why does this happen?

[minnie]

Hey guys,

 

This is actually bothering me a lot as i am seeing it more often.

 

Your significant other cheats on you with your friend

 

What i have noticed is 90% of people this happens to ends up back together with - or at leats on speaking terms with the significant other but not with the friend.

 

I would really like to know why this is, if anyone has experienced, or like to give their views.

 

I ask this because i think it has happened to me (they both deny, but another close friend told me that they did and i believe her) and of lately i have started to speak with the 'man' more but not so much with the 'girl'.

 

I realised this when i went to a club and saw them both, she said hi , i said hi. But me and him were talking quite friendly.

 

After i realised what was happening and put an end to the friendliness between me and him he probably thought i was a psycho , but o well.

 

Now im trying to analyse it, why can the SO be forgiven but rarely the friend.

 

I know your friend should be your friends and not go there, but neither should the SO.

 

I hear the saying men/women come and go, but good friends are for life but ??? most of the time its appears the other way around.

 

I feel if you forgive one you should forgive the other, or forgive neither and move on, but this is rarely the case (?)

 

Any views will be appreciated xxx

[englishwoman41]

First of all, get evidence and really appreciate your intuition as it matters and is there for a reason.

A mate aint no mate if she does this and as for the bloke, dump him .

[minnie]

Yes i understand what you are saying, and i actually realised this after, but it was really weird to see what was happening.

 

They both have been dumped but, i was on speaking terms with him.

 

When i look around people are taking back, or have 'forgiven' the SO, but not the friend. The friend was hated as was everyone who 'knew' etc... I have now realised that i was doing the same - not now though.

 

Its inquisitive and i was looking for reasons for this

[Hope75]

Minnie,

 

This is an interesting topic. I've often wondered the same thing. It seems to me that the value of a close friendship that had lasted long before dating a person would be something that could be worked through, vs. a boyfriend who might not have been around as long.

 

But then, you would expect loyalty and consideration from both parties.

 

I wonder if it is because the betrayal from a close friend is just harder to forgive, and the fear of being alone or without the boyfriend plays a part in it too. Under the same reasons that a woman might not dump a boyfriend that she knows is not good for her, or treats her poorly, because she is afraid of being alone, or claims that 'she loves him' and the fact that it is not reciprocal just isn't as important to her.

 

I'd be interested to see what kinds of responses you get.

[minnie]

Well, everyone that i have asked always say they Can leave a man IF they want to, and are not afraid of being alone. But i think differently.

 

This kind of thinking and reaction, is letting the S.O know that they can do as they wish and are valued more than the friend.

 

In my situation,...... ........ i cant explain why i was more friendly with him and not with her - will have to think about that one.

 

Bottom line is - i think it is unfair to treat them differently, when they were both close to you and both betrayed you.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

This is why we keep mates and Signif Others as Fairly separate.

[Princess777]

I agree with Hope75, this is an interesting topic. I know what you are talking about. I think it has to do with the fact that we can choose our friends much more easily than we can choose who we fall in love with. Love takes forgiveness, a lot of hard work, give and take, etc., however, I can't forgive anyone who cheats on me. But some people can. So if you look at it in the way that: it's easier to delete a friend from your life than it is to delete the one you love. You'd be more willing to work on the relationship with the one that you love because love is blind in this case.

 

Again, I'm not saying I can forgive anyone who cheats on ME, but some people can, in which case, I think this could be an answer you're looking for. You can live without a friend and can always find more friends, but when you consider losing the one you love, it is too daunting to start a new relatinoship and the blind love comes into play.

 

It sucks the way we were created, huh?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

It's probably because deep down you still have a desire for the SO who cheated on you, and you want his approval. Maybe you want to be friendly with him to see if he is still interested, it might help make you feel more validated and less rejected than you did when he chose your friend over you.

 

I think you're right though, they both should be shown the door.

[Hope75]

Well, everyone that i have asked always say they Can leave a man IF they want to, and are not afraid of being alone. But i think differently.

 

them differently, when they were both close to you and both betrayed you.

 

I've heard this too. I've said this too!

 

But when it comes down the wire and it's crunch time.... I've struggled with actually doing it, and I know others who have as well.

 

It's one of those things that is easy to say when you don't have to actually think about doing it....

[minnie]

Hmmm.

 

Thanks for all posts, they pose some great views.

 

I have never been in the same room with my EX and Ex friend. I went out with a group of them, he saw me with them and came over, then i left with him. It was at this stage she had only heard about him and finally put a face to the name.

 

So he knew i knew her and she knew i wa with him - i didn't even knew that they spoke until, one day she call and asked what was happening between us and if i am still with him.

 

She said he was talking to HER friend and they exchanged numbers.

 

I asked him and he said your friend is no good etc.....

 

I have woeked that out to be - she was checking if i was still with him for herself, no-one else. His reaction was a little fishy although he denied exchanging numbers with anyone.

 

 

I have pieced the jig-saw together and have it a clear in my head. they cheated.

 

I hate them both, but i think iamteddybearfeelmecuddle is right.

 

I hate him but think that i was talking to him 'acting' happy to make me feel validated. He wants me back but i dont think so.

 

I will ask people there own views and post them, just for individual/personal reasons and reactions.

 

I have to admit it is interesting.

 

thanks again x x

[minnie]

Hmmm.

 

Thanks for all posts, they pose some great views.

 

I have never been in the same room with my EX and Ex friend. I went out with a group of them, he saw me with them and came over, then i left with him. It was at this stage she had only heard about him and finally put a face to the name.

 

So he knew i knew her and she knew i wa with him - i didn't even knew that they spoke until, one day she call and asked what was happening between us and if i am still with him.

 

She said he was talking to HER friend and they exchanged numbers.

 

I asked him and he said your friend is no good etc.....

 

I have woeked that out to be - she was checking if i was still with him for herself, no-one else. His reaction was a little fishy although he denied exchanging numbers with anyone.

 

 

I have pieced the jig-saw together and have it a clear in my head. they cheated.

 

I hate them both, but i think iamteddybearfeelmecuddle is right.

 

I hate him but think that i was talking to him 'acting' happy to make me feel validated. He wants me back but i dont think so.

 

I will ask people there own views and post them, just for individual/personal reasons and reactions.

 

I have to admit it is interesting.

 

thanks again x x

[minnie]

sorry for double post!!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the reason people blame the cheating friend more than the cheating S.O. is that there is an extra frisson of possessions & jealousy involved with the S.O., that is to say, people have a feeling of 'he's mine, how dare you' when they think of the friend's betrayal.

 

and people hate to give up any possessions, whether boyfriend etc. so the friend gets blamed, frequently in hope's that if it is the friend's 'fault' rather than the boyfriend, then they can hang onto their boyfriend who they feel so territorial about.

 

but really, when you look at it, it is an intense betrayal by both friend and boyfriend, since they know what they are doing is wrong and that it will really cause a huge amount of pain and loss for the one being cheated on.

 

so i think if a friend participated in the cheating with the boyfriend, neither can be trusted to think about your feelings, both are incredibly selfish, so i would do as you did, get rid of them both. there is just no excuse for that kind of betrayal, the friend is not being a good enough friend, and the boyfriend is not worth the trouble or your trust either.

[minnie]

Thanks for that, i see what you are saying.

 

When i asked my cousin, whos friend got pregnant by her boyfriend!

 

She said "she was supposed to be my friend". As if she was valued more than the guy at one point.

 

But he was supposed to be your boyfriend(?)

 

She was still talking to him, until he left the country but she is still pining over him. As if he did not do anything wrong.

 

Its amazing, i dont think i will ever understand it fully.