She can't cope with me

[anotherperson]

I feel immensely rejected at the moment from my girlfriend of 2.5 years. I had a troublesome childhood, that has left me with an anxiety disorder. In the last few months my girlfriend has also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as a result of her suffering panick attacks and light depression. Her therapist doesn't think that I am the cause of this, but rather her relationship with her father as she was growing up. Her parents can hardly tolerate eachother but still live under the same roof. They would rather brush the issue under the carpet than deal with it and save the marriage. This has had an effect over the years on my girlfriend and subsequently she is finding daily tasks in life difficult as a result. For example she is extremely conscious of what people think of her, etc. I should point out we are in our mid 20s.

 

Myself and my girlfriend live together (for the past year) and things have been going great in that regard. However our sex life has suffered somewhat as she for most of that time tried to figure out why she was feeling down a lot of the time. It was blamed on this and that, and when she'd fix this or that our sex life would improve, but then it would crash down again because the issue she addressed was not really the root of the problem. For example, she got her career in order and things improved, but then she felt that she was not working hard enough, so back down in came again. Then she felt that she was overweight, so it came down again, then she started going out more to meet the girls and it improved again, then she started to earn more money so it improved again, then she got sick and back down it came. She gets sick on average every 6 weeks.

 

As a result of my condition I have spoken with counsellors because I don't want my issues to impact on our relationship. I have had little success to date. I have arranged to meet a new councellor in the next week. At 4am this morning for example, she called me to the bathroom to help her relax as she was feeling physically sick as a result of a stomach condition she was diagnosed with. Of course I helped her and as a result I took the day off work to be there for her. So far all day she and I have argued because she has been reading medical articles online and believes she has yet another condition. She has become extremely irritable as a result of all this pain and stress she is under to get better. However she is getting mail from work all the time telling her that she is not needed and to make sure she takes the time to get better. Yet she is yelling at me telling me that she needs to get better and ends up only making herself more stressed as a result.

 

The main thing out of all of this that annoys me the most is that when we visit her friends or family she seems perfectly OK. She may (occasionally)tell them that she is not feeling well, but has a smile on her face and laughs and enjoys herself. They know about her various conditions, but at the time she is with them, she is able to act and behave like nothing is wrong. As soon as we're alone she's telling me that she feels awful and to bring her home to bed and that she is depressed as a result of all of this pain. It annoys me that if she is in so much pain she can switch like that in front of others. So we argued about this and she said that she depends on me because I live with her and that if she was living at home, she would depend on them. She says she doesn't need everybody to see her sick, that it wouldn't make her a good person if she went around moping all the time to everyone. She also tells me that I am just to be her boyfriend and not try to help her all the time, and that I can't because I'm not a doctor. This annoys me because, Yes!, I am not a doctor and subsequently I cannot treat her medical condition, but I can help her in other ways, and depending on her current mood she will let me do this or not.

 

She tells me that my anxiety is only making her worse, so I drove her to her mothers just there to spend time apart. Although this is not what I wanted, she insists that she must look after herself and that if it requires her getting away from me, then so be it. What annoys me is that she is probably down there in her mothers now saying something like "I don't feel well, and I'm stressing her out, so she needed time apart". She will then watch TV with her mother or go shopping and enjoy herself, instead of holding her stomach and groaning all the time.

 

I need advice. I love her very much, but she is sick all the time, and one minute she is telling me she depends on me. Then another she is making feel useless and unappreciated, like I am the cause of her sickness. I understand that she is sick and tired of being sick and she has specifically said only today that she wishes she could just be brought in to hospital for a few days where they could carry out as much tests as they liked and treatment, etc, as long as it would fix her for good. I believe her when she says this.

 

Is she being unfair to me, or am I the one who is wrong?

[NJRon]

I think a little of both is in order here... she shouldn't be blaming you for her issues. She needs to take responsibility for herself. It seems when she does, she feels better. When she lets go of that control over her own well-being, she feels worse.

 

You acting as a caretaker only exacerbates the problem. You need to allow her to take care of herself. If you continue to forfeir your needs in favor of hers, it will only get worse.

 

You are right to seek counseling... she should follow your example. However, by that, I mean follow your example... not your advice and not your urging. Focus on letting go of being her caretaker and getting yourself in order. Loveingly detach yourself from her.

 

She needs to figure this stuff out on her own. If it continues to affect your relationship, then that is an entirely different issue that you need to think about.

[blender]

You can NOT heal each other, you both need to take time to be on your own and "heal yourselves".... These "patterns" of emotional turmoil were in place in your life and hers long before the two of you got together. It is not a result of your relationship, it is the result of childhood issues that by being drawn together you feel you can "re-do" or "fix" the pain in your own lives, but this is not going to work...

 

take time to be on your own if you can, in a loving way have a talk and be honest, and might say something along the lines of:

 

"I'm worried for both of us and the pattern we are falling into, I don't want to keep this type of "up and down" rollercoaster going, so I think we might want to get some individual therapy and some couples counseling to help us break the bad habits we are getting into of blaming each other, or one of us being victim and care giver... we both deserve better, and no one is to blame here, we just need to get some help, because we do love each other and we can inspire each other to be "better" and not get stuck in a destructive pattern that will leave us both resentful and unhappy in the long run, so let's give "US" the best opportunity here by having the courage to get some help to heal our own hearts first, before we destroy each others..."

 

If she has a negative reaction to this positive honest approach, then you have to think about going out on your own and taking care of YOU, because without YOU there can be no "US".

 

Please don't lose yourself because you are afraid of losing her... There is no healthy her without a "healthier you".... I think you might need to do this all in baby steps, but do not lose sight of your goal, and I think that is, YOU want to have the best for you and her and it's going to take some tears, honesty, courage, and change to get there... GO FOR IT... you can do this,.. stop this unhealthy pattern right now.. one step at a time.. starting with you taking care of your own unhealthy pattern of "rescuer".

[Juliana]

DEEEETAACCHHHH.

 

Capisce? You have to detach. You're getting sucked into her problems, her health issues, her emotions, her life. No wonder her hair is standing on end; she can't deal with how she feels about her life, and now she has to deal with how you feel about it? That's not going to work.

 

So right now, make up your mind, you are putting your life and your concerns first. You must never take a day off work to sit with her because she's sick. That's ridiculous, I'm sorry. Buy her flowers on your way home from work, but unless she needs to go to the hospital, and you have to drive her there, you go to work.

 

People who are mentally ill can only live with other people if those people don't get caught up in their illness. Just appreciate what you like about her, listen sympathetically without advising or judging her, and get on with your life.

[studbaker99]

one word - co-dependent. I've been down that path and after a while it felt like i was walking on eggshells. Nothing I could do would please her, and she'd snap off on the littlest things. It may look hard now for you to see this, because you associate your love for her as the same thing as taking care of her, which , in normal relationships, it is the same thing, but when one partner is too needy, that's when you start losing yourself.