Second Chances ??

[Clarkmeister]

Wonder if anyone can give me some advice.

 

My g/f and I broke up in Feb this year after 3 happy years. We got in a bit of a rut near the end and things weren't brilliant but we didn't fight all that often. Anyway, I realised I wasn't as happy with my life as I thought and have sorted this out by doing the things I used to enjoy and am a happier for it (Didn't have many friends as i'd moved 400 miles to livewith my g/f and done everything with her, now realise we have to have separate lives to enhance the relationship).

 

I found out that she had started to see someone else the week before we split up (it only lasted a month), even tho she had denied it when I asked (I had my suspicions). She had a lot going on in her life then (her mum was moving abroad and work issues) and was really mixed up. Once I knew this I went into survival mode and done everything to secure myself emotionally and my future financially. I handled the whole thing very well, am actually proud of what I did and I know I did everything I could and gave her every chance. Once I did that, i confronted her about what she did in a calm manner and told her she'd been silly and had lost the best thing that had happened to her (words of her friends and family). I told her I still loved her and always will but that she hurt me really bad. Also had a good chat with her dad to explain things (he didn't know about this other bloke)

 

I have sorted out all the financial stuff (we had a joint mortgage on a house and I bought her out and now own the house) and was getting on with my life. I even started seeing another girl around May of this year and was having some fun but it wasn't the same, the spark wasn't there. I finished it last month as she was wanting more ot of the relationship than I did and it wasn't fair to string her along.

 

My ex works for the same company so it was inevitable that we'd see each other again. We have talked and it is really comfortable talking to her, things just flow and it is so natural. I really believe she is "the one" but I dont have anything else to compare it too as she has been the only one (Long term relationship wise - I am 32 and she is 25) The thing is, in the last few weeks we have been in quite a bit of contact, and she rang me out the blue the other week to tell me something she could have texted (our main form of communication since the break). I got the impression she was just ringing so she could talk to me and my colleague (female) agreed that it was strange.

 

I keep thinking about maybe giving her another chance, she made a BIG mistake and I'm sure she knows that and I think she now realises what a big mistake it was. However, I'm not sure if I can trust her fully again and know if I cant do that, then there is no point in getting back together.

 

Am going round to her flat on Thursday to give her the TV from the house and she is cooking me tea.

 

All advice is welcome, thanks in advance.

[friscodj]

Hey Clark-

 

Realize that if you guys get back together, you will face difficulties again. I believe the best (not perfect, but best I think) indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Look at how she handled this past rough period with you guys? She cheated on you and lied.

 

While you could argue she was confused, that is no excuse. Actually, I think tough times bring out the truth in people. And what does her behavior during this tough time say about the truth of her? Was it a "mistake" or was it an indication of who she is? Because I know plenty of people who have been faced with insurmountable difficulty in reationships and haven't done the things she did. I don't believe "the one" would do that to you under any condition.

 

Three years is a long time, a lot of attachment and connection happened during those 3 years, and the associated feelings are still very strong. You do seem to be thinking about this, which is good. Keep doing that and trust your best judgement on this.

[Clarkmeister]

Thanks for that friscodj. To be honest, thats one of my thoughts too. Maybe I have fallen for the wrong "one". Still thinking it over and am a little scared to trust my judgement incase I make the wrong call and what you said is correct.

[friscodj]

Thanks for that friscodj. To be honest, thats one of my thoughts too. Maybe I have fallen for the wrong "one". Still thinking it over and am a little scared to trust my judgement incase I make the wrong call and what you said is correct.

 

That is a very valid thought about falling for the wrong person. One I have flirted with many times before.

 

A few more things here.

 

Earlier I said tough times bring out the truth in people. I also think they bring out the truth in relationships themselves. With that said, perhaps you guys (at least from her perspective) didn't have such a solid basis for a relationship in the first place?

 

You also mention a very valid point in that this relationship is the only one you've ever known. The catch is, in order to experience other relationships, truly experience them, you have to be able to do so, which means, this situation needs to be exhausted either by taking time away or by trying again and getting clarity that way.

 

So, take some time and think about things. Then if you still feel that you guys are truly right for each other, I say give it another chance, assuming she wants to which you have not alluded to here. What have you got to lose? Some more pain perhaps but I think answers to the questions of if what she did was truly a mistake and won't happen again and if you guys are right for each other or not is worth it in light of such conviction.

 

The bottom line is I think you should think this through, examine your feelings, put a megaphone to that little voice inside of you, and trust yourself and your judgement here. That's all anyone can ask of themselves.

[Clarkmeister]

Cheers again mate. I think at the time, our relationship wasn't solid enough and I'm wondering if that is why she sought it elsewhere. By no means am I taking the blame for what she did, SHE WAS IN THE WRONG. I just think that sometimes people deserve another chance but am doing alot of thinking about this But only if i truly believe I can trust her again will it work and if I cant turn that little nagging voice away, it'll never work, i know that for a fact. I believe she is sorry and I also believe she regrets what she did and knows she has made one of the biggest mistakes EVER.

 

I am a firm believer in if its meant to be it will happen, so in they terms I am sure it will work out one way or another. Just have so many thoughts flying around I need to bounce things off people. My friends and family have been great and he only consistent advice is that it will be my decision and to be carefull. Thanks again.

[friscodj]

I think you have very sharp perspective on this. In fact, it is very sharp considering this was your first relationship.

 

With that said, I believe you'll make a good decision whatever that may be. I think you'll figure this out. Just try to take things one step at a time.

[Clarkmeister]

I think you have very sharp perspective on this. In fact, it is very sharp considering this was your first relationship.

 

With that said, I believe you'll make a good decision whatever that may be. I think you'll figure this out. Just try to take things one step at a time.

Thanks for that, means alot to hear that just now. I think I have called most things right all the way through (unfortunatley even her cheating) and I was very proud of the way I dealt with the whole thing. Calm and with dignity. Not once did I fly off the handle or bad mouth her (the guy she cheated on me with did and even had the audacity to contact me when it all went wrong to tell me what a * * * * * she was). Thats why I am little bit aprehensive, I really think she is testing the water and would come back if I let her but i know she wont make the move to do so. Just guess I'll take my time, play it cool and see how things go. As said before, if its meant to be it will happen. Thanks again for your words.

[friscodj]

Sure thing, glad my words helped. I call it like I see it, I think you have a sharp perspective on this situation.

 

Another point I'd like to make is that if you feel you are at all harboring feelings regarding this situation with her, feeling like ill feelings are still festering, getting out your feelings and emotions in a way that is not so calm and cool might be cleansing to both yourself and situation. You don't need to bad mouth her or put her down. You can keep things focused on your feelings. I think since you said you haven't done this, it might ultimately help the situation to do so and get to the bottom of her feelings as well. When you open up, she will probably do the same, and your answer to the underlying truth here may be found sooner and more directly.

[Clarkmeister]

Sure thing, glad my words helped. I call it like I see it, I think you have a sharp perspective on this situation.

 

Another point I'd like to make is that if you feel you are at all harboring feelings regarding this situation with her, feeling like ill feelings are still festering, getting out your feelings and emotions in a way that is not so calm and cool might be cleansing to both yourself and situation. You don't need to bad mouth her or put her down. You can keep things focused on your feelings. I think since you said you haven't done this, it might ultimately help the situation to do so and get to the bottom of her feelings as well. When you open up, she will probably do the same, and your answer to the underlying truth here may be found sooner and more directly.

Am not harbouring any ill feelings at all. That part of it has been dealt with. Dont get me wrong, when I found out I felt like going round to where she was staying with all her stuff from the house and dumping it, hoping that this lad would be there so i could give him a kicking. That lasted for all of 5-10 seconds, I phoned my dad to tell him what had happened and that I was driving up to stay with him (250 miles away) as I didn't want to be on my own with these feelings. I am quite switched on when it comes to my feelings and I will remove myself from a situation if I feel I'll do something I'll regret. Am glad that i'm like that as I think it has helped me get perspective on this whole thing and get everything I can out of it. In a perverse sort of way I am glad that it has happened because it has givenme lots to think about and I have taken a tremendous amount of positives out of it, none bigger than how I handled myself and what an amazing set of friends and family I have to call on. Was quite humbled by alot of that.

[friscodj]

You'll be fine Clark, I'm sure of it.

[Clarkmeister]

You'll be fine Clark, I'm sure of it.

Me too fris. Thanks again.

[jjj]

Good luck with your meeting .. take everything slowly, you obviously still have feelings for your ex, and need to resolve things between the two of you one way or another. Im sure if you are patient and willing to give things another try then that is what you should do. You have tried to move on with someone else, which obviously was a hard decision to make, but still have unresolved issues between you and your ex. So deep breathes and im sure like frisodji says you will be fine

[Clarkmeister]

Just a quick update on how it went at my ex's. It went pretty well, nothing dramatic, just as I thought it'd go to be honest. We had tea, I sorted the tele out for her then we chatted for a couple of hours (not about us), finished of with a little kiss on the lips (no tongues lol). It was a really nice evening, just like old times dare I say.

 

To be honest, I'm still not 100% sure what will happen but what I did realise tonight is that I am gonna move on, if she wants to make something of this again she is the one who will have to make the effort. I think the ball is in her court, she made her decision to leave what we had, if she wants it back she's gonna need to put in a bit of graft and get over her insecurities.

 

I think it would be quite easy for us to slip back into how it was, but I'd not know how she really felt and if she has learnt anything from it. If she makes the running (which is totally not her by the way) then I know its something she really wants as it will take a HUGE amount of courage for her to make that move. If she doesn't then its her loss. I'm just gonna enjoy myself and start to move on, and I'll cross that bridge if or when it comes.

 

I'm gonna just have some fun now, get out there again and start building my life back up. As I said, if she wants to be a part of that then she's gonna have to step up to the plate and make some decisions. Some girl is gonna be lucky, I know that for sure as I am a better person for all of this.

[jjj]

glad your evening went ok .... nice to hear that you have some clarity on the situation

[TrynToGetBy]

I'm gonna just have some fun now, get out there again and start building my life back up. As I said, if she wants to be a part of that then she's gonna have to step up to the plate and make some decisions. Some girl is gonna be lucky, I know that for sure as I am a better person for all of this.

 

You have an amazing perspective on this and it sounds like you're doing everything right. I'm sure things will work out for the best whatever happens.

[Clarkmeister]

Thanks guys !!! Last night gave me the clarity I'd been seeking and we'll have to see what the future holds. A couple of my friends think she will be in contact pretty soon but I'm not so sure.

[jjj]

im sure she will get in touch, wait and see ! but if not you hold a positive outlook anyway

[friscodj]

I'm gonna just have some fun now, get out there again and start building my life back up.

 

I think this is your path to better places. And not only is taking this action going to take you to the promised land, but focusing on this will as well...

 

Whatever she does is out of your control. There are a lot of references in your last post to balls being in her court, plates she can step up to, and whatever the hell a "bit of graft" is.

 

While these notions can be considered to be true, allowing these notions to occupy space in your mind will hinder your forward progress with this. Let truth exist but let it do so outside of your conscious thought, because that energy is best spent on you and your forward progress.

 

The uncontrollable unknown is rooted in if she will discover enlightenment, come back to you, and a fruitful relationship generated. The reality is that you're with you and she is not. Remember that.

[Clarkmeister]

Bit of graft is just a phrase for hard work. Your right mate, and I felt a weight lifted after yesterday, as once I had gained the clarity I was after, these thoughts were left in her apartment. I am totally focussed on me right now, we will see what the future holds. I know that it will be a bright one, no matter who its with coz I am a stronger and better person for what has happened.

[friscodj]

Keep grafting those bits bro, things will work out for you...