Big Issues in LDR

[lucid_dreams]

I have been with my girlfriend in a long distance relationship for almost 4 months now. We knew each other since high school (that was 10 years ago) and few months back we started catching up online and hit it off really well. The first couple of months were fantastic, we would talk everyday on MSN and she would call me (I was in Canada and she in India) often and so did I. But then she started business school and since then the communication between us has been kinda low. She has a highly busy lifestyle and rarely gets time to come online/call. So, in-order to compensate, i end up staying up late to find her online or make phone calls. But recently, I have seen the following problems emerging :

 

1) She constantly tells me that I should tell her everything frankly (i.e. any problem or issues I have). But whenever I come up with an issue, she gets really upsets and starts saying things like 'I am not making you happy.. ', 'this relationship is not working..', 'you have a hundred and one problems with me..'. When thats not the case at all, I love her completely and whenever I frame my issues in the most comfortable and natural way as possible.

 

2) She does'nt make any phone calls. Its a long distance relationship over quite a big distance and I feel that its only fair to share the phone expenses.. But this entire relationship, I have been the only one calling most of the times. When I ask her to call me, she makes some excuse like 'ill buy a calling card next week (which obv. never comes)', 'something's wrong with my credit card', 'my account is empty i don't have money (at the start of the relationship she said she has saved a huge chunk of money and she would stay fair in communcation).

 

Right now I am confused. At one end I don't want to be the guy who constantly demands things from her girlfriend (like her being online when she is busy with her school, unwarranted phone calls). But at the same time, I feel I don't get a fair hearing to my problems or some issues are not being fairly dealt with (like the phone one). I have talked to her solemnly about all this but half the time she makes excuses and other half she gets irritated and says I am suffocating her. Where am I wrong/right? Help!

[Rabican]

This isnt the kind of advice you are looking for I know... but my advice is to not have a girlfriend that is on the other side of the planet. I just dont think a relationship like that is truly a 'real' relationship. A couple of hours away is one thing, or a relationship that has a deadline for the long distance.... ie when one of you finishes school next year you can move closer.... that sort of thing.

 

That said, dont unload your complaints on her unless its important. Try to be fun when you talk to her not a barrel full of burdens.

 

Also, why dont you buy a calling card, and give her the number and pin number. YOu handle the billing for it, but leave it up to her to at least MAKE THE CALL. If she cant do that, then you gotta realize... your relationship is screwed. If your girl cant pick up a phone for ya.... thats just not right.

[michaelb9689]

when was the last time you saw her in person? and no i dont think your suffocating her she is probably just really busy with work...

man i dont think i could be in a long distance relationship i would go crazy...

well crazier than i already am

 

good luck.........dont stay on the fone tooo long you could develop cancer haha

 

MLB

[blush]

with the person above!

 

If she loves you she at least has to call you too.

[heloladies21]

Her not calling you isn't the problem, it's merely a symptom. Would need to hear more of your situation to say for sure, but this is a typical reaction seen with one of those "nice guys" who are basically nice to the point where the personality becomes fake. Like no sticking up for yourself, never getting jealous, not wanting to inconvenience your gf. These are all normal reactions in lots of cases, and if you don't act normal, she's going to think you're BSing her, and thus she will lose interest until dumping/cheating.

 

It's all about being a ginuine guy, so the natural reaction when you ask her to get a calling card and she doesn't come through is to confront her on it. If you call her and she doesn't call back, if she doesn't give you an explanation why not, then you ask for one. If it sounds like BS, then you call her n it.

[booberry]

Have you guys tried skype? If you both have high speed internet, you can use skype for free to call each other. It's how my boyfriend and I keep in touch accross borders.

[Grokker]

When I lived in India, I was in a 2-year (mainly internet) LDR with a girl in Baltimore, Maryland. It worked... I eventually came out to the US and we were happy together for six years. So there IS hope, definitely.

 

Now if this is an Indian girl, here's what comes to mind about the problem of her not phoning you.

 

Indian girls often come under a great deal of pressure from their families, especially if they are very traditional. A lot of the time, traditional Indian families want to push their daughters into arranged marriages.

 

If this girl lives with her parents, it's possible that she is "playing down" her relationship with you to them. This doesn't mean she's not serious about you. It may just mean that she is doing her best to avoid an ugly confrontation with her family while she is staying under their roof. They almost certainly wouldn't approve of her having an internet LDR with someone on the other side of the world, if they are like most Indian parents.

 

So maybe it's just this. If she calls you more often, this Canadian long-distance number will keep showing up on her parents' phone bill, and that could make things very difficult. Just a thought.

[lucid_dreams]

well, thats definitely not the case here. I have confronted her directly and assertively on this issue 'numerous' times and everytime she apologizes and says she will do something about it and thats that.. nothing happens. Its kinda frustrating that we can never get to actually sit and talk and reach a decision on this because everytime i get serious about this, she just says 'ok ok.. ill do it, lets drop this' and it never gets solved. Right now, its not the phone thats my concern rather her attitude to not acknowledge my request or come out straight. I wouldnt mind getting a straight answer even if it is negative but I need a frank and sincere reply, not a flaky postponement

[heloladies21]

Ok, then you think right, you just need to follow through and demand an answer, and if she doesn't give it to you or tries to deflect it again, you gotta lay into her a bit and tell her not to pull this because it only makes you more upset. Don't let the argument die just because she caves, she's not saying it with sincere intentions. She's actually trying to BS you in order to avoid a fight and in that sense she's disrespecting you.

 

If you set a term for her and she agrees to it with no intent behind it, it is a form of deceiving you and you are right to be upset about it. This attacks at the foundation of the relationship.

[blush]

Skype is the Best way to do it, its free and i love talking on it, cause it don't cost a thing ( after spending alot on high phone bills ) it was a huge help to my relationship!

 

Blush