New and newly broken. Any advice?

[bambina maxima]

Dorsay...I'm back with you. FOr a few days I was blissfully riding the waves of anger, but those feelings are becoming less intense. I try to listen to angry songs to bring back the angry feelings...which sort of revvs me up again...but it's fading. It'll be three weeks of zero contact on Sunday, four weeks since I've seen him. No calls, no emails, nothing. I can't help but think something more was supposed to happen between us. I feel like the saga isn't over yet. I don't regret anything I've done...I think I've done everything I can to ensure the best possible outcome, whether or not we ever see each other again. I just can't shake a funny feeling. Maybe I'm starting to believe in destiny. But the thing is, I'm not going to be the one to pick up the dialogue again. So how long will it be till "the saga" is continued? Fifty years? When will he finally start scratching his head and wondering why he gave up something mighty fine?

 

So did you celebrate somehow today on making it three weeks?

 

Moonbeam...I am definitely wondering why the **** he isn't calling. I mean, MAYBe it's because I told him not to... but shouldn't he be really missing me by now? Should he be worrying if I've given up on him completely? If I hate him?

 

So...hello, weekend. Please keep me busy.

[Dorsay]

Hi Bambina, I didn't celebrate. I'm pretty down right now. I thought I was doing fine for awhile, but the 3 week mark hits me hard. I even thought about why we couldn't be friends. I adore him and miss him, so why we couldn't be friends? Well, of course I know the reason. Even worse, I am getting jealous right now, thinking that he may be out on a date at this moment.

 

I know you have done everything you could and you have nothing to regret. By the way, I know your friend misses you. No matter if it works out with your friend or not, I know you will find happiness. You are full of life and you are love!

 

There's a very good sticky: no contact on the forum. Did you read it? It's very good and it confirms that we're doing the right thing. Have a great weekend.

[bambina maxima]

Dorsay...sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I know the feeling. Every morning I wake up and check my email. Nothing. I leave my cell by my bed in case there's a late night call. Nothing. But it's only painful if we let ourselves dwell on it...Sounds like you need a serious distraction. Have you considered looking into a dating site? Trying to meet someone new, just to remind yourself that you can form connections with other people?

 

I know what I would do if I had the money. I would go out and buy a brand spankin' new outfit that makes me feel like a million bucks. Or new shoes. I'm a little materialistic that way, but looking good makes you feel good. You should really pamper yourself somehow, and say to yourself, "Damn it, I rock. Who needs men when I've got my sweet self?" This is your time to become the ultimate YOU. The person you've always wanted to be. It's completely within your grasp...

[Dorsay]

Bambina, you made me laugh. I'm not into shopping. But you know what--I am beautiful and have an amazing atheletic body (at least that's everybody told me and I believe them.) I am laughing even more now!! I ran 18 miles today and got stopped by 3 male runners. So, not bad! Well, except attention doesn't make me any happier.

 

I am going to sign up a studio class of drawing in winter. I can go as often as 4 nights a week. A friend of mine also suggested a ballet class. I'm considering it.

 

You asked how long will your saga continue. I'll say by x'mas you'll be a spankin' new person with or without the brand new spankin' outfit. I actually got tired of checking my emails and my phone. I know he won't contact me because he already sent me an "I'm sorry" email and left me a "call me if you want to get back to me" message. Probably he's the one who's constantly checking and hoping for my response. How sweet! By x'mas, I'll be a happy and healthy person; my running and drawing will be better than ever. Take care.

[bambina maxima]

Today marks three weeks of absolutely no contact.

 

I think the changes in my life are manifesting in other areas. I feel something big is on the horizon. I've abandoned all the paintings I was working on and started working entirely from my head...a risk, seeing as I only have so much time before I need to submit my work. I will get righteous, sad, nostalgic, but I think all of these feelings are overshadowed by a sense of purpose.

 

Today I'm starting a new plan. It's Day One on the program to becoming the Ultimate Me. The first part is celebrating my freedom by doing alllllll the things I can only do when I'm single. I think today I'm going to pull the shades, blast the heat, walk around the house naked listening to the songs that only I like listening to and cooking/baking all day. Ahhhhhh. Hooray for Sunday.

 

Yep, I'm crazy. I forget how fun it is to be a little wacky sometimes. I always seem to turn it down a little when I'm dating someone. Maybe I should keep the crazy part of me right out there with everything else...that's probably the only way I'll ever meet the one who really gets me.

 

hm. but. I still wish he'd call.

 

Dorsay, I applaud you for taking on a drawing class. There's nothing like creative expression. Celebrate when you feel ready for it...and go alllll out when you do. Wow, 18 miles in a day...are you a marathoner? Every year I vow that I'll run a marathon, but I never make it much past the five mile mark in my training. Maybe having runners stop me in awe will be new motivation. I envy you...the ball is in your court...it seems more clear that you have to be the one to initiate contact if you ever want to again. In my mind, I'll probably never speak to him again if he doesn't initiate contact...which makes me feel like I'm waiting, until I get to that point where I don't care to wait anymore. And does that last little sliver of hope ever die? Who knows. Oh well.

[Dorsay]

Congratulations on your wk 3 of freedom! I hope your Ultimate Me plan will bring you much excitement and joy. It's a gorgeous Sunday today. If I have a bike, I would have taken it out for a long ride. I really need to get one.

 

I don't think the ball is in my court, at least I don't look at it this way. I see it a mutual decision for our break up. Yes, I think I can still go back to him, but it will only mean that I'll be accepting his terms. Since he left it all up to me, I actually have to fight the temptations to call him from time to time. I have to remind myself that I can't keep thinking of the past. I picked up a buddhist philosphy book yesterday. What caught my eyes was "When we free ourselves of desire, we will know serenity and freedom." I have to let go of that desire of him. It's tough but I really want that serenity and freedom.

 

You refused to stay in a non relationship relationship and be treated as a second class. You arent' really waiting for him to return, you're waiting for a healthy and loving relationship; it may or may not be him. Whoever wins your heart will be a lucky one.

[Dorsay]

I had my 2nd therapy session yesterday. I had to admit that, again, I felt worse after the session. I think it is because I haven’t really talked about my relationship and the break up with anyone but with the therapist. He was digging deep into my emotions and I was forced to revisit all the issues. I hope this is completely normal. I am nervous about going back for another session.

 

Based on what I told him, the therapist was glad that I left the relationship. He said my friend was not a long term prospect for me. He described him as someone who compartmentalizes his feelings. Everything is clearly defined in his world; I fit into a specific part of his life, but he wouldn’t have me in another. He said someone with this personality usually doesn’t handle relationship very well because he doesn’t know what intimacy really is. It reminds me of my friend telling me that he didn’t want to be with anyone but me when he was with me, but when asked what about if I wasn’t there, he said, “When you’re not there, you’re not there.” So, he was totally crazy about me at that moment when he was with me, but he would continue with his life when I wasn’t there, ie. seeing nothing wrong for him to date other women.

 

I was ranting about how my friend could keep saying he cared about me and not wanting to hurt me. I would be sad if he didn’t love me, but it would not hurt me. What hurts me was that he declared that loving me was beyond his limits, meanwhile he would want to continue to see me. How could he say he cared about me when he was dating other women, and even worse—not telling me about it? If he cared about me, he should know that this was very disrespectful to me. The therapist said “empathy” is the key. Empathy is something that either someone has it or don’t. He is someone who didn’t understand that what he did was selfish and didn’t know that it would hurt me.

 

The last thing that I told the therapist was that his ex wife (of 20 years of marriage) said he liked her but never loved her. Before I left, the therapist said to me that other reasons (I am not going to mention here) that he gave for not being able to give more to this relationship was just convenient excuses for him to ensure a no-commitment relationship. He said, “I’m glad that it didn’t take you 20 years to figure it out.”

 

I am glad that I am out of this saga and not making more mistakes. However, it also tells me that this relationship wasn’t as beautiful as I thought it was. It was built with my ignorance and his false pretense.

 

Bambina, how are you doing? Tomorrow will be wk 4 for me. I thought I was handling it well for the last couple of days. Now after the therapy session....it's sad!

[bambina maxima]

Dorsay...the last big breakup I went through several years ago, I fell heartfirst down a bottomless pit. I saw a psychiatrist, took anxiety meds, the works. I hated seeing the psychiatrist...it was so awkward...she would just sit there, no questioning, no probing, and I felt it was my duty to try to come up with everything on my own...so I would sit and blather about my feelings as honestly as I could. I think I just didn't relate to her, or maybe I didn't understand how she could be helpful...but it was kind of like talking to a brick wall.

 

That's not the point...on my second to last session with her, which was about 5 months after the breakup, I was taking about the ex and I suddenly started crying. This was after I thought I was long done crying to anyone but myself in private. Sometimes something just breaks loose and it's like letting another piece go. It's strange, but I have been thinking a lot about that last breakup and how it informs the current situation. It's funny how breaking up can bring back memories of all the other breakups you've gone through.

 

Anyway, I think it's better your therapist digs into you and makes you face and experience your emotions. Talking to my brick wall of a psychiatrist took me 5 months to finally let out some emotion. This way you'll get it all out faster...like ripping off the band-aid!

 

He is probably right about your friend compartmentalizing...human behavior is so strange. You and I don't understand how he can act that way because our brains dont' allow us to compartmentalize...we can't fathom that he just doesn't understand how he affects another's feelings. I've known a few people like that. It's a little bit like autism. They just don't quite get the intricacies of human emotion and empathy and all of that.

 

As for how I am doing...well, I'm on day 25 of absolutely no contact. It's getting easier, but I still think about him all the time. I definitely still have teary moments. Every day I fantasize about what I would say to him if I could see him again, and every day the imaginary conversation changes. I have very little desire to contact him, but I do wish he would try to contact me. At this point I'm not sure I would ignore it completely, but if I did answer I would say that the conditions are still the same. Love me or leave me alone. It's tough though...I certainly can't expect him to call, because I told him in no uncertain terms that he either had to be dying or ready to do it, or with someone else, so figure it out. But how long does it take him to figure it out?

 

I can't help looking at this fading ember of what could have been (and I think we both agreed it could have been amazing) and thinking, why isn't he beating down my door? Cant' he see that my grass is the greenest? What about all those things he said? How much time does it take someone to realize what they've lost?

 

And inevitably I circle back around to: I need to get over him. Easier said than done. In the end, I know I've done all I could and that thought is very comforting. I'm enjoying all the awesome things about being single. I'm trying my very best to let go, but that of course is a process.

 

I guess you could say it depends on my mood. Hang in there. Thanks for all your support....it's much better to go through all these feelings with someone else (misery loves company !!!!) Hope you are feeling better soon.

[Dorsay]

My wk 4 anniversay was uneventful and not too melancholy either. I wasn't as sad as I have been and I didn't think of him every waking moment. I hope that's a sign of recovery. I now totally accept that the relationship is over and I don't even know if we can be friends again. I don't have any desire of calling him, but today while I was driving out of town, I was thinking that I really regret for lying to him about me knowing his datings. I really want to set the record straight telling him that have I known about it, our relationship would be over awhile ago and emotions could have been spared. Should I do it? Probably not, right? What purpose will that email serve? Making him feel bad, unvalidating our relationship, making myself feel better? Most likely I won't do it, may be in a few months or a year.

 

Bambina, your wk 4 is coming up, are you feeling better? Candle and cookies as a me me me me gift? I have a theory here, hope you don't mind--is it possible that your friend is facing a big uphill battle re: the arranged marriage, so he's telling himself that his relationship with you isn't quite real? So to prove his point, he dates. Would it be nice if we could get into their heads to figure out why they gave up something that could be so good? He's going to find out your grass is the greenest as my friend will find out he can't possibly find anyone who's half as precious as me. By then, it may be too late.

 

I am looking forward to seeing my pychologist next week, although no doubt he'll make me feel terrible afterwards. I actually didn't cry much since we broke up. Unfortunately the first time I broke up, I was in a concert hall listening to Mendelssohn's vionlin concerto in e minor. As soon as the orchestra played, my tears were falling. The music was overwhelming and reminding me that something beautiful that I once had was gone (as least I thought it was beautiful then.) People around me felt bad for me, especially when they couldn't find me any kleenex. How embarrassing.

 

I was struggling quite a bit in my drawing class yesterday, but I came through with the last two poses. As a friend used to tease me--suffering is good for the soul.

 

Take care and have a great weekend. Oh, I just signed up for a turkey trot next week, and I have another 10k coming up in 3 weeks. I haven't signed up for a marathon yet, I'm on schedule for a marathon in December, but I think I'll do the local one here next year. Have a great one!

[bambina maxima]

Well I think today is officially four weeks, but I'm going to wait for the one month-versary for the actual celebration ( i have too many errands to run today). I'm doing well. I think I'm letting go. I spoke with a friend for a long time last night and managed not to bring up the ex at all. My goal is to stop talking about it to my friends in real life, though you'll excuse me if I still use this as my venting outlet, for those moments when I regress again...

 

Right now I'm grateful that there is a less than 1% chance I will run into him randomly and my friends are not a part of his social group. There really is no reason that I will be reminded of his existence, unless I think about him or he tries to contact me.

 

I am beginning to think, the longer this no contact thing goes on, that he will never contact me...that he realizes he was maybe a little stupid about the way he handled things and the stuff he said, and he doesn't care about me that way. I think he tried to convince himself that he did because I looked pretty good on paper and we got a long so well. The bottom line is, if he doesn't have those feelings for me, he doesn't have those feelings for me. There's nothing I can do about that. If he did feel that way about me, he never would have let me go.

 

The next two months are going to be a little crazy for me, so I'm going to lay off the dating scene. Come January I will resume my quest for real romance.

 

Huh, after four weeks of no contact I feel rational. I kind of miss the passion though...

[cecerose]

The next two months are going to be a little crazy for me, so I'm going to lay off the dating scene. Come January I will resume my quest for real romance.

 

Huh, after four weeks of no contact I feel rational. I kind of miss the passion though...

 

If possible, try to not to think or speculate about what your ex is or isn't thinking or doing. (It's a sure fire way to drive your crazy.)

 

Laying off the dating scene sounds like a great idea -- and shows you're taking care of yourself.

 

Yeah, that rational isn't as exciting as being passionate, and that's a good thing. You can't be in throes of passion all the time.

 

I've been on NC now since the 9th, after a couple of false starts. It's hard. But I know it's the right thing to do.

[Dorsay]

A major setback for me last weekend! I took a trip during the weekend, hoping that I would have a fun time. I didn’t realize that the hours of driving gave me plenty of time to think of the whole relationship again. I saw my niece during the trip, who actually knows my friend’s son, except they didn’t know that we know each other. When my niece was talking about her friends and school, I told her I know her friend’s father. I said nothing else, but simply bringing up his name stirred up a great deal of emotions inside me. I dreamt of him that night, going out to dinner with another woman and giving me a very cold look. In the dream, I was the other woman who he was hiding. It was an awful dream and I felt even worse when I woke up. I wanted to call him or even see him to let him know that I actually didn’t know he was dating anyone and ask him why he didn’t tell me. It’s been over a month since we broke up and almost 4 wks since he left me a message to ask me to call him (if I wanted to). I think either I call now, or never. Any delay will make me look very foolish.

 

Said that, what will I accomplish if I talk to him—Getting it off my chest, so it won’t haunt me? Making him feel bad (will he feel bad)? Or will he simply puzzle why I still can’t get over him when he probably has already moved on with someone else, or at least went on with date no. 25?

 

Please tell me if I should accept that it is over regardless, so just take a deep breath and know that there’re times that we’ll never be able to get everything off our chest. Or, should I call him?

 

Another thougt--I actually don't talk about my relationship with anyone but one friend and my pyschologist. Is this forum an outlet for me or is it a link to the past that I would love to forget? If it's the latter, should I stop coming back to the forum?

[moonbeam111]

Oh, honey, please don't call. If you are so emotionally involved with him still, it would not do any good for you to experience even more pain. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have called you by now. You know that.

 

The main goal right now is to take care of yourself and avoid re-injuring your wounded heart. This would be the main goal. Not the goal of trying to understand what went wrong. Not the goal of trying to tell him how you feel. Not the goal of trying to clarify his mixed messages.

 

The way you perceive the forum is up to you. You can normalize your feelings and get support here. You can see that you are going through the healing process that has its own stages. If you want to deviate from this process of healing, you can read people' stories when they tried to break NC and what they found when they did. But if you want to see this forum as an outlet for keeping your feelings stuck around your friend, then it's up to you to let go of the forum the way you need to let go of your friend.

 

Only when you are ready to walk away from your friend and accept the loss, you can start your healing and truly grieve. The pain is unbearable. But it will subside. You will find a partner who will truly appreciate you and give you the love you deserve.

[bambina maxima]

Maybe the dream means you're defeating yourself? Or maybe it's a subconscious acknowledgement that you know he won't do better than you, but you're upset with him for letting you go anyway? I don't know ANYTHING about dreams so I have no idea...but it seems obvious you're still torn up about this guy, hence the two yous. There's the you that's with him and the you that's left him behind and they haven't reconciled yet. Where's moonbeam the dream analyst when you need her?

 

If you think calling him will give you closure, do it. It sounds as if you are angry (dorsay angry??? woohoo! you go!). It seems to me you don't have anything to lose by calling him and getting it off your chest, unless you imagine reconciliation. Maybe hearing his excuses will help you make a cleaner break. On the other hand, it might throw you straight back to square one to hear his voice. Or maybe he'll try to suck you back into the friendship, as I am sure he is missing you. It's tricky. Maybe if you posted a separate post on the issue you might get more responses??? I don't want to be your only source of advice because it seems i'm rather stupid when it comes to relationships and this thread is pretty much you and me by now.

 

Anyway, if you call to tell him this information, I imagine he could respond a number of different ways:

 

1) apologize. (as he should.) In this case, at least you know he was adult enough to acknowledge that he made a mistake in withholding this information from you. Maybe that would make it easier to let go... And if he starts to give excuses as to WHY he didn't tell you, that's your cue to roll your eyes and get really stinking mad! It will help you wash'm out of your hair.

 

2) he tells you he thought you already knew. If he tries to say this, you know that is bull...he wouldn't have lied about the flowers you saw if he thought you knew he was dating other people. This is something to get REALLY angry at...not only is he shady about dating other people, he manipulates the situation to make it look like you should have known he was dating all along, absolving himself completely of guilt. Red flag!! He is a grown man and he should really know better.

 

3) no response. If he doesn't have any good response whatsoever, you must realize he has the emotional maturity of a three year old and he just doesn't get human emotions. In this case it's not even worth pitying him, because he doesn't have any concept of what he's missing. Maybe he's happy in his weird little loveless world.

 

I'm sure there are more contingents...if you're going to make the call, just make sure you plan for ALL of his potential responses and make sure you know what YOUR response will be...and if it seems that one of the potential reactions could make you feel even worse, then don't call him. I'd say if you're going to get sad rather than angry, don't do it. But if you can envision yourself getting righteous, do it! You could use some righteousness.

 

The forum is a tool to help you figure it all out. I come here a LOT, reading over old posts and applying whatever I can to my situation. I look at this site as a crash course in relationships....I am eating it all up voraciously...and I hope it will help me out in future relationships. I think you should keep up with the forum as long as you're getting on with your life in other ways, and it sounds like you are. It's a healthy coping mechanism, in my opinion.

 

 

And don't worry about setbacks. Today I was reading through some old journal entries regarding my ex and I started bawling. And this is shortly after I thought I could envision myself hanging out happily and purely platonically. Psssh, yeah right.

[moonbeam111]

The only word that comes to my mind when I think about this dream is awareness. The other woman, just like you, has been blind about you in your friend's life. Imagine that instead of your friend, you could talk to that woman and that you two can share the feelings and experiences of being involved with the "friend". And bambina is 100% right. In your dream the hidden anger (you) does not want to remain hidden anymore. It wants to be seen.

[bambina maxima]

actually I am going to agree with moonbeam here...forget what I said earlier.

Don't call him, it'll just put you right back where you began. try to forget him.

 

man I am so wishy washy.

[Dorsay]

Well, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll see my psychologist tomorrow. I hope he can help me sort this out. If mentioning his name would throw me back to day 2 or 3, what will happen if I speak with him? May be an email is safer, but still, I am sure it will disturb me quite a bit. Ha, the holiday is coming, can I handle being sad during the holidays? On the other hand, I can see myself just bite the bullet and have it off my chest.

 

By the way, you guys are wonderful. Thank you for your support.

[bambina maxima]

Dorsay, how did it go? Have you made any decisions?

 

Today while on my snowy walk, I had a brilliant idea. I am going to get into cross-country skiing. Anyone know how much low-end equipment costs? I've only done it a few times, but it's great fun. I've been running/walking a lot, but it gets difficult as the snow accumlates and I want to continue getting 5-8 miles outdoors a day.

 

I decided for my month-of-no-contact celebration, i am going to write a long letter that I will never send. Maybe someday I'll have a reason to. Also, I will eat chocolate and read trashy magazines. (hooray for irregular work schedules!)

[Dorsay]

Hi, I'm glad that you're online. I haven't made up my mind. This morning, I was so sure that I would send him an email, but now, I'm not so sure. I wrote a very short email. It was short and direct. I can think of a couple of his possible replies:

 

1.No reply-Very likely scenario. The suspense for the first couple of days will kill me, but then eventually I will accept that he’s a coward.

 

2.“I have no regrets for having a relationship with you, sorry that you do.”-This will piss me off, but well it also shows that he is totally incapable to handle any emotions. I’m glad that that I’m out.

 

3.“I am sorry.”-That will be tough to handle. That’s it, I’m sorry??

 

4. “I didn’t know what I did would hurt you. I am sorry.”-I can take a sincere apology like this. I will be very sad, may be because it really brings the end of the relationship.

 

It seems like I really prefer him to be heartless, so that I have reasons to get angry. Regardless, since I began writing the email, my emotions have been brought backward. I even imagine that the phone will ring. I know that it is a dangerous thing to do. So, is getting it off my chest really worth bringing back my emotions to the good old days? I even miss the time that we're together. I haven't had this feeling for a couple of weeks!!! I have been doing relatively well until now. I'm really glad that you're doing well. I really don't know why I suddently took dive.

 

I'm glad that you're going to do cross-country skiing. Have you tried craigslist for used equipment? Or, ebay? I just got rid of some stuff from the garage, so now I have room for a bike.

[bambina maxima]

I think you should compose the email, edit, re-edit, and edit it some more. Then sit on it for a week. Keep editing and fine-tuning until you really can't make it any more perfect. If you still feel like a burning desire to send it, then it's something to consider. Just don't send it on impulse. I have crafted whole conversations and written them down, though a week later I realize that I would be foolish to send it and it wouldn't accomplish anything.

 

You may think you are stuck in a rut thinking about it, but I think you're making huge progress... i sense that you are finally getting angry at the whole thing, and I am happy for you for that!!! I think anger is the best way to begin to get over someone.

 

It seems that your anticipated reaction to almost anything he says would be different levels of anger. Just relish those feelings. Play it out in your mind as often as you want. It's cleansing.

 

I love craigslist! When I moved to a new area last year, I met a lot of people (platonically) through craigslist. I started a book club and met one of my best friends through that site. Actually, that's how I met my ex. You're right, I'll take a look. Otherwise there are some used sports good stores in the area that I might check out. It's possible my mom has a pair that she never uses anymore as well...

[moonbeam111]

Bambina and Dorsay, when I read your thread, I often have tears in my eyes. You are great human beings with solid values and honest, loving hearts.

 

I am so glad you support each other during this heartbreaking time! It will get better...

[Dorsay]

I was writing to him everyday for the first 2 weeks (never send out.) I can't read them right now because they will sure make me cry. However I remember I went through a range of emotions throughout the 2 weeks. From telling him and asking him things that I didn't get to do during our last mtg, missing him and hoping that we'll be friends, wishing him well, disappointing with him, to getting upset with him. Do they go through the same stuff like we do? I somehow doubt it. I really think that my friend is trying to forget about me by working and dating extremely hard. I could be a distant memory to him now, meanwhile I'm still in pain. I've been very unfair to myself. I really brought pain to myself. You are right, I will talk to my therapist today about my email and will edit/reedit. I will try not to send it on impulse.

 

Moonbeam, thank you for your support. It's really a comforting thought to know that I can have someone to talk to.

[Dorsay]

Guess what, My friend called yesterday before I went to see the therapist. I actually didn’t recognize the phone number for awhile. When I realized that it was him calling, I had a split second to decide if I should pick it up. Of course, I was being irrational. I did but immediately regretted it. I told him I was in a meeting and he said “call me if you want to.” This is exactly what he said in his previous message.

 

I told my therapist about my setback and my dreams. He said telling my friend what’s been bothering me wouldn’t serve any purpose other than letting it off my chest. He said he worried about me if there’re any contacts because I will reopen my wounds. I agreed with him that I invested more emotions into the relationship than he did although he was the one who pursued the relationship all along. I was totally in shock when the therapist said that my friend is still pursuing me. He said he wouldn’t call me otherwise, and he called not to say hi or catch up, but at least subconsciously he wanted me to go back. He said men are egotistical. Is it really true? How could he think that I would go back to him after he broke my heart?

 

The therapist said that obviously the relationship didn’t end. It ends when I find myself planning ahead instead of staying in a loop, going through the ups and downs. Since I am still anticipating contacting him, being disturbed by thinking of him, I am still in this relationship emotionally, and so does he. At first, the therapist was hoping that I wouldn’t contact him, but towards the end of the session, he thought I might need to talk to him one more time to finish what I didn’t get to tell him and let him and myself know that it is really over. This is the hardest thing to do-walking away from him again. So when I have that conversation, there won’t be any unfinished business, we’ll be all done, and then I have to go through the heartbreak again.

 

Bambina, Moonbeam, I really don’t want to go through the whole process again.

[bambina maxima]

Wow, eerie timing Dorsay.

 

It's okay that you answered -- it didn't sound like any big information was exchanged. As for him "pursuing"...that could be, but it isn't the kind of pursuing that you want. He's pursuing you so that he can get what he wants, i.e. your wonderful company, but I doubt he's any more willing to give up all the other women than he was before. It sounds like he wants to keep you in the background, but he isn't willing or doesn't know how to make you a part of the foreground. Take it for what it is. You are strong Dorsay...you have managed this long without a peep from him, and you have infinite amounts of strength to continue on without him. If he really wanted you in the way that you deserve, he would make it abundantly clear he loved you and would do anything to have you back. He hasn't done that by a long shot.

 

I bet in a day or two you will be glad you didn't let down the emotional doors for him. I don't know exactly what you said on the phone, but it sounds like you handled it perfectly -- too busy for his sorry butt! I bet he's very frustrated that you aren't begging for him back. Whether or not he understands other people's feelings, he is experiencing a reaction which is getting to him. I am sure he has never met a woman like you and eventually...months...years down the line...maybe when he's on his deathbed... he will wonder what his problem was.

 

Bottom line: I think you still should wait on that talk about telling him that you didn't know about the other women. Save that for when you are well and truly over him -- then you can relish it because it won't bring you any pain to say it. No doubt he'll have to wonder at how strong a woman you really are. I think the best thing you can do is ignore him for now...obviously he is thinking about you. Who knows, by that time you'll be so totally over him that you can't be bothered to waste your time on him.

 

I think you said it in a nutshell. You don't want to go through the whole process again. You won't have to go through it again if you keep him far, far away.

 

Keep running Dorsay. He knows he's losing you and that's why he's contacting you. But at this point he has to move earth and heaven before he is deserving of your love again...so don't settle for anything less! Hugs!

 

Oh, this is day 31 for me by the way. That boy is f'n crazy.

[bambina maxima]

btw moonbeam...thanks for the thought. I get sniffly sometimes too.