Have I Ruined My Chances Forever...or is this just a first year college phase...?

[dreamer888]

Sorry in advance that this is so long:

 

Well,...my boyfriend and I broke up about 10 months ago...

We broke up for a month or two the month before i went to college because he was acting a lot different and doing lots of stuff i didn't approve...well, after i went to college we got back together...but things were rocky. Although he begged for me back before this and acted SO into me nad like i was THE one for him, he started acting really lonely around me and sad when we were together and so we started fighting more and more and i eventually broke up with him and started going out more and met someone new and, i guess due to the whole "rebound" thing, i thought i liked this new guy a lot more than i actually did. Well, turns out, I still wanted to call him all the time and when summer came we hung out allll the time, BUT this entire time from when i broke up until now even he has just been so hurtful and told me he hasn't cried once about the break up...not even when it first happened, and got over me within about the first 2 weeks or so. We were together for 2 years and 3 months and he gave me a promise ring about 8 months before we broke up this second time.

Well, since i realized i wanted him back i have done exactly waht i SHOULD NOT have done and been very very clingy and tried to prove to him that i have changed, because i HAVE and there WERE a lot of areas i needed to improve. He just acts so mean to me when he is around his other friends and never answers ANY calls when he is with them and will NEVER call me back...

BUT when he is with me and me only he is so loveable and kisses me and makes me feel like he really cares.

Well, today i found out he is crushing on this other girl, but when i aksed him recently about some stuff he told me lies to EVERY question...some people say it is because he WANTS to keep me around...but i find that hard to believe becasue he REALLY acts like he wants me out of his life...and if it is not ME keeping contact between us...then he would NEVER call and he HAS not initiated a call in a very long time.

I ask him all the time if we will ever be together and he always says "NO!" Then i ask him, "EVER, will we EVER be together, EVER again?!" And he will say not that i am thnking about and not any time soon at all.

This is his first year of college and i am wondering if this is a college phase. I am a sophomore in college, and KIND OF went through this but was NEVER EVER EVER this mean to him and realized VERY soon that iwas in love with him still and that i REALLY still needed him.

He has really made me feel that EVERYTHING that went wrong in the relationship was my fault.

I know this boy is not good for me. He lies to me continuously, he sleeps with me and then leaves immediately, he tells me he loves me and still wants to be best friends but he never ever tries to communicate with me, i give him stuf ALL the time and try to show my deepest love and feelings and when i talk to him and spill out all my heart his ONLY response EVERRR is "ok" after i have just spilled my heart to him...i mean he just acts like he HATES me.

People tell me he is just trying to break away...people say give it time and he will come back because everyone around me sees how crazy i am about this boy and they know how deep i TRULY love him, HE knows i love him but i don't think he will accept the extent to how deep that love is, he knows i would take a bullet for him any day but he still treats me like crap.

I just really really love him and that is what is making it so hard for me to break away, but it is like he just stopped loving me that day we broke up.

I just want to know....is there EVER a chance again since i have been so clingy?

Has ANYONE out there had ANYthing like this happen to where one person said that they were pretty positive that they NEVER wanted to be with that person again because "sometimes you just don't want ot be with the same person", (this was his first relationship, also and we both lost our virginity to each other), has ANYONE had any college experience like this where one person thinks EVERYTHING is greener on the other side and then eventually comes back to that one person that they thoguht that they'd never go back to...

Has ANYONE felt like they had really lost someone FOREVER and then they come back to them or they date a few people and have thier "college" fun and then they end back up together.

I really really want ot be with this boy again...because he is really the absolute SWEETEST guy i have met...except for how he has been since he went to college...and i want to do what is right. I have tried NC and i just CAN'T do it. He was my BEST FRIEND and NOTHING seems complete without him.

i love him more than he truly knows. i just know it. But he acts like he could live perfectly happy if he never talked to me or ESPECIALLY saw me again.

I just want to be able to love him and be best friends, but it is hard when he acts like you are worthless and like he doesn't really care a bit if yall are friends or not.

I just need major help. I really need to know answers to questions. He won't give me the time of day ever. he just yells at me and hangs up on me and picks up and hangs up on me and he knows it hurts me but does it anyway.

 

will we ever, ever have a chance again? And if so...how should i go about it to increase my chances. Is this guy even worth it? He is just so beautiful to me and he really really has no idea how he has changed my life in so many ways. I really feel like this guy is the one...i know i'm young...but nothing has felt the same with anyone before him or after him.

 

I just would really appreciate any answers you guys out there might have. I am struggling so bad right now and have no where to turn. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated because i feel like my whole world, which was him, has turned its back on me and is just crumbling right before my eyes.

[arrrrffff]

Hun (k, that just seems weird coming from a guy, lol, but I miss her saying that to me),

 

There ARE people that are going through what you are going through. There ARE couples that have gotten back together, and NOT gotten back together. The possibilites are ENDLESS. So if you dwell on all the 'IF's', 'what-IF's', 'I should have done this/ that', 'if only...', etc... your hurting phase will never pass. Sometimes you have to let go because you cannot possibly change their mind because THEY ALREADY made up their mind.

 

Think about him for a minute. Everyone probably around him knows that he has broken up, and probaby why. If he were to take you back now, it would be appear foolish on his.part around his family/ friends . You have to let go, and give yourself TIME to heal. It may seem impossible, but time will heal you.

 

He most likely doesn't hate you. You had 2 + years of memories, and that simply does not pass. He does think of you, and has no forgotten you. He will NEVER forget you. It seems like he seems to 'hate' you, but that is not true. He's trying to have some space, and he knows that if you keep contacting him like this it will only hurt you even more. He's actually caring about you. He may not love you, but he does care for you.

 

 

I know how much pain you are having right now. Everything you do to get him back seems fruitless. Please know that begging, pleading, and the like will only drive him away because that doesn't show him you are not CLINGY/ NEEDY anymore. I also know it seems like doing this NC thing and not trying to get him back, seems like you are not trying and giving your all to get him back, but believe me, giving him time and space to MISS YOU tells him your are no longer clingy anymore. Further, use this time to work on yourself. Don't change who you are, but improve on your qualities. Work hard at work or school (as hard as it is), learn new hobbies, meet new people (I don;t mean dating asap, but meet new friends, spend time with family).

 

If he really does love you he will come back to you. You did NOTHING wrong, girl. He let YOU go. The next move is his. Give him time. You may very well meet each other again, but when he sees you you will be successful, happy, and a better more confident person. And he will be attracted to that.

 

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My gf broke up with me 4 weeks ago after a 3+ yr relationship. She was my everything. I'm giving you all this advice, but yea, I've broken everyone of them. I was clingy and needy too, and started being pessimistic when my mom was close to dying and finally passed away. I KNOW she sees all the good times we had together, but she also went into university, and started the party scene and meeting new friends. Will it wear out? Will she see that the grass isn't greener and all I did was treat her like a princess? I'd love to say yes, but I also know I cannot read the future, so if I dwell on all these questions, I will destroy myself and I will hurt for eternity. Right now I am trying my darn hardest to focus my energy on school, and trasfer into university. I will make friends, and be skilled at things I do. I will be passionate, and humble. It's so easy to say, but doing it is hard. I know I will. I hold on to a small hope she will see the person she always loved, but I am keeping my options open.

 

Don't think of him as your everything. I know I did that and now I lost... everything. Always put yourself first. If your not happy and successful, the people around you won't either.

 

You said you were crumbling. So am I. I am 3 weeks behind school and finals are in 1.5 weeks. I am an amotional wreck. When I go public, it's like I wear this happy 'I am so OK' mask. I torture myself by looking at photos her friends take of her now which are like bullets peircing my body as they show how happy she is without me, I've put a hold in all my volunteering work, I've cried so much i can't anymore, I'm daydreaming and dreaming of her all day, and I wake up clinging onto the blanket she gave me, I just spent $400 on clothes today which i don't even need, all I talk is about HER around my family and friends, of ALL the people I've talked to whether it is my bosses, friends, family, counsellors, co-workers, classmates, EVERYONE has different advice which just onfused the heck out of me but I learned to integrate it all and formulate my own advice, and frankly seeking help sometimes brings things that you DON'T WANT to hear etc...

 

A MESS. I'm with you. I'm sorry for rambling on and on, but just know that were all here for you. You WILL get through this.

[dreamer888]

arrrrffff...that sounds exactly like my situation. I talk to him about everyone and people are getting tired of hearing it...but i feel the need to talk about it to get it all out. I call my mom even and talk to her about it. I must say it has brought us closer together, and i think she is now finally seeing why i used to be so "upset" at him a lot and she would blame ME for everything when i tried to explain endlessly that i was the only one working for anything in the relationship, yet he claimed to love me and want me so bad. I called him last night and he was really rude and barely gave me the time of day to talk...sometime i don't really have anything to say much...well i do, but when i hear his voice i just can't be mean enough to get out what my true feelings are...i just want to love him. And then, he chews me out for wanting to just try to say what i want and yells over me and then immediately hangs up. I called back again..a few times, which i know is bad and it does piss him off, but i just really needed to talk to him...and he answered and yelled " * * * * off!!" at me. I just can't believe that.. coming from THIS guy. He used to treat me so wonderfully and NEVER cussed at me or yelled hardly EVER.

THere is this new girl he likes now and although he tries to tell me he doesn't think he likes her like that...i know he does. You can't "think" you don't like someone..and his reason for it is because he doesn't want a relationship...well feelings are feelings and if he likes her, he DOES regardless if he WANTS a relationship. He told me a while back (before i knew he liked her) that she and he went to breakfast every morning together and stuff and i started wondering then and asked him if he liked her. Of course he told me "no." I just feel like when i start NC that is when i will really lose him.

 

Arrrfff, if you don't mind me asking, what year is your g/f at university? Because he is a freshman and lives in a co-ed dorm. I know that whole experience has just changed him...and in a bad way. It really hurts too that i SINCERELY tell him that he has changed for the worse and let him know i tell him this only because he told me that also once and it made me realize i HAD changed for the worse. Of course he blows it off and plays "mr. cool" and acts like "HA! Only to YOU!" He just doesn't know how hurtful he is.

 

I do believe though, what comes around goes around...in no way do i EVER, EVER want this boy to be hurt...but i WOULD like him to experience TRUE, EMOTIONAL pain, equivalent to what he is putting ME through, then MAYBE, just MAYBE...he WILL realize EVERYTHING that i put up for for almost a YEAR and stuck by his side just to be with him again. Then maybe he'll realize i'm faithful.

 

I really have tried to be a good girl for him. He won't accept me though.

 

What makes me think he never thinks about me, though, is that i NATURALLY compare EVERYTHING to this boy...every other guy..becaue he WAS my first love and i love him so much. But with him, he told me that he doesn't compare ANY girl to me and that i don't matter to him in that way anymore so "why would i compare other girls to you?!" What he doesn't get is that it is not about ME being the center of attention...it's about the fact that i don't feel like he misses me at ALL. And like all the AWESOME memories we had didn't me a damn thing to him. Like ANY other girl could EASILY replace me and what we shared.

 

I feel like i'll never move on because i natually compare him to everyone else. He is just so beautiful to me...inside AND out...and i DO know all of his flaws, and i still love that boy more than life itself.

 

Also, i don't think that he GETS that EVERY single relationship has thier problems usually starting after about a year of dating...or a lot eariler. Ours just got a lot worse since we literally spent EVERY day together and hung out with ONLY each other usually...but what he doesn't get is that a LOT of tht would change since we are in college. I just want my companion back and i want somone to love...but i want them to love me back and he doesn't love me back. I know this but im just a stupid girl that is in love with a dumb boy who only wants to hurt me in order to show his "coolness"...

 

Maybe he will learn one day. I sure hope so.

 

And Arrrffff, same for your ex. Maybe one day she WILL realize what she lost. Maybe after they get all of this freedom out of their system then maybe they will want somone to really love them. It's scary though, i know, because you constantly wonder..."what if they find someone else to settle down with and THAT person becomes that last person they are with for a LONg time?" I constantly wonder if my ex will settle with another girl, and being the laid-back, not-ever-wanting-to-confront-problems-or-bring-them-to-the-surface type of guy then he MIGHT just be with this next girl for a LONG time and never give me that chance that i think i deserve.

 

I am also going through torture and people tell me that i am putting myself through it by contacting him and that he doesn't care how he makes me feel at all. THat is true, i know. He doesn't care one bit. He is a completely differnt guy. What he doesn't know though, is that he really has someone that loves him to no end, unconditionally, FOREVER.

But he takes that for granted because no longer and i "good enough" for him because i'm not like all those other girls at his new school...

 

maybe one day he'll grow up and learn life is not all about games and skipping class to stay up late and do stupid * * * *...and one day he WILL want ot settle down with someone that REALLY loves him...and then, maybe he'll realize the fights that he and i had we're any worse than some of the others he has coming with others and he might regret for trying to make me feel so worthless and like he doesn't care if i live or die.

 

i guess we'll see in time.