These trust issues are driving me mad!

[mrrisotto]

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and her trust issues are starting to really affect me, to the point where I'm about to break up with her. She's been hurt in the past and is in therapy to help her work through it, but its a constant struggle for both of us.

 

Every time something comes up about trust, she immediately gets angry, accuses me of doing things I'm not, and generally disrespects me (i.e. she doesn't let me get my work done even though I've told her that I have to). Her fear overwhelms her emotions and her defense mechanisms kick in, but no matter what I do the problems are still there. I admit that when things like this surface, I get a little heated myself at times (mostly because it starts to interfere with what I need to get done), and I'm trying to work on that, but I have NEVER done anything serious to affect her trust.

 

I love her and want to help, but I'm at my wits end.

 

I know this is pretty general, but does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

[heloladies21]

Obviously you're not handling the arguments the right way, otherwise she'd stop bringing this up and get over it. It's not the job of her therapist to help her with this, it's all up to you. When you guys argue, how does it usually go? Tell me exactly what she says, what your response is, how things end up, and what happens after the fight ie. who goes back to whom and apologizes and stuff.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Mr Risotto -

 

I totally hear you. It IS really hard to always be understanding. It is. And there are countless stories of gf or bf who accuse their spouse of cheating soooo much, that the spouse ends up leaving or actually having an affair.

 

Its hard to have to deal with with some one who seems to constantly be having a hard time. I don't think you should feel bad for the thoughts you're having.

 

I think you sound like you've been patient and understanding but sometimes, you really do need to let off some steam too. It gets hard.

 

If you decide to stick it out with her, just remember to take some time away sometimes so you don't lose perspective. Post here to vent. Talk to friends and family. That way, you can save the patience and understanding for her.

[radiotone]

you're probably going through what my girlfriend is going through. i have trust issues and i do the same things your girlfriend does to you. its nuts. the defense mechanisms really kick in and sometimes we don't know what we're saying. i've said a lot of hurtful stuff to her and made her cry sometimes. it's not good. but you have know that whenever someone goes nuts because of some trust issues, they absolutely BELIEVE that everything they're saying makes sense. even though it doesn't at all.

 

what you're doing is fine. she's been hurt in the past - it's NOT your job to take care of her past issues. but it IS your job to be there and support her and understand. i don't know how my girlfriend does it, but she's completely understanding. and i completely appreciate and love her for that. but yes, there is a point where you should draw the line. don't make her feel like she can say things like that to you. otherwise she won't realize what she's doing is horribly wrong.

 

trust is everything. and she should continue getting help and realize it before she loses you. just hang in there and support her

[RandomAdvisor]

Obviously you're not handling the arguments the right way, otherwise she'd stop bringing this up and get over it. It's not the job of her therapist to help her with this, it's all up to you.

 

I respectfully and completely disagree.

 

 

mrrisotto says that she is accusing him of doing things he is not. The question shouldn't be so much how he handles the arguments, but whether or not his GF should be starting them in the first place. If the accusations she is making are based solely on her own fears and insecurities, and not any real world facts or evidence that would lead a rational person to have doubts in their partner then it IS her problem and mrisotto shouldn't be made to feel guilty about things he isn't even doing.

 

I believe it is the job of all three people in this situation to help her with this. The therapist, mrisotto, and most important of all the GF herself. All mrisotto can do is what any good partner can - be open and honest with his GF, and understanding of her difficulties (in this case being her trust issues). But if she can't get over her trust issues, mrisotto shouldn't have to pay for that by being her emotional punching bag.

 

Mr Risotto -

 

You may love her, but as I'm sure you are coming to realize you can't fix her. All you can do is meet her half way, and if she can't learn to trust you after a year with the help of a therapist, then it's time to stop blaming yourself, stop looking for a way to fix something that can't be fixed, and move on. It's really hard to have a relationship with someone who is still carrying wounds from previous partners, and in future whenever possible you should avoid it.

[krnswte143]

i, myself have issues with trust. i dont fully trust my boyfriend and i dont know why. i wish i did but part of me wont let me... yea i know it sounds werid.. i understand what your goin thru cus my bf is goin thru same thing... i never accuse of him cheating but idid imply in lots of different ways as he says.. our arguments never change or go away. it always come back to haunt us . he did break it up w/ me jus not so long ago... but we got back toghther to give another shot.. anyhoos,

 

did u give her any reason to her not trust u? or maybe shes havin her own issues. what are the arguments/fight u guys always talk about?

[Juliana]

Your gf needs to develop an "internal locus of control." That is, she has to learn to handle her own emotions. Tell her to tell her therapist what is happening in her relationship with you. She needs short-term self-comforting measures to distract her from the fear; warm bath, reading, watching a movie, anything that isn't self-destructive. Eventually if she can't get a grip on her own sh*t, you'll have to leave her -- the self-fulfilling prophecy of all trust issues. We create our own disasters, I think.

 

Set up some place away from her where you can work, if possible. Try not to blame her too much for the mental illness; she's working on it. Don't talk to the disease. Don't argue with the fear. Talk to the person.