Need some advice

[UABJC]

So, heres my story:

My girlfriend and I dated for 1.5 years from sophomore year until about a month ago our senior year, we are both in college at the same school, and have the same groups of friends. The relationship was wonderful, but for about the last month we dated we fought way too much but it was mainly when we would go out and were drunk. There was never any cheating, lying, or anything like that in our relationship, we just didnt communicate well to each other, like not talking about something that is bothering us and i think it would come out when we were drunk and thats why we started fighting over that last month. So after one night of going out, kinda the last straw, and her getting upset, the next morning we mutually decided we needed to step back and take a break from each other.

 

So after we decided to take the break, we sent each other a few emails trying to figure out why we were fighting so much and we both agreed that it was mainly from not ever communicating with each other, it was really the first time we ever identified the problem so i felt really good about our chances to fix things. So its been about five weeks since we broke up, and gradually each week, she has decided that she needs time on her own to be herself again, and the last time i talked to which was one week ago, she basically said that she doesnt think the circumstances are right for us to date(meaning we dont get along in a college atmosphere i guess, whenever we would leave town together, to get away from college, it was so wonderful, not even thinking about arguing with each other).

 

In my head I want to date her again and try to fix what was wrong and thats the way she felt at first, but now it just seems like she just wants to be single. I can completely understand where shes coming from, its our senior year in college and we should both enjoy the freedom before graduation. But i just have these feelings of resentment towards her for not trying to work it out, sometimes, not all the time. I go back and forth about whether five weeks apart would even change what was wrong with our relationship.

 

Can anyone, relate, reflect, or just give some reassurance about my situation, I would really appreciate any thoughts. Thanks

[heloladies21]

I'm not sure what to tell you friend, because she's losing/lost interest in you and this should be interpreted as a break up for real, not just time apart.

 

Gotta put your foot down for what you want and not accept this casual contact in the background that she's put you in. Either it's a realtionship or bust, and hanging around will surely lead to your broken heart.

[Beec]

Leave her alone, and date other women. Seem like you have moved on. She is losing interest. You demanding a relationship or bust is you saying you want her. Make her think you may want, and she will soon show interest.

[UABJC]

I feel like she is losing interest too, but I've got to give a little background and see if you guys think it means anything. After being broken up for about three weeks, during that time we still talked, mainly me telling her i wanted her back which i think pushed her away. So after that I went NC for about 4 or 5 days, then bumped into her on campus and she says that she hasnt been feeling well and she really needed me over the past few days, so i took that as a good sign, but later she told me that even though she does miss me, she still needs this time to be single and find herself again. So that set me back and i told her not to say things like that because it confuses me and she apologized and said she would try her best not to say things like that again. So, we've been on NC for the past 6 days and i havent heard anything from her. Is this her being considerate or is she losing interest?

[heloladies21]

The brutal truth is her being broken up with you and there's nothing else to read into this except false hope. So do yourself a favor and be very upfront with her about what your looking for and what you're not looking for and then if a compromise can't be reached, then nothing's left to be said.

[Beec]

The brutal truth is her being broken up with you and there's nothing else to read into this except false hope. So do yourself a favor and be very upfront with her about what your looking for and what you're not looking for and then if a compromise can't be reached, then nothing's left to be said.

 

I cannot agree with that at all. If he says this is what I want, in her current state of mind, he's not getting her.

 

He should act like he has moved on, and in that case, the door remains open. She's already backing off. You pushing for more, is pushing her away. You need to back away, and if something happens later on, OK, if not, OK.

[UABJC]

Yeah, I have already told her what i want, she knows where i stand, Its been a week of NC, so I guess im on the track, i have a feeling that i will see her today though because our mutual friends always go to football games together. If i see her at a game is that breaking NC? If i see her do to talk to her or wait for her to talk to me?

[dreamguy]

I agree with Beec, act like you've moved on and do not tell her anything.

You don't have to explain anything to her for the time being.

You already told her how you feel and that you want her back. Don't repeat yourself. She knows what she needs to know. Every single time you talk about this again you will push her away.

 

IMO it takes more than a week (sometimes a couple of months) for people to miss you especially if you did some begging/pleading and/or pushing immediately after the break-up.

 

If you do see her and she happens to be close to you (I mean near you) just slightly smile (so you don't look sad) wink at her and say hello then keep walking. Do not stop to talk to her unless she talks to you in which case you should not mention the relationship.

 

Just be casual and cool.

If you completely ignore her (by not saying "hi") she would know you are playing a game and you are hurt.

 

Your objective is to AVOID showing her that you are sad or miserable without her even if deep inside you are ! Miserable = unattractive. Happy = Attractive.

[UABJC]

I totally agree agree with you Dreamguy, thanks for the advice, especially about when i bump into her, i hadnt thought about it like that. I actually didnt see her yesterday because i wasnt where we always sit, so that probably good. So now we've been broken up since oct 1 and NC since nov 3.

 

Should i be worried about the following or am i over analyzing.....

 

The first time i went NC i didnt tell her, i just didnt contact her for about 4 or 5 days, and on the 5th day she contacted me, i responded with small talk about our bball team, and she kept hanging on, like not letting the conversation end. So i guess i took that the wrong way b/c i contacted her about 4 days after that and it didnt go well, she was standing strong on not being together right now. So after that i told her not to contact me b/c i needed NC to adjust/heal. She is very respectful of my wishes always and says she wants me to be happy and doesnt want things to be weird between us so she told me to take as much time as i need.

 

I feel like that kinda ruined the her missing me part of NC? Is this just over analyzing?

 

I hope that makes sense

[dreamguy]

 

 

It's a great thread ! It helped me a lot and I'm sure you'll feel different after you read it.

 

[UABJC]

Hey guys, its been 8 days NC, and ive started to feel anger towards her for quitting on our relationship and not trying to fix it. Is this normal?

[Beec]

Hey guys, its been 8 days NC, and ive started to feel anger towards her for quitting on our relationship and not trying to fix it. Is this normal?

 

Very normal. It's a step in the process to moving on.

[UABJC]

Well, ive had been on NC with my ex for about a month and ran into her at a party last night. We talked for a while at the party, just small talk, then gradually started talking about us and we both just complimented each other on how wonderful we thought the other was. She told me she missed me just as much as i miss her she just tries to be strong and not contact me (shes very strong). We ended up talking for about 2 hours and eventually we went home together, hooked up, and spent the morning together. we had a great time together and she told me that after not seeing each other or really talking for the last 2 months her attraction for me has not gone away at all. She just wants time to find herself. Point being she said hanging out last night made her realize that she still has the same loving feelings for me as she always had. Although it will be a set back for both of us, ive grown a lot in the time we had apart and dont think i will be set that far back, and think last night was a positive thing. We are on very similar wavelengths now, we both want to find ourselves and improve the things we dont like about ourselves.

Just another perspective on NC for everyone. I dont advise it in all situations, i think the advice on here must be considered and applyed to your own situation.

What does everyone think about this?

[heloladies21]

This is a common occurrence and result of using NC. It has the ability of "swinging" your ex back towards you, but the problem is that this effect is only temporary. This site is littered with gentlemen who have been put in your exact situation, done exactly what you've done, come so far in getting back together, only to find that it was false hope without any serious intentions. Even if you're able to get back together with her by this route, whether it takes a week, a month, or a year, the relationship will eventually fail again as the underlying issues were never resolved.

[UABJC]

I understand what you mean and agree with the false hope thing, thats why i said its going to be a set back for me. However, NC is completely resumed today and so its not me trying to lure her back, that was a one time thing with no intentions of trying to make it happen again. Also, about the underlying issues never being resolved, how do you resolve issues? thru NC, talking about them, completely getting over someone? I believe that NC helps resolve issues be realizing what the issues are, once you do that, you can resolve them or try to. I agree with what you say, just dont think that its impossible for issues to be resolved.

[heloladies21]

Well you don't want to just do NC right now because she's not going to know why you're ignoring her. She'll think you're ignoring her and will think you're just mad at her for some unknown reason.

 

There are two types of good NC. First, some have to do it to get their head straight. Like if the emotions are running too high, this let's things cool off so the emotional decisions are cut down. But second is the NC when a compromise can't be reached and then there's nothing left to be said. I still stick with my original advice as this is a very typical case. Tell her how you feel about her. Let her know you want a relationship with her and get anything else off your chest, then ask her point blank "Do you want to give this relationship another shot right now?" Then be ready for her final answer, cause if she gives you anything other than a yes, then it's a no and if you get one of these, then you tell her you want NC as you're not interested in being friends, FWB, or waiting around for her to make up her mind or come back to you. This way there's no doubts and no confusion and she'll have no reason to contact you (which lots will still make some half hearted attempts, but you simply restate your case and bypass the small talk and eventually they get the picture).

 

I did this with my most recent ex and both of us are online all day long. I'm only a type away, but I never hear from her anymore. She knows what I'm looking for and if she ever changes her mind, she knows where to find me, but not otherwise.

[UABJC]

Well, I think you were right, i wrote that post too soon. I was all messed up tonight. i was a month NC before last night and was really doing well, had learned a lot and was not having so many urges to call her. I just softened up when i saw her and realize now that it was a big mistake. I dont think im back to square one but def back a couple of weeks. I talked to her on the phone tonite and explained the entire NC rules to her and she agreed that it is the right thing to do. This will take a lot of will power not to break NC in the next few days. I know false hope is bad, but we are on the same page for the most part--meaning, i told her tonite she should only call if she wanted to work it out and she said, "is that what you want me to do" and i said not necessarily, what i want is to be with you, but i think its more important at this point in our lives to find ourselves and become completely independent and happy on our own. She said thats EXACTLY how she feels. She just wants the latter a little bit more than i do. Sorry for rambling but i needed to vent. I'd love to hear anything anyone has to say. Thanks

[heloladies21]

Realize that because the conversation went the way it did, she's gonna contact you again. And it's probably going to be for small talk reasons. This isn't exactly about finding yourself, this is about moving on if she's not interested. This is a realization you need to come to or else you'll be hanging on no matter how much NC you do.

 

If she's not interested in being with you right now after a whole relationship full of memories, there's no reason to believe that she's going to change her mind in the future. She doesn't need to find herself or become more independent or anything like that. She either wants to be with you or she doesn't, and if not, then you are moving on and not looking back.

[UABJC]

Well i dont think i have to worry about her contacting me, she never once contacted me during the last month of nc, until two nights ago. She is just very strong about that and says that she does not want to upset me by contacting me. I agree with all you said in your last post, and i think its so true in my case. Niether of us were controlling during the relationship or anything like that, so its not even like she is that much more free to do things. she told me she has no interest in getting in any relationship at the moment. Whenever we did talk she tells me that she knows she loves being with me and i say something like "yeah sure you do" and she gets upset b/c she doesnt know why i dont believe her. I guess you gave me the answer, b/c shes choosing not to be with me. The thing i hate about NC with her is that i know shes the kind of girl who will not give in and contact me no matter what she feels. Shes just so strong about that. I guess its time to accept defeat, its over. NC here on out.

[heloladies21]

Now you're ready to do your thing brother! Get out there and start talking to some other girls. It'll do wonders for you. Something better is right around the corner, you can trust me on this

 

(And as a side not, just in case she does contact you in the future, make sure you establish her intentions right away so you don't waste any time with BS. Nothing wrong with interrupting her small talk and asking her point blank "By contacting me, are you interested in trying to get me back?" This way you'd know exactly what her intentions are.)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

lots of people have a really hard time saying, it's over between us, permanently, though i do respect and loved you... so they soften the blow with things like 'i need to find myself'... she seems to only be responding to contact with you, not initiating it or showing any real signs of getting back together... and saying things like 'i don't want to upset you' usually means she is no longer invested in the relationship herself, but has no desire to hurt you further...

 

the risk you run is that she is not really trying to find herself, but is trying to find a new boyfriend and hasn't yet, so hooks up wtih you for a sentimental night of breakup sex if and when she runs into you, then goes back on her merry way, AWAY from you...

 

i think at this point you have to not see your time 'alone' as a way of finding yourself but still staying loyal to her as if you were going to get back together... you have to see it as she doesn't really want to be with you anymore, though she has no hard feelings for you, in fact is 'fond' of you but not enough to actually date you anymore.

 

you have to truly move on, and if she contacts you and says she wants to be with you again dating, then you can see that as positive, but until then, you are broken up and need to treat it as such and move on and try to meet new people and starting dating again...

 

it's hard to hear, the but 'i need to find myself' and 'we need to see who we are alone and apart from each other' is just another standard variation of 'i don't want to date you anymore'... the person thinks they are being kind, but they are just extending the hopes of the partner who does not want to break up... so please take her at her world, that she doesn't want to work on the relationship... the next time she sees you she could still be saying the same thing, but it is NOT bringing you any closer to being together again...

 

that is the key, look at what someone does in addition to what they say, the the reality of the situation is revealed by both action and words... 2 months without you and she is NOT asking to date again... so she seems to be fine with being broken up, and will probably stay that way...