finding it hard being single and self-reliant, please help

[icarus27]

The weekend just gone past has been awful for me. I need some human contact from you guys. Please help if you can.

 

I resolved to do some things on my own this weekend. Things for which i don't have to depend on someone else, because we often say on this forum that after the break-up, we can focus on the things about our own lives that we CAN control.

 

On Friday, after some exercise in the gym, I had a good meal, then feeling like I wanted to listen to some loud music and be among people, I went along to a local bar. This was hard for me - I feel extremely self-conscious in a bar by myself and generally just watched some sports on one of the TV screens. Went along to the nightclub next door and again 'people-watched' for a bit and listened to the music.

 

Saturday, attended my fortnightly part-time class all day. Talked to some classmates there but not much. In the evening, went to watch a movie, again by myself. Some of you will be thinking going on my own is odd, but guys, it was partly because I desperately wanted to fill my time with something, anything. As it was, the film was a relationship drama and may not have been the best thing to watch.

 

Sunday morning, I went to a local cafe to have a cooked breakfast. Again, began to feel intensely self-conscious and alone as the place began filling with young people. They all looked so confident and attractive. By the time I left I was near breaking down. I went home, rang a depression/suicide helpline and completely broke down into howling tears. I felt I was failing at being able to live life on my own.

 

You see folks, Saturday was my ex's birthday and painful memories of just how good the celebrations were in the past haunted me.

 

It's Monday, the work week's started and I'm trying to put things behind me. But I am beginning to worry about my mental health. I realise that pushing myself to do things on my own may not have been right - but I keep wanting to get better and had to try. Believe me, I am now doubly devastated that I am not managing, and I keep thinking of how my ex must be having a fabulous time in her life now, without me.

 

Folks, please lend me some words. I only have a few good friends, and have been trying not to overload them with my painful stories. But I'm cracking at the prospect of life alone, and I'm scared by that. I don't want to be weak, but it seems like I am. If there are others who've experienced similar, please write in if you can. Thank you.

[TheRedQueen]

How long ago did you and your ex break up?

 

Oh, and I go to movies by myself all the time, trust me you're not weird.

 

And last but not least, ((((( HUGS )))))

[TheRedQueen]

Crying is good, and communicating your thoughts and feelings is even better (often times this will entail tears).

 

Please feel free to cry and communicate freely, I kid you not it could save your life.

[fridagrrl]

hang in there and know that there are people who care....it might seem like it's never going to end but it DOES get better.....

maybe try to take the focus off of yourself and volunteer helping others....you might meet some great people there too....

it sounds like you have the will-power to get out of the house....just try to surround yourself with people, and choose places where you interact.

 

it's hard, i know......but there's light at the end of the tunnel......

 

(((((((hugs)))))))))

[icarus27]

redqueen,

 

we were together for a year and it has been 6 weeks since the break-up.

 

fridagrrl,

 

am trying hard to have faith that it gets better. the events of the weekend caused a backslide. i've looked round for ways to volunteer for charities, and making some progress with that.

 

i can't take this loneliness. my mind drifts in and out of fantasies that she is out there somewhere maybe occasionally missing me. i know there's no hope of a reconciliation ever. even when i try patch up the loneliness with thoughts of looking forward to meeting someone else, it feels wrong because it's not going to be her. i'm sorry.

[fridagrrl]

you are very loyal to think only of her....what a wonderful quality to have...especially in relationships.....

i don't have advice for how to stop the fantasies....sometimes i wonder myself if they ever go away?!?!

depression is something that's very difficult to shake...do you enjoy exercise? music? a particular hobby.....

and never say never to a reconciliation.....sometimes when you get busy working on yourself the other person realizes what a catch you were....

( i tend to look for the silver lining

but either way.....just look at this as something that is temporary...focus on making it through ONE DAY AT A TIME....

you'll survive....i promise

 

(((((hugs to you)))))))

[rocio]

I saw the grudge II last weekend all alone. The worst part was walking home alone at 10pm in the dark. I almost peed my pants!

 

I also went for breakfast this morning on my way to work. I did passively notice that I was the only person sitting alone.

 

But so what? Is it better to sit at home alone and feel sorry for myself? No way! I applaud you for getting out there and living your life.

 

If you need someone to talk to in person, why not go to a counselor? They can do alot of good.

[Dateagain]

Icarus, I feel the same way. Except I have a kid missing my ex, too. I feel entirely alone and went to a Halloween party where everyone was married but me. Lonely lonely lonely

 

this probably doesn't help, but at least you know you are not the only one who feels this way....

[JoeWho]

Yeah it sucks when you are the only single person in your group of friends! How did that happen? Oh well at least I will have a monolopy on offers to date all my friends "single coworkers, friends of friends" when I am ready.

[Orlander]

icarus, I'm sorry you are hurting. I just found out today that a good friend of mine in highschool commited suicide recently. He left behind a wife and two children.

 

Pain and heartache comes to us all, whether we are alone or around those we love. Don't give up and don't give in to dispair. Know, that this is a part of life and a part you must live through. Take time to heal your heart and be content with being by yourself. You have so many opportunities ahead of you. It's sad for me to know that my friend no longer has any for himself.

 

 

Orlander

[Vynde]

icarus27,

 

I can feel your pain, please take comfort understanding that you're not alone, and what you're going through is completely normal.

 

My ex's birthday was also this pat Saturday the 28th.. I'm not going to lie, it was awful, and found that when-ever I was alone on that day, for a minute and hour, whatever, I found my thoughts drifting and ended up getting very depressed and forced into tears.

 

I understand that your trying to live your own life, and move on, but it could be your forcing the healing process.. which really can't be done.

 

I to also felt that my friends and family are tired of hearing of how im feeling, but truth be told it's not true, they care, and in most cases have gone through similar situations themselves. Surround yourself with them, talk to them. I found that "I'm" the one getting sick of feeling the way I do, not them.

 

I don't know your situation exactly, but I don't have to, your in a lot of pain, and just like an injury, it will pass in time (which I'm sure you can't see).

 

There is a helpful book that I recommended in the past, called "How to mend a Broken heart" by Paul McKenna & Hugh Willbourn. I found it useful to read. It goes through the process and what it really means to have a broken heart - It shows you what the body ( in a biological aspect) is doing, and why its doing it, and in many cases, how to go about helping it heal. In a nut shell it shows how to understand emotional healing make crucial connections between key events in relationships and achieve a new understanding of love change bad habits and eliminate destructive emotional patterns open the door to a new love.. I seem like im selling it, but it's helping me and maybe it can help you too!

 

Hang in there my friend; better days ARE ahead of you, promise.

 

Day by Day is all you can do

 

John