I feel guilty when other guys show repeated obvious interest in me

[xmrth]

At my job there's a lot of customers who show a lot of interest in me. And I absolutely have -no- interest in them like that. But I feel like it's really wrong and I've been dwelling on it all day long. Whenever I get the chance with repeat customers who are a little too enthusiastic to see me or ask about me, I try to squeeze in "oh yeah, my boyfriend and I..." which makes me feel more comfortable in situations with people like that. Everyone I work with knows I have a longterm boyfriend but I don't know if they mention it to these customers or not. I only work a couple of days so people/guys ask and they make comments and things like that. But I try to make a point of it. I feel most guilty because today I had a chance to do that but the line was forming at work and I didn't want to prolong the conversation. I just didn't say anything, just ohh yeah, that kind of thing. And this particular guy always asks about me and has shown obvious interest by this point and even gave me his business card

 

I almost feel like I screwed up, and I hope this doesn't sound too absolutely stupid but I feel bad... like I did something really wrong because I know he's interested and I've not brought up my boyfriend. I am not enthusiastic with this guy and I greet him like I greet all the customers... I feel really stupid for posting this

 

 

Martha

[Survictor]

Perhaps a different job?

[xmrth]

...why would I get a different job over that?

[Survictor]

Well, it would mean you were not in this situation and would not have to dwell or feel guilty about their attraction and the fact you have a b/f etc. Perhaps it would be easier for you if you found something else. It doesn't sound like a real comfortable situation for you.

 

I would like to have to keep telling people I was in a relationship, especially if I only knew them in a professional capacity.

 

If you aren't that bothered by it then it isn't really a problem.

[annie24]

I think you are doing the right thing. I say the same thing when someone is hitting on me and I am in a relationship. I just casually work it into the conversation, like, "Oh yeah, my boyfriend also went there on vacation last year."

 

but tell me, how are things with your boyfriend going? are you guys working things out?

 

if anything, these guys seem more interested in you than your boyfriend does at times....

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

You might try a few things that might seem extreme, but should help if you really want to deter unwanted male attention:

 

1) Have a photo of you and your BF, arm in arm, or hugging, (but probably not kissing, as that might be a little unprofessional. Tape it to the front of your station. Put it in a heart-shaped frame, if you think you would be allowed.

 

2) Wear a big, fake rock on your finger. (too bad he hasn't bought it for you, but whatever works).

 

3) Wear a large heart shaped locket around your neck, if you can get one that holds a photo, have same picture of you and your BF displayed proudly in it.

 

It's sad to have to go to those extremes but it should at least cut down on the unwanted advances.

[annie24]

2) Wear a big, fake rock on your finger. (too bad he hasn't bought it for you, but whatever works).

 

Ha.

 

but.... a case in point..... if he hasn't claimed you as his, after 7 years, maybe you SHOULD be considering the advances of other men.....

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Ha.

 

but.... a case in point..... if he hasn't claimed you as his, after 7 years, maybe you SHOULD be considering the advances of other men.....

 

Seven years?

 

Yeah, good point esp if OP is waiting for a real rock. Sometimes method 2) I think is a cop out for the BF. Because if he doesn't want to lay claim to you, then maybe he shouldn't have you make things so easy for him. Well, but then a girl has to weigh out her own comfort. Even when I'm not with a BF I sometimes employ these methods, simply for my own comfort level, as I don't enjoy unwanted attention from certain undesireable males...

[Clementine orange]

You shouldn't feel guilty about guys hitting on you, unless of course you lead them on. Wouldn't it be worse if no guy ever hits on you? Which would you rather have?

If you are a single guy whose looking you tend to hit on everything that moves, I doubt any of these guys are losing any sleep over this

 

 

From the perspective of a guy I'd like to reiterate how great it is when a women you are getting to know brings up the boyfriend in a conversation and early on. Just so I know what's going on. It's really frustrating when you invest a bunch of time and charm only to find out she's not interested in that side of things.

 

I don't think you should wear a fake ring or photos and whatnot. Just use that b/f line whenever you are sure someone is getting too interested. Careful you don't mistake mere friendliness or whatever for "hitting on", just because some guy asks how you are etc doesn't mean he is interested.

 

I've run into the "my b/f went skiing last weekend" (or equilivent) type of line (telling me her status) before when I wasn't interested and I sometimes thought "jeez, you arrogant b*****, I was just being nice and friendly, I'm not trying to take you home".

 

I'm guessing you are a cocktail waitress or something....if so, then isn't that just part of the territory.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

She could be a bank teller or run a cash register at a grocery store. But actually it is pretty easy to tell when someone's zeroing in on you. I doubt its just her imagination. When they ask certain questions or what you're doing this weekend, are you going to the movie with a boyfriend stuff like that, plus if they're staring at you or leering at you while they're standing in line, it's pretty obvious....

[itsallgrand]

Give yourself a break, martha. Wow.

 

These guys are flirting because you are attractive. They are customers: they don't know a whit about you except that you seem nice, and are cute.

And that is all they need to know!

 

If they cross the line where you are feeling uncomfortable, I find a little withdrawl goes a long way.

If it's real bad, ask about his wife - oh, they love that. (Check it out: most of these guys who are shameless flirts have big fat wedding rings on)

 

Guilty!? If anything, you should be allowing yourself to enjoy the compliments more. It's a compliment. Take it or leave it.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Some girls (actually a lot of girls) simply don't enjoy numerous unwanted advances, especially at work, and it makes them feel uncomfortable. I don't think that she be unvalidated feeling, or anything she should be made to feel wrong for. If she doesn't take it as a compliment, then she doens't take it as a compliment. Personally I don't blame her.

 

If they do have a ring, maybe ask, "So does your wife bank (or shop) here, too?"

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I'm one of those people. But it's life as a woman: you can't escape it no matter how you try.

 

You can feel guilty and offended by the majority, or you can pick and choose the scums from the decents who are just flirting. Feeling guilt for being yourself at work isn't much fun.

 

Don't intend to argue - only giving another perspective on it. She can take it, I'm sure.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I know, and yes I agree she should not feel guilty about it, but I think it's perfectly normal to use stategies to increase her comort level. She doesn't want to be objectified while at work, I can't blame her for that.

[Clementine orange]

If guys never hit on girls at stores or banks or whatever then there would be alot of lonely people out there! I personally have met and dated many women outside the singles bar/online dating service type places. I especially like employed women!

Naturally one should never be rude or pushy about it.

 

Where is the objectification there?

[annie24]

Where I work, I don't get hit on a lot because I don't meet large quanities of new people at work. When I do, I don't really think a lot about it. I think, more than anything else, these guys aren't too serious, just want to smile and joke around a little bit to break up the monotony of their day. None of them are making a SERIOUS play for me, so why bother getting worked up or worried?

[walkingwithaghost]

If it's a food service job I suggest you laugh at them, flirt with them, get good tips and take your bf out to dinner and laugh at them with him...

[itsallgrand]

That's exactly what I meant, Annie. Most are harmless: they don't know you, just want a pleasant exchange. Some do want to flirt or something more, but it isn't hard to draw the line where you like.

Harassment is another matter.

[unface]

You cant hold yourself responsible for the feelings of every man that hits on you.

 

They're taking a chance and they know it. If they aren't able to handle rejection, then they shouldn't be out there.

 

Actually, it really isn't even rejection... you just aren't available.

[xmrth]

Thanks so much for replies!

I think what makes me feel the most guilty is if these people believe I don't have a boyfriend, and then talk about it. I don't think most guys talk all about a girl they're interested in, but that is what scares me the most, is giving the wrong impression somehow by being friendly with male customers for months, but they still haven't heard "my boyfriend" yet.

 

I don't know why I get so scared. I can't even tell my boyfriend about it if it's funny because I feel scared-- of just nothing and everything. No real reason but feeling like it's a bad idea. So I feel even worse if he were to get wind of a guy liking me. I know how stupid that sounds! I feel like I'm at fault because it involves me. I do feel better about it today, though. Just letting it out and realizing some things may be out of my control