breaking up with integrity? help!

[staticcling]

i broke up with my b-friend last friday by moving out while he was at work and I left him a "dear john" note. He has a history of talking me into things/needing control (which is part of the reason i wanted out) and that's why i left a note. I was really unhappy but couldn't articulate what was wrong. I used his family and our situation (we were in an affair and both divorced to be w/each other) as excuses to run out of the relationship.

 

well, NC since Friday + therapy and reconnection with my friends has given me a little clarity. Basically, i realize i have lost who i am because i gave so much to the relationship and sacrificed my sense of self in a SICK way. During affair he requested that i not go out with any friends but just stay home alone for 2 years, text messaging him while he was with his wife and kid. My family lives out of state and he insisted I not visit them. As a result, i spent thanksgiving, christmas, easter completely alone and in front of my tv crying. I lost all friendships and was isolated from family. I have no support or real connection with anyone but him (systematic isolation???).

 

long story short, I now have clarity on why i needed to leave the relationship and know that I need to work on getting some sense of self back. I want to visit family and take some time to reconnect with a support system. I am not sure if he is willing to wait for me to do this, and I can't promise that I will want to be with him once I get "myself" back. I don't know if I can trust him with my heart again, we will see.

 

Since i left with a "dear john" i feel like i owe him the decency of having a face to face talk, to explain my feelings. I know there is a large chance that he won't understand, but I feel like i need to end this with more integrity than a note. Do you think this is appropriate?

[vandgsmom]

I think that you are very conflicted hon, and that doing NC right now for a little while may be the only way for you to see your way around this situation.

 

In the beginning of the post you sound clear. Like you have thought this thru and understand that you were being manipulated and that reestablishing a support system is key. (Those are all WONDERFUL ideas, btw)

--then you ponder on if he will be "willing to wait" for you to reestablish your life that he insisted you give up, and say you can't promise him you will want him back... what is that??

 

All of this just boils down to that you need to take some time to look inside yourself. Removing yourself from a troubled sitation was the first big step. Now you need to move forward, not backwards. If you feel as if you are too weak and he will talk you back into him or persuade you to do something you won't say no to, then stay away. He dosen't sound decent enough for much more than a Dear John, anyway.....

 

((HUGS))

[staticcling]

well, I actually feel totally clear that I need to be on my own for awhile. I have no hesitation about that. the only hesitation is that he is a psychologist and could talk Freud into taking off his clothes in the middle of a parade.

 

the only question for me is should this be an ambiguous "take space and see what happens" break up, or should it be a clean break. we worked really hard to get to this point and (sheepish*) I am afraid that I am walking away from something that could be good if I can get myself back.

 

am i just in denial? be brutally honest.

[staticcling]

Wow, NC huh? I totally thought people would say to face him with integrity. I think I am driven to do the face-to-face so I can express my newly-found discovery that I need to get myself back.

 

(as friends report) he is devestated and confused. on a day-to-day basis we have been doing well, no fighting and great love making. Its my lack of self that caused me to leave, although in the note i said it was because of something else.

 

I mentioned his power of persuasion, yes. but I can't see myself giving in this time. I just thought I should give him the chance to try and understand. If he does, great... we can break up peacefully. If he does not understand, I will know for sure that he was not the man for me.

 

what do y'all think? lemme no.

[staticcling]

my one friend (who knows both of us) says i should definitely do a face to face breakup. she says i owe him at least that much after he left his wife for me and i left my marriage for him.

[whoops]

okay - i understand what you are trying to do but for your sake i agree later on you can do the face to face thing but only when the calmness of what you have done is with you - if i were you i would organise to see him a couple of months down the line with this when you feel stronger - or a few weeks on it you cant feel totally guilty for everything when this was bound to happen.

[vandgsmom]

It is beginning to sound to me like you may have already decided that you are going to do a face to face.

 

What I am worried about is that this will turn into a sob session where he tells you all the things he is going to change for you to come back and you will cave when you are fighting so hard to "get yourself back" as you said.

 

...........................

 

Fixing a troubled relationship is always the best scenario, but really in your first post, I think you were more true to the situation that in these last posts where you seem to have taken a defensive posture about his wrongdoings.

 

Lord, if he is a psychologist, then you do have trust issues, don't you? You need to find a female counsellor removed from the sitation that can give you some perspective on how a genuine detached phsycologist works. If you HAVE to see him face to face, shoot him a text saying that you will meet him at so and so time on so and so date but make it one month from now so you will have time to get your head together.

 

PLEASE-- even if you decide to try and make this work again, take the time to understand all of the elements involved in your decision....

[Juliana]

People are very concerned with protecting themselves. You feel the morally right thing to do is to talk to him face to face, and if that's how you feel, you should do that. You have enough to feel guilty about already; if you're really going to change, start by doing what you think is morally right. Start off on the right foot. Putting someone else's needs first doesn't mean losing yourself if your reason for doing it is your own moral understanding -- it's still something you're doing for yourself.

[ImThatGirl]

my one friend (who knows both of us) says i should definitely do a face to face breakup. she says i owe him at least that much after he left his wife for me and i left my marriage for him.

 

You do not owe him anything.

 

From what I gather, this man found a very strong woman (you) and broke her down into a much less confident, much less well-rounded, much less independent, person. (you.)

 

If you have never explained your loss of yourself with him and really want to, then talk to him once more and let him know. Then give him space to see if he realizes.

 

By following his suggestions (staying home/losing all contact with friends and family,) you have shown him what to expect - that you will sit and wait for him and never have contact with friends and family.

 

Do you think he will accept you as you want to be? I mean having a life, enjoying friends and family, gaining back your strength and standing up to him?

 

I've been in and am kinda in a situation with someone that loved my strength in the beginning but seems to suck out every bit of that strength during the relationship. I am typically very independent and very friend and family oriented. However, when in these types of relationships, I've felt very detached and lonesome because I had trouble keeping my identity while with these controlling or semi controlling relationships.

[Siriana]

He deserves nothing from you.

Also he doesn't deserve you beeing with him again.

Also you are having illusions about such a psycho welcoming new you.

[staticcling]

so today i got the courage to set up a time to meet with my ex face to face so that i could feel like i was breaking up with some integrity. he is still so angry that he s refusing to see me. he says he doesn't want to meet just to hear me re-explain things unless it is to talk about how to get by them and be together. so i guess that is my answer.

 

i still feel like i need to tell him what is in my heart so i will probably write him a letter at the very least.

 

it is disappointing that he is not interested in listening to me explain that i have really lost myself and need to get that back in order to be a good partner. maybe i was expecting too much. after all, i left this relationship for this very reason: i just can't trust him to have my best interest, as he just demonstrated.