Online dating

[Batya33]

Hmm. I wanted to meet the man asap because all I was committing to was a one hour cup of coffee or a quick lunch. I do not want a free date - indeed, I always offered to pay although if it were for a plain cup of coffee I would hope that the guy would offer. I definitely was against the long fancy dinners that some men wanted - I did not want all that $ spent on me by a stranger or to have to commit to a long evening.

 

The more we talked on the phone, the more expectations were raised and I knew for me I needed to be in his presense to see if we clicked in person - looks was a very minor factor - so much can be hidden or unclear (not intentionally!) through typing and talking. I spoke with one guy over a few weeks several times - great conversations - was psyched to meet him. when we met he had terrible posture - slouched when he walked, slouched over the table, barely had anything to say. had several similar experiences that confirmed that the quick in person meeting was the way to go where you could spend more time hanging out if it went well.

 

One other factor I often found it hard to discern on the phone or email was whether the man was effeminate- those qualities often required seeing him in person. Effeminate men are a turn off to me for dating.

 

As far as IMing - that was an even less effective way to get to know someone because I found that peoples' IM personalities could be very different from in person personalities.

 

If a person insisted on IMing, emailing and talking over a period of time usually I would wonder about why as in - is he really interested in meeting or just in a penpal - and since I have limited free time I would focus on the men who seemed sincerely interested in meeting in person. Some men definitely just wanted to chat/cyber sex maybe because they likely had a girlfriend - that was the impression I got.

 

In one real life date I would learn enough to know if I was interested in a real date (as opposed to the first meeting for coffee). In contrast, weeks of iming/chatting/phone convos would tell me nothing as to whether I would be interested in even one date.

 

Just my experience, and those of many of my friends.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes, my experiences have actually been exactly the same as yours. And the part about not being able to tell if they are effeminite through typing or (sometimes) over the phone, is also sooo true. I've gone to meet two guys I can think of that were both far to effeminite for me, and I could tell that with in 5-10 minutes, and I was glad I hadn't wasted a lot of time typing or talking.

[annie24]

hm. my problem has never been effeminate men. I have talked to many men online and on the phone and we got along well, but there was just no chemistry at all in person.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

hm. my problem has never been effeminate men. I have talked to many men online and on the phone and we got along well, but there was just no chemistry at all in person.

 

Then you're lucky. It's not the most common problem, but it is a problem, unless effemite men don't bother you, in which case I won't put up a fight for them!

[Massari]

Most men I know are flattered at being asked out. Most of those same men - if not all - choose to be in long term relationships with the women they ask out.

 

When I did on line dating I often suggested a meeting as in "ok, I have to go now, but if you'd ever like to meet in person I'd be iinterested in doing so." to me those first meetings weren't "dates" because neither of us had met in person of course or knew much about each other. However, once we met I always waited for the man to ask for the first real date. The men I have asked out have been those I first knew in person. It never worked out - either we went out and there was lukewarm interest or the man said no.

 

well this is what happened to me!!! the girl my first gf ever. kinda initiated something so I would ask her out. so I did.. after a month a half she dumped me.. cause I was too nice!!

 

so yeah.. online dating works.. but don't get too attatched to them until you really know the person,,,our fire burnt so quickly.

 

for the posters questions

 

I asked her out and her MSN in the 3rd message

then we talked on MSN for 4 hours.. then I went out with my buddies . came home and talked to her more. this time on the phone and then battery died so continued the rest on MSN.!!! we went on a date the day after that. conversation was very good non stop and I think that was the key here.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

well this is what happened to me!!! the girl my first gf ever. kinda initiated something so I would ask her out. so I did.. after a month a half she dumped me.. cause I was too nice!!

 

Just so you know "You're too nice" is a very very common *excuse* that women use when they want out of a relationship. That excuse doesn't necessarily have any basis in the truth, it's just a way for us to get out, without having to have a nasty confrontation with the guy. It's like a sugar-coated, softened blow.

[Massari]

Just so you know "You're too nice" is a very very common *excuse* that women use when they want out of a relationship. That excuse doesn't necessarily have any basis in the truth, it's just a way for us to get out, without having to have a nasty confrontation with the guy. It's like a sugar-coated, softened blow.

 

well actually I should chage that statement!!! I wasn't anything but nice to this woman!! I did so much for her.. spent over

$400 CND ( still alot!!) basically I rushed into things and she said she needed space and her friends,,, I know I came out clingly and obsessive kinda.

 

non the less she regrets her decision now but now I am with another woman so yeah I'm over her

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

well actually I should chage that statement!!! I wasn't anything but nice to this woman!! I did so much for her.. spent over

$400 CND ( still alot!!) basically I rushed into things and she said she needed space and her friends,,, I know I came out clingly and obsessive kinda.

 

non the less she regrets her decision now but now I am with another woman so yeah I'm over her

 

Yeah, I mean to say I don't doubt that you were nice, just know that being nice is very rarely ever the *real* reason a girl would break up with a guy. The real reasons could be anything from she's not that attracted to him, he's not very nice, he's too stingy, who knows? Could be anything, but...we'll still tell you that "You're a really nice guy, but...." See what I mean. We just prefer to let men down easily and not stir up conflict if we can avoid it so we don't end up enemies with you.

[Cardinal]

I appreciate your input. That explains a lot to me definitely with regard to why I keep getting the 'few emails, number and lets meet' scenario. Now I understand it better. I guess I just haven't dated any oddballs yet. Or any super masculine women with a voice deeper than mine.

 

I think I'll start liking coffee at a shop thats about a 10 minute drive from my apartment. =D

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I think I'll start liking coffee at a shop thats about a 10 minute drive from my apartment. =D

 

Depending on where she lives, of course...

[Massari]

I appreciate your input. That explains a lot to me definitely with regard to why I keep getting the 'few emails, number and lets meet' scenario. Now I understand it better.

 

I think I'll start liking coffee at a shop thats about a 10 minute drive from my apartment. =D

 

btw do no give up.. did I mention that my ratio of getting emails back was 1/10 emails sent? maybe because that wasn't a pay site and every weirdo was ther!!!

[Cardinal]

1/10 is pretty good actually. My ratio varies considerably. Sometimes I am 0/10. Sometimes 4/4. Craiglist has given my highest ratio by far! Okcupid is probably my worst.

[Cardinal]

Just so you know "You're too nice" is a very very common *excuse* that women use when they want out of a relationship. That excuse doesn't necessarily have any basis in the truth, it's just a way for us to get out, without having to have a nasty confrontation with the guy. It's like a sugar-coated, softened blow.

 

Yep. Goes right along with the old text messages saying. You know what, I had a great time on our date. But I have been thinking, we would be better off as friends.

 

I have only gotten that line once recently. But after I get that I don't even pretend. I wish her the best of luck with her search and I make no further contact. No way in heck she is interested in friendship. Just an easy way to let a guy down. But I must say it is a far better way than simply not returning phone calls (that happened to me a couple of times in real life).

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes after just one date I've been known to say something like "You seem really nice but I don't think were a match/ I don't want to ruin our friendship/ blahblah"....of course I just want him to go away, but I don't want to hurt his feelings in the process...At least the guy (should) knows that you're not interested and he is free to pursue other women who might be more interested in him. If a girl ever says that don't take it personally, she may not think you're a bad guy at all, but it does mean she's not interested.

[Batya33]

well this is what happened to me!!! the girl my first gf ever. kinda initiated something so I would ask her out. so I did.. after a month a half she dumped me.. cause I was too nice!!

 

so yeah.. online dating works.. but don't get too attatched to them until you really know the person,,,our fire burnt so quickly.

 

for the posters questions

 

I asked her out and her MSN in the 3rd message

then we talked on MSN for 4 hours.. then I went out with my buddies . came home and talked to her more. this time on the phone and then battery died so continued the rest on MSN.!!! we went on a date the day after that. conversation was very good non stop and I think that was the key here.

 

your statement about not getting too attached to me has nothing to do with on line dating in particular - that's with all dating - better to get to know the person at a reasonable pace over a period of time.

[Batya33]

well actually I should chage that statement!!! I wasn't anything but nice to this woman!! I did so much for her.. spent over

$400 CND ( still alot!!) basically I rushed into things and she said she needed space and her friends,,, I know I came out clingly and obsessive kinda.

 

non the less she regrets her decision now but now I am with another woman so yeah I'm over her

 

For me, someone who spent a lot of money on me and rushed into things would not necesarily be "nice" to me - sometimes I find those kind of people overhwelming and controlling - I have asked men not to spend a lot of money on me or do things for me before we are a couple (and even when we are a couple, I don't expect grand gestures/expensive outings on any regular basis - special occasions are fine and vice versa!) - and those men who have ignored my wish to get to know them slowly and have showered me with gifts right off the bat often have not been "nice" - they simply didn't listen to who I was about and were self-interested, thinking that if they showered me with gifts I would approve. It had the opposite impact on me - I was creeped out.

 

I am sure you had good intentions but being "nice" to someone doesn't have much to do with spending money - it has to do with being a good listener and reacting as you perceive she would be comfortable with. You don't need to shower someone with gifts or do things for them when you first meet them in order to get them to like or approve of you or to think they're nice. If for example she says she is having a hard day, a quick phone call to 'check in" and say "Hi, I hope things have calmed down for you" means so much more and is far more memorable than hundreds of dollars on dinners and drinks. At least to me.

[Batya33]

Then you're lucky. It's not the most common problem, but it is a problem, unless effemite men don't bother you, in which case I won't put up a fight for them!

 

However, I got a great recommendation for moisturizer from one of them so it wasn't a total loss, lol.

[Massari]

I didn't necessarily bought her gifts and stuff.. mostly when we went to movies, coffee and stuff I paid. and not to mention Gas money.. she lived a little far though she had a car I always prefere to pick her up.. and I really don't understand what happened. she was soo into me in the beginning saying how I was the best guy she has ever met and I changed her view of men (she avoided men simply cause they cheated on her and all)

[Batya33]

Yes - you need to take what is said in the beginning with a grain of salt and understand that people get caught up and get very intense. After the first few months when the dust settles a bit, the head over heels fades a bit, then you can see over time whether the actions match the words. Many relationships start out intensely and then burn out very quickly. Dating requires a thick skin. also I would see as a huge red flag her comments about her past relationships. My guess is she liked the thrill of being with the bad boys and didn't quite know what to do with a well-intentioned man like yourself.

[need2bme]

I tried online dating, but didn't really start anything that would work out. It is hard to get your personality over in an email.

[need2bme]

so yeah.. online dating works.. but don't get too attatched to them until you really know the person,,,our fire burnt so quickly.

 

That can happen in regular dating, as well. In fact, it has JUST happened to me. She was coming so fast, so at first I was standoffish. She was coming fast and hard. I was a little scared.

 

I then gave in, so then I guess I was coming at it hard. So, a couple of days ago, she starts mentioning a lot of things she finds wrong with us or me. Then, she tells me we need a break. No more emails, no texts.

 

I understand and she is doing the right thing.

 

My only point is, to be careful.

[Batya33]

It is almost impossible to give a true sense of your personality to a stranger by typing. That is why I suggest having a brief phone call, deciding if this is a person you could hold a conversation with for 45 minutes over coffee and then make a plan to meet in person asap.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

It is almost impossible to give a true sense of your personality to a stranger by typing. That is why I suggest having a brief phone call, deciding if this is a person you could hold a conversation with for 45 minutes over coffee and then make a plan to meet in person asap.

 

Yeah that's true, I've had guys overreact to very innocent and simple little jokes I've made to try to lighten things up (nothing sexual or risky or off-color in any way!). But, I figure if they're that uptight, and cant understand a joke and write me off that quick, then they really don't deserve me anyway. No big loss.

[corvidae]

How dare you! I'm very offended.

 

Anyway, the problem with internet dating sites is that the men out number the women by quite a bit, and also women tend to get a lot of messages everyday, whereas the men get none or very few. In other words, it has the exact same problems as non-internet dating.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

How dare you! I'm very offended.

 

 

But it was just a joooke! Really!!