IfeelLost Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I have been dating a woman for 5 months now and things were going very good up until a couple weeks ago. I am 29 and she is 36 so there is an age gap but It never bothered me. I really care deeply for her and yes I have fallen in love with her but I honestly have no idea where i stand with her and It is causing me alot of confusion. She told me she loved me a while ago and I never said it back because i was not sure if she was serious because she was a little tipsy, but I wanted too so bad because i do love her. I love her more than anything and I really want to be with her. I asked her what i am to her and she said she honestly doesnt know now! She has told me she doesnt want a serious relationship and she doesnt wanna be tied down and she wants to keep her options open, she said she doesnt wanna be obligated to anyone. I told her I love her and she said it back once but she hasnt said it since, if i tell her I love her she usually just asks me if I am sure but she will not tell me she loves me, she said love takes time and she said she isnt sure if she loves me or not. She has been divorced for about a year and it wasnt the best of relationships so mabye that is holding her back. I see her all the time still and it feels like she is my girlfriend but I guess she isnt so it is a very strange situation to me, I stay with her sometime, she cooks dinner for me, we buy eachother things, go out with eachother, talk on the phone alot, have sex. She said she cares alot for me and I can definetly tell that she does......but WHAT AM I TO HER IF I AM NOT HER BOYFRIEND? is what I am trying to figure out! she said she wants to take it "day by day" whatever that means. I just feel so confused about her and I dont know what to do because i really do love her and want to be with her but i guess she doesnt want a commitment and she said she needs her space. am I just a friend with benefits? I dont wanna lose her but if that is what I am I want more than that, If I do not mean much to her and she doesnt want to be with me then why doesnt she just tell me and I will be on my way. Link to comment
terk2021 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Been there, done that. I have been fortunate, or unfortunate to date 2 women in very similar situations to yours. The 1st one, I helped her get over her divorce, and once she felt like she was on her own 2 feet again, I was just a friend with benefits, and she started paying less attention to me. The 2nd one, I was a little more cautious with. We dated for about a year, and she did love me. We got engaged, and 1 month before the wedding, she backed out. I have learned my lesson here twice the hard way. If you want to see her, understand that she may take a very, very long time before she is truly ready to be in a committed relationship, and take it for fun. If you are looking for more, as I was, then I would cut ties before you really fall more in love with her than you already are... Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 If you need to have the title of her "boyfriend" then she is not ready for that kind of relationship. You are a boyfriend in kind because that is how she treats you. I dont know how long she will be in this mode but if you want more then get out now before you get hurt more and it becomes more of a nagging issue. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 She told me she loved me a while ago and I never said it back because i was not sure if she was serious because she was a little tipsy, but I wanted too so bad because i do love her. I love her more than anything and I really want to be with her. Well in context, this has turned into a test and you didn't pass it. I know what your intentions were/are, but when you hesitated, you told her very plainly that you're not sure about her. No need to beat yourself up though because you can't go back and change. So now she's set up another test for you to see if you truly care about her. She said she cares alot for me and I can definetly tell that she does......but WHAT AM I TO HER IF I AM NOT HER BOYFRIEND? is what I am trying to figure out! she said she wants to take it "day by day" whatever that means. I just feel so confused about her and I dont know what to do because i really do love her and want to be with her but i guess she doesnt want a commitment and she said she needs her space. am I just a friend with benefits? I dont wanna lose her but if that is what I am I want more than that, If I do not mean much to her and she doesnt want to be with me then why doesnt she just tell me and I will be on my way. You are definitely in a friends with benefits zone and if you accept it, you'll tell her that you don't truly care about her, cause if you did, then you would never accept anything less than a relationship with her. Don't look to her to make up her mind, she'd only do that when she finds another guy. So do this, come clean with her, but set out an ultimatum. "Either you two get back into a relationship right now or else nothing, no friends, FWB, no contact." That way you'll have your final answer and can move forward in one direction or the other. And anything other than an outright yes is a no and you should interpret it as such. One thing is for sure, just hanging on is a slow death and will only lead to false hope ad your pain. Link to comment
IfeelLost Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 I really love her I just do not know what to do! she is the only one I want to be with........but I dont think she feels the same way. there has been trust issues with her and sometimes I honestly think she is seeing other people behind my back which i dont understand why she doesnt just tell me. I just dont understand what she wants from me, she would always say she is getting too attached to me that is not good.......but i am already very attached to her. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Well, you have your answer on what you need to do, so run with it. She's not outright dumping you or telling you about the cheating because people like to keep all of their options open. Nobody wants to close dorrs that they don't have to. It's up to you to stick up for yourself and what you want. She's not gonna do it for you. When she says it's not good that she's getting attached to you, what do you say in response? Do you just sit there? You need to question her on that, ask her "And why is that not a good thing?" You sound like one of those "nice guys" who are nice to the point that you hold your feelings inside and are fake in that sense. This turns girls off, so stop surpressing your emotions, especially the negative ones, and start sticking up for yourself and what you want. Link to comment
terk2021 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I would certainly be upfront with her as to what your feelings are, and what type of relationship that you want with her. The only tough part of that is you have to be prepared for any response. I would not suggest an ultimatum with her. Those generally have only 1 outcome. A piece of advice my friends have been giving me as I have gone through my latest loss is: "Do not give up the milk if they do not want to buy the cow". I thought that was kind of an interesting quote. I did not follow it. Our relationship is now over, and I have chalked it up to a learning experience. What I meant by that is that if you are ready for the kind of relationship that is going to grow, and she is not, then let her know that you still want to see her, just let her know that you need to move forward in your life. If she wants to call you and see you and you are available, go out with her. Timing has so much to do with relationships. I am now going out with someone that I went out with a few years ago that was just not ready to open up her heart. It's so tough to be with a person when they are not ready to do that and you are. I hope this helps. Believe me, I wish I would have taken my family and friends advice a long time ago... Link to comment
Royltnxile Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Maybe you are too hung up on labels - "boyfriend". Seems to me like you are her "boyfriend", at least her actions seem to indicate that you are more than "friends with benefits". She has been divorced for about a year and it wasnt the best of relationships so mabye that is holding her back. I see her all the time still and it feels like she is my girlfriend but I guess she isnt so it is a very strange situation to me, I stay with her sometime, she cooks dinner for me, we buy eachother things, go out with eachother, talk on the phone alot, have sex. She most likely has issues with relationships based on her past. (divorce, bad relationship) and is most likely scared of giving her heart to someone 100%. If you truly care about her, then just continue to see her and take things slow. Let her set the pace of the relationship. If you tell her you love her too much, or pressure her for deeper commitment, you will most likely lose her entirely because you will scare her away. Respect her need for space, and her respect the issues with intimacy she likely has. Draw back a little yourself and be casual about things. Don't make yourself too available to her and just go with the flow. Like I said, it doesn't matter if she calls you "boyfriend" or not. Her actions indicate that she does care about, even if she's not saying it all the time. Be content with the attention she is giving you presently and see where it goes with her. Link to comment
kebesshottamsn.com Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 im in the same situation as you i've been with this girl for a long time and i love her.she always wants me by her side and she says she loves me and cares for me and that i am a special person to her.but when i ask her out she always makes "dates" that our relationship will start.which confuses me because i don't want to get hurt.she says its because of her last boyfriend.i never understand it because i am her boyfriend she just doesnt see it.ill try the if we cant start a relationship then i cant be with you all the time plan.dont really know Link to comment
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