Broke own NC for Mutual NC? square one to infinity

[stunned]

bestfish,

 

You're doing the right thing by going with your own instincts. Like you said you are letting go for now. Who know what the future will bring any of us. Hopefully, we'll all find a more wonderful and fulfilling relationship sometime down the road. (And a small number of us may actually find a more fulfilling relationsip with an ex from whom there's been a separation. Although I wouldn't want anyone putting their hopes on that to the detriment of moving forward and healing.) The most important thing is that you're at peace with your decision and are moving forward.

 

Now if this silly winter storm here will just move on so I can escape from the house and start to feel like I'm moving forwards again, not backwards.

[bestfishinthepond]

I just chain-sawed a 2.5 ft diameter tree in the backyard...boy, do I feel better!

[L.J.]

Bestfish,

 

Thanks for your message. I'm glad you came to, with strength and determination. Here's how I think your situation fit mine like a glove. I spent the entire morning on T-Day resisting attempts to call. I had a delightful evening congregating with friends and then woke up in the morning listening to a voice mail from you guess who, suggesting we give ourselves another "try". There are also friends who surmised I'm torturing myself.

 

NC or break NC... I can discern no difference between the two when I read your previous post. I was lost in a space of darkness, in all fairness, a blind cannot lead a blind. I couldn't response to your post in a succinct manner. I needed time to think. So... here's my conclusion. She asked to give it a "try", but didn't say how big a spoonful of salt to try it with. It's redundant to speak of my decision. Your latest post pretty much describe how I will kindle the candle below the ocean.

[L.J.]

Stunned,

 

Great you had a workout shoveling the drive and you get to play with the boys. Well, next time you just have to read the boards before attempting to clean the snow blade, or ... moral of the story, you can keep the lawn tractor clean, leave the blade dirty

 

The dumping of the snow will continue but it doesn't have to create havoc to your sense of well-being. It's an ideal opportunity, to have a good read by the fire-place while listening to Nina Simone or something. The older boy with arthritis might not want to be outside for long. I'm sure he would love to be indoor as your leg warmer. Soon enough you'll be out of the house again.

[stunned]

Thanks for your words of encouragement LJ. Even though we're still getting heavy snow, I've calmed down. Unless the forecast changes, we'll hopefully see the snow ending on Tuesday. I can see light at the end of the tunnel and relax. I think not being able to get away from the house (and knowing I wouldn't be able to for a number of days) was just causing me to focus on memories of my ex where ever I looked. All the 4-footed kids are providing great moral support, love and comfort. I'm glad I have them. We may all be huddling together if it gets as cold here as they're predicting.

 

Looks like most of North America is going to be in a deep freeze this week. I hope everyone stays safe and warm. Be careful out there.

[L.J.]

Not at all, Stunned. They are my words but it's your voice. I hear it ... relax,relax, there is a light at the end of the tunnel !!

 

Goodness. All the 4-footed kids? How many do you have?

[bestfishinthepond]

Stunned...perhaps the weather was meant to be..maybe it was a force prescribed to hold you back from making any emotional decisions without first having time to calm down the lymbic system. Use this "cooped" up time to focus on your health and peace of mind. It is difficult, I am sure, to look beyond all of the ex's material items, but that is all they are...things that have sentimental attachment. Look towards all the things that you are doing in such a short period time. You are actively helping out others with your insight and experience. I've been following your posts from day one. You are making a difference in someone else's life by being there to give support. Give yourself time to grieve, be angry, and move through the healing process. You don't need to feel pressured to make contact with the ex, she needs her time too.

[stunned]

Thanks for your words of support LJ and bestfish. I'm finally relaxing this evening. LJ, I've got 2 dogs and 2 cats. They're great company. This afternoon I sat down and relaxed in Buddy's leather chair and had one of the cats curl around my neck. (Buddy's the oldest of all the 4-footed kids and is an adopted stray who suffered a lot of physical and emotional abuse in his life. He actually adopted us 3 years ago. He's claimed an ovestuffed leather chair as his spot; however, he's been letting me sit in it periodically over the past 2 weeks. The 2 cats seem to be having a harder time adjusting, although the dogs do miss their other human.)

 

It really does sound like everyone's weather is going to turn wintry this week. Take care. (I've got to throw my winter survival kit into the back of the truck tomorrow. It's got blankets, one burner stove, food, water, candels, etc. Can't be too safe driving around the mountains.)

[L.J.]

Stunned,

That is an amazing story. I am hearing that voice again. Buddy was a stray, suffering physical and emotional abuse. In time of despair, he seeked comfort in you. Moral of the story ... he is teaching us how to heal.

 

He claimed the overstuffed chair... you go claim some strength, ok?

[L.J.]

L.J...let's go back to the tennis court where "love" means nothing...

 

Is this where we wander but not lost?

[bestfishinthepond]

"I know where I am...I've been lost here before!" [my brother]

 

L.J,

I've decided to sit tight and do nothing- at least for this 24 hr period, or until I change my mind again...flip-flop! I am visalizing the mantra of

SuperDave71 and Relationship Coach.

 

SuperDave: "If someone wants space, give it to them...and I mean completely. No calls, no letters, no ANYTHING....YOU DO NOT EXIST ....period!"

 

Relationship Coach: "NC is all about getting you over this whether you were the dumper or the dumpee is not important. You need to avoid all contact with him which includes emails, IM's, texts, letters, smoke signals, skywriting and musical dedications! If he is not willing to respect your desires for NC, he is selfish and putting his needs before yours."

 

Nice and clear, huh. I will give space and time. You know L.J...it's at the bottom of the ocean where the flounder lives, or should I say "flounder-er."

[L.J.]

I've decided to sit tight and do nothing- at least for this 24 hr period, or xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Sorry, I omitted the second part of your sentence. You haven't change your mind yet, so don't let your subconscious think you will.

 

L.J...it's at the bottom of the ocean where the flounder lives

 

As it stand in a dictionary, "flounder" has two definitions: Staggering in water or mud... you can also define it as a flatfish typically in shallow coastal water.

 

I pick the latter so I can be on my feet sooner

[bestfishinthepond]

L.J and stunned...thank you for your support and guidance. I called him. We are going x-mas shopping for his son. We agreed to meet and just be ourselves and see how it goes. I know this sounds again "flip-flopish", L.J but you know otherwise. There will be resolution...we move forward...together, or not. It is positive...I've let go of two things I can't control...him and the future. I do have control over me though and I feel very good about me...I love me and I love "L."

[L.J.]

Did I say flatfish or bestfish

[L.J.]

Following the seductive path of the heart, huh? Keep us posted about your well-being, ok?

[stunned]

bestfish,

 

Good luck. I hope you have resolution. Who knows, maybe you'll be one of the few couples who can reunite and be better after a separaton. We don't know where life will take us, which is fortunate since we go down many roads we might not have chosen to travel.

 

Today marks the second week since my ex left. Friday is my bday. I wish my ex would email or call, but I'm finally not focusing only on her and worrying about her. I know I need to focus on taking steps to help me heal and have signed up for an online course on eliminating depression in my life where I have one-on-one contact with a licensed therapist. This whole episode has thrown me into a deep depression and I want to climb out of this darkness. (The timing didn't help either; this is the worst time of year to be going through this.)

 

FYI, we got so much snow, I've had to dig tunnels in the yard for the dogs. The snow is very deep. We got several more feet overnight on Sunday. Yesterday morning, I got 3/4th of my drive shoveled but was so exhausted; fortunately, friends asked the man who was to plow them out to swing by my house. Because I had cleared out so much of the drive, he finished it and only charged a fraction of the amount he normally would have. Yipee, if I want to get out I can. At this point, we're still getting some snow so I'll probably stay put for a bit longer. I might get out in the early afternoon. It depends on the road conditions. Hopefully, we're going to reach the end of the tunnel and emerge into daylight.

[bestfishinthepond]

Stunned, I am celebrating your strength and willingness to help yourself by seeking and accepting professional guidance. I'm not familiar with online licensed therapy sessions...geez, everything is online these days. Oh yeah, I'm online too.

My friend says that she met with 4 therapists before she met one that she felt she clicked with. I am considering doing the same...for me it is for the supressed appetite and sleeping issues It's really taking toll on my body and mindset. I'm forgetting things at work. Everything looks blue and hazy. I can't tell you when the last time I smiled...and I am always smiling! Well,I can guess there are other people who can relate.

I am nervous. I have two big days ahead. Friday I am teachng a new program I developed. It been very stressful and time consuming in the making stage. It's a 2nd grade physics program...I'm still tweaking it, so I'm not overly excited about introducing it, yet. Give another 24 hrs, maybe I'll have the bugs worked out.

 

Saturday: I get to see "L". Sigh. It's amazing how distance and one-way communication via email and phone messages escalate anxiety...so many misinterpretations, so many unspoken words missed from the absense of body language. I'm not "hoping" for anything from this meeting, but I do have faith that everything will work out for the best of our situations. I'm nervous and I am pleasantly wanting to see him....I guess that is a good thing since I am just now really coming to terms with what all has transpired over the last month. I think I'm moving out of denial which I must have skipped and went plunging into grief then merged into acceptance...now, I have to go back and start over from the beginning and work my way through each step again.

I'm going to try to sleep now..I'm exhausted but...hmmm, maybe I'll be posting again in a few hours.

[stunned]

bestfish,

 

Good luck with your program, it sounds interesting. I know you'll do well. As for nervousness on meeting L, that's normal. If my ex and I ever meet again, I know I'll feel the same, even if there's no chance that we can even be friends.

 

I can understand sleep and diet issues. I'm having real problems with both. Sleep is really starting to take it's toll on me as well. I used to sleep through the night. Now the most I can get is 5 hours. Days when I'm upset it can fall to 2 hours.

 

I chose an online thereapist because there's no one in the closest town and I don't want to commit driving through more than 100 miles through mountain passes this time of year to get to an in-person session. I had to do something because my focus remained on my ex; I was really worrying about her an what consequences she might suffer in the environment that she moved in to. I just couldn't keep that up.

 

I'm feeling better, but still having ups and downs, which I realize is normal. Yesterday, I had to run errands. It was good to get out but I got teary-eyed thinking about how my ex and I used to do things together. Even though I was low, I made myself smile and chitchat with people. I'm feeling down now because a combination of things--the weather (we've got several feet of snow but are getting more today, how much who knows since we've already exceeded the prediction of 3 more inches and it's not dawn yet), I'm sick with an upper respriatory infection because I did get out and shovel 3/4th's of the drive by hand earlier this week (I stupidly killed my own lawn tractor that has a snow blade by washing it in late summer, the water messed up the drive mechanism on the rear wheels), my birthday's coming up tomorrow and I'll be stuck at home due to weather and illness (plus I don't see my ex calling or emailing, which does hurt). Okay, enough wallowing in self-pity. It's time for me to pull out my course material on eliminating depression and working through more of it. I know I must make a point of thinking positive. I'm hoping I feel well enough next week to get out of the house for some volunteer work. That will certainly help.

 

Have a good day bestfish. Good luck on Saturday.

[L.J.]

Good morning Stunned,

I am so glad to read your post because it is giving me encouragement. I can see you are making a big progress because I followed your post from day one. I was doing good for weeks and all of a sudden I'm feeling down since yesterday. Seeing your progress and the steps you took to accomplish that is giving hope that I can be on my feet again.

[stunned]

LJ,

 

Hang in there. The down days can get discouraging, but we'll all make it through them. Even though I'm focusing on postivie thinking, because it's essential, it isn't easy when I'm low. I so desparately want to get out of this house and hope I can next week. (Everything about the house reminds me of the ex--how we chose it together, remodeled, etc.) It's just starting to be dawn here. I last looked out at 4 a.m., when I let the dogs out. We've now got 5 inches of additional snow and it's coming down very hard. At this rate, it looks like we'll get at least another foot (maybe more) before it stops. Not what we need now given how much snow we already had. Even though I'm sick, I'll have to get out and try to shovel. (The guys with snow plows won't get out until it stops, plus they're in great demand so the waiting lists are long.) At this rate, snow will be up to my shoulders before New Years. Normally, I wouldn't mind the snow and sitting in by the fire, but this year it's imperative that I get out, stay active and keep my sanity. God, if it had to happen, I wish my ex had split on me in the spring or summer.

[L.J.]

Thanks Stunned. I'm hanging in. I'm just exhausted, tired.

[bestfishinthepond]

Ah...I am done! Finis! I visualize myself presenting tomorrow and it will be a phenomenal program.

Now, I am going to treat myself to a hot, alluring and seductive bubble bath for one. Candles, book, wine, music...I'll have to skip the massage for now. Everyone needs to do this! In fact, Right now! Everyone needs to take a selfish indulgence of the heart, mind, body and spirit. So, if you are reading my post, I want you to stop, constructively indulge and post what you did. I want to hear about it. It would bring me a good laugh, smile and warmth to find out what you crazy ENA-ers do for a healing pleasure..Oops, gotta go..water awaits the bestfish.

[L.J.]

Many Happy Return of the Day, Stunned

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

[stunned]

Thanks LJ! Know that I've got a smile on my face because of thoughtfulness of you and others on this board. You are all great, supportive people. I hope everyone has a good day. I know I will.

[bestfishinthepond]

I had another VERY POSITIVE phone call from "L"...we kept it light and it felt for me, like we were right next to each other. We both said we are looking forward to seeing each other again. I am still nervous but feeling at peace (can that actually co-exist?) I am finally getting to see him; something that I've wanted from the beginning...to see his eyes, body language, vocal inflection, and to listen, just listen to him.

 

My program was a huge success... I am going to sleep so well tonight.