I survived infidelity, here's how...

[cyberex]

In February, 2003, I finally gave in to the suspicions I had about my wife cheating on me, and set her up to get caught. What I found was that my loving little wife of 4 years not only had been cheating on me, but with 3 different men at the same time, one of which was an 18 year old high school student (I am 32, she is 28 years old) !!!

 

Needless to say, I was completely devastated. In typical cheated-on fashion, I thought of many ways to "get even". Cheat myself, take the kids away from her, beat the hell out of her AND them, and the list goes on and on.

 

It took a few weeks before I could even face the world. Once I did I made the very bad decision of telling everyone that would listen to get everyone on "my side". Plainly I was still not on even emotional ground.

 

My roller coaster of emotions went on for another two months, where I swung from practically begging her to stay with me to being so pissed off I was scaring myself even.

 

Pain, agony, despair, that crushing "I am alone" feeling. Yeah, I felt them, same as you. Sometimes so bad I literally could not function.

 

First I read "After the Affair". Can't remember the name of the author but REALLY GOOD BOOK! Stop reading this, go to Barnes and Noble, and BUY THIS BOOK!!! Then come back and read this again.

 

Finally I decided that I really needed to get some help in the form of counseling. Having been the typical man all my life, where I didn't need help, was too stubborn to get it, never had time, etc, this was a very hard thing for me to do.

 

Once I finally did start going to counseling, I learned things about myself, my past, my family history, etc, that made it very clear that I was in fact a very difficult person to live with and be around. I can only imagine how hard it is to be married to me.

 

HOWEVER, A CHEATING SPOUSE IS __NOT__ YOUR FAULT.

 

Circle, underline, and highlight this 3 times, class.

 

Counseling made me reach inside myself and clean house. And I am oh so glad I did. I haven't been this relaxed in my entire life.

 

The bonus? My wife and I worked things out, and we are truly HAPPY.

 

I still have days where I am incredibly sad and I sometimes say things I don't really mean; what can I say, I am human, and I survived a very harsh period of time because of her actions. Luckily she went to counseling as well and learned that she is just going to have to accept these times, and after time it will all get better for the both of us.

 

The best advice I can give beyond counseling is remember that you truly are not alone, and there are reasons why this happened to you, and you had a role in this too. NEVER ever blame yourself, your spouse did this thing, NOT YOU! But if you truly want to stay, now would be a good time to find your role, learn, and make change. Some would say couple counseling would be the best way to go, but in my case individual counseling was much more effective. When we tried couples, all I could do was blame and yell and scream, and that got us nowhere. But, your mileage may vary.

 

Nobody ever said marriages (or relationships in general) are easy...but I think everyone can agree that it's worth it if you did it in the first place.

 

Infidelity is one of those weird "glad it happened even though it hurt like hell" scenarios. Think of it not as "that b*stard/b*tch cheated on me"...rather, think of it as a wake-up call, and now it's time to go to work.

 

Hope this helps...feel free to e-mail me if you want some help getting in the right direction.

 

Good Luck, and God Bless!

 

J. Cain Cross

email removed

[pimpcess]

That was a pleasure to read, well done in overcoming your problems, I like this quote-

 

''Everything you've gone through, and u haven't died,

Only makes u a better person, and so much stronger inside.''

 

Although it never seems like it at the time, we can overcome problems. Once again well done and good luck 4 the future.

[LuckyDuck]

cyberex

you are a very strong willed person. I don't how you have handled those thoughts that ran in your head that your wife being with another person(s) intimately. I admire your strength and courage very much. My girlfriend broke up with me to go back to her ex. they are slowly starting to get more comfortable with each other. I cannot get out of my head that eventually she willing sleeping with him again. Sometimes I can't sleep just thinking about them being close together and all the other thoughts starts rushing in. It becomes almost unbearable. During the day I can find things to do and it helps, but at night, it is a whole different story.

I just want to say that you have given some strenght to cope with the inevitable. what else can I do.

[WorkingThruIt]

I want to thank you for this post, I can not tell you how much this resembles my situation. My wife and I are working through almost identical circumstances, ( she had encounters with two men, not three, and strictly oral) but everything else is identical. I have been thinking about the book you mentioned, as well as some others, and I am glad to hear your recommendation. We are in a much better state as a couple, and I was especially pleased to see your near ending coment about how the affair is almost a good thing, I admited with a bitter tongue in therapy that the way things are working out for us, the infidelity is almost the best thing that could have happened.

 

I would like to chat sometime and keep in touch, my email is email removed if you so desire to just keep in touch for mutual support. (I made the same mistake too about telling too many people, and I have been reluctant to talk about it with anyone else, but you can understand and, well I am sure you know...)

 

Even if you do not wish to communicate further, thanks for the post and Good Luck!

[charmed]

Hi There Everyone,

 

It's great to see such positive attitudes here and I would like to add a point to the conversation. Infidelity is something that strikes at the core centre of a relationship. i am one of those people that believes that once a partner cheats in a relationship, they are open and more prone to do it again. The reasons for a partner can be immaterial - you may say that you are hard to live with, but that is no excuse for cheating. It's about respect for marraige I think, and you simply don't cheat in marraige the same as you do not murder in life - you just don't go there.

 

What worries me is how open you are to being cheated on again once you let the partner off with the first offence. The thing about cheating is that if you have never done it before, it's a very very big line to cross - but if it's alread happened any you got away with it (however that happens and whoever is to blame), then it is far easier to do it again.

 

Just be careful guys - this can be multiplied when your partner cheats with multiple people.

 

Hope this helps you some

 

~Charmed~

[cyberex]

charmed...I can certainly understand this statement, but in my situation I would have to disagree wholeheartedly. plus I would add to that by saying that is certianly not true in EVERY case.

 

without going into a long diatribe about the whys and whos to blames, etc...suffice it to say that I fully know I am not to blame (hence "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT" statements in my original post). however, since everyone knows relationships are a two way street I will add that it works going both uphill AND downhill.

 

while my wife was fully to blame for her own actions, I can certainly see now why she did what she did.

 

and I will say it again, THAT DOES NOT mean I agree, condone, or even DEFEND it. I just understand the why of it...which really when you boil it all down isn't that what we cheated-on people really want to know anyway?

 

Q: why me? why did this happen to ME?

 

A: I was a complete idiot that did not give anything emotionally or physically to the marriage or the kids. I was the money guy. (well this is the answer in my case at least).

 

does this mean it makes it easier to cheat? of course not. is it possible that they will cheat again? of course it is. there are many reasons why people cheat, just like there are many reasons why people take drugs, rob banks, or listen to polka music (ugh).

 

there is no way you can sandbag a cheating spouse with "you cheated on me once, you are going to do it every day you sick F***". not only does that not mend the circle of trust that is already broken (in my case in 10 different pieces), but you are basically creating a chasm in your relationship, and YOU are the only one to blame for that.

 

I said this before I will say it again now: if you want to stay, then STAY...but don't sabotage a potential mending simply by saying they will never change.

 

what's the point?

 

peace...

 

J. Cain Cross

email removed

[charmed]

Hey There !

 

I know where you are coming from - yet there are many people who can not take the accepting attitude you are taking to the situation. I aggree - that making a go for it is the way forward, but in saying that, to simply forget it happened would be a bit naieve and would also send a clear message of the rules of the game to the cheating partner !! I once had a friend who stole about £15000 cash from a hidden drawer in his parents house. The cash had been stashed as a tax aviodance, and when he was caught after nearly 2 years from beginning taking £20's to £100's to £150's nearly on a daily basis, his parents brought him up country to buy a load of new chloths for him and other such presents - about £500 worth. That acceptance didn't work - and subsequently he got pretty rowdy for a few years before in his mid 20's he calmed down.

 

My point is that we were born to have sex with many different people - not one like we do. The consequenses of this are the animal instincts kick in from time to time, and they do not consider marraige of emotional implications at all because we weren't designed to be emotional. The only thing that stands between the animal and the civilized family unit with 2.5 kids is the unity that has been built around a common agreement which involved a vow of faithfulness. The same as in sickness and in health. If you got sick and were grumpy, and intolerable would you consider it fair for your wife to leave you because it was simply hassel? I wouldn't and if she did, the circumstances around our relatinship would change dramatically to show her that this is simply not the way it can work in harmony because the rules have been broken !

 

You get my point, but I'm certainly not saying you are wrong either ! I'm not - you are choosing for the better of your unit, and that is truly the way forward. But your lay down attitude in that you seem to be taking some of the responsibility through the way that you acted, sends a certain message to the wife. Are you sure that this is the message that you want to be sending her? Are you sure that this is not going to happen again, and are you sure that you have done everything you should have done to ensure that this will not happen again, and that also when you are having problems in the relationship be they emotional or sexual that the solution is not to look elsewhere for the answer, but to look withing the relationship for the solution for the good of the unit you are bot in !

 

~Charmed~

[cyberex]

"...also when you are having problems in the relationship be they emotional or sexual that the solution is not to look elsewhere for the answer..."

 

this is a great point, and I wanted to highlight it for other people that may be reading this.

 

this is exactly what happened in my situation...my wife did not know how to say to me "I am unhappy" and instead said it to other people. of course, men being the understanding creatures they are, well you get what happened next.

 

this is what we figured out in counseling, that we needed to be able to communicate, and the way were doing it clearly wasn't working. this in no way means I am "laying down" for her. what it does mean is that I decided to grow up a little and start being a part of a twosome.

 

I agree that we are social creatures meant to have sex as much as possible; however, what separates humans from the rutting beasts of the jungle is that we know when NOT to do it. it's when things get mixed up when affairs happen.

 

I have gotten quite a few e-mails from cheaters and cheated-on from this post, and the common theme seems to be that neither party wanted it to happen in the first place. let's face it, people make mistakes. it's the ones who are able to forgive that keep relationships together.

 

if they didn't care, then we wouldn't be sitting here talking about it, right?

 

god bless...

 

jason