Warning Signs / Red Flags !!!!!

[BONO]

Ladies and Gents of EnotAlone .. and Majord23 !

 

 

 

Given this forum, of "getting back together".

 

What are the warning signs to a break up ??

 

We must by now, know !

 

 

Name 3 and help us !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[Biffy]

The only warning sign I got was "You Have Mail"

 

Not particularly helpful, no... but true!

[Dako]

You can see them afterward, but they often resemble rountine bumps in the road. The only glaring sign I've seen is when they voluntarily spend less time with you and seem hypercritical.

 

Unfortunately, by that time, plans are in motion.

[W1nter]

I didn't see any warning signs before it happened, but it did. I think I see some warning signs now, and the funny thing is when we talked about them at the time, it was like neither of us wanted to admit it.

 

She was pretty depressed, taking anti-anxiety pills, when I asked her about this and genuinely care and wanted to help her with whatever was the problem, she told me it was school. She is a university student and taking classes full time and when not in class she was studying.. so I let her know if there was anything I can do to help, I'd do it.

 

But now that I look back, I don't think it was just school that was making her unhappy. I don't know /what/ it was, but I don't think it was just school.

 

So.. a warning sign might be unexplained/poorly explained depression or unhappiness. It's a tough one, though.

[ebsmith1]

Hmmm.. the trip to the jewlery store to recall the story of our engagment to the girl who sold us the ring should have been a sign I guess....but I was floored.

[annie24]

1) they don't seem as excited to see you or spend time with you

2) they seem distracted while they are with you

3) they don't do things they used to - ie, if they always called on a monday night to see how your day was, that stops... or becomes not every week.

[BetterKarma]

1) they are distancing themselves from you

2) always sad or depressed but can't explain why to you or gives a chessy explanation

3) doesn't care about your feelings anymore and tells you to go hang out with your friends more

[Clementine orange]

You never close your eyes any more

When I kiss your lips

And there's no tenderness like before

In your fingertips

 

Now there's no tenderness

In your eyes when I reach for you

And girl you're starting to criticize

little things I do

 

"you've lost that lovin' feeling" by I'm not sure who but it seems to fit

[Dako]

Those pompadoured Righteous Brothers.

What a name!

 

I should talk, being christened Dako Victor Omnipotent..

[Clementine orange]

Ah yes, Dako thanks, you saved me a google search - I was thinking Long John Baldry too though I think. It's funny, sometimes those "hurtin' songs" really fit the bill.

[SuperDave71]

Hey Guys,

 

 

I wanted to put in my two cents worth here as I think it's a great topic.

 

I feel that most of us have found the warning signs AFTER a break-up instead of during. Unfortunately it tends to be too late for some.

 

"Love is Blind" they say. It is so much easier after a break-up to say "Now I know they wanted to go out with their buddies so much"...or "I think I will just stay at home tonight"..etc etc..

 

Three major warning signs in NO particular order would be:

 

 

 

1. Distance - any distance or reason they would not call nor want to see you for a prolonged amount of time.

 

2. Phone calls/ text messages that go unanswered. When things are great,phone calls and texts flurish...when there is tension for whatever reason....distance starts to kick in

 

3. You hear the famous words "He/ She is JUST A FRIEND"....Let me preface this one. If your ex get a phone call and they go into another room to talk...'DANGER".

 

 

These of course are just some of my thoughts but I did like the premise.

 

 

Great topic guys!

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[heyduh]

hmm interesting ... i have to say that i saw several usual warning signs .. BUT the two thing that completely baffled me was:

 

 

if i ever asked what was wrong, she denied it and gave reasonable sounding explanations ... (stressed from work, blah blah) ... perhaps it was just hard to admit to herself, how could she tell me?

 

.. and she was still very very passionate when we got busy

 

in the end, the mixed signals are going to drive you insane.

[Dako]

My ex got really busy right up to the end.

Stocking up for a drought, I suppose.

[BONO]

Thanks - great insight.

 

Yet once you get a red flag - and you have not put it down to *stress* or being *tired* etc;

 

 

What do you do ?

 

 

Alot of people want to get their GF/BF back (so to speak ) before the dreaded/fateful conversation of " Its not you, its me " Blah blah

 

 

Scruff

[SuperDave71]

Scruff,

 

 

I find that once a "red flag" has been thrown.....It is hard NOT to assume something is going or has been going on.

 

As an example, the ex's phone rings while you are there, they get up and it's their work..and they walk in the next room and they finish and come back in the room and we BLOW UP. They of course get upset at us for assuming and BOOM..you have a BAD situation...period.

 

Now, if there was NO red flag in the first place....would we think twice about it? I doubt it.

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[BONO]

Scruff,

 

 

I find that once a "red flag" has been thrown.....It is hard NOT to assume something is going or has been going on.

 

As an example, the ex's phone rings while you are there, they get up and it's their work..and they walk in the next room and they finish and come back in the room and we BLOW UP. They of course get upset at us for assuming and BOOM..you have a BAD situation...period.

 

Now, if there was NO red flag in the first place....would we think twice about it? I doubt it.

 

 

 

SuperDave71

 

 

So how do you manage a direct red flag before it's tooo late ??

 

I have read your threads. With hindsight, you have pinpointed red flags.

 

What would you do know if you were given one ??

 

Thanks in advance

 

 

 

 

Scruff

 

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[SuperDave71]

Scruff,

 

 

The way I look at this is to propose another question...

 

 

If you knew there was a bomb in the building, would you ignore it ini hopes it would go away or would you tell someone?

 

 

Hmmmmm...

 

 

what would you do?

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Firedancer03]

Well I suppose I am one of the few who never got any red flags Right up until the end, he always called me, was always very attentive and loving, always wanted to be with me and be around me. Heck, 2 weeks before we left to back to university (I was going back shortly after him but he had to train for a job) he even drove 2 hours to come to my house to visit me (we were in a LDR over the summer). He even called me during the 2.5 weeks that he was down at school before I got here and asked me to come down earlier so that we could be together. And then a few days later he broke up with me. I'm sure that there must have been some signs right?? It has been 2 months since our breakup and I still cant think of any outward behavioral changes in the way he acted towards me or when we talked on the phone. Everything was just like normal right up until the end, thats why it was such a shock. I wish there would have been some blatant or even subtle signs so at least I would have known it was coming. Or so that I could have at least have been able to look back and say "ohhhh, no wonder!" but nope, nothing

[annie24]

hm. maybe it is for the best. I mean, if someone can hide their emotions so tightly that you cannot tell what is going on in their head, maybe they are kind of .... off. like, i mean, they can pretend like everything is perfect for years, and then one day fake their own death and run off. I see those stories on dateline and 48 hours a lot. the whole, "perfect marriage, perfect father" no one saw anything coming, and the next thing the family knows - he dies in a tragic accident and the family finds out years later that he is living in the french riviera with a stewardess he met on a previous business trip.

 

LOL. anyways. maybe it is for the best that you didn't wind up with someone who can't show you how they feel inside. I mean, wouldn't you rather be with someone who tries to work out problems with you rather than just running off one day?

[moonflowers]

A few signs I experienced myself, and only realized after the fact:

 

1) Condescending remarks / lack of respect - To him I just couldn't do anything right in the last four months we were together.

 

2) Extra distance - excuses to stay away, go on trips without you, etc.

 

3) Having unresolved personal issues that eventually leak into the relationship.

 

This is more of a problem that should be addressed at the very start of a relationship, and not really a red flag, but on looking back I realize that I really did a lot of things out of my own desperate needs, without taking his into account. Even though I swore I loved him like crazy, my personal issues (insecurity, codependency, etc.) won out in my subconscious, and dominated my behavior, which helped drive him away.

[BONO]

Scruff,

 

 

The way I look at this is to propose another question...

 

 

If you knew there was a bomb in the building, would you ignore it ini hopes it would go away or would you tell someone?

 

 

Hmmmmm...

 

 

what would you do?

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

This is what I would do - assuming that you are not living with each other.

 

1) Note your concerns of the percieved red flag, calm and logically to your partner.

 

2) Withdraw. This allows a period of reflection on both sides and shows through your *actions* that you have noted a red flag that they need to explain to you.

 

3) Let them come to you. Anxiety tends to motivate us to go to them. They gave you a warning sign, its up to them to justify it.

 

4)If they dont come to you say within 4 days ( for whatever reasons ) go to them. Do not hide behind emails. Meet them and /or phone them.

 

5) Through negotiation, compromise and perhaps getting them to empathises ie " How would you feel if I did x" a solution should be met

 

6)If still stalemate, then a conversation about the future of the relationship has to occur.

 

 

Remember: Actions speak louder than words.

 

 

Red flags and warning signs are just that; ACTIONS.

 

 

 

Scruff

[Firedancer03]

is the whole actions speak louder than words also true during/post breakup? If they tell you that they want to break up but then their actions say something completely different? Like going out of their way to talk to you, hug you, invite you to places, come over, call you back right away even when you are making little to no efforts to contact them? Are these the actions of someone who does not want to be with you?

[BONO]

I would say this.

 

Once your GF/BF breaks it off. Then its off.

 

The above signs are not actions to get you back - but merely security reactions.

 

Signs just enough to keep you close so you dont move on, but not too close.

 

If you want to find whether these security reactions have any depth - do not react to them.

[annie24]

is the whole actions speak louder than words also true during/post breakup? If they tell you that they want to break up but then their actions say something completely different? Like going out of their way to talk to you, hug you, invite you to places, come over, call you back right away even when you are making little to no efforts to contact them? Are these the actions of someone who does not want to be with you?

 

Yeah, I agree with scruff. once someone has said, 'it's over', then it's over, even if they are going out of their way to talk to you. it is true, a lot of people want a backup plan or a safety cushion until they meet their next bf/gf. I gaurantee you that if he met a new woman tomorrow, you would barely hear from him.

[booberry]

I think a BIG warning side to on oncoming breakup is the sex stops.