Does she still want her ex?

[Dr. Phil]

How do you know? Is it something that you should worry about? What if kids are involved and she has to see him to exchange the kids?

 

My situation is complicated and I normally could figure it all out on my own but I find myself being overcome with sadness and unsureness. So here I am for some advice from the people that trust even more than my family since the people here have 'real world' experience and thats what I need to hear.

 

Ok here goes. I met this girl about 6 months ago and things moved very fast. Although our situations were complicated we found that they were very similar in a lot of ways. She had two kids with a guy and still lived with him although they had not been going out for over a year. They were together for the better intrest of the children (so they thought). I was living my my ex as well and we had a one year old of our own. Yeah I know, weird.

 

I was living with my ex because of a lease agreement that had to be fulfilled. She was living with hers because of financial issues and unsureness of what to do. Her ex was very abusive and beat on her a lot and generally was just a jerk. However he was a good dad and she thought she could change him and hoped he would change. Well she was with him for 5 years and when she met me she somehow got the courage to leave him and get a restraining order on him. He left and the restraining order is set for a year. The only time they can have contact is when it has to do with the kids or dropping them off and picking them up.

 

Ok I know I am leaving a lot out there but thats the basic summary of it. Our relationship is great, we both love each other a lot and I get a long great with her kids and we are great together. I love her more than I have ever loved anybody and would do anything for her. She takes good care of me emotially and physically. So whats the problem?

 

I have found myself thinking lately that she is just wasting time until she can see that he has changed so she can take him back and they can be a family again. She really gives me no reason to think this other than the fact that he still has things in her garage and his mail still goes to her house. There are still a lot of things that need to be taken care of that she fails to do. I try to give her credit for what she has already done since I know it wasn't easy but I feel that she is still holding on for some reason. We talked about this and it just made me feel worse.

 

She basically told me that she can't give me the guarantee that she won't go back to him becaues she can't predit the future. I told her that I know for a fact that I won't leave her for my ex. But she can't say the same. Why? She grew up without her real father so she is very concerned with her kids not having the same. I feel he pulls that card a lot and eventually he might convince her to come back.

 

So am I staying around and wasting my time? Am I worried about nothing?

 

Thanks

[heloladies21]

She basically told me that she can't give me the guarantee that she won't go back to him becaues she can't predit the future.

Big red flag. This is a clear signal that she is not 100% committed to you and you should be prepared to get dumped in the future if you stick it out because she will go back to her ex or find some other guy who she can be 100% serious about. Best answer you could've given would have been something like "well you don't sound serious about this relationship and i only want someone who's 100% committed to making this work with no reservations, and if you're not that person, then we're both wasting our time here." And then be prepared to break up with her on the spot. This isn't the time to be understanding or compassionate or any of that. She's questioning your integrity as a man and testing how much you care about her to some degree and this needs to be responded with force otherwise you send her the message that you're not the one for her.

 

I told her that I know for a fact that I won't leave her for my ex. But she can't say the same. Why? She grew up without her real father so she is very concerned with her kids not having the same. I feel he pulls that card a lot and eventually he might convince her to come back.

This isn't about him, this is about spouting off some BS excuse that you need to call out asap. It has nothing to with her kids needing a father, this has everything to do with her doubting the relationship between the two of you.

[Dr. Phil]

Trust me I thought about telling her exactly what you just suggested but for some reason I didn't. We have had this conversation before about this as well when we first met. I asked her if she could ever go back to him and she said "People change. If he changed she wouldn't rule it out, but she doesn't think he ever could". It seems like she sticks up for him and somehow feels bad for him. She thinks that the ways he acts is totally not his fault, she blames his parents for making him violent. While I know that has something to do with it I don't take it totally as an excuse to hit your girlfriend and throw her around.

 

She knows that I am sadened by this and that its in the back of my mind. She tells me that she only wants to be with me and would be sad if I was gone and that she doesn't want to be with her ex.

 

I just don't know what to think. I have became close to her kids, and overall we have a good relationship but I don't want to waste my time if she is just going to ditch out after awhile.

[chai714]

Guy,

 

As long as you're both living with your respective exes, this is not even an issue. I would consider your relationship with her VOID, as in does not exist. Don't rationalize this situation - it doesn't matter if her ex clubs her with a baseball bat on a daily basis - she wants to stay with him and live with him and IS living with him. What more is there to examine here? Look no further than her living situation. She can come up with the best reason in the world why she's living with her ex, but none would be good enough.

 

The same goes with you. I guarantee any sane person would be deterred by discovering you're still living with your ex. If you want to even begin to think about a future with any person other than the one you're LIVING with, you're gonna need to move out. If you want to have a normal dating life get out, as in move out and away from your ex first.

[Dr. Phil]

I know that I have given 110% to this relationship and if I walked away I would be ok knowing that. However I know that I would wonder if I was wrong and accusing her of something that wasn't true. I just want to be sure.

 

I am totally in her life and am close to her family and aside from him its a very normal relationship. We all do things as a family and spend every spare second together. She doesn't ever take off without me or hides or lies about things. I just want to be sure this is my own insecurities about this coming out.

 

Because in the past I have no been a insecure person, normally I would be the one to say "screw this, I am not doing this anymore" but I really care a lot about her and we have really became close.

 

Whats the next step?

[heloladies21]

but I don't want to waste my time if she is just going to ditch out after awhile.

All signs point to this happening. It's up to you to stick up for yourself and what's right for you.

[Dr. Phil]

No no no. Neither one of us lives with our ex's and have not since we first met. We met and about two weeks later I moved out of my place and she kicked him out and has a restraining order on him. I thought I put that in my first post. I basically live with her, I have my own apartment but we spend most of our time together.

 

He lives with his buddy and the only time they see each other is when she brings and picks up their kids.

 

Does that change anything?

[heloladies21]

Whats the next step?

Bring this up in conversation and tell her this is bothering you and be very blunt and honest with her about how you feel about it. And if she doesn't change her tune, be prepared to dump her.

[Dr. Phil]

Also she talks to him in front of me and doesn't hide the fact that she is with me to him. He doesn't like it and freaked out once because she drove my car to pick up her kids. So I don't think she is going behind my back or anything, just not sure that she will not want him back in the future.

[Dako]

I can see how folks might be confused by your situation, since it's not simple, but one thing stands out. She's not committed to you if she "can't predict the future." How can you count on a person with that outlook?

 

If she wanted stability for herself and the kids, she'd have a plan.

I think she does, but you might not be in it.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah I agree that if she was totally committed that she could safely say that she would not leave me for him in the future. Of course nobody knows if we will get along forever but I would rather it end because of us not gettting along and needing to go our separate ways other than her wanting the father of her kids back.

[heloladies21]

Also she talks to him in front of me and doesn't hide the fact that she is with me to him. He doesn't like it and freaked out once because she drove my car to pick up her kids. So I don't think she is going behind my back or anything, just not sure that she will not want him back in the future.

Not saying that you should try and be like some psycho abuser, but he clearly cares about her and shows it. Getting jealous is one of the things that shows someone that you care about them, and everytime she tests him, he passes. That's one of the reasons he's still on her mind.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah well I know she isn't going to change her mind even if I give her an ultimatum, so I might as well just break up with her.

 

The concensus I am getting here is that she is not committed if she can't give me a guarantee that she will not go back to her ex.

 

This sucks.