ive chased him for too long!!! now its his turn

[missmebaby]

ok ive heard that when someone breaks up with you, you need to act like you're the prize and they are missing out. ok well ive already chased him like crazy for 3 months and definitely made him feel like he is the prize. so how can I now flip it around and show him that hes missing out? what can i now do to show him that im the prize and he is making a huge mistake?? i want to show him that i am a great girl and i dont need him and plenty of other guys want me....give me some ideas of how i can show him im the prize here and not him!

[Jayar]

You ARE a great girl and plenty of guys DO want you. Live it up! Who cares if you never hear from your ex again?! He dumped you. By virtue of that fact, he isn't the one meant for you.

 

In all likelihood the moment you HONESTLY stop caring whether you hear from him or not (and you haven't yet) you'll probably hear from him. But then you won't care.

 

Edited to Add:

 

It really isn't his TURN for anything. He dumped you. That means he wanted to be out of the relationship. If you chased him for 3 months to no avail that should solidify for BOTH of you that he really didn't make a mistake and he really DID want out of the relationship. Please, whatever you do don't go into this NC expecting him to chase you. He doesn't want to be with you or else he would.

 

Please don't feel like that's harsh. I wish I had realized that in my own situation months ago too.

 

Good luck!

[kellbell]

Hey missme,

 

I hope this is not in reference to your ex whom you have been posting here about the last several months. I have went back and re-read all your posts and the simple fact is, he does not want to be with you. Have you read that book, "He Is Just Not That Into You?" If you haven't, I highly recommed that book. It will give you some perspective.

 

Relationships are hard, no doubt, but they should not be *that* hard. You are working so hard for nothing in return. He wants to be single, plus he is dating someone whom is a little older. Personally, I don't find anything disgusting about it at all. I would also refrain from calling him and finding out details about his life. When the relationship is right and meant to be, games are not necessary.

 

Missme, you have received wonderful advice from people here over the last three months, especially from MajorD23 and SuperDave. Are you taking *any* of this advice to heart? Are you reading these posts? Instead of spending all your time and enegry playing games, talking to him and finding out about details of his life, wondering what he is doing, why not use it more wisely and more productively? Like helping yourself, or helping others. Go out with your friends, engage in your interests, work out, volunteer, take a art class...something. It is apparent your ex is not spending his time trying to get back with you...so why should you waste any more precious time on him? Life is too short.

 

I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to give you something to think about and some perspective. I truley hope you feel better soon, you deserve to be happy.

 

(((hugs)))

[missmebaby]

yes i chased him but i only did it because he gave me reasons to. since we've broken up he has told me he still has feelings for me and still cares about me. he has talked about getting back together and that he misses me. i think he just wont follow through with it because he thinks im going to be waiting there for him whenever hes ready. so i need to show him that im not the kind of girl he wants to lose. he did this 8 months ago also. he broke up with me for the same reasons, acted the same way, but wanted me back after 2 weeks. i keep thinking the same thing is going to happen this time. i want him to remember how great of a girl i am but at the same time make him think that im moving on. i know everyone says go NC but besides that what else can i do?

[missmebaby]

if he is sure he doesnt want to get back with me then why does he say things like "hanging out with you makes me remember the good things." and "i dont know if we should hang out anymore because you just want to be friends and everytime i see you my feelings come back." i asked him the first time if he wanted to get back together and he said no, but the second time i asked him he said i dont know. and why does he still let me come over and doesnt want me to leave? why does he tell me he still has feelings for me and cares about me?? i am making an appointment to go to counseling, i only get worse every day instead of better. this guy was EVERYTHING i ever looked for in a guy and i know theres no one else out there like him. i just know no matter who i find im not going to be as happy as i was with him becuase they will never have all the things i looked for like he did. im always going to be comparing them to him. he was exactly like this the first time we broke up 8 months ago and he still wanted me back. i guess thats why i just cant let go because i feel like he might want me back again like last time. i know i need to go to counseling or something because i cant keep going on everyday just wanting to die because i feel like no one will ever make me as happy as he made me and that after everything he said to me about how i was the perfect girl and i was everything he had ever looked for, now he must of changed his mind about that and im not good enough for him and he feels he can do better. i have a friend that dated a guy for awhile 3 years ago and she never got over him dumping her. shes had numerous relationships since then but none of them compared to her ex and she isnt even close to being over him and she is still in love with him. she just found out that hes engaged and she is devastated. they broke up 3 years ago! that is so long to keep wanting someone so badly and never being happy with anyone else. i really really dont want to end up like her

[StaceyMay]

Because he is stringing you along like a rag doll.

 

He wants his cake and eat it too and he knows that you are the perfect girl for that. You have proved that by constanlty attending to him everytime he comes to you with those pathetic "I miss you's".

 

You got to realize sweetie guys of his type will take advantage of you if you will allow them to. Sad but true.

 

I wish you the best....you deserve it!

[kellbell]

Missme,

 

" "hanging out with you makes me remember the good things." and "i dont know if we should hang out anymore because you just want to be friends and everytime i see you my feelings come back." "

 

Please, please do not go by what he SAYS, go by what he DOES. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder.

 

 

"but the second time i asked him he said i dont know."

 

He said this because he gutless, he'd rather string you along then tell you the truth. In a twisted way, he is "afraid" of hurting you.

 

"and why does he still let me come over and doesnt want me to leave?"

 

Oh, hon, please do not read too much into this one, although it is hard not to. I had an ex play this card on me as well. He wanted a piece...any kind of piece he could get (my ex that is). I suspect your ex is doing the same. He is pushing the envelope to see how much he can get out of you. You are letting him by going over there.

 

"why does he tell me he still has feelings for me and cares about me?? "

 

Again, just words. They are so easy to say, doing something about it is another. And dating and meeting woman at bars and then telling you about it hardly shows any compassion about you or your feelings.

 

 

"i just know no matter who i find im not going to be as happy as i was with him becuase they will never have all the things i looked for like he did."

 

Friend, no one is responsible for your happiness. YOU ARE. You cannot burden others to do that for you. Perhaps this is why your friend hada hard time getting over her 3 year relationship, she looked to others (i.e. a man) to bring her happiness, to make her feel wanted and worthy. Happiness and security comes from within. Perhaps a counselor can help you do that. But I can guarentee once you cut this guy out of your life once and for all, you will feel 100 times better, you just not have not given yourself that chance yet. Once you do that, he will not have the opportunity to dangle carrots in front of you. Because that is what he has been doing, and when people do that, he/she is not interested in getting back together.

 

I have been in your position before, I know how hard this is and how much this hurts. Really I do. But it is time to take a step back and realize the situation for what it truly is. Stop chasing what COULD HAVE been and realize what is. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there chica.

[kekep]

well said kellbell...a relationship should add to your life, not BE your life.

 

sorry for your loss anyway, missme...i know it hurts like hell. we're here for you though.

[missmebaby]

thanks everyone. i just read a conversation i had with his ex girlfriend he dated right before he met me. he cheated on me with her after we were together for 6 months and i confronted her about it through AIM. i saved the conversation and i just now read it. when they were together he treated her the EXACT same way he treated me. she described him and all the bad things about their relationship and how he treated her badly and i was amazed at how right on she was and how i could relate. i guess i just thought i was different because he told me he was going to marry me and he used to sing to me and other things that he never did with her. he told me he loved me more than he ever loved anyone. so i thought he cared about me more than her but i guess not. i thought i could be the one to change him. when him and her first broke up and he and I started dating she called and texted him everyday and just would not leave us alone. he told me how much he hated her and had no feelings for her and wanted nothing to do with her. he made fun of her for things and called her a crazy * * * * *. but he still talked to her sometimes.

 

sometimes when she would call and i wasnt around he would answer the phone and he said that he still wanted to be friends with her. sometimes he would even call her. this whole time though he would tell me how he couldnt stand her but thought maybe they could be friends since they were together for a year. he swore up and down i had nothing to worry about with her because he would never ever get back with her. well for awhile they stopped talking because things were going great with us and he was an amazing boyfriend. although she still continued to call or text him every day he would ignore her. then we started to fight alot and he turned 21 and just wanted to go out with his friends and drink. so we broke up because im not 21 so i wasnt old enough to go out with them and he felt like i was holding him back and we were fighting too much. we were actually just on a break and he said he still wanted us to remain exclusive but just spend some time apart. well 2 weeks later he suddenly wanted me back. he said he thought about me all the time and missed me. then i found out that he slept with his ex gf a few days before he asked me to get back togther. the same one that wouldnt leave us alone and who he said he hated. he had also begged her before to come over and he called her like every night. he said it was the biggest mistake ever and he didnt care about her at all but only did it because "he knew he could get it from her." he begged me to take him back and he apologized a million times. so im stupid and took him back. well he didnt talk to her at all for 4 or 5 months and things went better than ever with me and him. he was a better boyfriend than he had ever been. then he started changing again and we got into fights like everyday and he broke up wtih me this current time. 3 weeks later we tried to make it work again and i found out he was talking to his ex again and they had hung out once but did not do anything sexually. i was so hurt and angry because he had told me he hated her and wanted nothing to do with her. he begged me not to be mad and swore he only wanted me and he wanted nothing to do with her. he just thought they could be friends because she seemed different now and nicer and he just wanted to be friends with her. he swore he would never talk to her again. so we went back to talking and hanging out again but he changed his mind every other day and this leads up to now.

 

i guess im just wondering if he was never really over her and i was just a rebound?? why would be go back to contacting her as soon as me and him break up? hes done this both times we've been broken up. in some ways he has treated me the same as he treated her when they broke up. like by saying he still wants to be friends and stuff like that and he always answers my calls. but he also called her more when they broke up than he calls me. it could of been because at the time he lived 2 hours away and never had anything to do and was lonely and unhappy living there. i guess i am just having issues with competing with her or something. he has always said that i am so much better than her and he has said so many bad things about her but he still continues to talk to her and invites her to hang out whenever we break up. what does it all mean?

[missmebaby]

ok ok ive done it. ive finally accepted its over. FINALLY. i give up, im done. its the hardest thing ive ever done and i feel like theres no end to the pain but i know i have to do it. hes not coming back. like an idiot i called him tonight. i asked him if i was a rebound. he said NO WAY you were never a rebound dont ever think that. he said he never ever wanted his ex girlfriend back and he never will. that made me feel so much better. but then i realized if he thinks that about her he will think that about me too. he said he has a date with a 28 year old tonight. (hes almost 22.) i couldnt believe it. he said she has a great job, shes really cool and nice, she likes sports, and she likes getting dirty going riding and stuff. she sounds exactly like me. i told him that and he just said yea. i feel like the 6 and half year age difference is a big deal. i know its been done before but what does a 28 year old want with a 22 year old guy? thats like me and a 13 year old. well anyways ive accepted its over, i can tell he doesnt want anything to do with me and ive only given him an ego boost by chasing him. i really really wish i could make him realize im the prize instead of him but i guess its too late now. i have to go pick up my stuff next week sometime and im going to look as good as i can. im coloring and highlighting my hair in a way ive always wanted to do and he always said would look hott, im going to wear sexy clothes, and do my makeup. im going to smile and act happy. that part of my life is over and we will never do all the things together that we used to do and loved doing. i guess maybe thats the hardest part. knowing we will never have sex, never kiss, never do anything together again. but ive accepted it and im gonna try not to think about it. i guess i need to focus on all the bad things about him and all the times he treated me badly because there were alot.

[kellbell]

Hey there missme,

 

"im coloring and highlighting my hair in a way ive always wanted to do and he always said would look hott, im going to wear sexy clothes, and do my makeup."

 

I would not do that if I were you although I can understand why you would want to. Why go through all the trouble? I would go with a friend and get your stuff and get the heck out of there. You don't want to leave him with any chance to strike up conversation nor any incentive. Plus, if he gets all worked up about how hot you look, then he is pretty superficial. Plus, he may realize off the bat what you are up to and not be amused at all.

 

I am glad you are realizing you are better off without him. You will feel better. This will take some time.

 

(((hugs)))

[missmebaby]

a couple nights ago the ex was supposed to be at the bar with his new 28 year old girl that hes been talking to but he text me saying "where u at?" i didnt respond for about 15 minutes and then i just said "at the bar." he didnt say anything back. the next day which was thanksgiving i called him to wish him a happy thanksgiving and find out why he text me that last night. i asked him if he had fun last night and he said it was ok. then i said so how are things going with you and your new girl? and he just said pretty good. then he immediately started asking me what i did last night and if i did anything with any guys. i said no but he just said yea right tell me the truth. and i said what does it matter? and he said so you did do something with someone? just tell me the truth. but i kept saying no i didnt. then he said he doesnt want to talk to me anymore if im doing stuff with other guys. so i said, you dont want to talk to me anymore? and he said no, not if you're doing stuff with other guys. so i just said ok thats fine. and he siad just call me when you wanna come get your stuff. and i said ok bye and hung up.

 

i dont understand this. he hasnt acted like this in awhile, like asking me if ive done anything with anyone else and acting jealous. anytime i ask him about his life he says what does it matter? but this time he was doing the same thing and he wouldnt stop. i would like to think that he still thinks about me and wonders what im doing. he told me a few nights ago that the only reason he broke up with me is because we fight way too much. but i dont get it because we've always gotten through the fighting before and he told me that if he was with anyone else he would have never put up with the fighting this long, but it was just something about me that he still stayed. so did he finally have enough and just snapped? i mean what is it about fighting that makes you not want to be with someone? does it make them unattractive? does it make them seem annoying? or is there other issues other than the fighting and he just wont tell me? and why is he asking me a million questions about me being with other people and acting jealous?

[kellbell]

Hey there missme,

 

The best way to avoid such conversations is to not talk to him. That way, there would be no confusion. Just because he calls or texts you, does not mean you have to respond or text back.

 

You have every right to move on with your life and it is really none of his business what you are doing and the same goes for you, it is not really your concern what he doing and whom he is with.

 

I would just go get your things and be done with him once and for all.

[need2bme]

I couldn't let go either. For years, I have let relationships define me. They do not define me. I define me. I don't care if it takes until the twilight years of my life, I am going to find me and get along with me, without a relationship.

 

Life shouldn't be so damn hard.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

look, this sounds like a lot of torture to me... you are idolizing him, but he is saying stuff like you can't talk to him if you're with another guy, while at the same time HE is dating someone else??? he really sounds like the kind of person who wants a lot of girls fussing over him, while he is totally in control of the situation and doing anything he pleases.

 

you need to stop and LOOK at what is really going on, not focus on some fantasy of how great this relationship MIGHT be... it just isn't, and he is jerking you around.

 

You're posts are all about twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to please him and get him back and do what he wants, and he is just loving being the center of attention but not having to actually commit to anyone or even be nice!

 

so please go into NC with this guy and give your head a chance to stop spinning so fast you can't see what is really going on with him. he doesn't sound that nice or that perfect or that *anything* but selfish. this is not the guy you are fantasizing about... that's your HOPE of who he will be, not the situation as it really is...

 

please give yourself a break and move on... quit trying to figure out the chaos, chaos is what it is, constant upheaval that makes no real sense!

[missmebaby]

yes you are all right. i just cant believe how horrible he has treated me and he always turns it around to look like my fault. he ignored me the whole night and i say something to him about it....he tells me i just get mad too easily and i crave all the attention. he never calls me when he says hes going to....he says once again i get mad too easily and he was just busy. i drive 25 mins to come see him for a few hours.....so as soon as i get there he wants to play video games by himself or take a nap. i get kind of upset about it but once again he blows it off like its nothing and i just get mad too easily. we go on a break but he wants us to remain exclusive.....he sleeps with his ex gf but blows it off like its nothing because "we werent together." so he always makes me feel like it is my fault and he convinces me to blame myself. those are things that any normal girl would be mad about wouldnt it? so i guess im trying to focus on those things about him. i just remember how great he was because at one point he was a really great boyfriend. but he has also been a really horrible boyfriend and i think that must be who he really is.

 

well me and him planned for me to come over on monday to pick up my things from his house. he told me to call him on monday before i come over. im thinking im just going to not call him and dont go over there. if he calls me to find out why i havent called to come over im not answering it and im not calling back. he can wonder what happened to me. maybe in a few weeks or something i will contact him to pick it up.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

"well me and him planned for me to come over on monday to pick up my things from his house. he told me to call him on monday before i come over. im thinking im just going to not call him and dont go over there. if he calls me to find out why i havent called to come over im not answering it and im not calling back. he can wonder what happened to me. maybe in a few weeks or something i will contact him to pick it up."

 

This to me is playing games and trying to get attention. I am not saying he is accurate in his accusations of you craving all the attention but to me, by doing this, it is game playing and attention seeking. This will solidify his accusations he made about you and just yesterday, you stressed over your ex not seeing you as crazy and leaving on good terms. Doing what you are planning to do on Monday is going to leave things on a sour note.

 

Just bring a friend with you on Monday. Call him in advace and just go get your things. Actually, are these things you can live without? Like if it is just clothes and toilietries, I would just forget about them. I would call and let him know you decided not to get your things, they are not important, IF you choose to go that route. Either way, you need to call him and get this matter settled once and for all.

 

Bottom line missme, he is treating you like this because you are LETTING him do so. Something to think about. Hang in there.

 

(((hugs)))