Selfishly seeking advice...

[Dutch713]

I feel quite selfish by creating a post asking for advice on my own problem, but as I read through posts on here I am impressed with the wisdom shared by many for other's benefits.

 

My situation:

 

I have been dating my present GF for 11.5 months, she pursued me for an entire year prior to our dating as well.

 

There are no problems when we are together, no fights, and neither of us would rather be anywhere else. We both love each other very much. There is no infidelity as far as I know (no clues to it at least). She talks about the future with me, 10 years down the road, wanting kids, a house, etc. She has also told my friends she knows I am the guy she wants to marry someday, and how she waited for over a year for me to notice her.

 

Recently she began questioning our differences (I am very structured, she likes to fly by the seat of her pants without planning anything) and whether we will last. She also in the middle of these conversations will say "I have never let anyone into my heart and that scares me... I feel like I have to run away, I dont want to get hurt or for you to get hurt". She has said she has to take a step back and then will wind up calling me and confiding in me how much she loves me and misses me when I try to give her space. She has had a plethora of family hardships growing up too. Poor relationship with her Mother, never knew her father.

 

We had plans Sunday, and she cancelled them via text message. I called her subsequently 4x and emailed her in the following 6 hours to see if she was ok and she never returned any of my calls ( I worry that my over-worrying scared her or pushed her away or that my overreaction was perceived as psychotic). I have heard nothing from her now since the text message. I have not attempted to contact her since Sunday night. The last time we saw each other everything was amazing and fun... this is quite confusing.

 

Some friends tell me this is her cowardly way of breaking up with me, others seem to think she is going to call me like she has in the past but is trying to put some distance in there, and everyone agrees this is no way to act in a relationship.

 

I do love her very much, I see a future with her, and I am confused, doubting, hoping and wondering where I stand or what I should do...

 

It is not as easy as just "Moving on" when you feel like this, and especially when both of us have said we see futures together.

 

Words of Encouragement and Hope are greatly appreciated... Thanks for listening.

[Beec]

OK, first of all sit tight, do not try to contact her.

 

You chased her this weekend, with trying to contact her all the time. If you are chasing her, you are chasing her away. Sit tight.

 

If you hear from her, act really as if you could care less. Care about if she is ok, then nothing else. Be very aloof, seem as if you don't care.

[now_better]

I feel quite selfish by creating a post asking for advice on my own problem, but as I read through posts on here I am impressed with the wisdom shared by many for other's benefits.

 

first, i don't think you should feel selfish. it's okay to seek help in life when you're not sure what to do.

 

reading your post, this girl seems immature and not really sure what she wants in life. i think people like this either don't appreciate what they have in life or are afraid that the life they're living is too good for them. you probably know where she fits. i also think that people that have difficult childhoods tend to have trouble trusting people later in life. all you can do is let them know that you're safe and you can be her home, but it's up to her on how she wants to accept it. i'm not sure if your life gets easier with this girl even if she comes back. i think you can do the best you can, nothing more can be expected out of you.

[DaDancingPsych]

I agree, that it's not selfish! We all need an outsiders thoughts from time to time. Plus, someone might be reading your situation and the replies to it and take something helpful from it. In the very least, reading other's posts helped me to know that I'm "not alone" as the title explains!

 

As far as your situation, I agree that you need to give her some time. You've expressed your concern and hopefully you've expressed your willingness to hear her out and see what can be done. But you can't force her to talk with you. I'm not sure why she's decided to not contact you, but possibly she just needs some time to sort her own feelings.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Dutch - Welocme to ENA

 

I can totally relate to her as I used to do the exact same things. Sounds like she may have some communication issues and well as confrontation ones. She is clearly having doubts of sorts but I don't think they have as much to do with you as with her own insecurities.

 

Give her space and time.

 

May I ask how old she is?

 

I'm asking ONLY because I was a lot younger when I used to do those things and it's just from pure experience that I "out grew" that behaviour - so to speak. I still have confrontation issues, but I'm working on that....

[Dutch713]

I can't tell all of you how sincerely grateful I am for your responses... it gives me a very fresh perspective and a bit of confidence.

 

She is 23y/o and just out of college. I do think she is having growing pains as far as not sure if she likes her job yet, wishing she was back in college, has little money, forced to live at home for the time being, etc.

[terk2021]

It is tough when you are dealing with someone that acts this way. It usually means troubled past. She is scared, and the question is how long do you wait for her to come around... Pursuing harder typically makes it worse as I am learning the hard way.

 

If she calls you, just let her know that you are there for her... But you should wait for her to make that move...

[Dutch713]

I saw her car today at her house as I was going out for a short run. I foolishly called her to reassure her I am there for her and that I think distance is the best and to end this for now... however she DIDN'T ANSWER. I'm sure she saw my phone call, but is gone away for the weekend now, likely to help forget about the situation.

 

I sincerely have no intention of contacting her again, it had been since sunday... I guess I'm back to day 1 now...

 

I hope I didn't screw up too badly.

[terk2021]

Nothing wrong with telling her how you feel, just don't give the same message over and over... Leave it where it is and hang in there my friend.

[Dutch713]

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

It has been 11 days since we saw each other last, and 7 since she cancelled our plans...

 

still have heard nothing. I cant tell you all how many times I have wanted to call her, go to her house, etc. It is a struggle daily even though all weekend I was out meeting tons of new people having fun, every morning I woke up wondering what was going on in her head and when I'd hear from her.

 

Interestingly I understand now from an old friend it is in her behaviour pattern to just cancel plans and take off for days without returning calls or messages (according to a friend of her ex bf).

[terk2021]

Sounds like she has some issues my friend. Seems like people that act that way usually have some serious deamons, either from childhood, past relationships, or both...

 

I know the feeling. It does make you want to call. Try sending an email or a letter or something telling her how you feel. It gives her the chance to read it gives her a chance to read it on her time and her terms. Just have to be prepared for what comes back.

 

At minimum, it should help you feel better to at least get some of this off your chest. Only thing is, you have to remember that this may be something she reads over and over, so just be careful with your words. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling someone how you feel, especially when it comes from the heart...

 

Good luck!

[Dutch713]

Anyone know what that comment was that was deleted?