what do u guys think of this?

[krnswte143]

hey u guys, i'm back again posting threads about my problems again hehe.

 

anyways, to refresh the story again... bf and his ex went out 13 yrs ago and dated for maybe 2-3 years or something like that. she was his first and im sure for her too. i ask my bf wouldnt the feeling still be there cus since it was their first time toghther. he said as time goes by, those feelings go away and i ask do u have any sexual feelings for her ( as in if he founds her attractive) he said he doesnt have any sexual feelings for her.. he sees her as a sister and he said it feels werid to feel that way... and i also siad i didn't like the feeling how he helps her out alot when she needs.. he said he known her for so long that he jus helps out since he sees her as a sister....and she sees him as a big brother...

 

 

after hearing this, it kinda made me feel a lot better for some reason. i know i should take his word and believe him until something happens. he says he moved on and she moved on too...

 

 

 

so do u guys think i shuoldnt worry about this?

 

Janella

[confused25]

Nope I don't think you should worry about it. I still see and hang out with my ex sometimes and when we are together I feel like we're just friends, even though we went out for 2.5 years. Since it has been 13 years since they last dated I'm sure the feelings they had for each other are probably gone now.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Don't worry about it.

 

Has your BF given you any reason to not trust him?

 

If not, then why make up a problem when there isn't one?

 

Why are you trying to control your boyfriend's friendships?

[blender]

Maybe you should get to know her better, next time he's helping her out with something, why don't you join in, so you can become friends as well. After all thier relationship was a long time ago, and if you have a trusting, loving, relationship then I think his friends should become your friends and vice versa... In the long run I don't know if it's healthy to have "friends" outside a relationship that you both don't know well... but he seems like a nice guy and also seems to be respectfully honestly answering any of your insecurities about this.. and get to know her too..

[krnswte143]

Nope I don't think you should worry about it. I still see and hang out with my ex sometimes and when we are together I feel like we're just friends, even though we went out for 2.5 years. Since it has been 13 years since they last dated I'm sure the feelings they had for each other are probably gone now.

 

yeah probably so. they live toghether now w/ her sister brother and 2 other roomates...totalling 5 people in a house. i kinda feel uneasy about this still... but since they went out so long ago.. i shouldnt worry right??

[krnswte143]

Don't worry about it.

 

Has your BF given you any reason to not trust him?

 

If not, then why make up a problem when there isn't one?

 

Why are you trying to control your boyfriend's friendships?

 

no, he hasnt really given me any doubts not to trust him.. jus things here and there i wasnt too certain of.. i guess that is how my trust/jealous issue started. i mean they went out so long ago and plus she has a boyfriend... i gues they really see each other as sis/bro....kinda hard to understand....like i posted jus now....they live toghther w/ 4 or 5 other people.. this stil makes me feel uneasy... but i shuldnt worry right

[LostInMyThoughts]

yeah probably so. they live toghether now w/ her sister brother and 2 other roomates...totalling 5 people in a house. i kinda feel uneasy about this still... but since they went out so long ago.. i shouldnt worry right??

 

Well worry if you want to, but I think if you dwell on it, you'll sabotage the relationship.

 

If he isn't hiding anything about his relationship with her, then I dont see the problem.

 

I'm in a similar sitation. My gf is letting a close friend of hers stay with her while he's dealing with a divorce. They dated like 7 years ago, and now they're just like brother and sister. I personally do not care. I'm glad she told me about their history, and I'm glad she has a really good friend. If she wants to be foolish to ruin our relationship with this guy, then it's her loss, not mine.

[blender]

If she has a boyfriend, and she and your guy dated sooo long ago.. let this go.. it's nice to know he can have a meaningful honest friendship with an ex, that is a good sign. Be careful not to project onto him all YOUR insecurities, you asked him, he answered, now trust him..

[LostInMyThoughts]

Be careful not to project onto him all YOUR insecurities, you asked him, he answered, now trust him..

 

Great advice!!!

[krnswte143]

Be careful not to project onto him all YOUR insecurities, you asked him, he answered, now trust him..

 

hehe true i agree with it too. i showed him way too much time of how jealous or insecured i was w/ this situation. but now i look at it and see how foolish and dumb i became. he is still w/ me after all the drama we been through. i guess i won't worry about it anymore.

 

i need to learn to trust him more.. it driven me to the point of snooping around. i confess to my boyfriend of what i done. he understood and siad he isnt hiding anything. he ask me why i did it.. i siad i had to clarify that nothing was going on . but i think everything will be fine now.

 

i got one thing im not too ok w/ .. he helps her out a lot thats how isee it.. he says he known her for so long thats why... should i be ok w/ it?

[blender]

Would you cheat on him with one of your exes? Is this why you are so suspicious of him because YOU are capable of doing such a thing? It doesn't seem to me that he's given you any reason to doubt him. Snooping around because you are not a trusting person, has little to do with his situation, I have a feeling this says more about you. It's okay to feel insecure, it's how you handle it that defines your character.

 

Take time to find out what it is that is bothering you so much, I don't think it's about HIM or anything HE and his ex have done, they are friends, he seems to understand friendship, loyalty, kindness, respect, do you understand these qualities? Or has this "issue" just become a bad habit for you, and you are haning on to this pattern until you make it so uncomfortable for him that you force an unhappy result just to prove that your insecurities are justified..

 

Take time to breathe and let go, and be trusting, if you can not learn to trust, then it's very hard to build a relationship on this kind of emotional quicksand... start building something authentic, real, trusting, kind, respectful and take him at his word.. it's up to him to make his word true or not... time will tell, but really what is the alternative? You stay with him and constantly questions his friendships? That's not fair to him or you... so let go and trust that he is friends and cares about this woman, I bet he's like that with his family, other friends, you.. right? Why not look at the positive in all this, he's a great guy who cares about people...

[krnswte143]

no, i will never cheat on him w/ my exes or any other guys. im not like that . i know better. as far as how i feel about certain things like him helping out for her.. it makes me feel like they are in a relationship and im just a friend of his. its nice of him to help out people. i have no hard feelings on that. its the feeling that i get sometimes.. like im 2nd best and she is his first prority or what not. maybe i see things differently than her and him.. maybe they think its ok cus nothings goin on...but i see it as if they are not over each other or something.

 

so n e ways i think everything wil ok if i try to understand n see the situation in a big picture.

[blender]

I'm sure it's not easy to have another woman getting some of his attention, even if she were ACTUALLY his sister, so I understand that it's tough for you sometimes. Are you friends with her too??

[krnswte143]

no, i choose not to. i dont like her jus for the fact how she depends on my bf for everything pretty much.. and for thefact she had history w/ my boyfriend...she was cool before but i jus didnt like how she acted. she never says hi to me when i go over his house ( they live toghhter w/ 5 other ppl) if u didnt know. i use to say hi and smile at her but she jus didnt "seem" interested to say hi.. maybe im wrong but thats the vibe i get from her. so i stopped being nice to her and i don say hi to her anymore nor do i even look at her. i try to think she doestn even exisit lol.

 

she doesnt like me either cus for the fact she thinks i have somthing against her past ( her and my bf)

 

 

basically we both dont like each other. but i still go over his house cus jus he invites me. i spend the night from friday-sunday and leave sunday night. i really dislike leaving the house cus i should be the one staying and her leaving..but as the situation is theres nothin i could do now .

 

i wish i couldve gotten to know her better but it jus happened like this. nothing i can do to change.

 

so now, im just in my world w/ mybf i dont really care about her and what she does anymore. all i know for sure if she wasnt in teh picture..THINGS WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER. bu t i cant tell mybf not to be her friend that would be wrong and selfish of me. so i gotta 1. accept this or 2. just leave.

[blender]

of course you can change this, start by just having a different attitude towards her, sure you can not control how she responds, but the "goodness and maturity" can start with YOUR behavior. Don't hold it against her that she once went out with your boyfriend, that was BEFORE you were in his life, she didn't do anything wrong.. so why resent her?

 

Try a different approach, one of kindness towards her, next time you are over there ask her how she is doing, talk to her in a friendly kind way, this will make YOU feel better about yourself, make your boyfriend feel more comfortable about you, and then she has the opportunity to come around and be your friend. The healing can start with you.

 

I promise you will feel better if you treat her with kindness. right? Why would it feel good to hold this anxiety towards her so tightly and not let go of it and see if a different attitude and behavior towards her might actually make everything better?

 

If nothing else you can feel better about yourself if you are more kind and respectful towards her. No matter her response, just be kind, and see if it doesn't have a positive effect on you, her, your boyfriend, the whole situation.

 

Don't you think it would be nice to change this into a positive feeling?

[krnswte143]

you are right. i did told myself to try to be nice and say hi to her again . but wouldnt it be werid if im all of sudden tryin to talk to her? it would be a bit awkard.. but i will try my best. bf did ask me to jus to say hi and dont need t start any convo if i didnt want to.. he says jus to be nice n say hi at least. he doesnt expect me to be her best buddy or anything.. which i dont want too. maybe to the point of being in a good term so we both dont hate each other. hehe

[blender]

It's starts with baby steps, just try out saying hello, and asking her how she's doing, like: "how are you doing today, anything new with you?' She might be a bit surprised at first, but trust that in life, you get more bees with honey, being sweet and kind will always make you feel better about yourself, and it will also make you a more attractive person, in all areas of your life.

 

I'm sure if you start to be more respectful and kind to her, she will do the same to you, and who knows she just might actually turn out to be your friend.. but one thing at a time, and for now all that matters is that YOU start to feel better about YOURSELF, and I think you will see that being kind to her and asking her how she's doing, will make YOU feel so much better... it just will, plain and simple, you will feel more mature, more secure and your boyfriend will want you around at his house a whole lot more.. because it will become more comfortable and not such an issue..

 

I know it won't be easy to make this change, but it's so worth it, then you will really find out more about her and what she is really like and the whole time you will start to feel better about yourself..

 

Believe me, if you start acting more civil and she does NOT respond in a positive way, well it will only reflect positively on you... you can not control how she responds to your kindness but don't you think it's worth a try?

[krnswte143]

hehe yeah. i'll give a try and see how it goes. and if she doent respond in a nicely way.. all i know is that i tried.

 

it'll be hard tho becus i have something against her.... of her telling my bf i am not right/good person for him that he could do so much better.. to me she wants him to break up w/ me ..making me look like the bad guy... u wanna kno something else....same day she told him this he broke it up w/ me..maybe he broke it up for other reasons but i think this is the reason he did....this was a month ago...but we got back toghther to give another try anyways.

 

 

 

but anyways, i'll try to be nice to her and see how it goes.

[blender]

Well, maybe as his friend she sensed your hostility towards her and she misinterprets it as you not being so emotionally healthy.. and she thought that might be a burden for him and she might have thought he should be with someone who is more understanding, confident, mature, secure, etc..but who cares what SHE thinks, it's about how YOU feel about YOURSELF. And I have a feeling holding this anger towards her is not making you feel so good.

 

She is not the one who tells him what to do, he seems like he makes his own choices.. so don't blame him for what she says or does.. that is HER problem, treat her with kindness, and if she doesn't respond positively than that says more about HER.. and that is her problem..

 

So don't worry about her, worry about yourself and how you choose to behave, that is all that matters, in this relationship or any one you might have in the future... start by setting standards and values for YOUR own life and how you wish to behave, and treat people.

 

This is not a competition with her, so don't make it one. She does not matter in the big picture.

 

It's about YOU and how YOU want to behave, so become someone who you yourself would admire, be kind, be attentive, listen, and then in time you will be able to see her more clearly and if she continues to involve herself in making comments to your boyfriend that are negative about you, well then you might want to tell your boyfriend, that you are not interested in what SHE thinks of you, you only care about how you feel about yourself and how he feels about you, plain and simple. That is being classy.

[krnswte143]

thanks blender for the advices!! its good to hear postive things. you are right. i shouldnt care what she has to say about me or what not. so, i'll give another try and see how it goes.

[blender]

Good for you, you have CLASS AND STYLE, and it will stay with you the rest of your life by choosing to behave a certain way.. heck I'm sure your boyfriend would have just a tough a time if the situation were reversed and you were living with your ex.. so show how much maturity and class you have by being kind and letting go of anything she has to say about you.

[krnswte143]

yeah thanks a bunch!

[caro33]

I think blender's advice is really good, and being at least civil to this girl is the decent and righteous thing to do.

 

You can always look at this from a strategic perspective as well, that whole 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' thing. You are better able to defuse your insecurities and see the 'truth' if the two of them are relaxed around you. You may even find that you see a whole new side to her, and she may even be the one to help you with your insecurities about him.

 

Here she is, bestest buds with your b/f for 13 years, living with him, loves him like a sister and has seen him through life since he was a teenager. It seems that you only have things to gain by opening your heart a bit to her and getting to know her better. Gives you insight into him, helps you feel less alienated, you might make a new friend, means she's less likely to criticise you to him.....etc

[krnswte143]

im planning on breaking up with him. i got the email all ready to be sent now... but i am afraid to do it.. i dont know. i know i want to be with him.. but after all this stuff... i dont know.. i neeed suggestions before i send him that email...

 

should i or not?

[caro33]

im planning on breaking up with him. i got the email all ready to be sent now... but i am afraid to do it.. i dont know. i know i want to be with him.. but after all this stuff... i dont know.. i neeed suggestions before i send him that email...

 

should i or not?

 

 

Okay I responded to your other thread before I read this. Are you asking us if you should send an email to break up?

 

Nooooooo!!!!

 

PM me if you like, esp if you want to send an email at all, and want a second opinion.

 

But give yourself some space here if you can, you might genuinely want to do things differently in a few hours/days. You owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to make the time to discuss this face-to-face.