What does it all mean.....

[nubspeace]

Please advise… My boyfriends daughter of 5yrs old had been mentioning to her mother about he and I getting married and he finally after 3-4 weeks of holding this in told me about it and wanted to know if I had been talking to her about it. (he and I have only been together 4 mos.) I told him no way that I would never talk to the daughter like that behind his back and we had not even said I love you to each other yet and that not at all is what I've been thinking. This is the truth. We came to the conclusion because he said his daughter adores me that it is probably what she wants and thinks it's what should happen next like what happened with her mom and husband. Then he said he was thinking I was also making all these plans for the future and planning on moving into his home.

 

Now…when he and I had only been together about a month we were up at his dads camp and I was thinking at the time of selling my home and getting a home on the lake and he made the comment of "yeah, then you could move in with me". I was freaked a little since we had only been together a short time and said "yeah right". Worried I sounded rude I just kind of dropped the subject and hoped he didn't take offense. (which he did not seem to at all…things progressed fine). Than when it was getting closer to me making the decision of selling my home or not, he made the comment of "well, where will you live?". And I said in just a off the cuff remark nothing serious "I'll just move in with you". And he did not answer. Subject dropped and I've been just moving along with things. So when he made this comment after the daughter thing….I said, "no, this wasn't my intent but you did make the comment first". which at this point he said he did not remember saying and I reminded him of where we were and what was said. He still didn't remember but said ok accepting what I said as the truth. Then he said "he felt after what I had been through with my previous relationship (drug addict x-husband and me not being able to have kids of my own). That he thought maybe I was clinging on to him cause he had kids and he was responsible and was trying to push things along too quick. I said that was defiantly not the case and I was hanging on a little to tightly cause I felt hime pulling away the past 3-4 weeks. (which was happening cause he was thinking all these were going on and looking at me in a different light for the past 3-4 weeks….damage done).

 

He said he has feelings for me and we have a good time but then the feelings don't stick…then we have a good time and he thinks this is great and then the feelings don't stick and that by now he feels he should be having more feelings than what he is having. (again….only together 4mos. And looking at me in a different light for 3-4 weeks due to him not talking about it with me sooner.) Up until the few weeks ago we had a great relationship and time together….alot of fun, same interests etc….Well after hearing this I said "well if this is it than there is nothing more to say and I'll just get my stuff from your house and he said I'm just trying to be honest and then I said ok then keep the stuff or throw it out it was only deodorant and a toothbrush and some perfume and he got huffy and said that's why I don't like having these conversations and I said well you can be honest that doesn't mean I have to like what your saying. And then he says "and that is it ?". well at this point I said "well, it is what it is. I can't force you to be with me". And he says "well, it wasn't my intention to come here tonight and say this and never see you again". And I said, well I can't force you and it is what it is". He said "well don't you think I should have more substantial feelings by now?" "shouldn't you know something like that when you first meet someone or if you've been friends for a long time and then realize that's the one?" I said…."well, I've been in those situations before and still here I am single and I've been in situations where it took a while for feelings to grow and I think if your holding on for it to happen just one way, you may end up alone. There are so many different variables on how people get together and end up together that you just can't predict these things."

 

He said he was just trying to be honest because (due to the above issues) he felt I was at a place in the relationship he was not and he didn't want to hurt me or waste my time. Well at this point he had to leave and go meet his kids and I said take this stuff your daughter left and give it to her. And he said "no, you can come over tomorrow and give it to her yourself and do whatever you want". I said I didn't think that was a good idea for her and I too see each other anymore to carry this on and make it harder. He said he didn't want to hurt me and was feeling pretty bad. When he left he didn't take the stuff and said he would talk to me tomorrow. (I'm thinking…for what?), but didn't say anything. The next day I didn't call him and he didn't call me. The next day I called and asked him if we could get together and talk and he said "sure, when would you like to do this". So we came up with a time. (should be tonight). In the meantime I had to borrow his truck to go get some wood for my wood stove and when I returned it he was showing me some tree's he had been cutting down and asked me if I would help him move a couple doors he was painting (which I did). And when we were walking back from the woods he saw a turkey feather on the ground and picked it up and stuck It in my hair and said "there, you look like a little Indian". We laughed and kept walking. When we got back to the house I said well I'll talk to ya and he said ok and that was that. We will probably talk tonight. I've gotten many opinions on this and a lot of people are saying they think he was just trying to clear up where we were at and that I acted to hastely in ending things. And I really don't know where things stand or if I did act hastely or if he was trying to end it.

[Scotcha]

If he told you that he didn't want you to waste your time I would believe what he said. To me that just doesn't sound very promising and I personally think that you made the right decision and managed to save some fact at the same time.

 

I could be wrong though. Your best bet is to find out from him.

[nadine_3110]

If you really like this guy, and his kids, then you'll make it work. I'd believe him if he said he didn't want to hold you back. Some ppl take more time to develop feelings in their relationships. It's not always synchronized. It's ok if you're more in love with him than he is with you. If you make it work, and you try your hardest, I can't see why it wouldn't work. You need to build a relationship before you can live in it. It takes two ppl to make this work, remember that.