The First Fight!

[A James Z]

I just want to get other people's opinion on this situation. My girl and I have been dating about 2.5 months and even just 2 nights ago we had a relationship talk -- where we told each other how much we like one another and that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, etc… This week she is on her period. This morning she woke up early because she has some family coming over for lunch. We are cuddling and just lying there, when she starts moving under the covers.

 

She is rubbing me and then starts going down on me. She does this for about 30-45 minutes and I almost climax several times. I keep trying to direct her, but she isn't going fast enough and eventually gets tired and stops. After a short break I tell her to continue and she basically tells me in a around about way that she is done and needs to get ready for her folks to come over. After and little more conversation I tell her that now I am upset and I get up to leave.

 

We talk a little more before I go, and I say its stupid to have a argument over sex, but you cannot do something like that to a guy. After a short while I tried to talk to her again, sort of to apologize but also to let her know that if you build a guy up you have to finish it (I mean, this is like a form of torture if you don't.). I tell her that its not fair to do something like that, and I try to give her a little hug to show I am not completely pissed off. She tells me her family is coming over so she has to stop and get ready, plus she was getting tired and couldn't do it anymore. So now she is mad at me and doesn't really want to look at me. I leave.

 

So what should have been a nice little morning turns into a total disaster, with my first fight with someone I really like. I sent her a text saying that "I am sorry I got up set," but she hasn't responded. I mean, I get her point, I know where she is coming from and her folks are coming over, but do I have any grounds for being upset? This seems so stupid to me, but at the same time, once your girlfriend commits 40 minutes to a BJ, should she finish it? Is there no recourse for her saying, "well, I am a little tired so I am doing to stop now." I hope I didn't overreact, but at the time I was just frustrated and to be quite honest I was pissed she did something like that. Your thoughts?

[Daligal83]

I'm not a guy so I don't know how tortorous it is for you...but coming from a girl's perspective, 40 minutes for a blow job is a LONG time. She was more than a little tired...that can get painful after awhile. She obviously was committed to getting you off if she went at you for 40 minutes, but at some point she had to stop. I can see how you'd be frustrated, but it's not like she was teasing you on purpose.

[Scout]

Dude, she tried for about 45 minutes and like she said, she had to get ready for her family to come over. 45 minutes is a long time, she probably was starting to get lockjaw! Ouch.

 

I think you behaved immaturely about this, and a little unappreciatively, to boot. She took the initiative to please you and made a lengthy effort to do so.

 

Is it possible you felt self-conscious or angry with yourself for taking so long to have an orgasm, and then turned that anger around on her?

[turqoise]

My ex was upset for exactly the same thing, and now I understand why he was so upset! Is it really that bad if a guy can`t climax after that? I don`T know if it`s just me, but when I`m fooling around with someone, it doesn`t bother me if I don`T climax because it still felt good.

 

When my guy got upset like you did, I got annoyed that he was making a big deal about something that I wouldn`t have gotten grumpy about. So yeah, maybe it`s a difference between guys and girls that needs to talked through a bit?

[TxRedheadGuy]

Dude, no offense, but she was down on ya a long time, plus she had to get ready for a family event. Best course of action in that situation is to find a few private moments and finish off by hand.

[A James Z]

Thanks for the responses. I realize I really should not have gotten upset like I did. I mean, I was not yelling at her or anything, but I was obviously not pleased with the situation.

 

For the girls out there, it’s a pretty big deal if your guy wants to have sex, has an erection, and you don’t allow him to climax. I am sure you have heard of the term “blue balls”, and its an actual thing.

 

Once a past girlfriend and I were fooling around and she made me have an erection for about 30-40 minutes without any sex. My balls got so sensitive they were sore for the entire day and my stomach was really hurting too. It felt like I got kicked down there.

 

I know for girls it is much different, a lot of the girls I have been with never really needed to have an organism to enjoy sex, but it’s the complete opposite for a guy. If a guy is able to sustain an erection but is not allowed to orgasm he is going to be plenty upset, just so you know.

 

I have noticed lately I have a pretty short fuse. I have been drinking too much and the next few days afterward I get hungover and edgy, even depressed and anxious too. When she told me she was finished I didn’t think about her having to get ready for her folks, I just immediately got upset and said some things I now regret.

 

I plan to stop drinking, which will be hard because my girl likes to go out and dance, and dancing is not fun for me unless I drink. That is to say, if we are still together after this.

 

I tried to text her a few times, but she just responded with one text saying “We would talk later.” So, I am not sure if I totally messed it up or if everything is ok, she gave no indication how she feels right now.

 

Sometimes having a girlfriend is too much work. I make mistakes, I am not perfect, and sometimes I get upset or do something irrational. But for the most part I think I am a pretty normal person. We were doing great until then, when I just got pissed for the wrong reasons.

 

If anyone is reading this take from my situation that you need to be more understanding of guys and sex. Guys really look forward to sex, and once you start them up you cannot just leave them hanging. My girl was on her period, so I was not expecting anything. When she started going down on me I got worked up, I had not had sex in a while and I was ready for some. Then she just drops the ball and I was left there feeling sort of rejected, frustrated, and to be honest I was mad. Yeah, its stupid to get mad over something like sex, but I did, I could not help it, it just happened and I regret it. Damn…

[Daligal83]

The way you talk about it makes it seem like she did it on purpose. She wasn't going into it with the intention of leaving you hanging. She wanted you to climax, but probably thought that it would take less time. I seriously doubt she would have started if she didn't think she could finish you off. While I understand what you are saying about how it's different for a guy, look at her intentions. It's ok to be frustrated and mad at the situation, but not at her. I really don't think she did something wrong.

[Scout]

Good call on cutting out the drinking. The first fight I ever had with my boyfriend occurred the morning after we'd been out late the night before. I was hungover, and started feeling generally crabby. I picked a fight with him, too.

 

It sounds like you're recognizing you might be using alcohol as a way to deal with stress, unwind, etc. I learned all too well that it's better to deal with stress and anxiety in different ways. Walking, swimming, hiking, even cleaning my house...anything that quickly transforms the negative energy that starts to build up as we get stressed and irritable into a more positive channel.

 

I also see you wound up your last email with statements that still defend your unpleasant behavior to your girlfriend. As another poster pointed out, your girlfriend did not initiate sex with you to leave you frustrated. You also don't take note that two female posters on your thread, myself included, point out how painful on a female's facial and jaw muscles it can start to get after an extended period of, er, oral activity.

 

If you really regret your actions, you should fully acknowledge them and also, don't chalk them up to "I can't help it." Yes, you can! See again my above tips on transforming negative stress-related energy to get an idea on how you can better control acting on negative emotions. The idea is to not so much focus on changing how you feel (which is often impossible) as it is changing how you act on what you're feeling.

 

Here's a thread where myself and another poster give some detailed suggestions and feedback on this very issue: Hope it helps! I too used to struggle a great deal with controlling my actions that were based on anger, anxiety, etc. Of course, it's a lifetime journey, but definitely one where you can make immense progress.

[A James Z]

sorry if it seems like i am trying to place blame. she didnt do anything wrong. It was the situation more than anything else. But maybe I am being defensive because it seems like she isn't being all that understanding of the situation. She hasn't talked with me yet and I don't want to be the one to call, I want her to call me and talk about how she feels. She is letting me sweat this out or something, and it feels horrible.

 

I said I couldn't help what I did because its already done, and now there is nothing I can do about it. Sure, at the time I could have stopped myself, but like I said, I was feeling edgy and I got pushed over the edge. But its not even like I exploded, I just expressed my displeasure and thereforeeee she got upset. And yes, I know where her intentions were. But that's how I felt and all I did was expressed it.

 

I guess if your partner cant understand how you feel, even if your feeling are sometimes misplaced or irrational, then it probably wont work out. I am going to see what she says over the next few days. I am trying to do my part, apologize and make up for my mistake.

[Daligal83]

Hey, it seems like you care a lot about this girl and want it to work out. It's good that you've realized that it could have been handled differently and that it's the situation more than anything.

 

Just to help you figure out your girlfriend's reaction...when I was with my ex, he was very focused on sex. If he got upset about me not doing it when he wanted, it made me feel bad about myself. Like that was all I was worth to him. Like he didn't care about what was going on on my side of the story. I'm not saying this is definitely the case with your girlfriend because I obviously don't know her, but it's possible.

[Scout]

I guess if your partner cant understand how you feel, even if your feeling are sometimes misplaced or irrational, then it probably wont work out.

 

I used to subscribe to that theory, too. And it's one reason why none of my relationships ever worked out. One thing I've learned is, you can be a great partner most of the time, but your negative actions will still have an incredible impact, and pretty much erase all the good if you don't watch out. No one can ever get completely inside our head, and it's asking a lot - too much, in my opinion - to expect our partners to always be understanding of our feelings, especially when they are directed in a hostile way at them. People are naturally going to feel put on the defensive, at that point.

 

And I hate to break it to you, but despite what the flowery Hallmark cards say, human love simply isn't geared to be 100% non-conditional. Our partners love us when we make them feel good, and when we make them feel like crap, it's natural for them to start to question if we really love them.

 

Yes, we're going to have our less than ideal moments, but they need to be really few and far between. Life is too short to take our frustrations out on our partners, and if we perceive they are the source of our frustration, we still need to communicate respectfully and kindly with them as much as possible. It's the adult and mature thing to do. If you are having trouble getting there, again, I strongly recommend focusing on ways to better control your stress and irritability.

[turqoise]

Thanks for the info James. No I hadn`t heard of the term and I had no idea that it can even be painful! Is that really true?? When people said that guys had to climax, I thought it just meant that they had more sex drive...now I know for next time.

You seem like a nice guy; good luck with the alcohol thing and talking with your girlfriend.

[VarshaJI]

Ouch! U got a good girl. Sometimes u have to be a little more considerate when it comes to somebody u love. I will say she needs more than an apology. U have to to something much nicer than that. She was on her period... she can be a bit moody too.

Be good to her..