out of sight out of mind???

[audrey]

i think i should take serious that phrase but sadly sometimes i dont. well, my problem is that it just has to be something that maybe is so insignificant but it can make me feel insecure.

 

many times my mom tells me that i dont have to be afraid as far my bf keeps calling me everyday, cause it means he's interested in me and if he would be cheating on me, he'd just say his exuses and to not call me.

 

i dont know if i should feel better for this, but i think im so distrustful, i used to say i dont even trust my own shadow for that i think that b'cause my dad cheated on my mom that left something in me. i dont know, but i'm so afraid that if i continue like that, i'll just spoil everything.

 

many times i promese to myself i'll just spend my LDR with my bf till i find out he's cheating on me. but sometimes it's hard to do

 

please i need some help[-o

[Blue Dreamer]

Many people act they way they do based on experiences right in front of them instead of what they truly believe. As the time increases where the experiences are out of eye sight, it can easily fall out of mind sight. The learned subconscious experience may result in "because they will never see it is ok to forget and maybe even disrespect." They'll never know, right?. Yea that was random.

 

Its always good to be aware of what going on in the external environment, but if you believe you are as distrustful as you describe, you must must start with your internal self. Lack of self trust will naturally result in lack of trusting others.

 

Your fathers actions were/are likely a big impact on your perceptions, but that does not define the kinda life experiences you will be exposed to unless you allow and put yourself in those environments. I no nothing about your boyfriend so I believe you must not make those kinds of assumptions about your boyfriend. But if you are are seeing continous signs of him disrespecting you, you must take action and let him go. Cheaters tend to be what they are, cheaters. Its tough to live by the LDR concept. A true LDR appears to be the essense of trust.

 

Either way, you seem in a position of daily struggle with yourself. I think you need to begin with eliminating your own demons which will build your own understanding and ultimately your own self worth and trust. Not simple, I know, but worth doing. Good Luck.

[amtjrtcet]

Audrey: I completely understand your insecurities and worries about infidelity. I too have a hard time getting past my past and giving my current b/f the benefit of the doubt. He has done nothing dishonest or given me any reason not to trust him, but I constantly find myself "wondering".

 

I dated a guy that I became VERY attached to VERY fast. We'd been friends for yrs but when we took it to the relationship level I fell head over heels. We were a few months into it, things were great then one day-he never called me again. Talk about crushed. It took me a long time to move on.

Now I worry that my b/f will do the same thing. Just stop loving me, stop calling.

 

I wish I knew what we could do to overcome these fears & learn to take things for what they are. Good luck honey!

[audrey]

thanks for your advise, i'd like to think as you do shiznit you know is funny how guys don't make it a big issue but girls, we always seem to be the scared ones to be cheated by boys.( not in general, but more common)

 

many times i laugh at myself, cause who started with jelausy was my bf. at that field i was so confident and maybe some carefree. i remenber he was so jealous cause he found me many times using msm for hours everyday or using skype, etc. when i knew what was bothering him and why was that, i just wanted to make him feel comfortable so i quieted doing all that.

 

now he seems so fresh and not jealous anymore( at least not as then) but now it's me the jealous one

i was thinking about this all day, and i dont want to bitter my days with this. i decided to get a "cold head" and to b easy. i mean, if he's cheating, it cheers me up that always truth comes out and lies die. i know sounds a little negative but i need to be some drastic for a while.

 

i'll just enjoy what i have and the day i'll be betrayed i'll just leave.

 

am i right to think this way?

please i need some opinions

[JimmerJammer]

Please allow me to offer my opinion on the matter. I can understand your concern and the cause for it as I'd like to know who DOESN'T have these problems at one point in their life. Sure its easy for some and not so much for others, but that's irrelevant. Anyways, what makes trust so devastating is that you allow yourself to believe that the person you're with won't "betray" you with the part of you that feels secure with them. Maybe its in the way that you trust them to be honest, loyal, respectful, etc. Then when they don't follow through on that belief, it conflicts and causes that gut-wrenching feeling known as pain.

 

There are so many what-ifs and what could happens, that we lose sight of the original point of HAVING a relationship and allow the fear to take over us. Its almost a miracle that relationships happen as well as they do at all, but that's to be admired and embraced instead of ridiculed and avoided.

 

There's so much more I can get into to describe it in much finer detail, but for the purposes of this post I'll keep it simple. I feel that its dependent upon the actual individual, in this case you, to be able to trust the other person because you're in control of it. Having a fear of an outcome is one thing, but fearing it itself is what causes all the problems. See if you fear that this guy may cheat on you, it helps to become aware of what that means to you. Does this mean that you'd feel betrayed, crushed and closed up? Does it mean that he'd be the biggest jerkface on the planet and you'd never wanna deal with him again? Would you want to know why he did it or kick him to the curb for doing such a selfish, unthoughtful act of being unfaithful? or maybe you'd feel fine for the mean time until the thought pops up in your head again and the distrust starts all over again. It helps to know how this would affect you and what you can do about it (to be prepared).

 

So what do you do? How do you trust someone when the air of cheating is always there? It goes part and part with openly trusting and taking the chance and another part of being prepared in case it DOES happen that way. So in other words, in order to have a fulfilling, open relationship it DOES require that you open yourself up and take the chance that he could cheat on you anyways but still do it regardless. Why? Because otherwise it comes out in your behaviour, in your tone, in your response to him. If you don't trust his integrity, it'll make it very hard to have a trusting, open relationship.This obviously will make it very hard to have a working relationship, so leave it up to what you can control and are responsible for, then know yourself and your limits and how you can love openly always knowing that yes at any moment he could cheat on you or leave you.

 

This is way more easily said than done as it requires an awful lot of strength from the person to be able to open themselves to that type of risk and still be strong enough to fully embrace it. It doesn't mean one has to close up and not trust their partner or constantly be going through periods of feeling secure, to questioning them. If you've heard of the expression that trust is something that is earned and not given, ya I'd say that its true to some extent but I do feel that trust has to be given first and only then will a persons true colours show (thus how it is fully earned). However this is only when the person is strong enough to handle the outcome SHOULD someone ever break that trust and do something as awful as being unfaithful.

 

Hope this helps.