Do We Love Our Ex's More When They're Gone?

[LostInTranslation]

Today is my ex's birthday so rather than acknowledging her, I thought I'd post here. I haven't spoken about her in quite some time with the exception of this week. I knew this day was coming and I've felt a little anxious about it.

 

We've had NC since early January of this year, initiated by me. She gave me the classic story of not feeling the same anymore and had lost respect for me. Hearing those words hurt so much that I disappeared since I didn't have much left in me to continue. Our relationship was very dysfunctional. When times were good, they were awesome but when times went sour, they were awful. She was passive-aggressive from all the abuse she endured her whole life by her family and ex-husband. For the year of our relationship, I tried to show her that she was deserving of being loved but she could never return it since she had been so damaged.

 

Since then, I have accepted our demise and have moved on even though I still think of her often. One thought that has overwhelmed me throughout the year is my undying love for her. It seems in my heart that I love her more now than ever ... even though I haven't seen or talked to her in over nine months. It isn't a love that I want her back or that I'm putting her on a pedestal. It's more of a love for showing me what true love is since she was the only woman I ever loved. She was nothing I looked for, but everything I wanted. I don't understand how I fell so hard for someone who didn't feel the same for me but I gave so much of my heart because she was the greatest woman I ever knew. I just feel like I will never be with anyone who doesn't make me feel the love I did with her.

 

I think part of me would love her back but it would all have to be different and I know that's not possible. So why I think of her often still confuses me. Does anyone else feel they love their ex more now that they're gone? Perhaps I'm not over her as much as I think I am. I have shown a lot of strength that I couldn't in our relationship but it doesn't erase my feelings for her. I just hope I make it through this day. I hope she's happy wherever she is.

[BillyJean714]

For the year of our relationship, I tried to show her that she was deserving of being loved but she could never return it since she had been so damaged.

Sorry to say this, but that's such crap. If she felt that way, why would she even be with you? I don't know, but it just seems like the relationship you were in was extremely one-sided.

 

I know she may have baggage. People do. But, it's never an excuse to treat people less than what they deserve to be treated. Just seems like she was selfish with her love towards you. Anytime someone gives love out of selfishness and gives you excuses, they really don't care. That's my honest opinion. It's just sad to see how people can string others along like that.

 

About loving our ex's when they're not in our lives anymore? Not for me. I actually don't love them more, because I feel cheated. If I feel that way, there is no way that I can love a person if they hurt me that bad. I may care, but I wouldn't long for them in that way.

 

Hope you're okay. She's not worth the thought. You're better than that.

[Vynde]

Billyjean,

 

Is it normal for LostinTrans to still feel likek that after almost one year, It almost been 20 days of NC for me, and each day is SO HARD to get through.

 

Ill be honest, reading that he still thinks about her and loves her so much after one year is scaring me to death!

 

I Hope that it doesnt take me that long, just the thought of it taking that long is killing me..

 

saterday is her birthday for me.. Im having a hard time with that, I decided to go to Florida to visit my brother, so Im not in New york ( home ) for that day.

 

Such pain.. /ugh

 

John

[Choose2bHappy]

Personally,

LOVE = yes

IN LOVE = no

[LostInTranslation]

BillyJean,

You are right ... no one should use their past as an excuse for not loving and treating someone right. However, she never did make excuses. During our relationship, I learned so much about her to where I was able to figure her out and that has been my assumption. She did fall for me but she couldn't commit completely because of her own issues that she just could not let go. I do deserve better and that is why I walked away. However, walking away unfortunately hasn't taken my feelings away.

 

Vynde,

I don't want you to feel scared about your loss because everyone is different. My relationship with her meant more to me than I could ever explain. thereforeeee, my love for her has continued to grow even without being with her. I've had problems before letting go of people I love ... it's like once I love them, I love them forever. Since this was my first real romantic love, that idea in my head has escalated beyond comprehension. I have met other girls and dated around but it made me feel more for my ex since they didn't compare. I have healed more than I thought I would ... I just wish I could escape these memories and feelings for her.

 

The day hasn't been too bad. I'm thinking of her but I don't feel compelled to wish her a Happy Birthday.

[JoeWho]

I agree with choose2bhappy.I think I will always love my ex. But I have definatly lost that in love feeling already after two months of NC. It does get better and two months ago I would not believe I could ever say that.

[Deserted1]

Lost, I'm in your same boat. Today is my ex's B-day, but she will get no recognition from me! I have 2 months NC going and by reading other ENA members advice, I'm not gonna mess myself up to give attention to someone who doesn't seem to want me anyway. I also know what you mean about loving them more when they're gone. I think part of that feeling is longing for something out of our grasp. It's that very idea "the longing" that drives us to this feeling. I believe this is part of the "letting go" process, and until we can fully let go, we will continue this pattern. My NC is guiding my way to letting go, I can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there! You will continue to heal.

[Dako]

I got dumped a year ago, and I don't love her more.

She's a good friend, but I could never want her after going through this particular hell.

I have my heart focused elswhere.

[DreamLilies]

Today is also my ex's birthday! I sent an e-card, and got a nice reply.

There's been about 5 months of NC. I do miss him, but I no longer feel that intense longing that I felt for several months.

[LostInTranslation]

Thanks for all the responses. I am feeling better from reading all your posts. I think JoeWho's words hit home with me ... I think I will always love my ex as well but all the pain I've been through has taken that in-love feeling away. I don't have that longing feeling for her after all this time, but I know I will always love her and think of her for the rest of my life as my first true love.

 

I think I will stick with my plan and not contact her to wish her a happy birthday. I'm sure she's happy enough.

 

Strangely enough, my cell phone has rang three times with a PRIVATE number. That never happens. I answered twice and the last call, no voicemail. All I heard was silence both times. There was no static, just silence like someone was listening to me saying "hello" over and over. I think it's kind of random on her birthday to receive a private call. I feel she probably expected me to call so I'm wondering if it's her. I'm sure it's all in my head.

[LilPixie]

It's been almost 5 months since my ex and I broke up.

NC for over 4 months.

I still love him even though he cheated. I took myself away from the situation and respected my self enough to not contact him.

 

However - I can't change my feeling towards him yet. I try and I try.

No matter what he did to me, no matter how bad he hurt me - my feelings

are real and they cannot be changed by his actions.

 

I went to visit some friends in a different city this week. I am so depressed I don't even want to go out with them. When does that hell end?

Why is this love still real for me? Thank God for this forum is all I have to say.

[Derailed]

I still love my ex, then again, its only been 1 month since break-up.

 

But somehow, I don't see this love fading anytime soon. I may love him forever, and that's what I'm worried about.

 

You definitely love the person more now that they are gone. Sadly this is only the case for the dumpees.