I feel like a tempest in a teapot

[Roasted Carrots]

Oh goodness, where to start. I apoligize in advance for the long post, but I would greatly appreciate any advice.

 

I have been suffering from bouts of depression ever since the 8th grade (I am now 18, a senior in high school). It's very seasonal, with the depression starting to set in about October (depending on when it starts to get cold around here) and typically lasts all the way until spring. It can get very, very bad, and I've lost count of how many times I've attempted or seriously contemplated suicide. Nothing really triggers the depression except the season, and my genetics. Both my parents have been diagnosed with depression, but only my mom is still on medication for it (Prozac and Welbutrin).

 

Sometime when I started high school, I started cutting. The actual cuts were not that serious and I do not have any scars from it, but it was a very scary time period for me. My current boyfriend finally managed to talk some sense into me and thanks to him, I no longer cut and I no longer have any of my blades. I have been going out with my savior for a little over a year and a half (which in high school, practically translates to being married with children). I am very grateful to have him by my side.

 

I also suffer from very severe migraines (headaches) and I used to have PMS symptoms that were really painful. The migraines are also genetic, with practically everyone on both sides of my family suffering from them. I've had the migraines ever since the 4th grade and have been on such a wide cocktail of drugs I do not bother to remember the names anymore. At the moment, one of my main migraine preventative drugs is called Keppra, and by all accounts that drug makes you moody. I take a vitamin to help counteract the moodiness, but what I really want is to come off the Keppra completely. It took about two years of battling my doctors to get them to allow me to come off the Keppra, but my migraines only worsened. So I'm still on it, waiting for the day I can get rid of the drug. Since the migraines get worse around my period, I am on a low-dose birth control pill and basically do not have periods during the school year. It helps, and is probably the only drug I have ever taken that I trust.

 

Between all the migraines, PMS symptoms, and depression, I end up missing a LOT of school. I posted a threat about this my sophomore year.

You can read the post if you want, but to basically sum it up I had missed so much school that I wanted to drop out completely. Thanks to some good people on this forum, I did not drop out of school, but I have been struggling ever since.

 

This has caused an ugly cycle of anxiety in addition to everything else. I don't fake my migraines, they are real. What happens is, I get a migraine for the usual reasons (or, occasionally, I miss one of my birth control pills and am experiencing PMS) and I miss a day or two of school. And I have missed so much school, and been embarrassed in front of so many teachers and students that used to respect me, and have had so much make-up work that just missing a day of school due to a migraine sends me into an anxiety attack. They are really quite spectacular. I scream, I cry, I overdose, and tell my parents that's it, I'm quitting school. I have had meetings with half the school's administrative staff, and it's no secret to the school where I've been. And yet, somehow, each time, I swallow my pride, make deadlines with teachers, and am behind all of my peers for that trimester. The new trimester starts up, I tell myself that I will have a perfect attendance record, and yet my migraines do not yield. I get sick with a migraine, or the flu, (or anything really, I'm so stressed that my immune system is nonexistent) I miss school, and I freak out.

 

Now, I know what you're all going to say the solution to my problem is. Take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication, get some therapy, and live your life. And let me preface this by saying I have an extreme distrust of all medications and doctors.

 

Doctors have lied to me ever since the 4th grade. I realize I am lumping all doctors into one category, but this is from my deranged point of view. They have always half-listened to my symptoms, decided I was lying when I told them my frequency or level of pain with migraines, and sent me home with yet another pill. At one point, i was one 20 different pills and vitamines DAILY. I have been hospitalized with migraines that simply did not relent for weeks, and the hospital staff tells me I'm lying because "anyone with that bad of a migraine would not be able to function, and you would have come in sooner". It never occurs to them that maybe I have a high pain tolerance, or that maybe I'm NOT functioning, which is why I'm in the HOSPITAL.

 

Alas, that is not my worst doctor experience. I was hospitalized for about a week in the mental ward of the local hospital. Basically, my parents freaked, and locked me up. I was completely mute that entire week. You can go ahead and tell me it was a stupid thing to do, and maybe it was, but that is what happened. When I get upset, I go completely mute. This has happened ever since I was little, where as a two-year-old, instead of screaming and throwing a tantrum, I would lie on the floor (it didn't matter where we were, mall, grandma's house, anywhere) and stay there, completely silent.

 

So, I'm in the hospital, and I refuse to speak to any of the staff. I spoke to some of the other patients and really connected with some of them, but that is not the point. That week pretty much cemented my distrust in doctors. On more than one occasion, food was withheld unless I spoke to the person handing out the meals. I simply went hungry. After the second day of not eating, they threatened to put an IV in me. Somehow they figured out that the reason I wasn't eating was because I was not being fed, and that problem sort of solved itself. On another occasion, a staff member took my glasses and refused to give them back unless I spoke. It took a phone call from my parents to get my glasses back. The hospital staff had permission from my parents to put me on an antidepressant on two conditions: 1. it was necessary and 2. they had my permission. So do they ask me my permission? No. They slipped an antidepressant into my usual cocktail of drugs which I stupidly swallowed. When I found out that they had given my a drug against my will, I freaked. It took another call from my parents to the hospital staff to spell out that it was NOT acceptable. The hospital's response? That is was *my* fault I took the anti-depressant, because I should have recognized that there was one more pill than usual. And maybe they were right. It was stupid of me to trust that the medication they gave me was the medication I knew about. Stupid me.I refused to take my medication unless I was there to witness the transaction from bottle to me, a request they honored for about a day. Eventually, my parents took me out, not because they thought I was better, but because I was getting worse under the hospital's "care".

 

I have tried several different therapists, and I cannot get past the initial "who are you?" session before I go completely mute. I don't know why I cannot talk to therapists, when I have no trouble confiding in my friends and my boyfriend, but I simply cannot talk to them. I don't know if I don't trust them, or if I'm afraid any information will simply go straight to my parents, or what. I practically need therapy just to get started on therapy.

 

So, yesterday I missed school. I had a migraine all day Sunday and it bled over into Monday. It wasn't until after I get to the doctor's office that I realize the appointment had been set up to discuss depression, not my migraine. I feel trapped and tricked. The doctor asks why I am so opposed to taking an anti-depressant, and I tell her the truth. I have been doing research on it, and I do not like the side affects, the horror stories, everything about it. I do not like medication in general, and I especially do not want a mind-altering drug like Keppra. For the record, I gathered my research from three places: my friends who had personally been on the drug, past posts here on enotalone, and researching the internet for the actual drug side effects.

 

Some of my friends who had been on the drug admit that it has "helped", but they said they'd really rather not be on it. My best friend said that while she was on the drug, she was not able to cry. Period. Another friend told me that her drug had helped her, but she was not able to come off it. Here on enotalone I have seen posts that could go either way. The technical side effects really scare me. Weight gain, sexual side effects, and did I mention "headache" seems to be a big one?

 

I admit to my doctor that while I had considered going on the medication, I was no longer open to the idea because of my research. My mother (who was at the appointment) interjected that one of my friends had been on an antidepressant. My doctor, based on that information alone, told me, (and I quote) "It sounds to me as if this friend is not a very happy person, and she does not want you to be happy either." What on earth? I was angry that my doctor was summing my best friend up in one sentence that was NOT her at all. I told her I was not going to take an anti-depressant. The doctor said I was being "manipulative", and said she was not going to excuse me from school unless I agreed to take her little drug. And she says I'm being manipulative! (At this point in the year, I have had so many absenses that every absense from now on needs to be excused by a doctor). She wrote out a prescription for Prozac, and gave it to my mother so she could probably slip it into my food.

 

And so here I am. I still have my migraine, I'm still depressed and anxious. I want to know what you all think of my situation, but please be kind. I know I haven't made the brightest choices up to this point. Please do not tell me to "suck it up" or to just take the medication or to just go to therapy. I really do not know what to do with myself. I'm open to taking natural supplements and things like that.

 

 

Thanks for reading my post all the way down to here. I really appreciate any advice you can give me.

[blueangel]

I used to get migraines too all the time when I was little. They would make me sick and in agony. Then, i went to a chiropractor and that all changed. He told me that when I had been pulled out as a baby, I was pulled in a way that my neck became completely straight. (it happens commonly especially years ago) That's like... a banana being straightened, except it's your bones. The nerves of my body were always iritated and that irritation affected mainly my brain because some shocks travel soley to there and no where else in body.

 

My dad used to play barbies in front of me to make me laugh and distract myself from the migraine. Guess what- really laughing got rid of my migraine in a matter of SECONDS and helped more than pills ever did. Also, some foods out there work to prevent migraines the more you eat them over time. There are also foods out there to help strengthen your immunity. I'd look into that if I were you.

 

Speaking of pills, I too was manipulated by doctors. They also half listened to my symptons and immediately made assumptions in a moment, rather than giving any sort of real evaluation of my brain and the chemical balances of it (a test which IS available though it costs) I was put on wellbutrin which is a pill supposed to make you more focused on more "uppidy" emotions- in my case, this uppidy feeling was anxiety which led to panic attacks as my dosage was increased by doctors.

 

Knowledge is power, my dear. Learn as much as you can through the tools around you (like internet or any type of research) and diagnose YOURSELF first before you visit a doctor again. Let them confirm what you need, not completely introduce it. (I mean, you SHOULD be able agree with them. You're the one experiencing your symptons and side effects so YOU have valid input. If there's conflict, that doctor is not reading into your situation carefully enough. Some have been in the field for so long or have had their minds filled with SO much info that their decisions are made soley on what they've been told rather than their own discoveries. A problem in our society and medical field! Or some have simply stopped trying because they think they know all the answers and thereforeeee pass by what works for YOU and your unique situation... ever notice doctors never see your case as unique but one they've heard before so they just know the answer right away? That is a problem!)

 

Keep trusting your intuition.

 

If you want natural supplements, I'd say start by exploring that before you get into anything extremely manmade like antidepressents. I found that antidepressents never helped my moods- only changed the time periods I had them around (like a switch or an alteration), but vitamins made a difference. Women's One A Day vitamin has actually made a difference for me. Running in the morning does too. Fruits and vegies and silk soy milk also has made an impact on my moods and the way I feel about myself. Really gift giving during Christmas (from the heart) fulfills my soul and that feeling lasts long after I hand my niece a meaningful gift because I know I can make an impact, like by specifically giving a song list I put together of healing and intimate songs for her (my neice) as well as the little Christian book called, "You Are Special" about Wemmicks (wooden people that are supposed to represent humans). Giving advice on here does something also. Anything that warms the soul heals it. And like I said above, laughter- real laughter heals pain extremely fast.

[Roasted Carrots]

Thank you, blueangel, for listening and responding to my post.

 

I have actually gone to a chiropractor. They did all the x-rays and other tests to see if I had a bone problem that was causing all those migraines. They didn't see anything wrong, but I ended up doing a few sessions of bone-cracking to see if it would help anyway. Although I personally enjoyed the sessions and thought quite highly of the doctor, they didn't improve my migraines and after that, the insurance didn't cover them.

 

Laughter and being around my friends does improve my migraines tremendously. My boyfriend has commented numerous times that I never seem to get the headaches when I'm happy, surrounded by friends, and just generally having a good time. He insists that it's my home and family atmosphere that triggers them. I try to keep funny movies on hand and things like that, but nothing can quite subsitute your friends when you're home sick.

 

I'm sorry that you too were manipulated by doctors, but I'm actually quite relieved that someone else has that problem. I was really afraid that someone would say the opposite.

 

I did not know that there was an actual test out there to test your chemical imbalances. Thank you for that information.

 

I have been conducting my own research on the internet and I'm afraid I'm turning a little bit into a hypochondriac. While I was in the hospital they could not decide on a diagnosis, ranging from "Anorexic" to "Catatonic Schizophrenia" to "Generalized Anxiety Disorder". My mother insists that I am depressed, anxious, and bi-polar. My father has decided nothing is wrong with me. I have looked up all of these, and none of them are quite me.

 

I will take your suggestion and diagnose myself before allowing myself to be seen by any doctor. I don't know if she would listen, but it's worth a shot.

 

Thank you very much for you support. I really appreciate your response.

[blueangel]

Hey, at least be thankful that you have friends, RoastedCarrot. I'm still working on that.

 

It seems like you know what to do, you just were unsure of what actions to take because you are facing a lot alone. But you're not alone. Not here and I know you see that.

 

The answer is somewhere. Maybe these doctors are not as professional as you might think. I'd say to really diagnose yourself, keep a journel or log of what things happens and when they really occur (like you said- when you are alone you feel more physical pain than with friends. It could be a reflection of emotional pain... or something deeper.) When you see a pattern, I mean really recorded pattern, you will have more to back up what you say and more to guide you where to go to for answers.

[Roasted Carrots]

Thanks for showing me that I am not alone.

 

I never thought about keeping any sort of diary before. That is a really good suggestion.

 

I found a website that offers healthy alternatives.

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I'm actually already on the B6. I'd have to look these up more in depth. Just because something is "natural" doesn't mean it won't interact with medication you already have. But as you mentioned, it's better to try something natural than something man-made. Although I may look into trying the One-A-Day Womans tablet.

 

In truth, I really should be exercising more. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm a little too lazy to get up in the mornings and run, so I think I'll start out with taking my little dog for nice, long walks.

 

Thanks again for all of your help.

[blueangel]

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Anything good for your health always helps in some way. Try improving your overall health and your body becomes more able to handle and quickly eliminate stress and states of pain. Good luck.

[Roasted Carrots]

Haha we actually have that brand of soymilk (my brother is lactose-intolerant). I only drink the chocolate kind, though.

[blueangel]

Haha we actually have that brand of soymilk (my brother is lactose-intolerant). I only drink the chocolate kind, though.

 

Chocolate- me too.

 

also, here is a random thing: link removed

 

gtg now.