Impressions... can we change that ?

[frozenblaze]

Ok, since I talked with her and discovered that there were no reasons for the break-up beside that she lost attraction, I considered the problem and found a solution : I must have acted like a wuss. So it means she thinks I am already an easy conquest and that I would have done everything to please her. In fact I acted like that on our last week because she was sick, so I thought that nurturing her would be kind of me, my error I guess. By doing NC, trying to move on and not giving her attention anymore, can I change that impression ? This question is now for the ladies : girls, do you change your opinions about someone ? does the wuss label is only a matter of actions ? can that sparkle of attraction come back by seeing your (ex) loved one acting differently ?

 

Well that's all folks, and yes I know that by trying to do that, I'm being unfair when saying I'll move on to get back with her... Anyway I work in a bar, so dating other persons is not hard for me, but I just consider that she is special enough for me to try something... before it is too late...

[RayKay]

Hmm, I think it is odd that you think that because you cared for someone you are sick, you are less attractive. I love and am attracted to my partner because I also know he is supportive and caring, and is there for me. Love does not hold it against you for being compassionate of others.

 

"Losing attraction" probably means more than "just losing attraction" - it probably also relates to many other issues about the dynamic - not because you are a decent caring person. This could mean that she just realized you are not compatible, that she found herself "attracted" to someone else, or whatever. Don't forget that your solution may not be the real reason, even her answer is not the entire reason.

 

Look, being a decent, considerate caring person is not the same as being a doormat. A doormat would be if you allowed her to walk over you, never stood up for yourself, allowed someone to manipulate you, whatever. So, were you being a doormat, or just being considerate?

 

But here is my final point. I respect that you think she is special, but do you think she is special enough that now you have to change whom you fundamentally are to "make it work"? For me, that kinda defeats the whole purpose of finding that right partner whom accepts us for whom we are.

 

As for your question...I think once someone has made the decision to end things, they often have convinced themselves it is the right decision and are quite set in it. If they DO change their perception, it tends to be after true change, not when someone is 'changing' with the purpose of winning them back. This means moving forward and working on healing.

[frozenblaze]

True enough, I don't want to change what I am supposed to be, only the reaction I usually have when things like that happen ( being sad for at least 6 months and then not moving on for 6 other). And it's true that I did not allow myself to be her doormat (she did not manipulate me at all and I always gave my opinion and allowed it to be respected), so maybe it does not means she considers me as a wuss... But then the real fact is that there is no reason for the break-up, only me trying to find an explanation. She told me, almost crying, that it was just in herself and not with me, but saying that even if she takes time to think for herself she is not planning a reunion of us two... But then there has to be a reason, you can't like (love) someone on a thursday and then discover you feel uneasy with him on friday... complete nonsense to me, espcially when you consider the time we have spent trying to get to know better the other before the relationship started.

[Boomer]

Hi frozenblaze,

 

I have been in your shoes. I dated a girl for 6 months and she suddendly dumped me in email. I was breaking my head and searching for a reason as well. I met up with her and she said she lost attraction. But honestly how can we know this is honest answer??? Maybe it is just an excuse for real reason. Let me tell you this: You will never find out. In my case I suspect she got attracted to someone else because after she dumped me she immediately started dating this guy. Remember also that your logic is not same as her logic and in matter of love there is no logic. If you continue analyzing you will get a headache and you will waste your precious time and not get the answer. And do you want to waste time on person that will not return the same amount of effort and love that you want?

The best course of action: go No contact. If you continue bugging her with questions you will look like a wuss and push her away more. Remember this: if you are 2 need to be together you will be together. In my case we are not. She got married one year after breakup and is pregnant. I wish her all the best and happiness and myturn will come as well as yours!

[Boomer]

Can I ask how long have you been dating and how old is she?

Did you see any warning signs? like she did not want to go out or meet?

[frozenblaze]

Well she is 17, I am 25. She is the one who wanted to know me first and told me the age difference did not matter to her. We were going out together for not that long, 3 weeks in fact but we have been frequenting each other 2 months prior to the "official" relationship, making sure we could know the other well enough to see if it could work. She assured me it was not because of someone else and I trust her on that... well a relationship is about trust so I believe her even if it ended... And I talked to her once since we broke up for she wanted to talk to me... I really do miss her and cant believe she feels good being alone... who does ?

 

And for the warning signs, well she was just really sick last week, head ache and such so I did not even tried to take her out or anything... just left her be and took care of her when she came hugging me but that's all...Beside that she now lives where I live (we both go to music school here) and one of the main reason for that was so that we could see the other more frequently... I think she had better cancelled living here when she thought about breaking...

[Boomer]

17 - this is too young. Try dating girls 22 and up if you want more serious relationships. I am generalziing . There are few exceptions I guess

It is only 3 weeks man. You will be over this in no time!

[Boomer]

BTW she told you to stay away then respect it.. If you don;t she will get annoyed with you...

[frozenblaze]

I must say that the time issue is irrelevant of the amount of affection I do have for that person... And she did not asked me to stay away, she asked me to keep talking to her and try to be friends, I'm the one asking for NC, not her...

[Boomer]

The main question is can you be friends with her meaning can you consider her as one of the guys? I could not so I never stayed in touch. You do not ask for NC. You just do not respond id she does not respect your request for NC..