He Called Me

[tara3720]

Hi Everyone,

I was at work today, and my ex called me. He thought I'd changed my number, so he called at work. He was so polite. He was that way when we were together at times, very polite, considerate, etc.... WHEN I wasn't pissing him off. LOL

 

Anyways, he said if I couldn't talk he totally understood. I had the time, so we I said it was fine. we were very friendly, he told me he just called to say Happy Thanksgiving and see how I was doing. We chatted for about 20 min... He gave me some really good stock advice, and since he's done EXTENSIVE research, gave me tips that most people may not know. I truly believe with all the metal stocks and ETF's he's bought he'll be a millionare soon...

 

So, that was it. The converstation was almost "professional." He was so sweet and helpful, but didn't ask ANYTHING of me. I told him to have fun on his snowboarding trip (Dec 3rd) and he said he'd probably talk to me before then, we said happy thanksgiving, and hung up. Why was he so nice? Now I feel so bad, like I don't know what do think or do from here? Just move on like nothing happened and think nothing of it? I'm hurting a lot again, and I'm just trying to find a way to forget this and smile again. Thanks guys.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

lots of people get nostalgic for family, old friends, etc. around the holidays. it is also quite common for friends to touch base with holiday wishes, christmas cards etc. so i wouldn't read too much into his call.

 

so he could be feeling nostalgic due to holidays which most folks do, but sounds like he has no intention of starting things up again with you, just a little warm fuzzy for himself...

 

but the fact that this upset you so much and you are hurting now shows that you were actually happy better off NOT talking to him... you were fine before his call, and miserable now. so you should just go back to no contact.

 

you are already doing some mental tracking his moves again (i.e., you mention the exact date of his snowboard trip in this posting, why should that matter to you?), which is a subconscious way of continuing contact/attachment with him. am i right, that you will probably be imaging him now at thanksgiving dinner, and on Dec. 3 will be imagining him snowboarding on the slopes and....?? all of that kind of fantasizing about an ex- is stimulated by contact and hearing about him, so best to stop this now before you really feel bad about it...

 

my ex-husband too called me at work after a long time of no contact after our divorce to chat me up, and seemed very happy and normal etc. but it threw me for a loop too... and i subsequently found out that at the time of this call, he was living with the woman he had cheated on me with, and planning a wedding with her for a month or two later, NONE of which he mentioned in this cheery little chat. so your ex- is assuredly filtering the information he is telling you, for his own purposes.

 

so i thought, what was the point of that, other than for his own reasons, just stirring things up again?? i made a point of using caller ID from then on and whenever i saw his number i just refused to pick up!

 

i realized that taking his calls was only a way to make HIM feel better, and sometimes calls like this out of the blue are just a way of them appeasing their own guilt, or making them feel in control or they just had a fight with their girlfriend and need a little sense of freedom or payback or whatever.

 

so please try to go off and enjoy your OWN holidays, not think about him or his activities... this is doing you no good, and does not get you any real comfort or progress in healing and moving on to a relationship with someone else... keep in mind that he is not spending thanksgiving with YOU, and he is not taking YOU on holiday snowboarding, so all of this chatty information and contact is meaningless for you and just stirs things up.

 

and if you need good stock tips, there is tons of internet research out there, you don't need his advice NOR do you need to fantasize about how rich HE will be, since he will be sharing none of that with YOU!

 

i hope you see where i am going with this... that call was about him and his feelings, and not yours, and if the relationship is over, you should be spending time talking to people who really care about you and can be a large part of your life, which he no longer is. he had a nice little ego boost, a nice holiday warm fuzzy, and now you are miserable. that alone should tell you to not take his calls again and just move on...

 

Hugs!! i know it is hard, but you can do it!

[tara3720]

Thank you so much for the reply! It really helped. He was the one who told me the exact date of his snowboarding trip, and he made it a point to say he was still going alone. He said it was strictly to learn how to snowboard, and that was it. I said, "it's ok, I don't care if you're going alone or not." I also told him, "have fun!" He said, "well, I'll talk to you before then." who knows. I can't read into anything, because I know he didn't treat me right, and going back to him isn't an option. I did many things to provoke him, but his actions weren't normal.

 

With his verbal abuse and temper, I'm sure at 35 he'll do it to the next woman, and I'm so much better off without him.

[Juliana]

I think you've got the right attitude. I notice this: "He was that way when we were together at times, very polite, considerate, etc.... WHEN I wasn't pissing him off. LOL"

 

I assume it was him that made it clear that you were pissing him off, and that was the excuse he gave for his critical and demeaning behaviour. In fact, if someone consistently pisses you off, you don't turn into a j*cka**, you simply say, "I'm sorry, this isn't working, too bad." He has tried to make you feel responsible for his choice to behave badly by saying you needed to change your behaviour to control his. Rather than him controlling himself. That is the bottom-line of all abusive relationships; the abusive person lets themselves behave terribly, but lays the responsibility for that on the other person, who then feels guilty and responsible for their own mistreatment.

 

He's waited to see if you would cave; you didn't. So he knows he has to try to lure you back in. Now, mind you, he doesn't think any of this on a conscious level; he's just aware of "urges." He has the urge to call you. He's a little ticked off that you haven't phoned him, but he's uncertain too; he wants your attention, he wants your focus on him, but he knows he can't get it back right away, so he has to lure you close -- which he does by acting like a normal person. He may want your attention for 10 minutes, he may want it for a night -- but whatever his reasons, they are not about your feelings, only his.

 

You ask: "Why was he so nice?" And then you provide your own answer: "Now I feel so bad, like I don't know what do think or do from here?"

 

His goal, always, is to keep you from knowing what's going on in the relationship, keep you uncertain and unsure of yourself. The way to short-circuit that is to know exactly how you feel, and exactly what you want. You know what he's like, you know what the relationship was like. Don't ever allow him to put you in a position where you are begging for him to treat you decently again.

[tara3720]

Thanks for the reply. I think he actually made the right choice and ended it. Well, no one really officially ended it, we just both stopped talking for a month after realizing what we were doing to each other. I could tell he was hurt, he really did want it to work, but as a guy, he didn't express it by crying and vocally expressing his hurt like I did.

 

Yesterday was weird! We hung up after talking that afternoon, and I thought that was it. Then, around 5pm, he emails me he has my favorite yoga pants. I just email him back to say I'll mail a package so he can send them back.... Last night, around 10, he calls me. I pick up because I was dead asleep and didn't look who it was. He said he was lonely, wanted me to come over, etc.... I said I'd call him back in 15 min. He calls me back about 15 min later and says to not come now, he wants it to be right the next time he sees me, etc.... So, we talk till about midnight, and he says he misses cuddling with me, he still has my pictures up, etc... He sounded really sad, but didn't say anything about us working it out. He mentioned me coming over today, but I told him I couldn't (thanksgiving with my family.)

 

So, this morning I emailed him and told him to have a happy thanksgiving, have fun on his upcoming snowboarding trip, and that was it. I haven't heard back yet.

I want to see him SO bad, but I'm afraid he'll hurt me again. I'm doing the right thing right by letting him go by what you've all told me.

[Captain34]

I think he wants to be with you, and it sounds like you want to be with him.

 

BUT, it will never work out if both of you are so afraid to admit the obvious feelings you have for each other.

 

Nothing is worth it in life if you don't take a chance for it...

 

Happy Thanksgiving, gobble gobble