Please Read - Lost my GF of 8 years this weekend

[TrynToGetBy]

It's mid-day on Monday I haven't spoken to the ex since she called me last Thursdsay. For the first time the weekend wasn't too bad, I went out Friday and Saturday nights with friedns and had a fun time, Sunday was a little tougher, but I didn't break NC. I'm still working on myself and trying to move forward. Trying to let go. I'm missing the ex and feeling a little sad today... it's hard to think that we won't be spending Thanksgiving together for the first time in years. The worst part is I think she's spending the holliday with the new guy she's dating. I know I shouldn't concern myself with that, but i guess its one of those days.

 

Any words of encouragement or stories with happy endings?

[downbroken]

Yeah here are some words of encouragement:

 

The Pats gave the Packers a beat down and I am positive that the Giants will handle the Jags with no problem.

 

Just keep you chin up man. Don't let it dominate you. Trust me after a while it gets really old thinking of someone and wishing that they were a around. Like I heard peolpe say this here all the time. Now is the time to be selfish and only think of you. Just keep having fun with your friends. You are on the right track.

[TrynToGetBy]

So the ex just called me on my lunch hour I didn't answer but I called her back a half hour later. She apologized for calling but said i was the only one she can talk to. She was upset about something that had happened at work. We talked for about 20 min, I told her what my advice was, she thanked me and we had some light small talk. I cheered her up and made her laugh a few times, but then I told her I needed to go, and wished her a happy thanksgiving. She said she'd try to be better about not calling.

 

Any thoughts at all on what this means. Should I not be picking up these calls?

[TrynToGetBy]

Anyone thoughts?

[friscodj]

You're not the only one she can talk to. I believe she is having trouble letting go just like you. You can help her be better about not calling and loosen the leash around your balls by not answering, listening to the voice mail, or calling back.

[TrynToGetBy]

You're not the only one she can talk to. I believe she is having trouble letting go just like you. You can help her be better about not calling and loosen the leash around your balls by not answering, listening to the voice mail, or calling back.

 

It seems so counter intuitive to not answer her calls or call her back when my ultimate goal is to get back together. I haven't been calling her, but she keeps reaching out to me.

 

I just don't know what to do about this? I'm working on healing and moving on, but I don't know how I should be responding when she contacts me. I've been trying to be charming and light, and I think I've succeeded. The only down side is that after we speak i'm thrown onto the emotional rollercoaster of why is she calling, do i have a chance, what does this mean, blah blah blah.

[friscodj]

You have lost all healthy perspective on this situation it sounds. You are "trying to be this and that" and beating yourself up emotionally trying to figure out the why's and how's of her actions and your chances. In other words, you're spinning your wheels.

 

It is high time you cut to the proverbial chase, got together, and leveled with each other and yourself.

[TrynToGetBy]

I haven't posted lately, mostly because there's been nothing to report, but I have some new news so I wanted to come back and give everyone and update on my situation.

 

The ex broke up with me 3 months ago. I think its fair to say I was fairly devistated at first, but the last 3 months have been truly amazing. I've maintained NC on my end, and only repsonded selectively when the ex has tried to contact me (which hasn't been that often). I've been working on myself and trying hard to focus my energies on things that make me happy and I've made amazing progress. I can truly say that going through this experience has made me a much stronger person. I still have bad days where I really miss the ex, but those days are now the exception not the rule. Also I've been out on a few dates, nothing serious, but its been nice to meet new people, and get back out there.

 

So that's what I've been doing, here's the new news. Last Tuesday the ex calls me with the pre-text that she's calling because there's some mail of mine at her apartment. I thank her for letting me know and tell her she can throw it away and I'll make sure to change the address on that bill. We start talking and end up talking for about half and hour. She mentions possibly getting together and that she's free Sunday, and I feel strong enough to see her so I tell her I'll call her Sunday. It was a nice conversation, but I really didn't think to much about it.

 

So yesterday morning, I'm sitting around the house having my morning coffee and watching Meet the Press, when my cell phone rings at 9am. It's the ex seeing if I still wanted to get together. I say yes and she asks me if I want to get breakfast. So the long and short of it is we go to breakfast and have an amazing time. We laugh, we flirt a little, tell stories, and talk just like the old days. We don't talk about the break-up at all, she doesn't mention her new guy once, and we have a grand old time. We end up hanging out from 9am until 2:30pm when I tell her I have some errands to run (which I did). Before she left I gave her a book that I'd recently read that I think she'll like and tell her to call me when she's finished reading it to tell me what she thinks. I say good bye and tell her it was nice to see her and go about my day trying not to think too much about it. Then last night at around 8pm she calls me to tell me how great a time she had. We talk for abut 20 minutes and she mentions how I always can make her laugh and she tells me that she's going to start reading that book tonight and she'll call me when she's finished.

 

I'm not going to call or pursue her. I don't want to send myself on a wild goose chase. I had a great time with her yesterday and realize today that I might not be as over her as I had thought. Seeing her I realize I still do have a lot of love for her. I'd love some insight into what all this might mean on her end. Also any advice on how I should proceed would be greatly appreciated.

[luvursmile]

Hi, sorry I took so long…I was actually working, LOL!

 

Well, from a woman’s point of view. It could be one of three things.

1) She doesn’t want you to forget about her or get over her, that’s why she calls once in a while. Its an ego thing. It also gives her the chance to see how you are holding up, i.e. if you are over her or not.

 

2) She misses you, and misses what you had together, and is testing the waters to see if you still have a chance.

 

3) Things are not going so well with her new guy, and wants to see if youre still around.

 

On a side note, I’m glad to hear you’ve been ok, and you’re dating. That’s great!

[Cyprian]

Hey TTGB,

 

I just wanted to say I am in a very similar situation, except we didn't break up mutually, she cheated on me and concealed it, lied, and yet I still love her. She said she did so because she didn't want to hurt me, but I know it's also because she was a coward and didn't want to hurt herself either. We were in a 7 year relationship and really loved each other, she just lost that spark (although I lost it years ago but put it behind me)...Anyway I guess I should just start my own thread. I need a lot of help here too, although reading all these posts for the last few hours gave me hope to move on with my life and maybe get her back in the mean time. Please look at my post if you can.

[TrynToGetBy]

Cyprian - Stay strong buddy, I know how it feels in the beginning but this to shall pass.

[TrynToGetBy]

Hi, sorry I took so long…I was actually working, LOL!

 

Well, from a woman’s point of view. It could be one of three things.

1) She doesn’t want you to forget about her or get over her, that’s why she calls once in a while. Its an ego thing. It also gives her the chance to see how you are holding up, i.e. if you are over her or not.

 

2) She misses you, and misses what you had together, and is testing the waters to see if you still have a chance.

 

3) Things are not going so well with her new guy, and wants to see if youre still around.

 

On a side note, I’m glad to hear you’ve been ok, and you’re dating. That’s great!

 

 

Hmm... This has really thrown me for a loop. We had such a good time yesterday, and although I couldn't go back, if there were an opportunity to start something new with her I'd like to try. What do you think I should do? I was thinking of just accepting it for what it was, a lovely sunday with the ex, putting it behind me and waiting to see what she does next. All advice would be greatly appreciated.

[need2bme]

Good job TTGB at keping it on the down low. My friend broke up with his ex and told her not to call and somehoe she got in touch with him and now they are getting married.

 

So, how do you want to proceed? Is she still with the other guy? Can you trust her now not to hurt you?

[need2bme]

Hmm... This has really thrown me for a loop. We had such a good time yesterday, and although I couldn't go back, if there were an opportunity to start something new with her I'd like to try. What do you think I should do? I was thinking of just accepting it for what it was, a lovely sunday with the ex, putting it behind me and waiting to see what she does next. All advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

You nailed it. That is what you should do then.

[Ellie2006]

Hi there TTGB, I agree w/ need2bme; you've made such strides in the past several months; please maintain focus on moving onward!

In the meantime, I do think it might be best to wait and see what she does to follow up on this great meeting you guys had this past weekend. This way, you aren't hanging on to what SHE does and yet, keeping open to what she has to say? The bottom line is that you do not allow this to detract from all the progress you've made and are going to make!

 

I am happy to hear that you are doing well!

Congrats and take care!

[luvursmile]

I agree with the rest. The ball is her court. She broke up with you, so let her innitiate a reconsiliation if thats what she wants. Just play it cool, like you have been.

Be receptive, be there for her, etc. But do not be her doormat. Dont be there everytime she needs you. Make her want you.

[Nappy]

I agree with luversmile.

 

If you feel you've laid all your cards on the table and she gets it and still feels she needs the space....Give it to her. I know how you are feeling - Devastated and in a panic. I understand that it is difficult to get out of that rut....But the thing is, she won't know what she's missing unless she is actuallly missing it. Another thing...Defintely keep in contact here and there so that she knows that you are still there...But make an effort to have a life without her. When she sees that you can survive without her it will put her in a panic as well...Because she will realize that she really CAN lose you. Sometimes we forget that even though we've given our hearts and selves totally and completely to another that they can actually move on....Yes, it is still hard for me to understand as I am a hopeless romantic myself, but yes, anyone CAN move on if we need to.

 

I say...If you've put all your cards on the table...Then let the cards fall as they may. Fight for it...But fighting for something doesn't always necessarily mean taking physical action. Sometimes the silent fight allows for the other to surrender.

 

You two have spent 8 years together....This other guy means nothing but simplicity. Even simple isn't always greener....The ones that are tougher are more appealing if we feel they are worth it. I'm sure she feels you are worth it, I mean you two have spent 8 years together....She just needs to realize that for herself.

 

For now, all you can do is work on yourself....And that's really the most important thing you can do to win her back. What were her complaints? If any, work on those things. Or work on things you yourself have been wanting to improve upon. And if things don't work out the way you'd like...Well she just missed out on the most perfect person for her...Because once you've fixed the things she has complained about in the past...You are exactly who she wants. She'll know that too.

 

Again, make sure you keep limited contact...And make sure not to make yourself too available....A doormat is not desireable. Keeping yourself known will remind her of how important you are in her life....And not really being there very much will allow her to miss you.

 

I think the fact that you let her know that you're not ready to commit 100%definitely made her think twice. Being honest was really great...But the problem is that she likely was afraid she'd be hurt in the end. But not just that...I'm sure she felt that she deserved more than a half way commitment. I've been in this situation recently...And let me say, that I was going to ride it out as long as I could take it. Luckily, things have turned for the best for me. But had he stayed in that non-commital phase for a long time...I really dont' know how much longer I could have taken it no matter how much I love him and how badly I want forever with him. It doesn't feel good or safe when the person you are deeply in love with is half way out the door. You really just dont' know what to make of it but.."I'm not good enough. He will find someone else and move on." What's done is done and you've let her know how you feel.....She needs to heal now as well. I would say to fight harder...But she has asked for space...Give it to her just a bit.

 

I would go into this with no expectations....Just work on yourself and do what you can to help yourself move on. That way if she doesn't come back you are already on your way to healing...And if she does come back, then you'll be pleasantly surprised and ready to fall in love again.

 

P.S. This is all coming from a Dumper....Who is now after 4 months back together.

[Nappy]

Oh man...Just realized I was behind on the posts.

 

Okay....She is definitely missing you and wants you back in her life - In what way, don't really want to say just yet.

 

First and foremost...Is she still with that guy? How is that going for her? How serious did they get?

 

She broke up with you and there hasn't been too much time in between (like years), so the ball is on her court. She needs to reconcile with you....That way, when the two of you get back together...The person that thought the break up would be best is the one making the move and won't give up on it.

[TrynToGetBy]

Hey Nappy - Thanks for the replies, although I gotta be honest the first one threw me for a minute.

 

To answer your question about her and the other guy, the honest answer is I don't know. She didn't bring him up at all yesterday, and neither did I. If I was guessing though I would assume she is, because I think she would have mentioned it if they broke up. I don't really no anything about their relationship in terms of how serious it is, as I said I havent' really spoken to her in the past 3 months.

[friscodj]

I had a great time with her yesterday and realize today that I might not be as over her as I had thought. Seeing her I realize I still do have a lot of love for her. I'd love some insight into what all this might mean on her end. Also any advice on how I should proceed would be greatly appreciated.

 

Well, this is tough man. A bit of a dichotomy going on here...

 

friscodj wants to tell you to quit doing this to yourself and once and for all, really cut this clean with true distance. No sporadic communication with her, no communication with her. Period. Toughen up and do it.

 

You are never going to get anywhere unless you break out of this comfort zone, usually sprinkled with bread crumbs of communication and now inhabited by the big fat jelly doughnut of a situation you guys just shared together. It's all just bait leading you to the edge of the cliff...again...and again...

 

And look at the trend here. You were doing better and better without her. So why not keep it that way? You love her. That's sweet. I can say I love a few of my past girlfriends as well but I keep that love to myself, in the privacy of my heart and memories. Your feelings should not dictate your actions. If feelings dictated our actions, we'd all be dead buddy, or at least that guy who cut me off on the way home from work would be...

 

friscodj thinks something may be going on in her current (or now past) relationship with this other guy and she is reaching out for lifelines that will provide comfort to her. Perhaps she is feeling lonely, or perhaps she wants to feel good about having you there and having clear air between you two so she doesn't feel guilty about what happened with you guys or doesn't want to face the reality of a true separation and the resulting grief. At any rate, I have no doubt she is doing this for herself and her benefit.

 

Now...

 

The guy behind the username and password is putting himself in your place and deciding from that perspective what he would do.

 

He would say these feelings are real and don't come along everyday. He would say this is life and it is meant to be lived. That means going after the discovery of important truths like this no matter the cost. In this case, he would say that he needed a firm all-or-nothing answer on this once and for all here because there are still one or two strings tying him to this situation and keeping him from truly breaking free...there are still the questions, "Is this for real? Are we right for each other? Maybe she realized what she had and what she lost?"

 

So he would likely meet with her again, settle in, get really nervous and scared, and then ask some very direct questions, such as, "What's going on in your life?", "What happened with us?" and "What are we doing here?" Get to the bottom of this situation and it's either all or nothing, work towards getting back together and hash things out that way or hash out whatever feelings are lingering, any feelings good or bad that are preventing a true break here. It's time for both of you to fess up.

 

Friendship is not possible with the level of your feelings and the history between you two and the ambiguity of such feelings will only build setting the situation back to square one should things continue as they are. Both of us agree on that point...

 

So that is my dilemma my friend. Instead of arguing this through to myself, I thought I'd present both sides of the argument here and let you decide...

[TrynToGetBy]

Thanks for all the great support and advice. I've thought about this A LOT over the last few days, and have gone back and forth on how I should proceed. I think the best thing i can do for now is NOTHING. I'm going to keep moving on with my life, keep working on my personal development, and accept Sunday for what it was.

 

So for now I'll do nothing and wait to see what happens. I'll move ahead with my life and if she wants to reconcile the ball is in her court and she can make a clear effort in that direction.

 

Wish me luck and I'll keep you all posted if there are any more developments.

[blender]

Yes, it is wise and healing to "let go" and live within your own emotional truth, that for now, this girl is NOT capable of being in a committed, loyal, loving, sincere, mature relationship... and it's NOT about YOU, it's just where she is in her own life journey right now, do NOT take it personally, but take it

"practically".. and in a practical sense this is not an emotionally healthy, or self respecting relationship for YOU right now.. so keep on getting busy with your own life.. and set some boundaries for yourself, and standards/values for your own heart... "no contact" till you are NO LONGER SO VULNERABLE... re-gain your "sense of self".. and this takes time, space, and asking yourself what YOU really want from any relationship...you'd be surprised how "attractive" this will make you, and more importantly how much better you will feel about YOURSELF in the long run...