In shock

[stunned]

After almost 7 years, my gf absolutely shocked me by packing up and leaving this week without saying a word. We're older--she's got grown children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. On her last out-of-state visit to her grown children, her oldest daughter, who now has custody of her own pre-school aged grandchild, asked my gf to come back and stay with her and her husband to take care of that child. Rather than talk to me, my gf just packed up her vehicle in secret and left without any word. I was and still am in shock. I've gotten about 6 hours sleep in the past 3 days and have absolutely no appetite. It didn't help that driving conditions weren't good while the gf was on the road. Her grown children promised to call me and let me know once she arrived safely, but didn't so I spent 2 days in agony worrying that she might have had problems during her trip or worse. I only found out she had made it safely because I called one of her daughters who then told that her mother had arrived at the older sister's house the day before. After several phone calls, the gf reluctantly agreed to speak to me. She claims she may never have loved me and didn't want to talk about the specifics of why she decided to leave. (Funny, at the time she moved in with me, she was unemployed and still too young to draw her pension. At that time, she claimed, after dating for more than 6 months, that she loved me and wanted to live with me. I thought I knew her and that she was a kind, sincere, honest person.) I am so shocked and hurt. I'm trying not to be bitter because negative emotions won't help me heal. This first week is hell and I hope I can start to relax and not feel shell-shocked sometime in the next 30 days. It doesn't help that I'm retired and I cannot focus on something to take my mind off matters. I don't want to scare friends by seeming to obsessed with what has happened to me. Time can't pass soon enough. This is going to be an absolutely terrible holiday season. My birthday's in a week as well. This will be one year that I will want to forget.

[kryptik0]

This is the last thing that anyone wants when they are older. I am sorry to hear this. I wish I could offer you any advice but am too young to say much about that. Please feel better soon.

[agent1607307371]

Christ, that was cruel of her.

 

And her children actually.

 

I don't think your friends would think you are obsessing, it's only been a few days and was a terrific shock to your system. Don't be afraid to talk to them, or at the least get together and do things with them.

 

Do you have any children/other family yourself?

[flower99]

I am so sorry.

I'm not sure what words I have that could help, but I'd like to try. ((hugs)) Please know that this isn't your fault, she has issues. You did what you believed was true & right and that's wonderful, you're a good man. And I'm sorry she took you for granateed.

But remember every stuggle makes you strong, every heart ache developes your character. (James 1:2)

And just trust that this happened for a reason & good will come of it. There is a reason you aren't with her right now & it's a good one. We don't know what right now, but one day you will see.

Remind yourself, "she isn't the one, she doesn't love me the way I want to be love & never will. There is more out there, someone who will love me for me."

yeah it sounds cheezy, lol but it works, for me anyway, hopefully you too - your thoughts control your life, so make them good ones

I wish you a peace & happiness*

[Grokker]

Stunned, I'm so sorry for what happened to you, and I identify with it at least a little bit.

 

Something similar happened to me (though not anywhere near as drastically). My only serious relationship to date was with a woman much older than I... when we met, I was 26 and she was 43. We were deeply in love, and lived together six years.

 

Towards the end of that time, there had definitely been issues cropping up in our relationship, and I knew that things weren't as good as when we'd started out. We still loved each other, though, and I would have thought our relationship was strong enough that we'd weather the difficulties and carry on.

 

So it was quite a shock to me when she said, this May, that she'd be moving away to Oregon to be with her grown daughter (who was about to have her first baby), and had no definite plans to return.

 

A couple of things come to mind. One, being with an older woman who has children of her own requires you to recognize that her children will almost *always* come first in her life. It can never be the same as when you marry someone your own age or younger, and have children of your own with her. I realize there are exceptions... but the truth is, if my ex hadn't been a very devoted and caring mother to her children, I probably wouldn't have felt the way I did about the person she was. I fell in love with the whole package, and that was a part of her I knew about from the very beginning.

 

So it may be just that. Your ex felt the irrepressible need to put her daughter's needs before her own (and by extension, before the needs of your relationship with her). If her daughter had needs that your ex felt would demand her time indefinitely, she made her choice and that was that. There's nothing fair about it, to you and me... but it happens.

 

The other thing that occurred to me was when she told you over the phone that she may not love you any more, and may not have for a while. There are two possible explanations that I can think of, for this:

 

First, I don't know what your relationship was like, or whether you were both aware of changes in it. Peoples' feelings towards each other can change a lot over seven years. I realize that you didn't think anything was wrong enough for her to leave you... but could it just be that your ex is the type of person who is terrified of confrontation? That she had bottled up her misgivings for a long time, not wanting to confront you... and then she lit on her daughter's needs as an excuse to leave? Perhaps this is why she sneaked away without telling you, and only talked to you about her feelings after she was far away and on the phone?

 

Second, it could be that she had made the decision internally that she *must* be there for her daughter, no matter what, for however long it took. And, she realized that it might not be fair to make you wait around indefinitely, especially with you being older as you say. So, she figured the kindest thing to do was to end the relationship by forcing you to quell your feelings for her... telling you she no longer loved you may have been her way of doing this.

 

Anyway, even as a retired person there are a lot of things to focus on. I suggest you get out there and do them! Join a group that shares your hobbies and interests, I'm sure you can find a local one on the internet. Don't define your life around her absense, because she certainly didn't define hers around your presense.

 

And, do keep coming to ENotAlone. I've found it very therapeutic, not just to talk about my problems but to listen to the problems of others and try to help where I can.

 

Take care,

Grokker

[stunned]

I want to thank all of you who posted a reply for your moral support. Although I don't have children of my own or family close by (when I retired, I sold my house back east and relocated out west to be within a day and a half drive from my ex-gf's children) I am going to get more involved with local community groups. I already was doing volunteer work for one of the local not-for-profits and just joined another today. I had a very good day because I kept busy for a better part of the day with this new group. I actually felt like eating a bit since this happened and had lunch with them (I've been surviving on water, coffee and tea because I just had no appetite). I'll be busy again tomorrow helping them setup an event. I know there will be ups and downs but I will throw myself into things as much as I can to keep my mind off matters. I know in the long-run there was a reason for this and that we weren't meant to be permanently. I'm sure I'll have blue periods, but boy do I feel better having been out and about today, keeping busy. It also helped that we finally got some sunshine, even though it's cold (I'm in the Rockies). I will definitely make frequent visits to enotalone. It does help to read posts and/or reply, as well as read the articles. Thanks again, the moral support; it is greatly appreciated.