I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

[RobustMouse]

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I've gotten myself am to something. I don't know why I'm doing this, I suspect, which I will bring up later. But it is causing me a lot of stress; wether it really needs to or not

 

Some time ago, I posted about a situation I was in with a professional and myself. In a short synapsis, a professional I was going to (for what and when is not important) for a series of appointments, admitted that he had a 'thing for me'. I was, and am fairly creeped out by this, and went through a week long period being "Oh god I'm scared" becuase of it. As I am 18 and he is 20+ years older. But whatever, thats not the most important fact.

 

THe fact is, I was scared. And on the last appointment i had with him, I did not tell him 'Im not interested' I told him I liked someone else. (For one thing by my misconceptions he thought I already did like him!) And thats how it ended. We said good bye, he never knew of the torment I went through behind the curtain. I was just thankful it was over, until I went back...

 

Yes; I went back. Why? I felt like there was unfinished business. Of what sort? I DON'T know. I just felt this need to go back; and I did. I felt so bad; because I knew how much I ment to him; and I felt guility for 'just leaving him'. When I went back, he told me this, and I have to admit I was touched.

 

I have never had anyone have any kind of interest in me before. Never, this was the first time, even if it had been by someone who clearly should not be interested in me, did. And I have to admit, the attention made me feel good. I am ashamed to admit that, and everything else I am saying right now. But I'm so confused I'm not holding anything back. So for someone to grant me that....I just couldn't help but be flattered.

 

But anyway...I gave him my e-mail address. And we have been e-mailing. At first, I didn't respond. Because I felt like I made a mistake, but when I began to think about the situation one day; I felt a pang of guilt; and responded, and since then it's been e-mails.

 

But it got further, and now with an unscheduled day we have plans to 'meet up' and talk. Although it feels more like a date, because he offered to pay for lunch and all...I told him no, I'll pay for my deal.

 

I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I think it's attention; I think it's the craving to be desired, as again I must admit, being 18 and never having a boy liking you can feel just a tab bit sad inside. I have absolutly NO interest, and never will. I am a loved person. My mother loves me, my friends loved me, I'm not the most popular person in the world but I do know that I'm loved. But kill me now because my mom has no idea what the hell is going on. She found out someone had an interest in me; but I told her it was someone else with appointments.

 

Whenever I drive by the street I know he lives on I think of what would happen if I visted him. Because I know I would never in my life do anything with him.

 

I don't know why I have this continuous 'desire' (bad word for it) to continue this 'relationship' I've created. Sometimes it excites, and most of the time scares me. I'm afraid to call it off; partially because I know it would hurt him, and because of reasons my intentions can't be figured out; and I so badly want to know. I was a flirt during the appointments; experimenting, thinking 'wow, someone likes me, let me see what happens when I do this!' (just trying to be funny here)

 

I'm worried about how far it would go. Not to a sexual point. But to a 'friendship' point. We are going to visit then what? It can't go far. I'm still in High school. There never will be a romance; I'll make sure of that. But as to the 'relationship' I don't know; and I'm worried about what might happen.

 

I don't want to rid myself of him; yet I want to. I'm past the point of no return it feels like. If I get rid of him now, I know he'll forever wonder, 'Why did she do this to me?', and then I'll feel even worse.

 

It took me a lot to say this, it took a lot. Thank you so much.

[Survictor]

it seems to me that perhaps you have a very stable life and a playing with fire a bit and testing the ground around you so to speak. This guy is going to be flattered that his advances are being received, even a little, by an 18 year old. Both of you I think are playing a game. He however, has far more experience than you I suspect and you probably very little.

 

Ask yourself do you find this man attractive? Do you want to meet him for lunch? If he were to cross the boundaries of friendship, how would you feel. If he kissed you, would you be grossed out?

[Alabama]

Be honest with him. I know you won't, but don't "play" with his emotions. If this man likes you that much, that could be the worse thing to do. If you have no interest in him at all, then tell him this NOW. Before you regret it any later. He might be crushed by this, but he will recover. Telling him when you two have met up, is the best time. remember that.

[need2bme]

Clarity has a valid point, even though I think that a much older man (if he is), should not mess around at all with an 18 y/o (yes I know that she is old enough); I agree that:

 

but don't continue to flirt (or contact)with this man unless you mean to follow things through

 

Even if this guy is the nicest guy on the planet and turned out that he could have a good time with you, it still isn't fair to either of you, if it is NOT going to go anywhere.

[RobustMouse]

Yes, I am aware I am playing with fire. As for the questions. NO I do not! And YES I would probably slap him!

 

He knows I don't like him. Believe me, I already crushed it on my last 'appointment'! He told me he considered me a 'good friend' on an e-mail.

 

When you say 'playing' the game, you are exactly right. This little 'get-together' I *suspect* is the next best thing to a date for him. For me, I feel nothing but anxiousness.

[orangecounty]

Hun, I know you're flattered. This man knows that you're young and impressionable. And asking you to lunch, he most likely wants more than a friendship. You've clearly stated that you don't like this man and are not interested in him. I would not go out with him. It is playing with fire and you will be burnt. I've been in those situations. Sometimes you have to stop, and despite that feeling of excitement or need or whatever, let your HEAD guide you on this one. I think you're a smart girl and would be wise to end this right away.

[CaptainPlanet]

You should date him for a bit. Use it as experience and see waht happens.

[RobustMouse]

The scary thing is that I trust him. I know he would never try to do anything he could get in trouble over. I have a feeling it's, 'if you can't be mine, then lets at least do this.'