0% Confidence

[Steve_B]

Hello there.

 

Its been nearly 3 weeks now where i have been single from a longterm relationship that lasted about 2 years or so..

 

Anyway, apart from being completely depressed wanting to top myself and crying myself to sleep everynight, i have no confidence at all when trying to meet new people.

 

I'm 19 years old, live in England in a small town and go clubbing quite often, before i go out i feel very enthusiastic to "pull" and feel i can do it! But when i am in the club and the music is pumpin i lose all my senses, i just start thinking about my damn ex and how her life is perfect with her new bloke.. I can't see how it is possible at all to meet someone new. At the moment all i can think about is to get rid of this crappy pain i have, and the only way to do that is to meet someone new!

Ever since i was 14 i have been in a relationship and both relationships have broken up with me for new people. Everyone says to me "Your young! you'll easily find someone else!" etc. This does not help me AT ALL, i know all thier trying to do is help but the more they say it the more it means nothing.

All my mates have no problem, girls just tend to be attracted to them and approach them.

Going out clubbing just makes me depressed now... It just reminds me how worthless i am.

 

i remember from my first break up i felt like this, maybe worse but i found someone else very quickly as they approached me one day.

 

I have a MASSIVE fear of being shut down, and rejected its like in my head i KNOW it will happen. And another thing that makes me sound even more shallow is that my ex was the most beautiful woman i have ever met, shes so hot! and all i'm thinking is "she has to be hotter then her!".

 

Does anyone have any tips or advice to give me, i feel so lost and have mixxed emotions. And feel free to say "yes your shallow, get a grip!"

 

ta.

[HappyKat]

Hi there, Steve--

 

I know it sucks, this post-breakup depression thing--I am about 8 weeks out of a 4 year relationship myself. That said, I can honestly tell you that it DOES get better--it's just difficult to believe it *right now*

 

i just start thinking about my damn ex and how her life is perfect with her new bloke..

 

Please don't dwell on HER--this makes it harder to heal. When I start thinking of my ex, I get busy doing something that requires more concentration...next thing I know...I've stopped thinking about him, and Gotten Something Done. Start with small tasks, for quicker gratification.

 

I can't see how it is possible at all to meet someone new. At the moment all i can think about is to get rid of this crappy pain i have, and the only way to do that is to meet someone new!

 

Right now, it seems your wound is still deep and bloody--this is not a great time to be meeting someone new, anyway--wouldn't you want your *new person* to see the BEST of you?

 

I highly recommend taking this time to find Yourself, rather than someone else. Just who in the world is Steve_B? What matters to Steve_B? What doesn't?

 

Yes, you're young, with many lessons ahead of you. Now is the time to learn about YOU, and build confidence in the one person who will never leave you.

 

Peace and good luck...H'Kat

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Steve

 

Maybe the Universe is trying to teach you something. You say that you don’t enjoy yourself when you go to a club, then why go? If you are as wounded as you sound, getting mixed up in another relationship right away isn’t going to do you any good. Relationship hopping is just another form of avoiding the work you should be doing on a bigger problem. Why not try going solo for a bit, and get an understanding of why you are hurting so much. Women attracted to you right now will get to know heart broken Steve, not the strong, confident man you will become after you’ve healed from this break up. I think you’ll find a much better companion and have a much happier relationship when you have something to bring to the table, but right now it sounds like you’re reaching out for someone to comfort and validate you. That’s a terrible reason to get involved with someone. To me, it sounds like your sense of value is tied in to what the people around you think of you. Steve has a hot girlfriend and thereforeeee Steve has value. Steve is single and thereforeeee he has less value. That’s an inflexible and flawed system of belief dude. Don’t do that.

 

Also, if you have a massive fear of being shut down, then for the moment don’t put yourself in situations where you have the potential to be shut down. Think about the real reasons why you feel worthless. Even though it sounds silly, write them all down. Then use some logic and attack those statements. After a while, when those nut biting ideas pop in your head, you’ll have a counter argument to bounce back with. When you’re feeling confident and don’t care if you get shut down (because there are *lots* of girls out there, so passing on you would be their loss not yours) then get ready to get back in the game.

 

Also, if you’re friends are in competition with you over who has the hottest girlfriend, that’s really dumb. It doesn’t mean that the guy with the best looking lady is better in any way, or happier, or more successful. And as you’ve experienced that position of “being on top” is tenuous at best.

[Steve_B]

Thanks for your replys Reluctant Rebuilder and HappyKat.

 

When i was with my ex i was the most cheeful happiest bloke i could be and girls where attracted to me, since my break-up not only has no girl been attracted to me but have even lost a few friends to how miserable i am.

I don't want to rush into a relationship straight away like some of you think, i just want to start meeting people and going on dates.

 

There is this one girl that i got the courage and asked if i could take her out sometime and she replyed saying yeah sure but now i'm pretty sure shes avoiding me as i havn't seen her for ages. I'm going into the RAF soon so there is no point in me having a girlfriend, im pretty curtain i'm gonig to die alone.

 

I wish i was someone who could like a woman who's not the best looking, but unfortunately thats not who i am, i know at the end of the day looks mean nothing, but in my books it does. Why is this? i have no idea.... i'm just speaking my mind.

 

I heard americans like english men heh? maybe i'll move over there!

 

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