husband cheating?

[Shadows Light]

Worried.... I've been following your story. I have to commend you on keeping your "cool" you are truly a lady who is in control of herself. He's definitely going through a mid-life crisis of some sort and she's looking to fill a "DADDY" void. I'm so sorry. This has "NOTHING" to do with you, its all him. Stay strong and be true to yourself.

[birdgirl]

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. You're acting very admirably in all of this.

[moonbeam111]

There is a great website where you can find support and advice on divorce - link removed

Good luck and take good care of yourself. Your husband's choice was not the result of any of your actions, thoughts, or feelings. You have nothing to do with his decision to have an emotional affair.

[antibarbie]

I'm not very good with words when it comes to comforting people sometimes. So, *HUG* There really isn't anything more that can be said that will make anything any better. But you can know that there are people who sympathize. My story has some similar themes and it saddens me that another person would have to feel like I have.

 

One of the biggest differences in our stories is the ending. I know you don't want to lose your husband, but alternately if he did chose to stay with you after all this had happened that would be awfully hard too. Best case scenario, none of this would have ever happened in the first place, but if we are looking at the hypothetical possibilities from this point, would any of your other options really make you happy? Right now I am trying to deal with repairing a relationship and it's scary. There's so much doubt and insecurity lingering, I wonder if it can ever be back to the way things were. If your husband did want to work it out, do you really think you could? I'm on these forums right now because I am trying to figure out how I can or if I should get over the betrayal of trust. Many days I think it would be easier to just scrap it.

 

You sound like a wise, level-headed lady and you deserve someone who will appreciate your intelligence and your beauty. You deserve someone who wants to be with you more than anyone else on earth. You deserve to love with confidence. I hope one day that I can handle such emotionally catastrophic situations with the grace that you have shown on this forum.

[worried614]

well just an update for everyone. My husband did move out and we are in the process of getting a divorce. He spoke to me before he left apologizing for everything and telling me he never wanted to hurt me. Then why did he? The girl called me one afternoon and pretty much told me the same things my husband told me. I couldn't really be nice to her...she took my husband. I am trying to be happy and go out with my friends and such but the last two attempts have been useless because I have seen them both out together. My friends and I went to a restaurant last night and they were both there being all cuddly and romantic. We ended up leaving, but it was not a site I needed to see. I think we both tried going to out of the way places, places that he and i never went to just so we wouldn't bump into eachother but we ended up going to the same place anyway. I wonder how long this relationship will last...not that I'll ever take him back though.

[Cadence308]

This is so sad and awful. He probably never meant to hurt you, but still...he was married and chased another woman. I am so sorry that you ran into the both of them out together. I'm sure it just crushed your heart all over again. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by trying to do things to take your mind off of the pain and it sounds like you have friends that support you.

 

hugs, Ballys

[lolz]

This is really sad. I don't even know this girl but I already dislike her so much that I truly wish their relationship will not end up working out and both of them will get hurt for doing this to you. She clearly stole your husband right in front of your nose and even dared to call and apologize...ahh

[worried614]

ok so i am completely shocked. I found out from a mutual friend that my ex husband has asked this girl to marry him. SO SOON! I dont even know how to feel about this. They are apparently waiting until the summer for the wedding. To make it worse I am pretty sure they are purchasing the gigantic extravagent house on the same block as mine. My ex always wanted that house. I cant believe they are engaged already!

[Cadence308]

SO SOON??? He just moved out of your house last week! And he's still married to you! Are you sure that you knew him as well as you thought or is he going through a mid-life crisis?

 

I wish that there was something that I could say or do to make you feel better. Are you sure that you want to hear about everything that your husband is doing with his new girlfriend from mutual friends? It will probably drive you nuts either way.

 

I hope that you are taking care of yourself. You sound like a very strong woman and you've been holding yourself together beautifully from the sounds of it.

 

hugs...and remember we are here for you to vent your frustrations or whatever you want to say about him.

[dawn515]

Worried,

 

I've been following your story too, and I really feel for you. It must be quite the shocker to learn they've already made plans to marry.

 

I'm so sorry! This must have all been so hard for you, but you're such a strong person, so I know you'll make it.

 

Take care and hugs...

[lolz]

This sounds kinda strange to me. Are you sure it's true and they are actually getting married and your ex-husband is not spreading those news on purpose to make you regret that you were the one who offered divorce when he only wanted a separation?

 

I'm really sorry to hear all this, seems like situation becomes more and more insane. Take care of yourself!

[finewhine]

Why would a hot, well-educated nineteen year-old girl marry a guy in his forties?

 

Sounds fishy.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I could cry, reading your posts. I could cry. I can envision my own future playing out like that, and it makes me sad. It makes me sad for anyone. I feel so bad for you I don't even know what to say. You didn't deserve that! You didn't deserve that at all! It also makes me so furious; I'd love nothing more than to beat the crap out of that girl and your husband.

[Survictor]

Woah! Personally, I would be refusing to go and digging in my heels. Going is not an option worried614!

 

Stop being so nice this minute! I would tell him to leave immediately.

 

Chances are that once he persues her as a free man, she will feel quite pressured into a relationsip and your husband could feel a little silly about it all.

 

Please have respect for yourself.

 

You should be angry!!!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Such wise words from one so young.

 

I most definitely agree on that point.

 

Why thank you.

 

I do not agree however, with spying. To my mind, it is wrong. For example, I am writing here about a really sensitive subject (another thread). It is possible I wouldn't want my husband to see it because I didn't want to hurt him. It may be about his sexual performance etc. Do you see what I mean? Stalking and that is what it is, is wrong and it won't serve any good purpose. Nothing good will come of it.

.

 

You're right, of course. And I do know what it's like to be on the recieving end of being spyed on! My fiance spies on me all the time. He's quite paranoid, I've done nothing wrong. I am normally against spying and getting into someone's personal space and privacy when seemingly nothing is going on (such as the case with me and my fiance.) He has read all of my enotalone posts despite my efforts to hide them, and it's really annoying (also, as you mentioned, some posts contained sensitive subjects that I did not want him to see because he'd only become more paranoid and also perhaps his feelings would be hurt.) I only suggested for her to spy because it seemed the situation warranted it; as it just seemed very clear to me that her husband and this girl were having some sort of affair. Sadly the conviction I had (and I was about 99% certain) turned out to be right. Spying on her husband gave her the information she needed to confront him with the truth, and find out the truth that she needed to know.

 

I feel so bad for the original poster, if I was her I'd take him to the cleaners like Rabican said.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Yes, yes! You should be angry! And you are being very nice about this. They don't deserve nice; they've done something horribly wrong, and they deserve whatever they get. You deserve the best Worried, and that's not it.

[worried614]

thank you everyone for the support, it has helped me greatly. Unfortunately, my exhusband is definitely getting remarried, he sent me an email telling me the news because he felt he should tell me before I heard it from someone else....apparently he is unaware of how fast news travels. I since changed my email address, I do not want any contact with him. As for the girl, I have seen her many times, after all we do not live too far away from eachother. She now drives my husbands car, how quaint. Today I sat at a diner with my best friends and lo and behold who sat behind us...the girl's mother. We had met once before but I do not believe she noticed me, she really did not look my way. I caught pieces of the conversation she was having with her friends. It seems she is delighted about her daughters engagement and even called my ex husband "a charming man." I then decided to stop listening in, but as we left I couldn't help but hear her say "I feel terrible for the ex wife though." How could this woman be ok with the situation? Her daughter marrying a man old enough to be her father who cheated on his wife to be with her. I would certainly not be ok with all this if i were her. To each his own I guess. I am deeply hurt and everyday is hard to get by. I never envisioned my marriage to end up this way, I thought for sure this was meant to be. I never thought I'd be left for "the younger woman." Waking up in the morning is a difficult task for me, the only thing that keeps me going are these forums and my family and friends.

[caro33]

I'm so sorry, this sounds absolutely awful. It sounds like such an obvious mid-life crisis he is having, it sounds like he has been seduced by some vision of the younger, more attractive him that perhaps he thought he had lost, or maybe never was. What a disappointment this must be for you.

 

Are you able to take yourself away for a while? Anywhere, to get some space to process what's been happening without always being given 'new material'? It sounds like you are just not copping a break here to get some head space.

 

My thoughts are with you. It's awful right now, but you will get through this.

[sonjam]

Dear Worried,

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. It's hard. But I believe in Karma, and he will never ever find happiness with her, and she will not be happy with him for long. NOBODY knows what they really want out of life when they are 19 years old, and you'd think at 47? he would know, but is obviously blindside by infatuation (this is not love).

 

You should be glad to be rid of this whole situation, however much it hurts, it could have happened later, when you are older, or even in secret, without you knowing, and then it would have been worse. Nobody wants a cheating, lying spouse, I know, I had one too.

 

In the end your heart will heal, and you will find happiness again, I'm sure of it. Stay strong, we are all thinking about you and carrying you in our prayers.

[worried614]

once again thank you for your responses.

caro- yes i do need to get away for awhile without hearing anything new about my ex and his fiance (ugh what a horrible phrase "my ex and his fiance"). Some of my single girl friends pitched in and got me a fully paid trip to Hawaii with them for the holidays. We leave on the 19th of December, hopefully that time will help.

 

sonjam- I do hope that my heart heals because right now it seems like it never will. I just don't see myself ever trusting another man again.

Would all men (regardless of how old they are) be likely to be attracted to a girl such as the one my husband left me for? I personally did not think it was possible, whenever I see a young man who is 19-20's I think of him more as a son type of figure, never someone I'd be romantically involved with.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I think men are different from women in some ways, sadly. Men on this site are going to shoot me for this, but.. that's what I think.

 

Hmm, just picturing the "flaming" or whatever they call it, so I'll amend it somewhat; I'll try not to generalize. Okay, so perhaps not EVERY man is like that, but I'll say that every man in MY lifetime that I've ever come into contact with would DEFINITELY be attracted to a girl so young; how do I know? Because I've been that young, and I'm still young (21), and have been hit on married men old enough to be my dads or grandfathers! And I was young but not stupid, they were dead serious! There was this one handsome, charming older gentleman in his 40's, perhaps 50's but not sure, I'm thinking mid 40's though. I admit I had a slight crush on him but I would have been creeped out to actually DATE him. Anyhow he also had a crush on me, and would flirt with me at the grocery store I worked at and also the deli. He first discovered me at the deli and when he found out I worked at the grocery store he started frequenting there as well. I'm normally not into men that old but I really liked him; he was obviously intelligent, very handsome, respectful, and charming and we had many conversations. He asked me out on a date one day, and I was a bit creeped out in a way. I told him I'd have to think about it.

 

Well, guess what happened? Fate stepped in. I was at Walmart one day (I had the afternoon off) and saw him....

 

...and his lovely, also-in-her-40's wife. I was disgusted, not because he led me on but because he dared to do that to his wife! What a jerk. He had a perfectly lovely and nice wife and he was going around trying to hook up with an 18 year old girl! Girl, I say, not woman. I was a teenaged girl, I was not the woman with life experience and intelligence and character and mental maturity that I'm sure his wife was.

 

So maybe some men are not like that, but I've come into contact with enough to realize that when I'm in my 40's, I better resign myself to the fact that any man I'm with will definitely check out girls that young and probably fantasize about being younger and being with younger women. I don't understand why this is but it's depressing! Even my own 50 year old father was trying to date an 18 year old girl when I was 15. Sickening. He was in his 40's at the time! Not to mention, I've seen him checking out and commenting on teen girls as young as 13/14 before. I'm not sure if he'd leave his girlfriend (she is in her 50's) for one though, but only because society would look down on him. Otherwise... hmm....

 

 

,. I agree with you about looking at younger men differently than men look at younger women. I'm 21 so I can't say I look at guys 19 and think of them as son types, but I find them to be too young for my tastes. Boys 16 and 17 and such are like little brothers to me, I'd never look at anyone younger in such a way, and when I get even older, I wouldn't even look at guys the age I am now and be attracted, they'd be little more than kids! I don't know why so many men think differently. (And I'm so tired of hearing that biological excuse some people on this website try to use, because we've evolved past being mere simple animals! We have the intelligence and means of choice to know better.)

 

But I must say, there's many a beautiful woman in their 40's and why a man would leave their wife for a teenager is beyond me. Maybe the men can explain it?

 

Have a good time on your trip, sounds like just what you need. You deserve it. It's just shocking to me how suddenly your ex has a 'fiancee', how quickly those two became an official 'couple'. It wasn't that long ago that you posted your original thread! Really makes me think there was more than just "feelings" being had for eachother. Urrrrrgh, they're despicable.

[caro33]

Kitty, as usual, well said, and I agree with a large amount of your post.

 

However, I need to try and be more optimistic though re the older guys ALWAYS wanting younger women. This is particularly as I am getting older and find this concept a bit hard to take.

 

Yes the eye is always drawn to beauty, but I suspect those who are genuinely susceptible to beauty will see it in a range of 'types', not only the young ones. I look at my partner and see a man who doesn't ever check out young women specifically except when we both laugh and roll our eyes at some of the shreds of Solid Gold dancer fairy costume that passes for fashion. When he sees a person he looks at their exterior, as do we all, but forms his view about what's genuinely attractive to him by looking at the whole package. He does not find young girls particularly interesting, and most share no life experience with him, so he's not into them.

 

Perhaps your dodgy deli guy liked you not only because you were young but also because you were smart - you have already set yourself apart from many other 18 year olds I suspect. Not that him cheating etc is okay, but I think this whole situation is more complex perhaps.

 

Also, we don't notice the men who don't check women out, do we? The ones who let teenagers be, and don't sleaze onto the 18 year olds? I hope we are not tarring all men with the same brush here.

 

And let's be honest, women do this too, what about those oddly socially sanctioned 'but we're in love' tourneau type teacher-student cases that don't really concern people if it's a woman? In a similar situation, a man would be demonised as an abuser. Perhaps it's because women aren't already viewed as a threat to youngsters, and men, as a default, are? It's a bit sad when we look suspiciously at a man alone with a female child/teenager, and there is some evidence to suggest that we, as a society, are starting to do that.

 

In my view, this stuff comes down to ego and selfishness more than it relates necessarily to gender. If someone is susceptible to flattery, if they are worried about getting older and the flatterer is an attractive younger person, they're fair game. All the more so if perhaps they don't have the coping skills to withstand temptation. None of this makes it any easier for people such as the OP, or those of us who are in these types of relationships. But once you have picked yourself up off the ground and regained balance, it IS possible to find someone who is not so easily led, and happily grow old together.

[caro33]

once again thank you for your responses.

caro- yes i do need to get away for awhile without hearing anything new about my ex and his fiance (ugh what a horrible phrase "my ex and his fiance"). Some of my single girl friends pitched in and got me a fully paid trip to Hawaii with them for the holidays. We leave on the 19th of December, hopefully that time will help.

 

 

That is good news. Not long to go now, at least there is a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Each day that passes will make this easier to bear, and Hawaii sounds like a wonderful place to get some space and perspective.

 

There are no easy words here, I'm sure the speed of this whole ridiculous situation must be really surreal, and the constant updates on his silly deluded plans for the future would be heartbreaking.

 

I believe, truly, that not long from now you will find the situation completely changed. I think that in a few months or so, you will find that you have cried a lot, but much of the grief has passed, and you will see him in a more benign light. I think that reality will come crashing down around his ears, and that he will start to find that perhaps he does not have all that much in common with her after all, and that her life goals and his aren't so compatible. I think he will get sick of her desire to be a 19 year old girl with her friends and social life, and he'll be hankering for what he knew with you. I think he will come back with his tail between his legs, but maybe try a little back and forth with her. You will feel sorry for him, and most probably will not want him back. There will be a rebalancing of the power here, and the stories you hear from others will be more along the lines of how dumb the whole thing with them was to begin with.

 

That doesn't make anything easier, I know, and the grieving for what was lost must still be done, but if you are feeling alone, and ripped off, try and take heart that the universe will right itself for you soon enough.

[Cadence308]

worried, I hope that you have fun on your trip to Hawaii. I have to admit that I am apalled by this girl's mother that she knows the situation and seems okay with it. I know if it were me in this girl's situation that my mom would be calling me a homewrecker, tramp, etc. Reading this made me wonder about this girl's family and values. I'm sure you are feeling so much pain and discomfort when you see the two of them out and about and her driving your ex's car.

 

It is just going to take time...we are here for support.

[finewhine]

Not that this makes it any better, Worried, but she's more of a lunatic than your husband. Let me get this straight - her MOTHER sanctioned the marriage? That's patently absurd. I was a cute, intelligent nineteen-year old once, and my mother would have had my head if I dated a forty-seven year-old, let alone one who was MARRIED.

 

You're dealing with pod people here. Seriously. None of them seem to be adhering to any of the behavioral patterns normal humans follow. They're soap-opera characters - narcissistic, delusive.

 

I know none of what I'm saying is all that helpful, but please recognize that this isn't how normal, ethical people act.