My teenager daughter

[4thelast1]

I'm at my wits end with my daughter. She is 14yrs old. She just started high school. Befor she was such a good girl. I never had any problems out of her. Now she doesnt listen to me or her dad. Her dad and I are separated. We both parent as a team. This has been good for her and our 8 yr old son. She has always gotten A's& B's. Now we are lucky if she gets a C in her classes. I know that its not drugs. Her uncle has a herioen problem and she has seen the devistating results. We have even talked to her about it. We took away the computer and cell phone to give her incentives to bring her grades up. She is always yelling at me,her dad and especially her little brother. She makes up excuses why she does what she does. When I try to explain to her that her actions cause a reaction and sometimes not good ones, she get blames us. I know its the age, I just dont know how to respond to it. She is in a constant state of "B**ch" .We are miserable to be around her. I took her to my parents house this week. I think that "we" need a break from each other. If thier is anyone out there with good advice please help me find a way to reach her. I love my daughter so much!! I just want us to communicate better and I want her to understand her behavior is having a negative effect on her life and our family.](*,)

[melrich]

It's a pretty volatile age entering the teenage years, puberty and rampant hormones all crossing paths. It is probably just a normal growth spurt but maybe you may want to think about backing off her a bit, give her some leeway on the grades and try and support what she is interested in at the moment.

 

It's pretty hard to know what to tell you as we can't see the behaviour ourselves.

[helpme2]

did something recently happen at school, is she having trouble with her friends? do you think she might be depressed?

 

I went through a stage in highschool where I didn't want to do any of my work, and was just mad at the world and it was because I felt bad about myself, I didn't have any friends, people were making fun of me, and I just wanted to give up at life.

 

I don't know how helpful any of that info is, but you might want to talk to her about her friends and school in general.

[PittItaliano]

I know you say "you know it's not drugs" and "it's just the age"... but none of my friends acted that way towards their parents in high school except for one. Let's call her Jan. Jan started drug and alcohol problem in high school and her parents thought "well our daughter couldn't be into things like that". Just because you think she isn't, and you've talked to your daughter doesn't mean it isn't a possiblity.

 

Take it from someone who is closer to her age, it's always the people you would never think about. In my high school most of the upper class kids who were popular were actually the ones using.

 

I would just get her drug tested to be sure. You could also try counciling. Have you talked to the school at all to see if she is having a problem with anyone in particular, that could also be contributing.

 

I don't know what else to tell you, but good luck.

[DN]

Beware just using punishment as an incentive as that has the opposite effect that you want. She then feels victimised and retreats even further from you.

 

Try a carrot and stick approach. Say to her that she can have her computer for, say, one hour a day after her homework is done. If she improves her grades it will increased accordingly. Same with the cell-phone.

 

Reinforce the positive - every time she does well at anything, no matter how slight there should be a reward even if it is just praise.

 

Never say - 'we want to be proud of you' because then it looks as if you want her to succeed to make you look good.

 

Treat her politely and don't yell and put her down. Don't praise her if she has not done well -(don't reinforce negative behaviour) but show disappointment.

 

Above all - do not treat her a a little kid but as a young adult. As she responds give her more freedom and responsibility over her own actions.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Please don't write it off as "just a phase" or "being a teen", this time in her life can have serious repercussions later. This time is really hard on kids because of all the emotional and physical changes, everything that was once familiar has turned upside down. As a parent it has to be hard seeing her struggle and her push you away even more. You might consider counseling, someone who she doesn't see as an authority figure to rebel against. She will be distrustful and hate it, but take her to a specialist that deals exclusively with teenage girls and don't give up, keep taking her until the counselor thinks she worked through her problems. She may be having trouble with people at school, boys, cliques, being pressured to have sex, do drugs, be popular, all those things seem so much more intense because of the changes she's going through internally. Teens have it hard because of all the social pressure they are under to conform, excel, and grow up. Stick with her.

[vermilion]

Keep in mind, she could just be looking for a reaction from you. Don't give her one. If she's going to throw a temper tantrum, ignore her, it's not worth your time.

 

She could be feeling really insecure and unsure about who she is- which is why she's taking it out on you. Possibly, she doesn't fit in or is feeling upset over some friend who hurt her or crushing on some guy and feels frustrated. Who knows? You could possibly suggest to her if there's anything upsetting her that she'd like to talk to you about but I have a feeling you'd be met with an evil glare so maybe it's best to just give her space.

 

I know I was miserable for about the entire first semester of my freshman year- it's so different from middle school! I still feel uncomfortable in my skin as a sophomore. But it's a lot easier because I have friends now and can handle high school coursework.

 

It's really not fair of you to expect your daughter to make A's and B's just because she made them in middle school. In middle school, your teacher's help you out a lot- always giving help andmaking sure you complete everything, making sure you pay attention in class. In high school, you need to ask for help if you need it, get your own work done, and can fall asleep every class for all the teachers care. Some students are stupid and just waste away their time in school- skipping and sleeping. That's their choice and their fault- they will deal with the consequences. The same goes for your daughter.

 

I know my first quarter grades weren't so great- B's, C's, and a D (gasp!) when I've always been an A student. But I pulled them up and finished with a 4.0 GPA freshman year and am now adjusting to AP classes. Your daughter's grades will probably go up later this year.

 

Basically, if you coddle and nag your daughter now, what's going to happen when she's in college? You won't be there to make sure she reads her text and studies.

 

I know you say "you know it's not drugs" and "it's just the age"... but none of my friends acted that way towards their parents in high school except for one. Let's call her Jan. Jan started drug and alcohol problem in high school and her parents thought "well our daughter couldn't be into things like that". Just because you think she isn't, and you've talked to your daughter doesn't mean it isn't a possiblity.

 

I agree that parents think they know their kids but don't- a lot are into drugs/alcohol/smoking/sex/etc.

 

But your daughter would probably be more laid back and not even talk to you if this were the case. She'd be at a "friends house" all the time and when she is home she'd lock herself in her room- not scream at the family.

 

You should just encourage and be there if she needs help- give her space.

 

Ohyeah, and if she ever shouts,"I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THIS STUPID HOUSE!"

 

Remind her she needs to get off her lazy ***, study, and get a job- that's enough motivation for me.

 

Best of luck!

 

-Vermilion

[PittItaliano]

vermillion, I agree with you that it is not in all cases. I was just comparing her daughter to one of my best friends. My best friend was constantly yelling at her parents. She said things to her mother that I would have gotten killed for saying. So, it is a possiblity, not every teen on drugs is withdrawn and constantly at a "friends house".

 

I do agree that you shouldn't take the TV, Computer, or phone totally away. When my parents did that it always had an opposite effect on me. Instead of feeling like I deserved my punishment, most of the time I just got angry with my parents.

[Momene]

I don't want to sound big headed but we've always had a great relationship with our daughter but she had a bad spell, also at 14. Let her know you're there for her and remind her that you were 14, once too.

 

Mine is 16 in a week and we are great friends as well as dad/daughter.

 

Good luck.

[4thelast1]

Thank you for all the input. I took her to my parents last night. There is no school this week and I feel that if we took a break from each other it might help. My daughter does talk to me about boys/drugs/friends. Its just recentely she got angry. I try to give her space, but the more I give the more she wants. She doesnt realize how much I love her. I was 18 when I had her. I made a decision to keep her when everyone around me was telling me to terminate the pregnancy. I went through hell to raise her as a single unmarried mom. The father and I were young, he stayed in the picture but didnt want to settle down until 4 yrs after she was born. To this day I look at her and I want to melt becuase I love her soooo much. She is my baby. I wish she could see how much I do love her, right now she hates me. Well thank you agian for the advice, I will try anything at this point.