gone anywhere near the issue with her before this.

 

Then I called her (I'd been putting off doing so all day, but finally I did). We had a great conversation as always. Then, the topic came around to dating exclusivity and monogamy again. I told her that, on general principles, I accepted her idea of what constitutes an honest relationship... "anything you wouldn't do with a family member, if done with someone of the opposite sex, is cheating". Fair enough.

 

Then... damn me to hell... I blurted out "Speaking for myself, I can't imagine wanting to date anybody else at the moment". This, after two dates (both were wonderful, but still).

 

She was silent for a while, then sort of laughed, telling me that she really "felt" me, and that I had just made her feel 17 again. Her answer, once she got her thoughts together:

 

1) She couldn't imagine wanting to date anyone else either.

2) She thinks, in the interest of keeping it simmering on a low flame... we should wait until we'd had a few more dates before declaring it "monogamous" (her word).

3) She is going to have a talk with her ex (broke up with him in January). Apparently they still see each other in the same social circle now and then, and they're still "affectionate" with each other (she clarified that it was nothing sexual)... but she says, she's going to have a talk with him and put a formal end to any of that.

 

This is the first time with her that I've lost control of my emotions a little bit and shown my hand. I feel like kicking my teeth out. Tell me, people... did I just ruin everything? Is there anything I can do? What are your feelings on the issue?

 

I didn't mean to pressure her or anything... just saying what I really felt, which is that at the moment, I don't think I have the time and energy to date anyone that I don't at least see some potential with... as I obviously do, with her.

 

Could she have read it another way, and is two dates too early to declare something like this? What can I do to remedy the situation?

[renaissancewoman101]

I dont think two dates is too early to want an exclusive relationship. My ex wanted to be exclusive by date 2 and have sex. I held off for a few more weeks because I was afraid he was moving too fast.

 

If you think that she is not at your speed, just dont mention it anymore and let things go for a bit and flow at its own speed.

[Cardinal]

You play it more conservatively than many men do. I think I can learn a thing or two from you behavior! I have noticed in my own experiences that indicating too much interest too soon, even if genuine is more likely to mess up a relationship than to help it grow. It is almost like it is better not to communicate until the right time, which is a very tough thing for me to do too.

 

Two dates is not necessarily too early. I have learned that I personally don't do well trying to date more than one woman at a time. It is the reason I am not worried about cheating any longer. It is also a way to keep my intentions in check. If I am asked about exclusivity, I can always respond that I simply don' t date more than one woman at a time. And if she presses me further, it is her doing the pressing and I can tell her how I feel.

 

In this case she kind of did the reverse and I think she made the right choice in waiting a few more dates to call it exclusive. While it might have been a bit premature to declare exclusivity at that moment, I don't consider it any big mistake. Not all women will run from commitment. It seems to be one of those situations where, the more independent that man seems and the cooler he plays it, the more the woman is drawn to him. I don't know why it works that way, but it has in every relationship I have been in.

[zippitt]

As the long as the woman is on the same wavelength I wouldn't be concerned, and she seems to be pretty much there in this case. Just don't bring it up again unless she first starts talking about it. Sounds like you have a great catch.

[Massari]

Grokker

 

you seem to miss the point that she WAS THE ONE WHO brought it up. not you. this is much better then you think. She was quie you said, this is mainly because she has feelings for you hence she initiated that exclusively so she can break off any strings with the ex and she told you that also (very mature move from her side) and u like her and agreeded to be exclusive. I personally don't see what can possibly be wrong here. She has feelings for you which are stronger then the feelings that she was for the ex and she is in a situation that she hasn't been before (not too many times at least) and she has fallen for you since she wants you to be exclusive as well. I think things are good here so don't worry about it. good luck mate

[need2bme]

Grokker: Same EXACT thing happened with me. You have probably already read that I may be crashing and burning. I am unsure of what I did, but let it suffice to say that she put the brakes on and decided we needed to slow it down. I am ok with that, but she has slowed it WAY down.

 

Not sure what to make of it. It has been a couple of weeks. Last weekend, she was telling me that she wanted to be exclusive and I was not to date anyone else. She had very, very strong feelings for me. Asked me questions about past relationships, to gauge info for current relationship, etc. All initiated by her.

 

Now, I let her catch me and guess what. "A lady/girl likes a challenge". Comments about kissing, what I should should not do that aggravate her and so forth. I guaran-damn-tee you it is because she is scared, but I must have done/said something to put her off.

 

So, even though I want to go slow, it still bugs me. So, I am just going to hang out with my friends (girl or guy) and let her have her space. She was texting me constantly and has now put the squeeze on all of our plans.

 

Brother, I hope it works out, cause I know how ya feel, but just please take it slow. Cause it ain't fun, when you are sitting at her house, expecting to really understand and reach out to someone you care for and she tells you that she is getting scared.

 

I know she is scared and so am I. I just didn't think that trying not to be scared, meant that I could no longer talk to her.

 

Be careful and GOOD LUCK!