Advice please?

[moodyblues88]

Hi there!

I have a serious problem. My sister is two years older than me, she lives with her boyfriend of 3 years, her 11 year old daughter from a previous marriage and her 2 year old son. They are poor and my sister receives help financially from my Mom although my sister denies this. My Mom is very close with my sisters 11 year old daughter (my neice)

I live with my husband and our 1 year old daughter. We arent very wealthy but we are doing ok financially.

My sister is a people pleaser yet yet she has problems with confrontation and she talks bad about everyone behind their back.

I have always been good to my sister in more ways than one. I did her baby shower for her, visited her in the hospital when she was sick but it is never reciprocated. She never thinks about being kind to others, just what others can do for her benefit! My Mother is the same way!

My Mom recently bought my sister a car, she pays for her daughters private school. She never does anything for me and when I ask my Mom why she helps my sister out she claims that she does it for God (give me a break!)

I went to my nephews 2nd birthday party last weekend and was a little late due to traffic. When we walked in we were shunned by my family and my sisters friends. We didnt understand why . Later on my Mom informed me that

my sisters friend said "god if my sister was ever late she would hear it from me" I was fuming when I heard this! I asked my sister about it and she appeared shocked and never heard the sister say anything. The following day I asked my Mom about it again and she denied ever telling me anything about it. Then I find out through an email that my sister sent to her friend, they were all mad that we were late, all of them, but they didnt have the guts to admit it to us! Instead they chose to deny it and talk behind our back.

I have emails proof that my sister and her friend are saying horrible things about me, and it hurts my feelings because I havent done anything wrong!

In one of the emails to her friend my sister wrote, my sister is a theif and she has soo much money that they recently bought a new house, and she is a stay at home Mom. I am sick of her taking from me...thief!!!!!!

I am done with my family and my sisters jealousy and am thinking of not communicating with either of them from now on.

Suggestions, advice please??

 

Thank you!!

[booberry]

First of all, take some deep breaths and try to give yourself a few days to calm down. It hurts so much because you love her so much.

 

Then decide why she acts the way she does. People will often attack things about other people (real or imagined) that they hate about themselves. She obviously has money issues, and is trying to justify why you're doing better than she is.

 

Next you need to sit her down, and tell her exactly how she's acting. Don't ask her, TELL HER. That's always worked well for me - otherwise they'll just continue playing the denial game with you (and themselves). I've always said, "this is how you act, this is what you did, this is how you made me feel, and it is not under debate and I wont listen to excuses. I'm letting you know how you are".

 

The other important thing to remember when confronting people is to sandwhich it between nice things (as hard as this will be cause you're so mad). Really reach inside yourself and be truthful. Tell her you want a good relationship, that you love her, and having her as a sister means the world to you. Express this stuff to her at the beginning and and of your convo, and be honest and sincere.

 

Again, try to be as calm as you can, try to see things from her perspective, and most importantly, really aim for sincerity in expressing all of your feelings.

 

My mother has always had a very abusive relationship with her sisters. She finally cut them out, but I can tell it still hurts her. Be careful what you wish for. We can choose our friends, but not our family.

[sweetheart21]

Hi,

I think what you should do is try to focus on becoming friends with your sister. It seems that at the moment every meeting/ conversation is filled with jealousy, judgement, anger, etc (coming from both of you)

 

Maybe tell her that you dont like the way both of you act towards each other and you want to try and have a better relationship.

Be careful not to accuse her of anything or say anything nasty because I can tell she would become very defensive and angry.

 

Also remember that if you look down on her and dont respect her how can you expect her to like you?

 

Try taking a break from your kids together every once in a while. Go and see a movie together or have a coffee.

 

Hope this helps

[need2bme]

WOW! Well spoken advice.

 

My brother always borrows from my mom and dad and then speaks badly of them or behaves as if they owe him. My sister always had her hand out before. Sure, you don't mind helping, but I work for my money too.

 

I don't like talking to my family sometimes either, because it is always unrequested advice or my brother thinks my dad owes him, for the way we were brought up. Whatever!

 

Some people are just like that. You can have two totally different people from the same family. My brother and I only look alike and that is about it.

 

So, I know how you feel. As the others said, just sit down and tell her how you feel. Do say that you both need to act this way or that way. That way it is not too confrontational. Above all else, don't take it personally, because it doen't matter. What people say you are, is NEVER what you are.

[sweetheart21]

What people say you are, is NEVER what you are.

 

Very true!

[moodyblues88]

Thanks everyone who gave me advice, I really appreciate it. From reading some of the responses I think maybe I got soo heated writing my post that I didnt clarify a few things.

My sister is two years older than me. She is very immature and selfish. I am not jealous of the fact that my Mom helps her out but I dont like the fact that my Mom lies about it, for example my Mom bought my sister a new car because her old one died, and my Mom denied buying my sister the car saying that someone left my sister $4,000 in her citibank account. My Mom finally admitted to buying her the car, it slipped out accidentally.

My husband and I recently purchased a house and I found out that my sister emailed her friend saying how i was a * * * * * and a thief taking from my sister and my Mom.

I dont understand how my sister came to that conclusion.

My Mom does for my sister to control her, we were both abused and controlled by our mom

i have always tried to be close with my sister but if she is going to talk bad about me behind my back constantly, and try and be sweet to my face, thats two faced.

I am always thoughtful in the gifts that Ive given her, and she is the type to not wrap a gift or even send a card. Yet, when it comes to her husband she is ever so thoughtful.

I planned her baby shower, she didnt even want to plan mine, I also wanted to show her my babys nursery and she didnt have time to see it ever.

I told my Mom and sis Im not going to Thanksgiving and my sister has told friends that she hates my husband anyways and that her and my Mom are better off.

Yet, she is still trying to email me asking me why I am soo angry with her?

WWYD?

[moodyblues88]

Wow, thank you...great advice!

You are right, my sister and my Mom are going to think that my family and I think we are better than them but like you said I know the truth.

I wish my sister could just be happy for me. I have always been kind to her and her children and she never appreciated that I have always been a good sister, she has also never been there for me and my family.

My sister and my Mom have high expectations, they want people to do and give to them because they feel they deserve it, isnt that insane?

Thanksgiving we were going to get together but my sister and Mom only want for my husband and I to pay for their meal or for us to cook, every year we host Thanksgiving at our house we cook and noone appreciates it.

My sister will never ever be real and honest with me she is incapable of that.