Ex and Other Women

[bella321]

I moved out of the apt I shared with my boyfriend almost 4 weeks ago but we had decided to split up at the end of July. I've been practicing almost pure no contact with the exception of when I pass him at work and am civil. Things ended on good terms (we split b/c I ultimately want marriage and family and he never wants kids) I've been ok since the physical break... seeing friends, engaging in new activities, and keeping busy. Lately though, I can't shake the idea in my mind that he is sleeping with one of the bartenders at our formerly local bars and it is making me sick to think about him with other women. We haven't even attempted friendship yet, I want to wait another month before even thinking about it, but I'm afraid that I will NEVER be OK with him being with someone else. Does it ever feel any less painful and disgusting to think of your ex with other people?

[ebsmith1]

My ex started seeing someone within days (or possibly before) he broke our engagement. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about him with someone else. He sees her every weekend and it kills me.

[violingirl]

My ex left me for another woman, an ex-girlfriend of his who he encouraged me to be friends with during our relationship, so I actually got to know her - they were just "friends" - hah. They are still together and, yes, it still bothers me. I try not to think of them together as a couple, although I did have some dreams about them being together, which was bad enough. I think that it will always be painful, but, over time, the pain has become more muted and numb. I know that they are incompatible and hope that one day the whole thing will blow up in his face.

[Survictor]

It does hurt, but you will get over it. Eventually, you will reconcile yourself to the fact his life will go on... as will yours. Remember all the reasons you broke up. Even if you got back together again, those reasons would still be there. You will be ok. Keep doing what you're doing.

[this2willpa55]

my ex left me for another and lied about it. it's been one month, and i am still very hurt about it. i have good days and bad days. i try to keep my mind busy by watching movies and talking to friends. this forum has also helped me tremendously.

 

are you sure he is sleeping with this woman? i would hate for you to make yourself sick if it's not true. sometimes we create senarios in our mind. i don't know why we do it but we do.

[bella321]

I'm not sure he is. He could be going home every night after work and moping around because he lost me. He's not the kind of guy who hits on women or tries to sleep with them, but the bartender is very flirtatious and I think has always had a thing for him. I can see him being drunk enough to go for it. I just wish my imagination wouldn't go there.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i divorced because my husband and i were really incompatible in our goals too, he was a sports junkie who spend all his free time watching sports, and he didn't want to have children which he saw as too much trouble (and taking away from game time).

 

and though he was the one who wanted to stay with the marriage and i wanted out, i found out not to long after we broke up and he moved out that he had a woman, and he was even taking this woman to visit his family 8 hours away, while still not telling me about her and hoping he and i might get back together! so she was his 'backup wife contingency' i guess...

 

i had had a few hints during the last few months of the marriage that he was up to something secretive and might have been unfaithful on business trips, but i really never followed up on that since i wanted to be divorced from him for other deeper incompatibility. but i was still stunned and jealous when i found out it thru other people that it was true he really had had someone waiting in the wings!

 

even though i was the one who wanted the divorce, and knew it was the right thing to do, i still had those twinges of jealousy when i thought about it, along with the normal female insecurity type issues (where you start to try to compare yourself to the other woman in your head, is she prettier or younger, thinner than me, a blonde, etc.).

 

but then i would stop myself and laugh because it was such a silly thing to do considering we were so incompatiable and not enjoying each and broke up because of it, so why should i even care anything about this woman at all? but jealousy is not a rational emotion, very primitive one that sneaks up on you.

 

so i first went from jealousy, to self questioning, to curiosity about her, to feeling sorry her because she was stuck with a selfish guy (my ex-), to finally not caring or thinking about it one way or another, just developed a good luck, see ya type attitude where there was no pain involved at all... but going thru those stages takes a while, so don't be too hard on yourself, or read too much into it in terms of thinking jealousy means you 'love' him... it just a residual hangover from the relationship, one tie that still needs time to cut.

 

so that kind of residual jealousy does hang around for a while after a breakup... it just means you still haven't completed the breakup wind down process, and are feeling a few ties to him. jealousy is frequently one of the last connections you feel before really moving on mentally and being free of those ties you had as a couple.

 

whether or not he is with a particular woman, the bartender, the real point is it is always possible he could be with any (or multiple) women, including the bartender, but focusing on that thought with her as a 'rival' in your head is not going to help you get over this, just stir things up...

 

the hard part is to remind yourself (constantly if necessary) that who he sleeps with now is really not your business or a concern, and you don't want residual jealousy to derail your own recovery from the breakup... maybe you should be looking at the cute *male* bartenders for yourself instead of thinking about whom he may be looking at!