my boyfriend is depressed...am I strong enough to help him...

[duncan33]

I don't know where to start. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and we have been friends for 7 years. For the passed 5-6 months our relationship has been taking a downward spiral. We fight all of the time, we don't have sex and we have forgotten how to have fun together. He has lots of issues that have started to get in the way and I am not perfect either.

 

He drinks alot, to cover the depression and to numb his pain. His mom killed herself 5 years ago. Depression runs in his family.

 

I guess what I am facing now is...Am I strong enough to keep this relationship going and to help him...and is it fair to me to deal with all of the pain?

 

During the summer I lost myself, I got sucked in to the darkside, I became depressed...I had never felt this way before...I cried every day or close to, I lost my drive to move forward, I was caught up so much in his life I forgot about mine.

 

Recently I have come back out and realized that I was sucked in to his depression...is this possible?

 

I want to be good for him and try to keep him out of the dark places he goes, but am I just dreaming? Can I actually help him? Am I strongh enough to do this?

 

I would appreciate any feed back...I love this guy and only want the best for him...I feel like I have a strong boudary up now, but what if I get sucked back in? I don't want to end it but I get so frustarted at times and this doesn't help our relationship. I know I need to look out for myself but I also want to help him and be with him...please help...

[Dako]

I'll bet at times one of you is up and the other's down, and I suspect you're the one pulling him out of the hole.

Does he ever take that role? It's really tough when you both fall into darkness and can't help each other, so one has to make the effort.

 

If you can't get this dynamic to work for you, it'll be a hard road to travel.

[booberry]

I remember when I was in a long term relationship with a guy who suddenly got depressed. I thought it was my duty to make him happy again, and that my love was strong enough to fix his problems. I soon started to feel horrible and depressed about life because nothing I was doing was working. I now know that it's impossible to help someone who doesnt want the help. You can be supportive, but he has to get the help he needs on his own. Suggest therapy to him, perhaps.

[PittItaliano]

I am giving you advice as a girl who has been in a commited relationship for almost 2 years and as the person in the relationship with depression.

 

Depression runs in my moms side of the family. My grandmother has it, my mom is on medications for it, we're pretty sure my great-grandmother had it, but at the time it just wasn't recognized. My good high school friend commited suicide and at the same time my mother started getting more verbally and physically abusive. This is kinda what jumpstarted depression for me.

 

You alone cannot help your boyfriend, you can be there for him, and support him, but you cannot drag him out of his depression. From the sound of it he isn't in any kind of therapy, am I right? If he isn't, you should really talk to him about getting professional help for himself, you could go with him for the first time so he doesn't feel alone. I just strongly advise getting him help.

 

You might also want to look into some type of therapy for yourself. Obviously his depression is having it's toll on you, and you need to have some type of outlet for your own problems. If you had an outside person to talk to, and get what's on your own mind out, it might help this relationship.

 

Just know that depression is a disease. It's a chemical imbalance, it's not something that most people can get dragged out of. And seeking help does not make one weak.

Good Luck, I hope everything gets sorted out in your relationship

[itsallgrand]

Hi.

 

No, no way in /bleep/ can you pull him out. He's gotta do it himself, and for himself.

Get rid of that expectation right away. It's probably what got you sucked down. Not a nice path to take, and no good for either of you.

 

Ok, so you were depressed for a summer. So you got a little taste of what it is like and do not like it. And now you question your strength.

 

Suggest therapy, yes, that would be good. But first - the drinking. Depression is one thing - booze problems, drugs, pills or anything of that sort is unacceptable. Call him on that.

 

Get as educated about depression as you possibly can. Talk to people who have struggled with depression, and their spouses/SOs/families.

 

With all due respect to you, a depression over a summer is nothing close to a depression that becomes a serious drinking problem and crashes a life down. Educate yourself before making any BIG decisions of whether you can handle this or not. I think you love him enough to give this a last go, and also to have some very candid conversations with him.

 

good luck. whatever happens.

[duncan33]

I have suggested therapy in the past...he did talk with someone when his mom committed suicide...But now he is resisting it. He had bad experiences as a child where the therapist told his Father what he had been saying and he got beat for it...

 

I did see a therapist a few times this summer but then decided that I didn't need to be there and he did...I didn't feel like it was getting anywhere...

 

We have been taking a break for the last week to clear our heads...the fighting was taking its toll...I will try and mention therapy again to him...

 

I know that he needs to want to get better...he is an alcooholic and has no desire to stop drinking, which is going to make it really hard for him to help his depression, I know this...

 

I do know I can't help him if he doesn't want help...more communicating is the key...but we just seem to argue and he thinks that I am always blaming everything on him...Thanks guys...

[duncan33]

I'll bet at times one of you is up and the other's down, and I suspect you're the one pulling him out of the hole.

Does he ever take that role? It's really tough when you both fall into darkness and can't help each other, so one has to make the effort.

 

If you can't get this dynamic to work for you, it'll be a hard road to travel.

 

I can't think of a time recently where he has pulled me out of the hole...in the beginning of our relationship I feel he understood me better and did do this...

[itsallgrand]

He's an alcoholic??!!

 

That would change everything for me. Don't know about you. The issue isn't just depression - it's a serious, life threatening addiction that can destroy you along the way.

 

good luck.

[duncan33]

He's an alcoholic??!!

 

That would change everything for me. Don't know about you. The issue isn't just depression - it's a serious, life threatening addiction that can destroy you along the way.

 

good luck.

 

 

Yes he is an alcoholic too...

[turqoise]

Hey,

 

I have been on both sides in a relationship. I have to agree completely with what PittItaliano suggested, including and emphasising the fact that depression isn`t a condition, it`s a phsysical disease.

 

Counselling, therapy is also what was suggested to me, and which I tried. Because people think that it`s because of thinking patterns etc, the way to fix it is to either find past events, talk through them to get an understanding (style a) or to identify and reprogramme current thinking patterns (style b - less common among therapists, but claims to be more effective. It`s called cognitive behaviour therapy). To my point. Personally I found therapy limited in helpfulness because I too felt like it was going nowhere, especially cos I couldn`t find a therapist who I felt like could understand and help me.

 

So. Two strong paths which have fished me out of depression.

1. Supplements. They work as quickly as in 30 minutes to get you out of a low. Sort of feels the same as taking aspirin for a headache. Plus, if you continue to take them, they build up the chemicals in your brain, plus the actual frontal cortex of the brain (it can shrink due to stress) which produces the chemicals to keep you happy. Plus alcohol doesn`t affect its effectiveness as much as it does with antidepressants. You don`t need any other effort other than to just take these, and keep away from anything that stresses yuo out. This has done more for me than any therapy and most importantly it`s instant relief, unlike medications which take 3 weeks to kick in and also have side effects.

 

I`ve written what you need on another thread if you want to check it out.

 

2. Meditation classes. If you`re not into this, it may sound strange. Meditation can help to stop your brain thought pattern from clinging to things like alcohol and bad thoughts. 5 minutes can calm the brain down and bring instant relief. There are tons, but the easiest is probably to join a free class cos then you just have to follow what they say. I went to the first 2 classes at a Sri Chimnoy centre. Or, I can write you an easy one.

 

Good luck and lots of love to you.

[turqoise]

Oh, I forgot.

In terms of you. I know how much you want to help and be there for him, but you can only do that if you`re strong. If you`re not sure, then you`re not. I thought I was, and I ended up worrying all the time and worse than himm in the end and he dumped me. If I were in your shoes, I would find people who I enjoy being around to help me regain my happiness first. Spend lots of time with them, make yourself strong. Less time with him, BUT same amount of love directed his way.

[winter_light]

i've been on both sides of this issue, too. it's really hard when you care about someone not to want to help them out of a depression or an addiction. i'm going through my own struggle exiting a relationship with someone i still love but who is depressed and closed-off and an alcoholic and, well... it just ain't easy.

 

i want to recommend a book, though. it's called "Darkness Visible" by William Styron. Styron was not only an excellent writer, he also struggled with both depression and alcoholism. as someone who has struggled with depression, i found it comforting and affirming. as someone who is in a relationship with a drinker, it provided some perspective for me. unfortunately, it won't solve the problem, but it might give some insight.

 

good luck whatever you decide to do. as for that part, i guess the best advice is to go with your gut. it's probably best not to stay with someone whose depression starts to wear you down so that you feel like you've got an anchor around your neck. you don't want to start to resent him. also, if you haven't already, try attending an al-anon meeting. it's for family and friends of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is currently drinking or not.

[duncan33]

thank you!! good advise...

[rikka]

also, if you haven't already, try attending an al-anon meeting. it's for family and friends of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is currently drinking or not.

 

That was going to be one of my suggestions. It certainly sounds like you are fighting an uphill battle.

 

Like others here, I am the depressive one. i am the one who calls my boyfriend at 2AM crying for no reason. Both he and I realize that there is nothing he can do to help. But he patiently sits there and listens to me, and talks to me and so on.

 

As others said, you have to realize that there is nothing you can do to "pull him out" of it. If you choose to stay, you are going to need strength. All you can do is support him, but you will need support for yourself (lest you fall back into it again). Al-anon is probably a good starting place. People there will be in similar situations as yourself.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Best wishes