This is so stupid

[missklew]

I really don't know how I could have prevented this or saw it in advance.

 

The bf and I got to talking again over the weekend.

 

Still there were some things nagging at me.

 

We had never really discussed our living arrangements when I move there. I just thought we'd be living together. So I thought it would be a good idea to ask so we could plan for it.

 

So I asked him what his plans were after I moved there. If he was planning on living with me.

 

He said no, he planned on living by himself if he could find a place.

 

I was flabbergasted!

 

I asked him why and he said because he likes being solitary.

 

There is more but I said well why on earth should I be committed to you when you aren't committed to me? I said at this point I'm not coming back. Then he tried to make light of things and change the subject by joking but I just said I was tired of talking and was going to go to work.

 

What did he think was going to happen when I got there? We have been together two years. Did he think I was just moving there and he would just come over to my house and hang out when he felt like it? The fun of a relationship but no responsibility.

 

This is just so amazingly stupid I can't believe it.

 

I didn't break up with him but I said I wasn't coming back and that things need to be resolved.

 

In my mind, I'm done unless by miracle he comes up with a commitment.

 

Why on earth would someone do this?

[Hope75]

Has this been a long distance relationship the entire two years?

 

If so, I think your bf might be on track as far as you two living apart, at least at first.

 

Going from an LDR to living together is a huge adjustment, and what is after moving in, signing a lease, and setting up all your things, one or the both of you isn't happy or realizes this isn't what you want and then what?

 

This sort of thing happens more than you think. You have an LDR, spend a total of a few weeks together at a time, and then boom you live together and find that you are unhappy and it isn't what you wanted. Little things you didn't even know about the other person start creeping up and driving you batty!

 

Steps towards moving together are a good thing. Then if things living in the same town go well, you talk about moving together in 6 months or a year, and go from there.

 

He wants you to come live in his town so you can be together more often, and he's been with you for 2 years. If that isn't commitment, than what is?

 

A separate issue is what your mutual plans are in the long term future. Is this someone you would eventually like to marry? Does he feel the same? If you share those goals, than give it a try.

[Batya33]

How long have you spent together in person? What led you to believe you would be living together? Did you just assume that and if so, why?

[missklew]

We have lived together about 6 months of the 2 years. We did that in order to see how well we got along being together 247.

 

Moving isn't just moving to another city or state but moving to another country on the other side of the world.

[missklew]

So would you just give up your job and spend thousand of dollars to move to the other side of the world just to see how you get along with someone?

[Hope75]

So would you just give up your job and spend thousand of dollars to move to the other side of the world just to see how you get along with someone?

 

I think it would depend on the person.

 

It's interesting that you have lived with him before for 6 months, but he doesn't want to live together now.

 

How did that 6 months go? Any problems?

 

Have you guys discussed long term plans, i.e. marriage?

[missklew]

I think it would depend on the person.

 

It's interesting that you have lived with him before for 6 months, but he doesn't want to live together now.

 

How did that 6 months go? Any problems?

 

Have you guys discussed long term plans, i.e. marriage?

 

We got along great. He's a bit more clingy when I'm there. I guess that is why I was so surprised by his lame excuses as he seemed to enjoy the time we spent together and wanted to be with me all the time. He

could have went back to where he lives any time but he didn't.

[Hope75]

We got along great. He's a bit more clingy when I'm there. I guess that is why I was so surprised by his lame excuses as he seemed to enjoy the time we spent together and wanted to be with me all the time. He

could have went back to where he lives any time but he didn't.

 

Well, his excuses aren't lame to him- he's got a reason- not sure if it's the one he's giving you or not.

 

So, beyond the immediate living apart, have you two talked about a time frame, such as "we'll live apart for a year and then begin looking for an apt together, or plan to get engaged at such and such a time"?

 

If you have some sort of a time line to see where this is going, that is better than moving to another country and leaving everything you know for a relationship that is as uncertain as one started with someone who lives close by you that would not interrupt your life so much.

[Batya33]

So would you just give up your job and spend thousand of dollars to move to the other side of the world just to see how you get along with someone?

 

Not without an engagement ring and a wedding date within the next few months.

[missklew]

Not without an engagement ring and a wedding date within the next few months.

 

Thank you!

 

I'd be a fool to give up all I have here on a maybe.

 

If he wants me, then he can make an effort to make me feel right about going there.

 

If he wants to see how things work out, HE can move here.

[booberry]

Right on! Be firm in your decision, now. Best of luck!

[Hope75]

Thank you!

 

I'd be a fool to give up all I have here on a maybe.

 

If he wants me, then he can make an effort to make me feel right about going there.

 

If he wants to see how things work out, HE can move here.

 

Remember that it takes TWO to work on a relationship, and the responsibility shouldn't all be on him.

 

But... after more careful thought, I think without some sort of arbitrary time line andeven informal plans to marry/get engaged/live together at some point, it would be difficult to relocate so drastically.

 

Of course with any relationship there is no guarantee, but at least an idea of permanace would be reassuring.

 

What's your next step?

[missklew]

We had a discussion about this today.

 

I asked him what his plans for us were.

 

He said, I don't know. I don't have any right now I guess. I have 1001 other stressors to worry about

[audrey]

hi missklew,

 

one question; has he ever mentioned in how much time he wants you to move to live in his country?

[missklew]

hi missklew,

 

one question; has he ever mentioned in how much time he wants you to move to live in his country?

 

I was supposed to move there in February.

[Hope75]

We had a discussion about this today.

 

I asked him what his plans for us were.

 

He said, I don't know. I don't have any right now I guess. I have 1001 other stressors to worry about

 

It sounds vague at best.

 

It does seem pretty risky to move all that way for an "I don't know where this is going or what will happen and have no plans about it."

[MysticDesertBreeze]

Have you had plans to want to move to this country he is going to even before you met your bf?? If not, and the only reason you will go is to be with him, then don't go -- not with him being unsure about everything, except the fact that the two of you will not live together!

[audrey]

you were supposed to move in february, there's no much left and he doesnt seem exticed when you ask him about your future together. i suggest you this him, dont ask him anything about future plans for both of you. instead you can tell him that you'd like to move abroad in the near future to live on your own. Dont say where exactly! just give some names of those countries you like.

i dont know if it's gonna work, but you can try. maybe, when he heards you saying you'd like to live abroad but not in his country, he'll notice that you aren't totally enough stick to the idea to live with him. if he really is interest in you he'll have to worried and you'll notice it when he starts asking more about it.

 

good luck...

[missklew]

Have you had plans to want to move to this country he is going to even before you met your bf?? If not, and the only reason you will go is to be with him, then don't go -- not with him being unsure about everything, except the fact that the two of you will not live together!

 

I knew nothing about his country before I met him. I do really love it there.

[missklew]

you were supposed to move in february, there's no much left and he doesnt seem exticed when you ask him about your future together. i suggest you this him, dont ask him anything about future plans for both of you. instead you can tell him that you'd like to move abroad in the near future to live on your own. Dont say where exactly! just give some names of those countries you like.

i dont know if it's gonna work, but you can try. maybe, when he heards you saying you'd like to live abroad but not in his country, he'll notice that you aren't totally enough stick to the idea to live with him. if he really is interest in you he'll have to worried and you'll notice it when he starts asking more about it.

 

good luck...

 

It is odd as when I am with him I am the one who is neutral. When we are apart it is hard for me. He says one thing but his actions say different. He says he wants to live alone but when I am there he wants to be with me all the time. For someone who says he wants to be alone, he sure is around a lot. The one 3 month stretch, I rented a house there and he lived there with me. Now I asked him if he was going to live with me then and he said no; but guess who was there every single day and night! He'd go to the store for me. We did the chores together. Sounds like he was living with me then!

 

The last time I was there, I said nothing about our relationship. I said nothing about coming back. He is the one who asked me when I was coming back and I just said, I don't know and didn't say anything else. He said, when you get the money to come.

 

I rented a car and went out without him. I'd be gone just a couple of hours and he'd be calling wanting to know when I'd be home.

 

There is a male friend who I met up to have coffee with one morning and the bf was so jealous! He didn't say anything but I knew.

 

My fear has to do with getting a working visa. I almost got a job the last time I was there and I got the visa right after they withdrew the offer as it took too long. So I know I am able to get the visa but it still scares me. I tell myself surely I can find a job in 6 months!

 

So if I was sure about a job, I would definitely want to go whether he was there or not.

 

I thought about another country too. Before I even met him I wanted to move somewhere else. I just really didn't know where.

 

If I stay here I don't plan to stay at this job either and I would still move somewhere else.

 

Part of me says why not go ahead and move there? I've planned for it. I have no debt or obligations. I have heaps of contacts and some friends. I guess I am afraid of failure that if I go and don't find work, I'll come back here a loser who has to start all over again.

 

And really the living together scares me some as most people get on my nerves. lol There are other men there too.

 

Plus you only live once.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

If both of you love each other, why not give it a try?

[missklew]

Well I have thought about things a bit more.

 

I have backed off and have been keeping myself busy with other things and he is making more effort.

 

I told him that I really wanted to talk to him about things before I bought any tickets back or did anything.

 

Well I got busy with work and he smses me 5 times but it was the wrong time to reply(in the shower, driving to work, in a meeting)

 

Finally he asks me if I was getting the messages. I said I was getting them fine and that I was just busy. He writes back ok he was worried the sms was messing up like it was before. Then he says have fun being busy. I think he was a little mad but oh well, I have put up with him disappearing for days to play video games or whatever. So I never did discuss us either.

 

So I am making myself less available.

 

There really are some things I have been wanting to do for myself and I haven't because of all the saving I have been doing for the move so yesterday I decided I was going to postpone going back in February and do those things. I haven't told him this and I don't plan to. I'll just wait until he asks me about it.

 

I figure if he wants me there, he'll make more of an effort.