What to do, what to do....

[TornTattered]

Ok... some of you all may have read my situation. But it really doesnt matter that much. Lets just point out there there was no cheating or abuse ... and the relationship ended due to distance, and grass is greener blah blah.

 

So now up to date : We have talked a few times since the break. Each one was initiated by myself. The talks went pretty well, and there was no talk of reconcilitation, or missing you, or take me back. It was just normal talk about how everything is going.

 

Well... 2 days ago she contacts me. This is way out of the blue for me cause i did not expect it. I really didnt expect her to ever initiate a conversation with me. I was at the point of giving up. I decided that it was never gonna happen and i gave up hope. Then this happens. She talked about how she was feeling down and went home to her parents ( home with the parents on a weekend?? in college?). Also abotu how she misses my mom.. asked about the family.. etc. Said that she thinks about it sometimes. I keep it cool, and i end the conversation later. She ends it with a playful bye.

 

 

Then last night she contacted me again .. but i was asleep. Left a message on my away saying what i wrote was weird and that i was funny. She knows that i have a sense of humor, so why did she tell me this? Hell for that matter... why is she checking out my away messages/profile?

 

What am i supposed to do here? It seems to me that she is missing me. But that means nothing. Do I ask her what her intentions are? This is eating me up here. I was finally not hurting anymore and now i have to wonder what she is contacting me for. What should i do?I dont want to give out an ultimatum. I do still want to be with this girl. And i dont want to screw it up.

[confused25]

I think she's trying to get back with you. If you are interested, why don't you just give it a try? But only when you're ready.

[TornTattered]

Im just afraid of jumping to conclusions here. Is the best course of action here to contact her and ask her why all the sudden contact? Or should i just initiate a conversation .. and eventually ask it.

[majord23]

Im just afraid of jumping to conclusions here. Is the best course of action here to contact her and ask her why all the sudden contact? Or should i just initiate a conversation .. and eventually ask it.

 

If someone you just met started contacting you more than expected or started flirting with you, would you ask them what they were doing? Or would you wait and see?

 

This is no different. Treat her as you would someone you are interested in that you think *may* be interested in you. No games, no second-guessing and no getting ahead of yourself.

 

Take it as it comes and see what happens.

[TornTattered]

Thankyou Majord! That makes a whole lot more sense than what i was thinking.

 

edit: One question though... when ive first met anyone in the past that i thought may be interested in me, i talked to them. This is my ex though. So should i contact her like i would anyone else( with a casual conversation of course), or just wait til she contacts me.

[Captain34]

Majord, I gotta say that most of the time you are on point.

 

wait and see T&T, patience is a virtue.

 

don't initiate contact and please dont be the one to broach teh topic of your relationship!

[majord23]

Thankyou Majord! That makes a whole lot more sense than what i was thinking.

 

No prob mate. I know it's hard when you guys are familiar with each other, but if you can keep your 'old emotions' out of it for the time-being and view it as an entirely new and separate situation, I think you'll be on the right track.

[TornTattered]

Yeah.. id say ive stayed pretty good on keeping the emotions out of it. Ive never talked about the past with her, asked her back only once( during the breakup) , and ive kept to myself. Weeks between any conversation. I have stayed pretty patient so far, i should be fine. I just wanted to get a second oppinion on how i should handle it.

[Firedancer03]

Hmmm, she sounds identical to my ex! We're in the exact same situation! As soon as I stopped caring about whether or not he would contact me so I could start healing, *BAM* he contacts me and shows strong signs of missing me.

 

If I were you, I would take things slow, like majord said. You dont want to come on too strong at the first signs of the ex missing you because they might stop dead in their tracks and run the other way. Just take it slow, and if she doesn't contact you again for a week or so, dont sweat it. If there hasnt been any contact between you two for a week or so and you feel like contacting her, just drop a line to say hi! Dont pressure her and ask her what her intentions are, this would most likely cause her to feel cornered. Just take things easy, like you would a *crush*. Hard to do, I know! Good luck, and keep us updated!

[TornTattered]

Thanks firedancer.... i still dont expect her to contact me. I really would have rather her not have contacted me cause now i get the " when is she going to talk to me" and the " should i talk to her?" As i was planning on not talking to her til i got home ( less than a month). And then out of the blue she gets my hopes up a little. BAH. .. o well. I just gotta cool down here.

 

Ill keep you all posted on any future progress.

[heloladies21]

If you have any doubts as to her true intentions, you need to clear them up asap, otherwise you're gonna have her on your mind and won't be able to move on for good no matter how much NC you do.

 

You're not trying to court this chick, so this pseudo dating thing isn't gonna improve your chances any. Just the opposite, you're gonna give her the false impression that you are ok with not being together with her, or that you're cool with a FWB at best, and this means in the end you'll develop a lot of false hope and get broken when she drops you for someone else who's serious about her.

 

Are you serious about her? Show her. Ask her very straight up what she's looking for here. Then at that point you can decide to either try again or let it go and move on. Doing it any other way is just a bunch of game playing and reading into hidden intentions and doesn't work anyways.

[TornTattered]

Well.. thats pretty contradicting to the other advice heloladies. This seems like it would give me less of a chance of reconciliation.

[heloladies21]

Hey, don't take my word for it. Go through all of the posts of guys in your situation and find me one that has gotten his ex back by this method. Not counting my personal experience (which supports my view), but I've never seen one guy who has gotten back into a stable long term relationship by doing this hanging around in limbo thing. I have seen a few guys get their exes back by doing what I suggest, but in all the other cases the guy gets over his ex, feels better, and never looks back. It's win-win.

 

Hanging around in the background simply does not work.

[TornTattered]

hmm.. i see what you are getting at here. what do u suggest i do in this situation then. Contact her and ask? Wait for her to contact and ask? im confused

[heloladies21]

Contact her. You need to reach down deep and get the guts to stick up for yourself. Feel like a go getter and go get the answer you're looking for. Stop waiting for her to come to you. You're the one with a question, so it's up to you to ask her.

[Firedancer03]

So are you saying here that showing someone that you're serious about them means asking them right out what their intentions are? Hmm, that may work in some situations, but its been my personal experience that straight up asking someone whether or not they're interested in dating you achieves a negative response/result, especially in the very early stages. It just puts pressure on the other person to make a decision about dating you if they are just trying to take things slow and see where it leads. Its also been in my experience that the best way to show someone that you're serious about them is to show them in your actions, show them that you are interested and that you care. Then after a fair amount of time if things seem to be getting off the ground, then you have a talk about it to see where its going. Of course, this is just my opinion, and I respect your views on this subject.

 

T&T, just do what you feel is the best course of action for you, whatever feels right in your heart. Trust your gut instinct, its usually worked for me

[heloladies21]

No they had a relationship and broke up. He wants to get back together so it's different than if things were at the beginning.

[majord23]

Hey, don't take my word for it. Go through all of the posts of guys in your situation and find me one that has gotten his ex back by this method. Not counting my personal experience (which supports my view), but I've never seen one guy who has gotten back into a stable long term relationship by doing this hanging around in limbo thing. I have seen a few guys get their exes back by doing what I suggest, but in all the other cases the guy gets over his ex, feels better, and never looks back. It's win-win.

 

Hanging around in the background simply does not work.

 

I would usually agree with this, but not on this occasion. There don't seem to be any major issues in the break-up (unless T&T hasn't mentioned them).

His ex's behaviour is far less ambiguous than most - to the objective eye, her behaviour has changed significantly seemingly without any major trigger apart from time and distance.

I think to 'call her on it' by asking what her intentions are may have her running for the hills, when just waiting a few weeks might have her taking more positive steps towards reconciliation.

 

As for using this 'method' to get an ex back - hell, I've done it. Going back a few years, an ex dumped me, I went no contact and 4 months later she reappeared with a few ambiguous emails. I didn't pounce on her and ask her what she wanted - I just treated her like a new girl that had entered my life....we got back together 2 months later and were together for over a year.

I have no doubt that if I had asked her what her motivation was for contacting me at the beginning that I would have lost the opportunity to go out with her again.

 

T&T aint 'hanging around in limbo', he isn't being her friend in the hope that she will magically fall in love with him - I don't see it as being one of those situations that you (and I) think should be avoided at all costs. I think this particular case is different.

 

There has been a break-up, there has been time apart, there have been no major issues since the break-up, she hasn't used him as a 'crutch.....and now she certainly seems to be making the right 'sounds'.

 

I say wait and see. No sudden movements.

[TornTattered]

Well.. if this helps a little bit, she left me due to a combination of distance and the grass is greener. Apparently the grass isnt too much greener cause she isnt with another guy right now, and she felt the need to talk to me. But i could be wrong... i only know what she has told me, and by intuition.

 

I would really like to know what her true intentions are as to why she started to talk to me. But... i dont feel in my gut that it will help in any way. I think id rather take it a little bit slower. I dont there there is any reason to rush it now, as ive been pretty patient to begin with. We all want a quick fix. But that is usually not the case. The moment i will call this dead is the moment i see her and dont see the spark in her eyes.. or mine.

 

No need to check the pulse just yet. Of course... i do appreciate the tips, this just seems like too much of a jump. And i dont want to push it.