New and newly broken. Any advice?

[bambina maxima]

Hey enotaloners...oy, weh.

 

I found this site a few weeks ago when dealing with a new breakup. Now that I'm day 14 of no contact, I'm finding it very difficult to move on. I know I need to stay strong and things will probably get better, but since the break I've been through every emotion and I'm scared of what the final outcome is.

 

The story:

 

We met each other almost exactly a year ago and hit it off right away.

Not long after we started seeing each other, he left for his home country for a couple of months due to family issues. I didn't feel it was yet time to have "the talk," so while he was away we kept in sporadic touch, he called a few times, and I was kind of left hanging wondering what was going on.

 

When he came back, we picked up exactly where we left off. We spend maybe 2-4 nights a week together (sleepovers included), worked out together, amongst other many other activities. I developed strong feelings. He was very sweet on Valentines, and I was expecting nothing (I had made plans with my best bud to say fi on valentines, which I normally despise). He called me up late and asked if I could come over, so I did, and he had written a little poem and gave me a beautiful gift from his home country. Acted kindly, good stuff, best I've had yet in all areas.

 

At that point I was falling pretty hard and I thought he was too. But things from that point on never really went anywhere. We kept the status quo, but we never talked about anything serious...we still never had the "talk" as to where it was going, etc. Come summer, I sensed he was drifting. I was becoming frustrated with the fact that he couldn't tell his family about me (or he could, but I couldn't be a girlfriend...just a friend...we would have to be on the path to marriage in order for him to say "meet X, my girlfriend". )

 

In June I kept trying to work up the nerve for the talk, having an inkling that it wouldn't go my way. The conversation still never happened. We kept drifting along.

 

End of June I went on a family vacation. I didn't hear from him for five days, a little unusual. I got a call from my friend who informed me that in a freakish set of circumstances, she found out that he went on a date with her other friend. I was shocked.

 

I called him later that day, telling him what I had heard and that I was hurt and felt terrible and that when I came back from my vacation we needed to talk.

 

So we did. The whole 14 hour car drive home I was in such a state. I wrote and rewrote what I was going to say to him, and practiced my speech aloud in the car. I got in really late, but he called and asked me to come over so we could talk, so I did. I wasn't irrational. Pretty calm. But I said everything that was on my mind. How I was utterly baffled. How he should take his b@lls home from work and tell me if he was not interested in us anymore. That I was pretty sure even though we never talked about it, that we were exclusive. He took it, felt terrible, etc. We communicated about real things for the first time. But he really blew it. And I let him know.

 

Amongst other excuses, he has a "fear of committment." I know what you're thinking. His parents have been pressuring him to get married (arranged marriage) for more than a year now. He was supposed to marry the previous girl he dated for eight years, and it was a sore point that he didn't (she broke up with him because he couldn't bring himself to marry her.). Cultural thing I guess. The last quick trip he had made home, his parents had him meet a girl and he got really freaked out.

 

That night I told him I didn't know what to do with him, as he kept saying he didn't want to lose me. The next night we talked some more on im. I tried to initiate no contact, but he called over and over and over and sent desperate emails. So for about a month we had some serious conversations about what happened and where this could go, etc....and though we were "broken up", we didn't act as if we were. He said he had visions of marriage. The future. Brining me to his home, introducing me to his parents. Of course, I gobbled it up. (this is all AFTER the incident, mind you.)

 

Unfortunately, the fact is, he still isn't ready to commit. I told him we couldn't continue this and I couldn't act as his friend until (and if) I got over him. I needed to move on because it was becoming toxic. After many times trying to convince him this is what I needed, I thought I'd finally gotten through to him. Then on my birthday, he called and wanted me to come meet his family who were visiting from abroad. He put his niece on the phone to wish me happy b-day (she's four, he talks about her constantly, she's ADORABLE). I couldn't meet them, as I had other obligations. The next day I called him back and got extremely upset, saying how dare he keep dangling these things in front of me when he knows how I feel about him, but he can't return my feelings. (we've never said the magic words aloud. email exchanges it popped up once, he first. I don't know if he has ever actually been in love with me, but I of course love him). He talked about all this serious stuff only AFTER we broke up. After he lied and cheated. (he said it was only one date...but he had been actively looking to date other people). I think he cares for me deeply, but seems pretty meaningless right now.

 

So I told him I couldn't take this bs non-relationship relationship and not to call me unless he was on his deathbed, he'd found someone else, or he was really ready to do this. Not a peep since. I'm finding it difficult.

 

Help, help, help. Sorry so long.

[Aurian]

Breaking up is so hard. Especially when you feel like you've invested a lot into the relationship, and the other person just isn't there yet. I think you did the right thing - if he isn't able to commit and you do not want to be left hanging, then you did the right thing in saying that you don't want to continue unless he changes his mind. I guess his fear of commitment was stronger than his desire to be in a relationship. You weren't asking for marriage - not yet, just a declaration of it going somewhere.

 

Emotions are funny things. The mind knows that a relationship isn't working, but the heart gets all clingy and throws up all sorts of emotions. Hang in there. Its best to set aside some time each day and allow yourself to cry for a bit, or beat the hell out of a pillow or whatever emotion needs some release. Otherwise it kinda leaks out when its most inconvienent or worse, explodes!

 

We're here for you.

[bambina maxima]

Thanks, Aurian. It was a long post.

 

You're right. I wasn't asking for a ring and twelve babies, just wondered if it even COULD go anywhere. He said yes, he thought we got on brilliantly, we would make a great couple, he just needed to get this out of his system. I think his words word "check out all the stars and make sure my star is the brightest." #)*($ !!!

 

Letting go is so hard. By the way, I never got clingy. The minute I heard about this date he went on, I knew we couldn't continue as a couple. I knew that even if we had potential, we couldn't be together now because the trust was broken. I have too much self-respect to do that. But after we had that conversation, he worked extremely hard at contacting, talking, and so on, so I figured as long as we were talking about real things we were improving our odds of maybe understanding each other and making it someday. So I said "i don't like it, but you have to go get this serial dating thing out of your system. I'm not going to wait, but I'm not saying you won't have a chance if you ever do figure out what you gave up."

 

Ehhh. I am just finding it soooo difficult to move on when he's said everything short of "wait for me."

[Dorsay]

You could have written my story. My “friend” and I met about a year ago and broke up for over 2 weeks now. He could not commit to give our relationship a try, or at least approach it with an open mind. He told me he cared about me, but never discussed anything serious between us. I didn’t know that he was dating other women until right before we broke up. He asked me if I knew he was dating, now I regret that I lied—I said I did. I lied because I was too embarrassed to admit that I was naive. He asked me to stay, but I couldn’t see how I could stay in this non relationship relationship while he’s dating others. I have never been a clingy type and to have some self-respect back, I broke up with him. He acknowledged that I wanted no contacts with him, but he called me about 2 weeks to ask me to call him if I wanted to. I know that we are over but it’s very hard to move on especially because I truly thought that he only had me in mind and all we needed was time. If I am angry with him, probably it’ll be easier to let him go, but I am not. I am just feeling hurt and betrayed. I am sure he can easily move on, but am frustrated that I can't.

[bambina maxima]

Hang in there Dorsay. You will get angry and it will feel good. You deserve SO much better. Someone who claims to care about you very much shouldn't put you in that sort of position. You did the right thing...

 

Today I got really angry at the whole situation for the first time. I remembered some things.

 

I remember one time in the car, not too long before the "incident", that stupid Rihana song came on the radio. It's about this girl who's whining because she's cheating on her man with another man. I distinctly remember saying "I HATE this song! She needs to stop whining and either stop cheating or break up wiht the poor guy." I think his response was very noncommittal. How surprising.

 

You'll be amazed at the things you remember once you give yourself some space.

 

And then you'll also be amazed at how you'll be back to square one and totally in love, just depending on your mood. At least that's how it seems to be for me.

[Dorsay]

The pain is in the details. I do recall one day asking him where he got the flowers. He awkwardly told me that they're from his neighbor. I didn't press it further because I didn't want to nag. The night that we broke up, he told me that he didn't want to be with anyone but me when he's with me. I asked him if he felt the same way with other women. He gave me a noncommittal answer--"depending on the person." This hurt alot then, and it still hurts alot now. Why didn't I tell him how selfish he was? On one hand I still want him to know how much he hurts me, but on the other hand, I just want to exit with some class. It isn't going to change anything even if I tell him, unless it helps me heal. Well, I know myself better--it will just make me feel worse if I do so. He asked me if I regretted for getting involved with him. I didn't answer him because I didn't want to hurt him. Th truth is that I have nothing but regrets.

[bambina maxima]

Dorsay, in my mind, you have nothing to regret. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, and then when he obviously wasn't treating you the way you deserved, you gracefully bowed out. You didn't put up a fight, you didn't get crazy and yell at him (though it would have been fine if you did...would be even better if you calmly and confidently told him that his behavior was unbecoming for anyone who calls himself a man!). What you regret? Life is about risks... if you don't put your heart out there, you're never going to fall. That's not life...that's some lackluster version of life where nothing ever happens. Yes, it hurts, but you can do it...I'm sure you are a wonderful person and whether or not he says it he will realize what he lost.

 

Don't play second, third, fourth fiddle to anyone. Love yourself and you'll see that he's gonna be who he's gonna be, and you are happier without him than with all his drama.

 

Yep...I tend to think that people who need to sneakily date other people are cowards. I'm all about forgiveness, but only the brave will win my heart.

[Dorsay]

It's hard although I know I'm doing the right thing. It's really like I was in a dream and now I'm awake. It'd be great if he misses me or feels sorry for what he has done, but there's no way for me to know. Besides, I am not going to turn back anyway. I know I have to find a way to let myself heal. Now, it is all about me.

 

How are you doing? Are you in contact with your friend? Take care of yourself and let's hope that we'll be all well by x'mas.

[bambina maxima]

Zero contact. It's day 15. Some days are better than others. I made it abundantly clear that he was not to contact me unless he was ready to be in a real relationship with me, if he ever was. Or if he was dying. I told him if we continued the way we were going, I was only going to resent him and there would be no possible way for us to ever be even friends. I said I'd contact him when I was ready to be friends...in two months...six months...a year...I don't know.

 

I think he got it. I have to admit, part of me wishes he'll call...maybe in a week or two...but I'm scared of what I'll do if he does. I can't imagine that suddenly in two weeks all his fears will vanish and he'll be ready to hop back into things and give me the title "girlfriend". So ....ehhh...I'm with you...I hope by Christmas (or even thanksgiving) that I'll be so excited to be single and hot and happenin' that I'll forget all about him.

 

I have things I'm working towards (getting back into graduate programs) so at least I have other things to strive for in life...it helps to have direction. Last time I went through I break up I was utterly clueless as to what to do with myself, and I was completely lost. This time around it's better. I found me, and I never lost me the whole time we were seeing each other. That's important.

 

I still can't stop daydreaming about the "what ifs" though.

[Dorsay]

Yeah, it's day 18 for me. I also thought about what ifs--what if I just fell into his arms that night and stopped thinking about the whole thing. Well, that wouldn't be me then. I thought each day will get better, but so far it hasn't. My friend was very disturbed when he realized that we couldn't be friends anymore. I don't know, may be we will, may be we won't. I will only contact him if I am certain that he won't open up the wound.

 

I am glad that you're getting back to your graduate programs. It must be exciting to be back to school. I still have my running, drawing, family, but I need to do more. I am getting a bike and may be arranging a trip. I have to go now. Take care and talk to you another time.

[moonbeam111]

Dear Dorsay and Bambina,

I went through a month of NC with my boyfriend of three years who also did not want to commit to the future. He came back with the ring and we will be getting married next year.

 

You are healing and giving your exes the right time to miss you and realize what they've lost.

What helped me to survive 4 weeks of NC was planning new trips, holidays, getting back to my friends, and starting a new hobby. Also there is a very helpful website where women offer great advice for women dealing with commitment phobic men - link removed

 

Good luck! It will get better.

[bambina maxima]

Thanks for the encouragement, moonbeam.

 

I'm getting out there, I'm meeting new people, and that's good.

 

I'm also trying to squash any thoughts of possible reconciliation. I think this daydreaming is dangerous...it's tapering off a bit (Day 16 baby!). Last night I didn't dream about him for the first time in two weeks.

 

I did have an odd dream of accidently dropping a waterbed mattress off the empire state building though. (WHY did I have a waterbed mattress on the top of the empire state building and HOW did I accidently push it off? Who knows!) No one was killed...haha. Silly, silly dream. Any analysis is welcome.

[Dorsay]

Thank you for the kind words, Moonbeam. I am not turning back regardless what he may offer me if he comes back. If he truly respects me and cares about me, he wouldn't date other women. He told me there wasn't any person, but to me it's unacceptable that he sees it's okay for him to date. I went to see a therapist the first time in my life yesterday. I told the therapist what my friend expected from our relationship; I told him I felt like he's asking me to be his mistress. Sadly, the therapist agreed. My friend is such a good person, how could he treat me like this?

 

I like the dropping a waterbed mattress dream. What a relief of anxiety must be, accident or no accident! For me, I just keep running. It makes my mind a bit clearer when I run.

[moonbeam111]

When we are hurt, we tend to forget that people make mistakes and are not perfect. How many times we thought that something was not important until we realized the true meaning of things and our perception was instantly changed because of that! I call this growing and maturing. Happens to almost everybody (I hope).

 

It's very early into your breakup process to be able to forgive and let go. However, when it happens, you can see that you can listen to the other person and finally hear his point of view.

 

Right now your task is to get REALLY angry so you can re-evaluate yourself and change for the better. Regardless of them coming back to you. Use your anger constructively. It's a great source of energy that will help you to improve your life.

 

Dorsay, your therapist agreed with YOUR PERCEPTION of the other person.

 

Bambina -what a funny dream with an attempt to reclaim the power (empire state building) over your emotions (water) and destroy the basis of the relationship (waterbed).

 

Keep running gilrs, it will get better!

[Dorsay]

I am disappointed with my friend. I am angry at his actions, but not with him, unfortunately. He is a good person, may be his perspective of a relationship is very different from me, and may be I am the wrong person for him. Unfortunately, he didn’t know what he did would hurt me. I didn’t explain what made me decide to break up the relationship. He told me he would never love me as he has never loved anyone before, so I shouldn’t expect anything from him. However, he enjoyed our relationship so much that he would like to continue to see me, but he will continue to date others. He wanted me to be his “companion”. It doesn’t matter if he calls it “companion” or I call it “mistress”, it would be fine if I accepted it, but I did not. Something fundamental to me is missing here, not only the trust is broken. To let myself heal is my priority right now. I have to let go of any thoughts of reconciliation.

[moonbeam111]

He made a choice to have the type of relationship he wanted. You made a choice to be treated not as a mistress or a companion. You both made different choices. Bravo to you that you walked away from the relationship where you were not loved.

 

I think that when your core values are ignored, it's imperative to get out and take care of yourself. You may want to use therapy sessions to focus on you instead of his choices and behaviors. What kind of man would you want to be with? What kind of relationship you are looking for? What is your ultimate goal? What does being an couple mean for you?

[bambina maxima]

Moonbeam....It's funny...but for the past two days now I have been getting progressively angrier and angrier. If I had to see the guy right at the moment, I would probably scream at him till either he or I exploded, and I NEVER get that angry. When I'm driving in the car on my own, I fantasize aloud exactly what I would say to him and what I think of him. Sometimes I wish there would be some excuse to see him so that I could get everything off my chest. Would it make me feel better? I don't know. I told him not to take advantage of my fondness for him, and he did...over and over....Definitely switching from the sadness to the anger phase. I suppose it's better to be angry than to be sad.

 

In the end though... It's because I care that I want to bite his head off. How long till I just forget him completely?

 

Awesome dream analysis...do you study dreams?

 

Dorsay...I find it odd that your friend has never been in love before! I can't imagine never being in love or never wanting to be in love. I would say something fundamental is hugely missing...who doesn't want to be in love? Are you sure he didn't get burned badly somewhere in the past? It seems strange that he would say that to you...reminds me of an awful Meatloaf song..."I want you, I need you, but I ain't ever gonna love you...now don't be sad, cause two outta three ain't bad."

 

I agree with moonbeam....keep running.

[moonbeam111]

Bambina: I yelled in my car, cried and talked to him aloud when I was alone in my house. Finally I got angry, went out on three dates, planned awesome trips, and reconnected with friends I neglected before. I did a lot of soul searching and thinking about values and life.

 

Treasure your anger. Focus on YOU, not him. Discharging your anger at him would not change anything. Reversing your anger into contsructive changes for YOU will transform your emotions. And yes, it will get better! Start doing something you have never done before when you were with him. Instead of living in the past, experience new excitement and try new activities.

 

Keep dreaming. And keep posting. A lot of support will come your way.

[Dorsay]

Bambina, the song is perfect! According to my friend, he was trapped in a loveless marriage for many years. The reason for not breaking up sooner was because of the kids. I met his wife before, she’s a lovely lady. She told my friend that he liked her but never loved her. It was hard for my friend to accept what she said, but he couldn’t 100% denying it. I’ll say the priority for him is always his kids, his career and then his feelings. I think he probably carries more feelings towards me than most women he’s been with, and he did tell me I was very important to him and he’s crazy about me. Yet, it isn’t enough when he already declared that he wouldn’t be able to give me more. I could have given us more time to see if he would change, but how could I do it after I heard what his expectations were? As you said, I don’t want to play second fiddle to anyone. Besides, I don’t think we can change people.

 

My problem is that I don’t get angry enough. Just like you, I want to get everything off my chest. I want to tell him to stop telling me that he cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me…he hurts me so badly by not respecting me. You said your friend took advantage of your fondness for him. I told my friend that he was abusive. I couldn’t quite figure out how to explain this to him before. Now I know that what I meant was him taking advantage of my kindness and my fondness for him. However, there’s really no point to bring it up to him anymore. If the right opportunity comes, I may. Take care.

[bambina maxima]

You like that song? If I were the woman he sings about in that song I would be tempted to set his hair on fire.

 

I forget what I feisty woman I am when I'm in a stable relationship. It seems that when I'm in a relationship, I want it all to be good, so I too "don't get angry enough"....and then when it's too late, I feel all the rage I should have felt throughout. Dorsay, have you ever been told you are too nice? I get that a lot. But I don't want to sacrifice being a nice person just because someone lobs a rotten apple my way on occasion. If everyone decided to react by throwing more rotten apples, we'd have a smelly world of rancid applesauce.

 

Moonbeam...I've taken up piano lessons again (I know, seems silly, i took them halfway through high school then quit). I am getting a lot of satisfaction from pounding away at the keys. Turning emotion into music is good.

 

I wish he would call just so I could have the satisfaction of not answering.

[Dorsay]

I am actually known to be very feisty. My friend told me he liked me feisty, so no one could push me around. I don’t get angry easily because I always try to understand the other person’s point of view, although I may not agree. Usually I will be angry at the situation, not the person. I actually feel sad for my friend. He will never find love if he is unwilling to love. I also want him to call or email me, so that I can either ignore him or get things off my chest, besides, I also miss him. Am I pathetic?

[bambina maxima]

ha ha Dorsay...I am glad I am not the only one waiting to ignore a call. I feel like I should want him to call...but I just think I would feel a sense of satisfaction. Like at least he was thinking about me.

 

You aren't pathetic, that's for sure. Fiesty people are rarely pathetic. Passion/feistiness is the antithesis of pathetic in my mind.

 

What day is it again? Oh yes. Day 17. I think when I reach the one month mark I am going to celebrate somehow (without spending a lot of money). What should I do???

 

Yes... I like this idea. I think every week I make it with no contact I will give myself a little present of some sort. Like a hot bath with candles and music or something. Good plan.

[moonbeam111]

I think that you are doing great, both of you. I remember around the third week I was going crazy thinking that his sorry * * * * * should CALL ME BY NOW!!! So I could proudly tell him to get a life and leave me alone, thank you very much.

 

Bambina: Piano lessons are great. I signed up for Italian classes so I can interact with new people and booked a trip to Hawaii with my best friend. It was something to look forward to.

Have you thought about holidays girls? It's important not to be alone and be busy with PLANNED activities.

 

Dorsay: I respect you so much for being able to focus on his wellbeing. But this is the right time to try to get totally selfish and self-centered, even if this experience is new for you .

[Dorsay]

Bambina, I was thinking of you while driving home tonight. I was going to suggest that we should make a special when we hit the one month mark. Tomorrow will be week 3 for me.

 

My mom must have dropped me when I was a baby--all my mean bones are missing. I really wish him well. I know he didn't mean to hurt me.

 

Most likely I'm going to Europe next spring. Between my job, my running and drawing, I'm actually pretty busy. I may be getting a bike though. That's exciting.

 

Have a great evening and will talk soon.

[Dorsay]

It’s week 3 for me today. There’s an overwhelming sadness. I replayed our last meeting over and over again. 3 weeks ago about this time, I was so excited. I was getting ready to go over to his place. I spoke about breaking up a week earlier, but he seemed so sincere; he wanted to make it work. We spoke several times on the phone, and we had nothing but good conversations. He wanted to see me to try to work it out. Boy, I was so excited to see him. However, things didn’t go as well as I thought, and then the reality sank in—sometimes there were things that we just couldn’t fix.

 

I’m glad that it’s been 3 weeks since the break up and almost 2 weeks since I last heard from him, but I sometimes still find myself wandering to the past. I thought I have accepted that we’re over and I have let him go, but why am I still thinking of what happened 3 weeks ago?