Just sent email.. possible bad move?

[smiles21]

So I need clarification where we stand.. we broke up about a week ago technically.. you can read my other post for a little clarity. She wanted me to fight for her and make her fall back in love with me.. Here's what I sent.. She wanted to talk later on the phone about it, I find its easier to express things in words.

 

Christina,

 

I just thought I'd write to you, as its easier than sending a billion text messages. And I can put how I feel down on paper a little easier than talking. I cant have the feeling of being in limbo all the time, not knowing how your feeling.. or what your thoughts are on everything. Opening up hasn't been the easiest thing for either of us, but I think its what has to be done. I have been pretty open with you the last couple weeks about how I was feeling, and where I wanted to take the relationship. We obviously have different views here, and that's ok.

 

I understand that I didn't treat you so well in the previous month or so, and that pushed you away, I apologized, and all you can do is forgive and forget and move on, If you aren't willing to do that.. I understand. We had a great time at the concert, and I called you all week and was trying to show you how I could be cute and loving, but I wasn't getting anything back from you.. and that's really not fair for me. I cant do it all, If you don't want to try, then I need to know. I'm not asking you to put all the work in, but give me something back. I bought you flowers to make you feel special, as you are to me. I bought you a shirt because I thought you would like it and it would be cute. I know its something I hadn't been doing lately.

 

It should be two ways hun, I cant do it alone, and it's not fair that I try. I sit and look back at the memories ( walking on the beach late that night ) and great times we had together, and I thought there was more there. Maybe I was wrong, I'm not sure. Maybe your outlook on me and us is different, and has changed. I just need to know that. . I would chase you Christina but I tried that, and you seemed like that wasn't what you wanted, I worked my * * * off to try and get you to realize how much I cared, and you continue to say I didn't and that it was all bull * * * *. I think we need to either work on us, being together, happy and loving again, moving forward and enjoying being with eachother. No matter what it takes, but if that's not in your heart anymore there isn't any point I guess. I cant MAKE you fall back in love with me, that's something your heart has to tell you to do. If that's not you, then I need to move forward without you I guess, I need to be able to give myself to someone fairly and not with regrets of us, or compare her to you.

 

I need to have someone to shares my interests with, going to car shows, going on trips, working on whatever I'm doing, someone who will just sit there with me just because its something to do together, even if I'm doing something with my truck or car,or bike..I want to be moving in together and starting a family someday. And just growing as a couple. You were that girl in my eyes, and that's why I've worked so hard on this relationship in the past four years.

 

I'm looking for who I'm going to be with possibly, forever, I'm not the type that runs around and tries to get with a different girl every night. You know that. I need to fall in love again, but your still a piece of me.. And I need to know how you feel about everything, because if you aren't there anymore in your heart then I need to let go, because it's not fair for me. I know we aren't together, but I still feel you with me. I tried to show you who I can be, but you brushed me off.. I'm not sure if you were scared, or still hurt. I cant have someone I love hate me, and think about me badly.

 

You were the girl that always defended me, stood behind me, and was there when I needed something. Would call and say Hi, or would text just to say something sweet. Would enjoy being just me and you, we never needed anyone else to be happy. Would never lie to me, and we could always be honest with each other, we were one. That's what I miss. You helped me through so much, but I cant hold on alone. So please, decide what you need to do from your heart, because if in the future you don't see me.. then please.. let me be. I need to heal, and be able to give myself to someone else. So if what you want is not the same as me, maybe someday you will.. and you always know how to get ahold of me, It's not like you don't know where I live.

 

Let me know how you feel..

 

Always,

 

Ryan

[heloladies21]

This is the final step where you get everything off of your chest. Just make sure to realize that if she says anything other than an outright yes, I'd like to try again, she really means no and you can let go with no doubts that you two won't happen ever again. This is going to be her final answer to you so accept it as such.

[smiles21]

This is the final step where you get everything off of your chest. Just make sure to realize that if she says anything other than an outright yes, I'd like to try again, she really means no and you can let go with no doubts that you two won't happen ever again. This is going to be her final answer to you so accept it as such.

 

 

That's why I sent it, I cant be in this limbo stage, its eating me alive. I figured I might as well put all my cards on the table.

[heloladies21]

Good for you, be sure you did the right thing.

[smiles21]

Yea it feels like I did, I need to truly know how she feels, and the back and forth behavior, I just cant tolerate it anymore... She cant have her cake and eat it too. I cant be putting in 100% and her giving nothing back..

[Corridor Fog]

Your post has opened my eyes a bit. I was in a similar situation, my girlfriend was giving all she had to our relationship and I wasn't reciprocating anything. In my situation I wasn't giving anything back because I didn't feel like she was the right person for me. I really hope that isn't true in her case and that it's something else though.

[majord23]

heloladies is spot on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting everything you have to say off your chest - particularly in the early stages of a break-up.

 

But you have to make sure that you don't start rehashing it and attempting to clarify anything that you've said in your email (it doesn't need clarifying anyway). Yo've said your piece - now commit yourself to leaving your effort at that.

 

Stay strong pal. You're doing ok.

[smiles21]

(Sorta double post)

 

We met up last night after the email from yesterday, I told her I need to let her know how I feel, and to know how she feels. We talked for about 3 hours, and I cried, and she cried. She is just upset that she has gotten to this point.. after four years a couple bad months have corrupted things. She says she doesn't know what it will take to get her back, something I need to figure out. And I need to fight for her, and show her who I can be.

 

Not for a day, a week, a month.. I need to get her back into my life, and I'm going to fight.. I'm going to force myself to change my personality, and how I acted, and to CALL HER more, and text her, not her texting me. I need to do it all one way.. and not change day by day.. not go one day talking, and then three days not.

 

NC wont work for me, she will be gone if I were to continue it. I have to wear my heart on my sleeve.. and If it doesn't work, and she doesn't come back.. I can SAY I TRIED. And never look back and have doubts. And I gave it my best.This is my last chance.. Last night it was pretty emotional, she would just say she doesn't want to talk to me if she didn't want to try.

 

I know I pushed her away, I need to pull her back. When we were done talking I had her get out of the truck, and just hugged her.. we both hugged eachother tight and cried, and I looked into her eyes and said I loved her.. and she said the same thing back. Probably just sat out in the cold for 5 minutes shivering. I didn't want it to end.

 

I then told her she needed to go, and I would watch her leave.. She drove off and I texted her a couple times, and she replied.. she said she loved me, and to show her what I'm about..

 

This is my last chance.. all on the line now.

[papalazarou]

Good luck. I hope it works for you. If it doesnt work will you then go NC?

[heloladies21]

Naw, you do yourself a disservice by buying into what she says to you. I read your old posts and I don't anything you did which pushed her away. What I do see is a lot of manipulating by her using words like "you need to prove it to me" and stuff like that. That's not good.

 

But in the end, it's up to you to stick up for yourself. Unless I did something really wrong (like cheat on her) then I'm not "proving" myself to anyone and any girl who would say something like "prove to me that you care about me" can stick it where the sun don't shine.

 

You sound like a really nice guy by the way, but it's nice to the point where it comes off as being fake and girls are turned off by this. Always buying her flowers and calling her and doing everything nice to her even when she backhandedly insults you. This is what has led to your break up, so do yourself a favor and start doing the right thing. Stop BSing her and get real, when you're upset, feel free to let her know. This would be your only chance of getting her back as this method you're trying now will fail 100% guaranteed. It's been tested so many times it's ridiculous.

[majord23]

Smiles,

What exactly did you do to push her away? Be specific.

[smiles21]

Well, for starters I neglicted her out the ying yang. I put other things first that weren't her.. me.. my truck.. stuff I liked to do, I took her for granted. She would just sit with me even though she didn't like doing it to be with me, but when it came down to do stuff for her, I was too busy.

 

Definitely my fault, and isn't much I can do about it. I wasn't seeing the idiot guy I was being.. I ignored her and got jelous of STUPID immature things, and pushed her away.. It was majorly my fault.. A lot of neglect.. I will admit.

[majord23]

OK mate, then have you looked at *why* you were neglecting her?

Is that something that you would have done in any relationship (ie is it a fault that is inherent in you) or was it specific to her?

 

To put it in more simple terms: Was it you, or your r/s with her that lead you to neglect her?

 

It's great if you can identify the things you may have done wrong in a relationship - but fixing them is another issue. Sure you can try to win her over again, and you may be successful...but what do you plan to do to ensure that in 5 years time, you won't be working on your truck again with her sitting bored beside you?

 

Proving you can change short-term is a (relative) breeze, but you need to be thinking long-term.

 

You seem to be apportioning all the blame on yourself for the relationship break-down. Is there anything that she would need to change to make this work? If so, have you spoken to her about it? Or are you prepared to take full responsibility for the break-up?

 

I'm not looking for you to answer these questions - but just think about them before you do anything else.

 

Your post reads as though you single-handedly cause the downfall of the relationship - if that is true, then ok...see if you can fix it. But if you are only taking responsibility because you think that's what she wants you to do, or because you think that that is the only way to get her back...then you are setting the whole thing up to fail again.

[heloladies21]

Well, for starters I neglicted her out the ying yang. I put other things first that weren't her.. me.. my truck.. stuff I liked to do, I took her for granted. She would just sit with me even though she didn't like doing it to be with me, but when it came down to do stuff for her, I was too busy.

 

Definitely my fault, and isn't much I can do about it. I wasn't seeing the idiot guy I was being.. I ignored her and got jelous of STUPID immature things, and pushed her away.. It was majorly my fault.. A lot of neglect.. I will admit.

Nah, that's not the way girls think. Girls will sit through the most boring and worst with their man, it has nothing to do with the break up. You're misidentifying the reasons for the break up. The ones you notice have nothing to do with it and correcting them won't win her back. I've only lived through this a bunch of times myself, seen those around me go through it, and seen it on this site at least a thousand times, but don't take my word for it.

[smiles21]

Well, I dunno, maybe she is thinking up every reason to hate me, to get me out of her system.. but she says the reason for the breakup is how I have been treating her the past few months.. and she doesn't know how she got pushed so far away from me.

 

I neglicted, ignored her.. and just did nasty things that "made her fall out of love".. She wants me to show her.. and is putting things in my hands about her feelings, and wants me to put the effort she put in that I never did.

 

I would get mad that she would drive to my buddies house, whom I introduced her to (She became friends with his GF) not to mention he's wicked shady now, and always has cheated on his GFs, and would be there like a half hour before me when we all had mutual plans to go to a hayride.. or out to dinner.. And I would ignore her because she used to come pick me up. But all of a sudden it was easier to just meet there.

 

Then would be distant.. Now she hangs out with my friends I introduced her to and they dont call me.. because " they are mad at you for how you treated them".. whatever that means. She cant even make her own friends for christ sakes.

[majord23]

I could be off base here - but the more I read about your situation, the more it reads as though she is taking advantage of your willingness to accept blame for the break-up.

 

She is kicking you while you're down (telling you why your friends are acting a certain way towards you etc.). Her statements seem designed to inflict pain on you rather than motivate you to take steps to change.

 

You seem to be submitting to her every request and my belief is that she will continue to do take advantage of this for as long as you are willing to bend over backwards to appease her.

 

Just my thoughts.

[smiles21]

I could be off base here - but the more I read about your situation, the more it reads as though she is taking advantage of your willingness to accept blame for the break-up.

 

She is kicking you while you're down (telling you why your friends are acting a certain way towards you etc.). Her statements seem designed to inflict pain on you rather than motivate you to take steps to change.

 

You seem to be submitting to her every request and my belief is that she will continue to do take advantage of this for as long as you are willing to bend over backwards to appease her.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

 

Yea, I can see how that would be apparent. And you could be right, I dont know. I know it fluctuates, as I feel like i need to chase her for a few days, and I do, and then I stop and she gets angry and says that I just stopped contacting her, and that makes her emotions jump up and down all over the place. She then says, "You only try for like a couple days, that isn't going to take the heartache of what you did to me for a month away".

 

My mom says I should chase her, show her how I can be, and then I can look back and say I tried if it doesn't work.

 

I know NC would not work here, she probably wouldn't contact me, and would go on her merry way with her new friends now. That of course, were mine.. but they now cling to her. I dont know if im being badmouthed or what. But they really havn't called me since we broke up.

 

She feels I made her fall out of love with her, so I need to get her back into it.. Is that physically possible?

[majord23]

If I were you, my first priority would be to find out what is happening with your friends.

Just phone one of them up and tell them that you seem not to speak much anymore and that you're wondering if everything is ok.

 

Be open and honest and then at least you will know the real reason as to why things seem strained bewteen you and them. If it becomes apparent that your ex has been meddling in your friendships or bad-mouthing you behind your back - then you will know that she is playing massive games with you and that she aint worth your time.

 

The most important reason to do it though is because, well...they're your friends bro. And if there are issues that are impacting on good friendships that can be solved with some communication - then do it.

 

Sort your friendships first - and you might just find that you kill two birds with one stone.

[smiles21]

Well I emailed one of my buddies Joe, lets see what he replies with.

 

See, the thing is, the group is really immature, and the one kid, Jim, treats his GF ( my ex's now friend ) like dirt. Not to mention Jim eyes and flirts with my ex, but that's beside the point, and aparently noone notices that but me. (it's hard to just say these aren't my true friends and let them go, as we hung out for the past like 4 months, every weekend).

 

Jim: 23

Jim's GF (21)

My Ex (soon to be 21)

Joe (18..)

And Me (23)

 

Last night we had the talk in the truck about everything, and I told her how my ex before her that I dated for a year and a half, lives right near Jim's GF. This may have been a mistake, but I felt like it was something that I had to be honest about. It's not like I ever talked to her, but regardless. I never really talked about my previous relationship with her to my current ex. And she didn't ask. So what happened..

 

So I talk to the ex today, be nice through texts, and just try to be sweet. She then replies with, right before I'm about to leave work, "So I just saw a picture of your ex". She freaking went on to myspace, and went to Jim's GF's page AND CALLED JIMS GF, and just found her as one of Jim's GF's myspace friends. I didn't know if they knew eachother but I guess they do.

 

So I called her after work and she's like.. "Yea, I looked at her picture because I had to see her, I wanted to know what she looked like. And now I feel like crap".

 

I'm like "Why?" She said " Cus she's really pretty.. prettier than me, and were alike.." Then she proceeded to ask about the entire relationship! That happened 5 years ago! And everything that happened! And kept putting herself down. Maybe she has self esteem issues I dunno. Said it hurt her self-esteem.

 

So I'm like what the hell, in my head. Why the hell would she do that. I pretty much said I'll talk to you later.. bye.

[smiles21]

Any thoughts? I went to a halloween party last night, and I called her from it to see if she was OK. She kept sayins " You sound busy since your out, I dont really wanna talk".

 

So she gets pissed I went there too.. Jesus.

[papalazarou]

Shes leading you on and doing you a merry dance mate.

 

By all means spend all this money on her. At the end of the day whilst you could say you did all you can, you will have a lighter wallet and a broken heart.

[majord23]

Any thoughts? I went to a halloween party last night, and I called her from it to see if she was OK. She kept sayins " You sound busy since your out, I dont really wanna talk".

 

So she gets pissed I went there too.. Jesus.

 

Why did you call her when you were out mate? Why would she *not* be ok?

 

This girl is making you jump through hoops - and when she's not doing it, you appear to creating your own hoops to jump through.

 

You called her and she was pissed. So...don't call her again. It sounds like she was out of order last night, so don't reinforce her behaviour by contacting again.

If you contact her again and act like nothing is wrong, she'll get the impression (quite rightly) that she can disrespect you and 'get away with it'.

[smiles21]

Problem is, I sent a text message this morning saying good morning as I usually do. And I would call her later. I dont have cell service at my job inside, so when I go outside I normally get a reply. Been a couple hours now, so I might have got one. Not sure.

 

So if I were to stop calling her, she's going to be pushed away and say my behavior is up and down again and just say screw it. She made it aparent that I had to do the work to make US work.. So I was gonna ask her to the movies tonight, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe she wants me jumping through hoops. I cant handle this up and down behavior. UGH It's killing me.

 

Maybe I need to just tell her I dont think we should talk anymore, I dont see how I should be tolerating this behavior.. her looking at my ex's pictures saying it makes her feel like crap, and she's prettier than she is. And then she told me to look at her pics, so I did, and then got mad at me for it.

 

Not to mention I went to that party and she kept saying "Oh, you are busy, dont talk to me when your in a crowd".. Jesus, what's her problem? She's like trying to make herself unhappy.

 

And its not like im a bad looking guy, I have a good job (She really doesn;t) I'm not in debt like she is, I work out, am athletic, I get girls. For some reason I'm stuck on this one! UGH. Maybe it will take NC for a long time for her to realize, and if she doesn't she was never worth my time. I feel like I'm pulling my hair out with effort here.. And She's 21, I'm 23.. maybe she's at that age.. I dunno. It's been 4 long years.

[papalazarou]

I think thats why in this instance NC is good. For both of you.

 

You so you can get your life back on track, and her so she can actually, geniunely miss you. The thrill of the chase is one thing...but she really is messing with your head.

 

As the Beatles sang "Cant buy me love"...

[smiles21]

Yea.. I'm not sure what to do anymore... NC might be the only thing, as I'm not moving on any talking to her and trying to make things work, and doing the effort.. as she sits back and just gets mad at stuff, and is generally just being difficult.